To move back in with my abuser?

[Gograce]

Hear me out. I know on paper the answer is a clear as day no. But I genuinely have no where to go. In less than a weeks time the home I'm living in will be sold. I have no family that can take me and Support me financially. I'm unemployed with a 5 month baby. Before all of this I was living on/off with my partner and receiving uc. If I was to live with my family they would consider their wages and deduct my uc meaning I wouldnt be able to contribute to rent hence why they cant afford to take me. If I live on my own I've been told I can be put in a hostel far away and the last thing I want when feeling so fragile is to be isolated from my family. I've barely seen them since the pandemic as it is. No i dont want to live in a refuge either. My partner isnt a threat or aggressive, he has been sexually abusive. So is my only option is to move back with him? He wants us all back as a happy family. And I dont have the energy to stress anymore. I want to be able to unpack and finally settle someone. My baby and I deserve a home...

[Twilow]

No. Do it for yourself and your baby. Go to a refuge or your family or your friends and take things as they come. You have done amazingly well leaving him. His niceness will not last.

[Gograce]

@Twilow I have mo family or friends that can take me in...that is the problem

[H8o8]

Go to a refuge. It'll be a short term solution that will give you and your child a lifeline and hope.

Don't go back. Don't go back. Don't go back

[Twilow]

Definitely go to the refuge then. You are worthy of being in a safe environment to raise your child and get back on your feet

[RoseRedRoseBlue]

You know it’s not an option. Have you explained your entire situation to the council?

[Si1ver]

Please don't go back lovely. You deserve better than that. So does your baby.

[vampirethriller]

I've been in a refuge, it was fine, it wasn't anything like I was afraid it would be. They help you with housing and benefits and everything.

[Ohpulltheotherone]

Don’t go back.

It feels like the only or easiest opinion right now but long term it will be a huge mistake.

Please don’t take your child into an abusive situation.

If you go to a hostel or a refuge it won’t be forever, it may not even be for that long at all. But if you go back to him it could be years before you can leave again.

I know it feels like you don’t have the energy or strength to keep going but you have to. You have to find it somewhere, dig deep. You know it’s not the answer.

[Welikebeingcosy]

They always tell people they could put them in a place far away and you have to put your foot down with the council and tell them your mental health depends on you being close by to your family. They told me this, trying to deter me from applying and I said 'okay' and within the next half an hour I had keys to a temporary flat in a building around the corner, which was mostly other empty temporary flats. The same thing was said to a girl I met who then ended up at the same flat You could even get a social worker involved to fight for you. They have housing lawyers at citizens advice too, who will help you deal with the council for local housing support. Do you really want your child growing up around a sexual predator? Also if you're receiving universal credit then I'm pretty sure you have the right to stay exactly where you are, as I had an ex landlord tell me he couldn't take people on benefits as they weren't able to be evicted. Call citizens advice on this and find your rights.

[tornadosequins]

Still no. I'm not joining in with the story you're spinning yourself to justify this.

Your baby deserves to be protected, not to be taken back to live with an abuser and suffer lifelong damage from developmental trauma. Your baby won't thank you for doing that.

You're making excuses and choices here. "I don't want to live in a refuge" is a choice. You genuinely have multiple available options that do not involve returning to an abuser.

Things must have been really bad for you to be explaining he sexually abused you like that's a redeeming quality. It is not.

Temporary accommodation or a refuge is a stepping stone to a better place. Going back to him is chucking your baby's future in the bin.

You keep your baby away from that man, whatever it takes. That is what your baby deserves. And it is what you deserve even if you feel tired and scared right now.

[Hankunamatata]

Go to the refuge. It's a starting place. Something for you to build on to get to where you want to be - near your family and safe

[MouseInCatsClaws]

A refuge is a stepping stone on your path to better things.

Where will moving backwards bring you?

Be strong. Things will get better, and your daughter will have a better life for it.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Do you think he will let you leave again? He will make things much harder next time around if you go back. You could trap yourself in an awful situation. Please go to a refuge.

[Welikebeingcosy]

Only the rent element of UC would be affected by you living with family. You'd still get enough to make a contribution to the bills and food.

[Velvian]

I moved back in with my abusive ex (in the house that I jointly owned) and slept on the floor of my DS's room. He was also sexually abusive and very manipulative. It really escalated after I went back and I ended up having to barricade myself and DS in his room. Don't go back.

Is the house that's being sold in your ex's name?

[Welikebeingcosy]

If living in a women's refuge is the only option you have, I can tell you I lived in one in the states for 9months when pregnant and with DD newborn. It was the best time of my life and living in my own place I miss it dreadfully, with the constant support, company , activities, space for the kiddies to play. I've looked at documentaries and articles of refuges over in the UK since being back, out of curiosity and they look even better, since here you get your own room, whereas in The States I had to share with another family. These places are full of support, safety, comfort and resources which are a lot harder to find on your own.

[z4zie]

No, do not go back. Go to a refuge for the sake of your baby. What advice would you have given to your child if she was in the same scenario? How was he a sexual abuser without being aggressive? Choose safety.

[Librariesmakeshhhhappen]

If you cant afford a home then you dont have the luxury of saying you dont want to live on a refuge.
You cannot take your child back into the home of an abusive man. You just cannot do that. So you go to a refuge, or you take the offer of housing from the council out of your area.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Don’t go back. Never go back. Go to the refuge. Things will improve without your abuser in your life. Wishing you strength.

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Dont go back. Go to a refuge.

[Nats1984]

Go in a refuge . You’ll get rehoused quickly from there as refuge places are expensive and in demand. You’ll get a flat really quickly through the LA if you are coming from a refuge . They aren’t awful, they’re designed to be places that women and children can heal , there’ll be everything you need there and other than signing in and out and letting them know if your away for the night ( eg staying at your mums ) you are free to go about your business. Night times can be boring so I suggest doing some online training / OU course or something to occupy yourself . The time will whizz past then :)

[Musereader]

Your family's earnings do not reduce your UC. Only the claimants (and the partners, if there is one) earnings are ever used.

You will get the £411 for yourself and the £235 for your child. No rent (as you are presumably not on the tenancy). If YOU have a job, only YOUR earnings are used to reduce that. Any other adults you are living with would mean a deduction for the rent element only, but as you wouldn't be getting rent anyway that is irrelevant.

Live with your family, be firm with the council that you need your own place close, when they say you will be put far away, that is just to present you with worst case scenario, it does not mean you actually will be sent far away. But you cannot expect very close if there is no council properties nearby.

I did it, my sister did it, we both escaped abusive men, it does turn out better than you expect, just do not go back.

[Alternista]

@Nats1984

Go in a refuge . You’ll get rehoused quickly from there as refuge places are expensive and in demand. You’ll get a flat really quickly through the LA if you are coming from a refuge . They aren’t awful, they’re designed to be places that women and children can heal , there’ll be everything you need there and other than signing in and out and letting them know if your away for the night ( eg staying at your mums ) you are free to go about your business. Night times can be boring so I suggest doing some online training / OU course or something to occupy yourself . The time will whizz past then :)

This, every word.
You absolutely DO have a choice. Make the right one x

[notanothertakeaway]

I have visited refuge accommodation in a professional capacity and was pleasantly surprised it was more comfortable than I expected

Ending a relationship is hard. I hope you feel able to move on and away. If you end up moving back in with your ex, please maintain contact with friends and family who may be able to help you move out in future

[RoseMartha]

Please go to the refuge.