DS's girlfriend is pregnant

(175 Posts)
vorladung Sat 19-Jun-21 20:41:50

I've name changed

My DS has just turned 20. His girlfriend is 28 and she has an almost 8 yearold son. They've been together for just over a year and half. When they got together I was a bit hmm but I never told DS and I always supported their relationship and supported him helping his girlfriend bring her son up (his biological dad isn't involved). He now lives with her and her son.

Today he came around and told me that she's about 18 weeks pregnant, I was very shocked but I was supportive and he told me he didn't tell me earlier because he needed to get his head around it but now he's happy and so is his girlfriend.

I feel a bit sad as well as he's only 20 and he's already got a family but I'm also proud of him because he's helping to bring up another mans child.

I just feel terrible for being sad as I should be happy for them.

OP’s posts: |
Imapotato Sat 19-Jun-21 20:47:12

Congrats to your son and his partner.

I had dd1 at 19 and while being a young parent isn’t for everyone I’m so happy that it worked out that way for me, I wouldn’t change a thing. Being a young parent isn’t doom and gloom at all so long as you have your head screwed on and are ready and realistic about the challenges, as it sounds like your son is.

Congrats on being a nanny while you’re still young enough to enjoy it grin

DavidTheDog Sat 19-Jun-21 20:49:14

It's ok to be sad for what might have been, but there'll be lots of positives to this too.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sat 19-Jun-21 20:50:07

I’m not going to lie id be gutted- children hold you back and id want my child to enjoy their early 20s care free. Does he work and do they live together?

workshy44 Sat 19-Jun-21 20:51:28

I would be devastated too op- it’s just so very young and his life will look very different now. It’s not all doom and gloom but certainly not something to aspire too or what any parent would realistically want. Father of two at 20. All you can do is support him

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear Sat 19-Jun-21 20:52:49

OnlyFoolsnMothers

I’m not going to lie id be gutted- children hold you back and id want my child to enjoy their early 20s care free. Does he work and do they live together?

That surely depends on the kind of life you want. If you want a family life then children give that to you rather than holding you back. Not all 20 somethings want to be travelling and going out all the time.

OP in your shoes I would just get excited about being a grandparent.

Imapotato Sat 19-Jun-21 20:56:34

OnlyFoolsnMothers

I’m not going to lie id be gutted- children hold you back and id want my child to enjoy their early 20s care free. Does he work and do they live together?

That very much depends. For dd1 who has had her life planned out since she was about 8 and involves a high flying career that will demand a lot of study, yes, I would be sad for her as I would know that it was not what she had planned.

If my child was like me, a wild child with no real direction, but having a baby young made them get their shot together train for a career and make something of themselves, then I’d be proud 🤷‍♀️

One size doesn’t fit all.

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WeAllHaveWings Sat 19-Jun-21 20:58:49

Not what any parent would wish for their dc, not sure how I would have reacted if my ds told me he was seeing a 27 year old woman with a school aged child when he was just 19.

but if he is happy it is not the end of the world either, hope it works out for you all.

ViewFromTheSteeple Sat 19-Jun-21 21:00:48

Not all 20 somethings want to be travelling and going out all the time.

It isn't about that, it is about having no real responsibility, having the freedom to do what you want when you want. Dh and I weren't travelling all over the world or going out every night in our 20s but we will still nearly 30 when we had Ds1.

OP, I get it, I wouldn't have wanted my teenager to have a relationship with a woman so much older than him with a child already. Is your son working? Does she work? Have they worked out their finances?

Maggiesfarm Sat 19-Jun-21 21:02:51

Congratulations!

woolysock Sat 19-Jun-21 21:05:45

It's understandable how you feel, as PP said just try to get excited about being a grandparent, he sounds committed to his gf and her son which is lovely and reassuring.

My dh boss's 18 year old son is raising his daughter as a single dad. Boss is a bit sad as all the fellow parent friends dc are off to uni etc but he is incredibly proud and supportive of him.

It is what it is, congrats!

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sat 19-Jun-21 21:11:34

It’s not about travelling or clubbing- it’s literally about being able to do anything (even shopping, go to a museum or going to dinner) without the logistics of having a child- being able to blow your first few pay checks on crap you don’t need because you only have to worry and pay for yourself. Say what you want about everyone is different but I don’t see huge benefits in having my child burdened with so much responsibility so young and to make their life harder, plenty of time for that.

aibubaby Sat 19-Jun-21 21:13:20

A friend of mine did something similar - met an older woman in his early 20s, who already had a child. He's now an amazing, loving step dad to a 13 year old (the teenager's dad is useless and he has more than filled that gap) at 31, and he has 2 children of his own with his now wife. It's been the making of him.

I'm not saying I'd be delighted in your shoes, but it isn't always the worst thing in the world. If he's happy, that's all that matters.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 19-Jun-21 21:13:24

I’d feel the same as you do. Did he say it was planned?

Aquamarine1029 Sat 19-Jun-21 21:15:09

There's nothing wrong with not being happy about this. My children are older than yours, and I wouldn't have been happy about a pregnancy at that age, either.

Iwonder08 Sat 19-Jun-21 21:17:00

It is reasonable to feel sad. Perhaps I wouldn't be that supportive from the beginning.

SuperMonkeys Sat 19-Jun-21 21:21:16

I'd have had my eyebrows quite high when they first got together with that age gap/circs, let alone now. I wouldn't necessarily let on obvs, but I can't pretend I wouldn't be gutted for him.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel Sat 19-Jun-21 21:21:16

Sorry OP. I would be devastated. He's so young. The fact she has a child with someone else too wouldn't make me happy.

NautaOcts Sat 19-Jun-21 21:23:56

I think it’s understandable to feel like you do, but it’s great you are being outwardly supportive.
I think in your shoes if I was physically, emotionally and economically able to I would offer to be as hands on as possible to enable him to pursue opportunities

arithanaggerton Sat 19-Jun-21 21:24:45

You will get stick for it OP but I get it, I'd feel the same. Not so much over the baby, plenty of people become parents young and it's the making of them. It's the fact that he's a father figure to an 8 year old at 20 which I find sad. I also think the girlfriend is strange, sorry. At 28 with a child the thought of being with a 20 year old would make me boak.

Sceptre86 Sat 19-Jun-21 21:28:49

I'd be sad too but I wouldn't show it infront of him. You just have to do your best to be supportive.

Toottooot Sat 19-Jun-21 21:28:54

Congratulations Grunny!

pilates Sat 19-Jun-21 21:31:58

I would be disappointed too. At that age you should be carefree with no responsibilities but all you can do is be supportive. I’m sure you will feel differently when the baby arrives.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sat 19-Jun-21 21:32:49

I’d be gutted too, eighteen months is barely anything when dating and the chances of the relationship at his young age aren’t high I would imagine. I’d be thinking of the things he would miss out on, the financial commitment, the responsibility etc.

babbez Sat 19-Jun-21 21:33:56

I'm biased as I'm in a similar situation (20 with one child, having another with 22yo)...

But I don't get the sadness about a 20y old having a child, especially a man. It's really not the end of the world. There's no reason for him not to go to university, or go on holiday.

Some people are just being melodramatic when really - it never stopped me (and I was in a bad situation with no1)

I do find the age gap odd though- he could be siblings with the girlfriend's child. It's a bit much and for the little boy, too. I don't want to judge without knowing though

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