Been told I'm a horrible person

(118 Posts)
Givingup87 Thu 24-Jun-21 12:16:23

Should start by saying I am currently 3 weeks post-partum so potentially still hormonal! Will try and keep it short.

Dc, 3 weeks old was born by planned section. We knew the date from about 28 weeks when I saw the consultant, told close family and a select few friends but for everyone else we kept it vague by saying early June as I didn't want to be inundated with messages on the day. Plus I was worried in case anything went wrong etc and wanted some time just me, Dh and dc.

On the day it turns out more people knew the exact date than what I thought, as always things slip out etc. I told dh that I didn't want them knowing too much until we were ready but was happy for them to be told me and dc were fine, but no details on name, weight etc as we wanted to tell immediate family that first.

Somehow that message didn't come across and I apparently said don't tell anyone anything leaving everyone worried if I and baby were OK etc. I don't remember saying this but was also full of drugs from the C section etc. It's now come to light when one friend popped round this morning and mentioned that they were worried but weren't allowed to know anything. This has now caused a blazing row between me and DH with him branding me a selfish, horrible person who doesn't care about anyone else apart from myself.

We did tell immediate family and a few close friends etc and then most other people the next day.

For reference dc was born by planned section due to a traumatic delivery of dc1 which resulted in an emergency c section, and I then struggled with PTSD and post natal anxiety following it which I have been working really hard to over come and now this makes me feel like I have done everything wrong again.

OP’s posts: |
RedHelenB Thu 24-Jun-21 12:18:57

Surely everyone gets to know at the same time?

LordEmsworth Thu 24-Jun-21 12:19:12

You are not the selfish horrible person in this relationship.

FuckyouCovid21 Thu 24-Jun-21 12:19:53

So close family and immediate friends knew straightaway and the rest within a day? Doesn't sound horrible to me, your DH on the other hand.....

VettiyaIruken Thu 24-Jun-21 12:21:10

If I'm reading correctly your husband told people that you'd said they weren't to know anything?

Bootskates Thu 24-Jun-21 12:21:19

I mean, if people knew it was happening that day and asked DH if everything went ok then surely he could have said "yes everybody is ok, be in touch with details soon" - he could have used his initiative to not deliberately worry anyone, why was he waiting for permission just to confirm you and baby were alive and well?

lilyofthewasteland Thu 24-Jun-21 12:21:59

LordEmsworth

You are not the selfish horrible person in this relationship.

Also how it comes across to me.

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Letsallscreamatthesistene Thu 24-Jun-21 12:22:10

I get keeping the exact date of the section vague, but surely once you know everythings ok people can know details? I think perhaps you've been a bit precious, but I dont think you're horrible and selfish

HollyGarland Thu 24-Jun-21 12:22:22

You don’t sound remotely selfish. Your husband is being a pig and needs to stop piling horrible accusations and pressure on a woman who is 3 weeks post partum.

Sensateria Thu 24-Jun-21 12:22:52

It's now come to light when one friend popped round this morning and mentioned that they were worried but weren't allowed to know anything.

I don’t understand, can you clarify this bit please. Who told the friend they weren’t allowed to know anything and how/when?

Ozanj Thu 24-Jun-21 12:24:54

Why are you rowing with your DH about him respecting your wishes? If anything I’d be a bit upset by the friend stirring here. A real friend would just ask how you are, not tell on your DH or question what they presumably thought were your wishes at the time.

Hankunamatata Thu 24-Jun-21 12:25:20

I appreciate didn't want people to know section date but everything else is a bit cloak and dagger. My dh just sent a text out to everyone in his phone saying I was well, sex of baby and weight.

Givingup87 Thu 24-Jun-21 12:28:37

Sorry for the confusion, I'll try and clarify!

My recollection is that I said I was happy for anyone to know that dc and I were OK, but no details on names etc

Dh says that I said that no one could know anything so to ignore all messages and not let anyone know anything

I was probably being a bit precious about not knowing details on name etc but we wanted to tell immediate family in person when we saw them (which was the day after when I was allowed home, due to Covid there was no visiting in hospital naturally) but I really don't remember saying don't tell anyone anything.

OP’s posts: |
Letsallscreamatthesistene Thu 24-Jun-21 12:31:01

A case of crossed wires then? And an arguement bourne out of tiredness/stress maybe?

Bingbongbooo Thu 24-Jun-21 12:32:12

I don't think you're horrible op. It sounds like you just wanted to be in that little private bubble to enjoy your baby. I think if your dh isn't normally such a knob then maybe he was overwhelmed on the day and things were miscommunicated. Definitely doesn't warrant what he said to you though, so it sounds like the knob behaviour isn't a one off.

tallduckandhandsome Thu 24-Jun-21 12:33:47

Your H sounds like an arsehole.

Is he always this nasty?

Elisandra Thu 24-Jun-21 12:34:47

‘D’H should not be speaking to you like this, especially when you have just given birth and have a traumatic history.

Loudestcat14 Thu 24-Jun-21 12:36:47

I think your friend is the awful one for stirring. Your DH was following your wishes to hold details back and while he did take it to the extreme, I imagine he was in his own post-partum bubble having just witnessed his wife give birth by CS and become a dad again. I bet neither of you can remember accurately what was said, but does it really matter? Your friend is making it a thing and they should do one.

financialhelpneeded Thu 24-Jun-21 12:38:16

This sounds like a straightforward misunderstanding, and a fairly trivial one at that. I don't really understand why it's turned into a huge drama, and I think the real issue lies in that question.

Surely you can just tell people you got your wires crossed, that there was never any intention to withhold information, and that all is mercifully fine.

TulipsTwoLips Thu 24-Jun-21 12:38:16

Sounds like crossed wires to me too.

You can't be that awful or you wouldn't have a friend who wanted to pop round!

TooScaredToPostOnMN Thu 24-Jun-21 12:39:59

Letsallscreamatthesistene

A case of crossed wires then? And an arguement bourne out of tiredness/stress maybe?

This ^^ I think that it was a miscommunication and probably hormones, exhaustion and irritation all just got a bit much and resulted in an extra large row. I would hope your hubby will apologise for the things he said once things cool down a bit.

Cocomarine Thu 24-Jun-21 12:42:04

My absolute nicest (to your husband) thinking is that given how awful the first delivery, PTSD and PND were, he could have been genuinely terrified to do the wrong thing in case he triggered something - and in the moment, genuinely believed he should ignore messages (if that’s really what you said).

But mostly - how hard is it to reply, “mother and baby doing fine, thanks for asking! We’re not sharing any details until we’ve seen immediate family, but will be sending photos out soon 🙂”

Your “friend” isn’t behaving well here either. No need for the sarcastic quips about not being able to know things.

idontlikealdi Thu 24-Jun-21 12:45:24

What drama over nothing. You and baby are well, that's the main thing. our DH sounds like an idiot though.

Cam2020 Thu 24-Jun-21 12:48:39

Was your husband on board with this, approach of not telling people? Is it genuinely crissed wires ir was he pissed off to begin with and decided to interpret your wishes in that way?

ilovemydogandmrobama2 Thu 24-Jun-21 12:49:00

Sounds as if your friend genuinely was concerned, but it came across as anger putting your DH in a tricky situation as he wanted to respect your privacy/wishes.

But lashing at you, post partum or not, is really unacceptable.

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