Was I really so completely out of order?

[lardylegs123]

I have 4 children, 3 teenage daughters and an older son.
I sometimes have slight issues with my 14 year old daughter, as she can be moody and incredibly sensitive. I'm generally very supportive toward her, and she knows I'm always there to chat to, etc.
Something happened today and I'd really appreciate some outside perspective.
I was out on a rare lunch with a good friend in the city centre today, and on the way home we passed the shops. We bumped into my 14 year old and her friend, and we had a quick chat asking them what they'd bought, etc. Daughter told me what she'd bought as a Father's Day gift.
She explained that she had bought her dad some mouthwash, deodorant and body wash. Friend and I had a little chuckle over this, and joked that she must be trying to tell him something!
We weren't being mean - just a bit giggly - and I thought nothing of it.
By the time I got home, daughter had told her siblings what had happened and they all had a go at me for being mean. I had apparently really embarrassed my daughter in front of her friend, and she had been tempted to return all the gifts to the shop
I grew up in a family where pisstaking was the norm, but I wouldn't say I'm like that. I'm a kind and nurturing mum. But I do think my daughter was being a bit precious.
I feel like I'm often on eggshells around her, yet still manage to put my big foot in it occasionally
I feel a bit rubbish about it, and a bit 'ganged up on', if I'm honest. I have apologised to my daughter for hurting her feelings.
But really, was I so very unreasonable?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[StoneofDestiny]

Sounds like a normal joke to me.

[lughnasadh]

I think your daughter is being a bit unreasonable with her gift, if that helps.

It does pretty much declare 'you stink', and not 'I love you'.

[lardylegs123]

Thanks - that's what I thought too.
Sigh. I'm struggling a bit with this age and stage.

[gingerbiscuit19]

I can see both sides. You didn't mean to offend her but in her world you belittle her in front of others. Fourteen is a sensitive age.

I would apologise to her and explain you didn't mean it.

[lardylegs123]

@lughnasadh

That was my thought, but bless her, she wanted to get him something practical he'd actually use. His teeth aren't the best these days I believe (we're not together), and he has become an oral health fanatic! So I think she thought she was trying to help.

[Carandi]

I do hope your DH doesn't have a similar sensitive nature as he may think he has a problem if he receives those gifts.

[Merryoldgoat]

She sounds tricky.

Your reaction was fine.

Her choice of gift is bizarre and I expect that’s why she’s behaving like that - she probably knows it’s a shit gift and feels embarrassed.

[lardylegs123]

And to be fair, he is very well-off, so a bit tricky to buy for.

[MeribleMelon]

YANBU, if she can’t handle that then how will she cope with the real world?
Just make it clear it was a joke and give her a big cuddle.
I wouldn’t pander too much though, it was a normal joke in normal social society, and she needs to learn that.

[HollowTalk]

What the hell did she think those gifts would tell her dad? They sound very cruel, tbh.

[lardylegs123]

She wouldn't have meant it as an unkind gift. Not in a million years. Have explained the reason for her purchases above

[thefirstmrsrochester]

I can see both sides as well. I wouldn’t be delighted to receive mouthwash, but nothing wrong with body wash and deodorant. She picked out items for her dad which was thoughtful and now she feels that the shine has been taken off the gesture.

[lardylegs123]

@thefirstmrsrochester

That's exactly it.

[Asterales]

As an adult: yes, sure, you and your friend were having a harmless, meaningless chuckle. No issues.

From a sensitive 14 year-old girl's perspective: She loves her dad. She's bought him a present that she hopes he'll like. Maybe she already feels protective/defensive about him around you (are you and her dad together? If not, she might have some complicated feelings about this).

She thinks that you and your friend took the piss out of her dad. She's hurt by that.

You did nothing "wrong" as such, but I can empathise with your daughter and can see where she's coming from.

[Readeatcake]

My father used to use the term walking on eggshells with me and that he felt I took everything to heart.

From my perspective my parents would always poke fun at me and would embarass and share private things infront of extended family. If I had done the same I would have been scolded.

I only say this as maybe your daughter has taken things more to heart as she feels it's always directed at her.
The mouthwash and deodorant I admit was a bit of an odd gift but she's at an age where she gets to make her own decisions on gifts and I assume spent her own money? Perhaps you should have just smiled a nodded rather than poking fun.

[DappledThings]

I'd have been upset as a 14 year old by that. I've never had any confidence in any present I've bought that it is the right thing, the whole idea of buying gifts makes me very nervous. So any undermining of what I'd tried to do, especially in front of someone else would have made me really sad.

[moita]

I don't think YANBU but I was a very sensitive girl at that age, my relationship with my mother was really strained and anything she did was mortifying.

Now I cringe but I'm grateful she stuck with me! I'm 35 and we have a fantastic relationship

[trunumber]

I think it would have been upsetting for her too. From her view she tried hard to find something for her dad who you said is hard to buy for and then you AND your friend laughed at her, in front of her friends. She's 14, she will be sensitive to the opinions of others. I imagine if you had said it directly to her with no witnesses it wouldn't have upset her so much but essentially you made a comment that meant your friend and her friends laughed at her. That's not nice when you're 14 and figuring yourself and the world out

[Merryoldgoat]

@lardylegs123

She wouldn't have meant it as an unkind gift. Not in a million years. Have explained the reason for her purchases above

Sorry OP - cross posted - i see why she chose that now.

[lardylegs123]

Many, many thanks to you all. I genuinely appreciate your insightful replies, every one of them.

[Sirzy]

@lardylegs123

And to be fair, he is very well-off, so a bit tricky to buy for.

From that do I guess right your separated from her Dad? If so I can see why your comment made her a bit awkward

[Enjoyingmyciffee]

Awkward. Dad’s not going to feel great tomorrow, is he?
As a teenager, I might have welcomed those gifts: I didn’t have much money and they’re not cheap.
As an adult, though, the message might be you smell, dad.
Maybe try to explain the adult perspective? It was lovely of her to shop for him, though.
Personally, I’d “buy” the gifts from her and suggest something a bit gentler/more appropriate.

Our youngest has bought cheese (dad will love it).

[BackforGood]

What Asterales said.

You did / said nothing wrong, but your dd is probably a bit defensive about her Dad if you aren't together and many, many 14 yr olds are a bit sensitive / touchy as they go through puberty and teen life, so it might have felt to her that your words embarrassed her in front of her friend.

Tbf, most teens go through a spell of being horrified to even have you anywhere near them when they are out with their friends, so you are doing something very well in that she actually stopped to chat with you

[Sirzy]

Surely most parents would prefer gifts their child has picked, albeit maybe not the most ideal gifts, than ones the other parent has picked?

[lardylegs123]

Yes, I mentioned that we're no longer together further up the thread. And yes, that could be it, even though it's been years since the divorce.