DH favours 1 child over other

(65 Posts)
GreenArrow Thu 24-Jun-21 22:22:03

Name change for this as it feels too personal. We have a DD7 and DS5. DH has always tended to favour DS subtly, eg. not telling him off for things that he would tell DD off for. About a month ago DH was getting picked up by a friend and last minute asked DS to go with him. They went out the door and DD was left in tears that she didn't get to go. I quickly took her mind off it and cheered her up by doing our nails together and trying to make her feel special. Later I told DH what happened after he left and he agreed that he'd take her next time he went somewhere. Now tonight, DD fell asleep before DS. Then DH tells DS he will take him out at the weekend, no mention of DD. I've got upset, reminded him of last time but it's basically just turned into an argument and now I don't feel like I can even look at him. How can he not recognise what he's doing to DD by leaving her out like this? What do I do?

OP’s posts: |
Stompythedinosaur Thu 24-Jun-21 22:24:15

That's really awful. It sounds damaging for both dc. He clearly needs to spend more time with your dd to build up their bond.

Ladylokidoki Thu 24-Jun-21 22:26:26

Is it favouritism based on the kids personality or straight up sexism?

Both are shitty, but depending on what you think it is would change the advice.

Penistoe Thu 24-Jun-21 22:29:00

Poor DD. I would be furious. Have you specifically asked him why he favours one child over another?

Taliskerskye Thu 24-Jun-21 22:29:44

Well that’s going to fuck them both up. Not sure what you do about it.
A specialist counsellor?

GreenArrow Thu 24-Jun-21 22:30:39

I honestly don't know the reason for it. I've tried asking him but he says he loves them both the same and agrees he needs to spend more time with her but then he just does it again.

OP’s posts: |
Bagelsandbrie Thu 24-Jun-21 22:32:51

Well I think either he takes both kids or you take them both out yourself. He can’t pick and choose. How awful.

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SleepingStandingUp Thu 24-Jun-21 22:33:32

Can you set it up so you take DS out for some 121 time and he's then got to hang with poor DD?

ineedaholidaynow Thu 24-Jun-21 22:33:44

Can you take DS out so he has to spend time with DD?

Ladylokidoki Thu 24-Jun-21 22:36:01

He is agreeing to end the converstation. Not because he actually intends to do anything about it.

He needs to understand he is creating the 'black sheep/golden child' situation which fucks up both kids and the whole family dynamic. Especially when those kids are adults. And if he really doesn't listen, this could be the sort of thing that splits you up.

The fact that he agrees with you, then just carries on the same way, suggests to me, that it's sexism.

How females feel come secondary, in his mind. He isn't really that fussed about the upset he is causing your dd. Just like he isn't really listening to you. How dd would feel doesn't enter his head, he is focus on making giving ds the best of him. Simply based on sex.

Ds will always be a priority and that's your dhs nature.

I bet when you think about it, there subtle ways he is sexist all the time.

GreenArrow Thu 24-Jun-21 22:36:19

I thought about doing that but I worry that she'll then think we're both favouring DS if I take him out too especially if DH then doesn't go anywhere with her.

OP’s posts: |
Ladylokidoki Thu 24-Jun-21 22:36:44

I would tell him he is taking both or non. End of.

cupsofcoffee Thu 24-Jun-21 22:40:25

I would book a weekly activity or something for DD and make him take her.

ineedaholidaynow Thu 24-Jun-21 22:41:05

Or maybe you just go out, then he has to look after both of them

parietal Thu 24-Jun-21 22:44:58

you shouldn't have to do this, but can you think of an activity that DH and DD will both enjoy? If she is 'girly' (awful term, but your comment on doing nails made me think of it), he may feel he doesn't know what to do with her. Or because he is sexist, he thinks there is nothing he can do with her?

is there a sport they both like? Or can she teach him to do nail polish?

Stichintime Thu 24-Jun-21 22:45:57

Is there any reason why he can't take both children? Ask him. Take both out yourself if he won't.

GreyEyedWitch Thu 24-Jun-21 22:50:49

Your poor DD. I would be insisting that both go/are invited or else it's not happening.

Drivingmeupthewall Thu 24-Jun-21 22:51:15

Oh OP, this would make me so very sad. I don’t have anything useful to add but I’m glad your daughter has you fighting her corner. sad

Taliskerskye Thu 24-Jun-21 22:52:10

Why did you marry a sexist.
I mean was he a sexist pig before ?
Or was he just a “lad” loves the foot ball

GreenArrow Thu 24-Jun-21 22:52:44

I take them both out a lot. They have a class on Saturday mornings that I take them both to. It wouldn't be practical for him to do these regular things as I'm the only driver and public transport round here is a bit rubbish so I really don't mind on that front. But these occasional trips out he does, I think he could at least take it in turns if he doesn't want to take them both. DD is a girly girl but he's not doing anything particularly boisterous, mostly goes out for food or to see a friend, which she could easily tag along. She would even enjoy going to play football in the park, etc. She gives anything a go and is a joy to be with but I don't think he sees that as he's never really tried. No point me going out and leaving him with them both as he has no problem doing that but it's not quality time and not what she needs from him.

OP’s posts: |
Wearywithteens Thu 24-Jun-21 22:53:22

Your poor dd, if she notices the favouritism it could affect her self esteem and her future relationships with men. Never feeling ‘good enough’. He may feel he has more in common with a son but that is sexist bollocks. He needs to make time to spend with her 1 on 1 (like his son) and talk, laugh and build a relationship with her. He needs to do this now or in a short few years, when she can leave home, she’ll vote with her feet and there will be no time left to repair that - the damage will be done.

StMarysKettle Thu 24-Jun-21 22:53:27

Take your ds out to the shop to get some milk or something while he does something with your DD - then it's not like DS has got a treat if your DH can't be arsed to do something with DD, he's just running errands with you

StMarysKettle Thu 24-Jun-21 22:54:44

Or could you do an activity as a family like laser quest or something that needs teams, and insist that DH and DD are on the same team

riotlady Thu 24-Jun-21 23:01:01

What a shame for your DD. I would be furious if my DH treated our child that way.

I would sit with your DH and make him come up with a concrete plan for something he’s going to do for quality time with DD. No vague promises, no “I’ll take her next time”, get him to plan something and put it in the calendar.

Graphista Thu 24-Jun-21 23:09:24

How was he raised? Was/is there favouritism in his family?

Time for a serious talk, this cannot continue at all.

as I'm the only driver

Is there a valid reason why he doesn't drive?

It's not an excuse btw I had several years as a single parent I couldn't drive due to meds I was on at that time and dd and I managed in a rural area with public transport and lots of walking!

I'd be telling him straight to stop being a disinterested and sexist twat! And yes - vague abstract promises to "do better" won't suffice - HOW and WHEN will he do better? Because it needs to start now and it needs to be treating her as well as he does your son

I've had similar - but worse - with dd, her dad didn't see her for nearly 8 years for basically same reason and is now bitching he's not close to her! Well quelle surprise!

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