To be so ashamed of my husband causing a scene?

(589 Posts)
Vaterinadf Fri 18-Jun-21 19:51:22

It was so horrendous. We have 2 DC, 4 and 5 months. Yesterday we couldn't be arsed cooking and our 4 year old has never been to a restaraunt so I suggested we go to the local Pizza Express for dinner. 'D'H whinged about money. He is always complaining about money. Yes things are tight but we are able to stretch to the occasional treat as we have around £150 spare each month, but DH always gets in a tiff about it. I'm not regulary hounding him for treats, but the occasional "Ah shall we just get a takeaway for tonight?" will subject me to a half an hour long rant about how hard he works and about how I waste all his money. I work part-time but am on maternity leave. He reluctantly agreed to go.

As soon as we get in and are sat down, the whinging starts. "It's way too expensive, I want to go somewhere else, come on" (I was BFing 5mo at this point and didn't fancy traipsing around town for somewhere else to eat). I firmly said no, and that the DC will need to be in bed as soon as we get home and I'm not spending time wandering around.

Then he's rude and demanding to the waitress who was literally only a teenager. She asks if we're ready to take our order and we say yes. There's a technical issue with the order taking system she's using and she says "One second, sorry." and DH does a loud, extremely obvious tut that he clearly intended for the waitress to hear. The technical issue was sorted in literally seconds and was an absolute non-issue, the tut was just obnoxious and unnessecary. We then noticed her and another waitress kept glancing over our table so we'd clearly been marked as 'problem' customers. I've worked in hospitality previously and I've found myself risk-assessing tables before, so I felt awful. I did not want to be 'that' table.

I take baby to the bathroom to be changed and come back and the food is being served. DH again continues to just be rude and blunt. The waitress doesn't do anything wrong so he doesn't make complaints but I heard him say "No." (without a thank you) when the waitress asked if he'd like anything else. I thought that was rude. He whinges the whole time while we are eating about the food, the service, the decor etc. I didn't get to have a word in edgeways. The idea of a casual chat over a meal seemed to be lost on him. It was tense and I hated it. Even our 4YO could barely say a word over the monologue.

The waitress ends up dropping a fork on the floor when collecting our empty plates and is extremely apologetic and clearly nervous. DH again tuts and says that he's found the service disgraceful and it's horrendous we weren't offered a high chair for baby (Baby is 5 months ffs, the high chair at home is still boxed up so he was just looking for anything to complain about! It was quite obvious that baby was too young for a highchair so of course we weren't asked.). We ask for the bill and I tell him I think he's been absolutely disgusting and I'm ashamed of him and tell him to go and get the car. He then leaves but starts whinging and being sarcastic, saying crap like "Sorry for breathing." He's gone by the time we get the bill, it's a different waitress to the one who served us. I go up to the one who served us, apologise profusely and give her a £10 tip.

We argue about it when we get home and then he started the pity party about how he is depressed. I'm not saying he makes up his depression, but he only talks about it when I'm upset with him for something. "It's my depression that makes me like this!" and yet he never seeks help. I would never, ever say he just uses depression as an excuse but surely it is now his responsibility to seek help? He's a completely unpleasant human being and I dread him coming home from work every day. He is not the man I married, who I loved. He was kind and loving. I mean it, so kind. Everybody told me I'd got a goodun with him. I miss that man so much. He changed after first DC but has been absolutely insufferable since our recent baby. I don't know what to do. I enjoy being at home during the day with my 2 little ones, and then once DH comes through the door suddenly there is an unbearable tension.

OP’s posts: |
SandysMam Fri 18-Jun-21 19:55:36

Leave him. He sounds horrendous. If a period apart doesn’t convince him to sort himself out he never will. He needs a good kick up the arse.

randomkey123 Fri 18-Jun-21 19:56:45

He sounds like an absolute arse, OP.

I would refuse to go out with him again until he's learned some manners.

Bellyups Fri 18-Jun-21 19:56:46

Gosh I couldn’t spend any time with someone like that (sorry, I know that not helpful).
The poor waitress. Well done for finding her, it’s a shame you had to apologise for your H behaviour.

CirqueDeMorgue Fri 18-Jun-21 19:57:47

Oh bless you sad no advice but hugs and, as someone who also works in hospitality, your apology will have been appreciated.

Sirzy Fri 18-Jun-21 19:58:44

If he is that depressed he needs to get help.

I have depression and it doesn’t give me an excuse to be an arsehole

TableDesk Fri 18-Jun-21 19:59:01

You deserve so much better. So do your children flowers

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cravingpistachiocake Fri 18-Jun-21 19:59:54

Yanbu.

💐 Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like he’s awful to live with, and it’s not fair to you, the kids, or innocent bystanders to be made unhappy by him.

Whether he is depressed, or just unhappy, he has a responsibility to sort himself out - either deal with whatever is making him unhappy or see a medical professional. If he doesn’t he’s going to end up alone as well as unhappy.

Have you had a serious conversation about it, at a time when you’re not arguing?

MaBroon21 Fri 18-Jun-21 20:00:27

Op, he sounds obnoxious and I’m sorry you and the waitress were subjected to his bullying.

He really doesn’t sound like someone worth your efforts.

Southwestrunningmum Fri 18-Jun-21 20:00:42

It’s brutal having 2 under 4 and when you work and then evenings and weekends don’t seem as relaxing.

He was clearly rude but the root cause is he is probably struggling/sleep deprived etc.

Are you show that finances are not bad at the moment?

Can you try chatting to him?

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal Fri 18-Jun-21 20:01:29

I gave my DH an ultimatum regarding his depression: he got professional help, or I left him and took the children.

He did get help, and things are much better now. Good men can behave horribly when struggling with their mental health - but truly good men will get help and not let their illness make their family miserable too.

Trevsadick Fri 18-Jun-21 20:02:46

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. You can ask him to get help.

But Unless he wants to get help and engages with it, it won't work. If you threaten to leave and he feels forced to get it, he probably won't stick at it.

I have a few mental health diagnosis, it's awful. They were mainly caused by my ex mental illness and the way he treated us.

It is really, really awful. But it no excuse to be awful to your partner, children or random waitress. With what he said, he knows his behaviour was awful, but is just excusing it.

He knows he is being awful to you you, but not doing anything.

The main thing to remember is, if he like this in the home, regardless of his reason, the impact on the kids well being will be the same.

Thats said, if he does get help, I think it would be worth supporting him while he does. Even if that means he lives somewhere else for a time. There's definitely things he can do, but there's not much you can do.

Hugs to you though

BlueBoob Fri 18-Jun-21 20:03:04

What is he doing about his depression? Therapy? Medication?

KurtWilde Fri 18-Jun-21 20:03:37

You and your DC deserve better than this. But the very fact you dread him coming home means you already know that.

AntiSocialDistancer Fri 18-Jun-21 20:03:45

Being as generous as I possibly can be if hes had a personality change it sounds like he is mentally struggling with the kids. Maybe he needs the doctors, maybe he's run down and needs 3 months of work, maybe he needs more sleep. Maybe his irritability makes him more anxious and stressed about finances which he displayed completely inappropriately.

I know someone as uncomfortable to go out to dinner with. Fuck the joy just gets soaked out of the food.

If that were my husband he'd be under orders for either
1. Doctors
Or 2. Divorce.

If he can't see he has a problem you dont need to live with it. If he's working on it I would be more patient.

ScottishNewbie Fri 18-Jun-21 20:03:50

Depression is no excuse for treating other human beings rudely.
If this was a regular occurrence I would leave. What a terrible example for your kids

Bluntness100 Fri 18-Jun-21 20:05:36

Put the kids to bed and rhen tell him you want to talk and tell him straight, that you miss who he was, that you are uncomfortable with who he has become and you don’t know if you can continue like this, that you understand he says it’s because he’s mentally unwell but he needs to seek help for that, and that if it doesn’t start to improve, you will need to noth consider going your seperate ways, but that rhe current situation can’t continue.

AmberIsACertainty Fri 18-Jun-21 20:06:27

He's bloody horrible. What to do? LTB. He thinks all the money is his and resents spending it on any of the rest of you. His grumping at the restaurant was deliberately designed to make it an unpleasant experience for you so you never want to go anywhere again, which is controlling behaviour from him. Depression my arse. Nothing you've said points to depression. Although if he is depressed he needs to seek help not expect you to put up with it. Depression doesn't make all people selfish bastards by the way. It can make selfish people who were successfully hiding their selfishness unable to hide it any longer though.

IsItMeOrIsItYou Fri 18-Jun-21 20:08:09

Is he getting help for his depression at the moment?

Arbadacarba Fri 18-Jun-21 20:08:20

I hope your husband can get help for his depression - but his behaviour to you is terrible. I honestly struggle to imagine he can't manage his behaviour better than this, the depression notwithstanding.

I've been in a situation with a man behaving like that in a restaurant and it's utterly mortifying.

HarrisMcCoo Fri 18-Jun-21 20:09:19

Sounds like you have a third child, such silly behaviour coming from him. Ask him to see a GP re the depression.

PicsInRed Fri 18-Jun-21 20:10:49

He was faking the niceness until he got you sufficiently trapped. That "nice" man doesnt really exist - not for women anyway. When was the last time he treated his male mates or his make boss how he talks to you and women in service?

It's so common OP, you couldn't have known. Plan to leave him when you are able - for a medium term plan I would prioritise birth control and a financial plan, including work.

Are you ever afraid of him, physically?

Stevearnottsbeard Fri 18-Jun-21 20:10:54

I would say to him you can't use depression as an excuse unless your willing to except help for it. If not, your just a rude, obnoxious arsehole and me and the kids are leaving

FedUp111 Fri 18-Jun-21 20:11:44

Bless ya.

Maybe if possible stay over at parents for a week or so and take a break from him. Clear your head and where you want to take it from there.

woodhill Fri 18-Jun-21 20:11:47

I know they would never speak to their work colleagues in this fashion

So sorry OP.

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