To be really devastated about this

(196 Posts)
Pink98 Tue 22-Jun-21 19:08:17

So I left a job under terrible circumstances a few years ago when I was 18. I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since. I quit the next day and thought that was the end of it.

I’ve always kept this from my family obviously there’s no need for them to know but my teenage brother has just got a job at this place and I just know that first thing that will happen is everyone at the job will tell him about this incident. It’s an immature and gossipy culture and there’s no way they won’t tell him.

And I feel devastated. Completely horrified that this dirty secret is about to be revealed to my teenage brother. My family want to know why I’m so desperate for him not to take the job and I can’t tell them. I really feel so cut up about this.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset my secret is about to be found out ? It was a really life defining moment for me and it prompted me to make such a huge changes in my lifestyle.

Please can someone offer a comforting word

OP’s posts: |
bonfireheart Tue 22-Jun-21 19:10:07

Tell your brother, but also don't expect him to give up the job.

Grapewrath Tue 22-Jun-21 19:10:13

I mean if they’re still gossiping about it years later that’s far more embarrassing than what you did.
I’m sure your brother is mature enough to ignore them to be honest and you have nothing to justify to anyone.

30degreesandmeltinghere Tue 22-Jun-21 19:10:54

Deny all the way.

ApplesandBananas21 Tue 22-Jun-21 19:11:18

Ah this is a hard one!
I would feel exactly the same tbh!
I would maybe tell your brother so if anything does come out he's prepared.
But tbh if their still talking about it now more fool them.
We've had a couple of things happen at work between people as it's been gossip for a week and that's it.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Tue 22-Jun-21 19:13:51

I would pre-warn/speak to brother so he can brush it off in a "meh, and?" way and ask him to not say anything to anyone.

It will be old news within a week when they see no reaction from him.

Job done.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou Tue 22-Jun-21 19:14:06

Also, it sounds like rape to me.

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Flyonthewall01 Tue 22-Jun-21 19:14:06

How many years ago was this? Are the same staff likely to still be there? Also how did the incident get out for the gossipers to know?
Could well be just a bigger incident to you than others.

Chikapu Tue 22-Jun-21 19:14:44

How long ago did this happen? It's entirely possible that no one will even remember it and you're building it up in your mind to be way more than it actually is.

minipie Tue 22-Jun-21 19:15:08

I would say it’s the 40+ year old boss who ought to be embarrassed. Sleeping with a horrendously drunk 18 year old employee? What a sleaze. Bluntly you were taken advantage of.

Pink98 Tue 22-Jun-21 19:15:33

Flyonthewall01

How many years ago was this? Are the same staff likely to still be there? Also how did the incident get out for the gossipers to know?
Could well be just a bigger incident to you than others.

A young staff that all went to the same high school so easily big news as it happened at the staff party. Probably about 70% still there and at the time lots of people were messaging me about it the next day

OP’s posts: |
DelphiniumBlue Tue 22-Jun-21 19:16:33

Presumably only you and the ex boss actually know what happened unless you actually did it in public.
From what you say it sounds as if older, much more experienced man took advantage of a vulnerable teenager .
In your shoes, I'd deny it, or call him out as a predator and a sad perv. If you were that drunk, did you even consent?

Donotgogentle Tue 22-Jun-21 19:16:35

The only person who should be embarrassed here is your old boss. Older, position of authority, drunk much younger employee, yuk.

Theunamedcat Tue 22-Jun-21 19:16:55

Plausible deniability?

it cant possibly be you because you left ages ago

YUK a FORTY YEAR OLD MAN claims to have slept with someone young enough to be his daughter

Tell them he made a pass at you and it made you feel disgusting so you left clearly his ego took a battering so he has made up a story to save face

On a more personal note he took advantage of his position and the fact that you were drunk and incapable of making a rational choice he might have kept it a secret too because he should be fucking ashamed of himself

WorraLiberty Tue 22-Jun-21 19:17:25

Just deny it and style it out.

Gossip happens and it's not always true or correct.

Besides, the staff there didn't witness you actually having sex so even they don't know it actually happened.

Ladylokidoki Tue 22-Jun-21 19:17:26

How long ago was it?

To be fair, not sure you should be embarrassed because your much older boss, had sex with one of his employees while she was hammered. This only reflects poorly on him.

Sunbeam18 Tue 22-Jun-21 19:17:38

I think you should think again about how you are framing this - you were a vulnerable young person taken advantage of by someone older and in a position of power. He should have resigned, not you.

Rubyrecka Tue 22-Jun-21 19:19:16

I don't think you come off as the one to be embarrassed of here. I mean he took advantage of a drunk teenager - creepy and disgusting.

I would own it (as in it's happened) but also don't be ashamed about it. It's the 40+ creep who's clearly predatory should be the one worried.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Tue 22-Jun-21 19:19:53

I agree , the 40+ manager is the one who should be ashamed. It does sound like it would be considered rape today.

You did nothing wrong.

Your choices are either to 1. Prewarn brother so he knows in advance and can shrug it off or 2. Deny all the way.

Borisjohnsonshairbrush Tue 22-Jun-21 19:19:53

you were just over the age of 18 and completely out of it?

a boss over 40 should know better! any bloke should! this sounds like a case of rape as pp has said.

its not you who should be ashamed its your fucking ex-boss.

FriendlyBiscuit Tue 22-Jun-21 19:19:53

I got horrendously drunk at a staff party and slept with my much older boss in his 40s.

It was a stupid teenage mistake where I was completely out of it and didn’t know what was going on nor do I remember it happening and it has haunted me ever since.

You know this wasn’t your fault, don’t you?

Pink98 Tue 22-Jun-21 19:21:57

WorraLiberty

Just deny it and style it out.

Gossip happens and it's not always true or correct.

Besides, the staff there didn't witness you actually having sex so even they don't know it actually happened.

I know people saw us kiss so definitely witnesses that something happened

OP’s posts: |
PurpleRainDancer Tue 22-Jun-21 19:22:10

minipie

I would say it’s the 40+ year old boss who ought to be embarrassed. Sleeping with a horrendously drunk 18 year old employee? What a sleaze. Bluntly you were taken advantage of.

This
The shame is his not yours OP flowers

Iggi999 Tue 22-Jun-21 19:22:12

What did you tell your family when you quit the job? I'd be inclined to double down on that. Or say the boss was creepy (which he obviously was) and you thought he was telling stories about you.
Depends on how close to your brother you are. You don't have anything to be ashamed of OP.

WorraLiberty Tue 22-Jun-21 19:23:39

I know people saw us kiss so definitely witnesses that something happened

So you snogged your boss at a drunken works do

You won't be the first or the last

Your family don't need to know you had sex.

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