DH injured but DH stays silent

(259 Posts)
jenbendy Sun 20-Jun-21 17:11:04

My DH is quiet and passive. It's his way. Would do anything to avoid confrontation.

We went out for a meal for Father's Day. Two adults and three teenagers. One of my meal sides comes in a pan. It was placed in front of me, handle facing me, no warning. I went to turn it around and the handle was red hot and badly burnt my hand. I rushed to the toilet to run it under cold water then told staff, who brought me ice. My DH sat silent throughout with his head down. We half heartedly finished the meal, me with a throbbing hand.

DH waited for me to get the bill and pay. I said to the staff more firmly that I'm not happy about the service or my hand. They said sorry. I paid and we left.

Now home and DH acts like nothing has happened. I wish I'd been more assertive at the restaurant and asked for a refund but my hand was hurting. I also didn't feel backed up.

Why didn't he take charge? Or is that asking too much?

Feeling like a fool. If it was the other way round I would've taken care of it.

OP’s posts: |
jenbendy Sun 20-Jun-21 17:11:53

Sorry, meant in the title DH saw I was injured but kept quiet.

OP’s posts: |
TinaYouFatLard Sun 20-Jun-21 17:13:18

You are an adult and clearly capable of dealing with this yourself.

BirthdayCakeBelly Sun 20-Jun-21 17:14:23

Did he even ask how your hand was?
I wouldn’t have expected him to “take charge” but I would hope he would care about the injury, see if you needed medical attention etc.

You can complain to the restaurant after the event and in writing if you are not satisfied with the way they dealt with it.

HavelockVetinari Sun 20-Jun-21 17:14:31

TinaYouFatLard

You are an adult and clearly capable of dealing with this yourself.

Well yes, she is, but he could've asked if she was OK, got her the ice without her having to ask staff. Not just completely ignored it all, that's just weird!

Evenstar Sun 20-Jun-21 17:15:16

They should have warned you it was hot, but I have had dishes like that in the past and they have always been heated under the grill or in a very hot oven and I wouldn’t have touched the handle.

Sorry you were hurt, but your DH probably felt they had done all they could and was embarrassed.

invisiblegirllj Sun 20-Jun-21 17:15:21

Can't bear passivity most of the time so I wouldn't have been happy for my husband to basically ignore what happened

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JackieTheFart Sun 20-Jun-21 17:15:25

Before anyone else jumps in with ‘why do you need your husband to fight your battles’ - can I just say that I totally get you?

I can 100% guarantee I would have come back from the toilet to find staff at the table in the middle of an apologetic conversation with my husband who would have immediately called someone over. We might have differing opinions on what we wanted from the restaurant (apology, free meal or whatever) but we have each other’s backs.

Is he quiet like this when it concerns him directly? Or just when it doesn’t? I can imagine how hurtful it must feel if he’s only arsed when it’s him flowers

DrSbaitso Sun 20-Jun-21 17:15:30

He didn't react to you burning yourself?

Macncheeseballs Sun 20-Jun-21 17:15:53

He dies sound like a bit of a wet blanket though, sitting there with his head down saying nothing

SmidgenofaPigeon Sun 20-Jun-21 17:15:57

If it was a bad burn you really shouldn’t be putting ice on it.

I wouldn’t expect DH to be able to do anything I couldn’t do myself but I’d be really pissed off if he showed a lack of concern.

SorrySoldOut Sun 20-Jun-21 17:16:03

sounds like he was embarrassed,maybe

jenbendy Sun 20-Jun-21 17:16:17

TinaYouFatLard

You are an adult and clearly capable of dealing with this yourself.



Yes. I mostly/always do. But just for once would've been nice for him to step in a bit.

OP’s posts: |
musicalfrog Sun 20-Jun-21 17:16:30

TinaYouFatLard

You are an adult and clearly capable of dealing with this yourself.

Erm, she was in a vulnerable situation though so some backup would have been nice yes?

JackieTheFart Sun 20-Jun-21 17:16:52

Ah well I see I was too late.

How sad for those of you that are totally happy for your husbands to sit by passively because as an adult you can deal with it yourself.

MyHusbandIsARockStar Sun 20-Jun-21 17:17:37

He should have showed concern as you were hurt. He should offer to take you to hospital if your hand needs to be seen by a doctor.

I don’t understand the refund part. How would that help?

jenbendy Sun 20-Jun-21 17:18:16

JackieTheFart

Before anyone else jumps in with ‘why do you need your husband to fight your battles’ - can I just say that I totally get you?

I can 100% guarantee I would have come back from the toilet to find staff at the table in the middle of an apologetic conversation with my husband who would have immediately called someone over. We might have differing opinions on what we wanted from the restaurant (apology, free meal or whatever) but we have each other’s backs.

Is he quiet like this when it concerns him directly? Or just when it doesn’t? I can imagine how hurtful it must feel if he’s only arsed when it’s him flowers



Thank you. That's it. No team back up. Just felt a bit let down.

OP’s posts: |
SmidgenofaPigeon Sun 20-Jun-21 17:19:35

Did your teenagers ask if you were ok?

LubaLuca Sun 20-Jun-21 17:20:18

If it was the other way round I would've taken care of it.

This is possibly the reason why your husband doesn't get involved/assert himself. He's used to you sorting out problems, perhaps experience tells him you don't need an advocate.

He really should have spoken to you though, to check you were ok, even if he didn't fancy bollocking the staff on your behalf.

GravityFalls Sun 20-Jun-21 17:21:05

My DP would have got the whole meal for free and everyone apologising profusely - and he’s the quietest, nicest guy, completely non-aggressive but just takes no shit and has lived in countries where decent service is the norm and they’d actually care if you burned yourself!

jenbendy Sun 20-Jun-21 17:21:30

MyHusbandIsARockStar

He should have showed concern as you were hurt. He should offer to take you to hospital if your hand needs to be seen by a doctor.

I don’t understand the refund part. How would that help?



Refund wouldn't of helped really. Just felt they 'got away' with poor service and a ruined meal and I was a push over.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. Lots of effort for Father's Day and I end up with a burnt hand.

Home and everyone flopped in front of the telly as I seek comfort from MN. confused

OP’s posts: |
BooomShakeTheRoom Sun 20-Jun-21 17:21:38

What did you want from him?

I personally find it cringy that some people's husband's would have been having staff over apologising while you're in the toilet. They don't need to apologise to him, he wasn't hurt. You aren't the same people just because you're married.

Also, and I'm not trying to be contrary, but you should have expected it to be hot. It's a pan. Fair play if it was a plate but it's served in a pan for a reason, it indicates it's straight from the oven.

You touched a pan and got burned. They apologised. End of. Why make a mountain out of it? Next time, touch a pan quickly to see if it's hot before grasping it.

I wouldn't be attracted to a wholly passive person, but equally I don't expect my partner to be fighting unnecessary battles for me. My partner would have checked if I was alright but he wouldn't have called staff over, after all, they didn't really do anything wrong.

Spied Sun 20-Jun-21 17:21:51

Sounds like a bit of a man-child who is used to you taking the lead in situations.
Does he ever ' have your back' ?
My dp would be similar tbh. Bloody infuriating.

ChocolateCakeYum Sun 20-Jun-21 17:22:17

I mean I guess some sympathy from him wouldn’t go amiss but otherwise you’re capable of dealing with it yourself.

TroysMammy Sun 20-Jun-21 17:22:35

You need to fill out an accident report. If that was me I'd be quite put out if someone had dealt with it on my behalf if I was capable that is.

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