To hate having to work after the kids have gone to bed

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Another evening of putting the DC (5&2) to bed and then logging back on to my work laptop to finish off a load of work I havent managed to get done during the day because I finish at 5pm to do the school and nursery run.

It's hot, I'm tired and I thoroughly resent DH who does the school drop off in the morning for DS, gets to his desk for 8.45am, pops out of his office for dinner at 6.30pm and then like a bloody meerkat dives back into his office to work until all the bathtime and general getting kids to bed fuckery is over. And then announces he's off to the gym as he's finished work for the day while I log back on.

I take DD to nursery for 8am, get home at 8.10am then work until 5.15pm when I pick up both kids, bring them home, make dinner, bath, bed etc then back at the bloody laptop again. We are both fairly senior in our roles and working over contracted hours is considered par for the course but I am getting very annoyed that he only has to do 1/4 of the school and nursery runs, gets to do his work in one uninterrupted chunk, gets dinner made for him and then misses bedtime as he's working.

It's the same for every bloody man in my team as well - they all have someone at home picking up the slack so don't have to work late into the evenings and do nice stuff for them like cycling or going to the gym etc. Just me and all the other mums in my team online at 8.30pm doing the "mum shift" trying to keep our careers alive.

Sorry, rant over. I know I need to speak to DH who will start going on about his promotion for the good of the family and how it means he needs needing to be on calls at 6pm so can't get the kids but flexible working isn't really as great as everyone makes out for women. We're flexing but we're online at night while the men are having their down time.

[Mynextname]

Yanbu. Whilst the changes over time have made it more possible for more women to work more, it has essentially just made it possible for them to burn themselves out as the burden of unpaid work still falls mostly on their shoulders.

I think as a society we need to view ourselves more as a collective and less as individuals - it would be impossible to survive without being entangled in relationships with other human beings. This would help to place greater importance on unpaid work and traditional women's work. That's not to say that only women should be doing most of this. It's just that if these roles were more valued then maybe it's something men might aspire more to too.

[lostitall]

At least you have a fella to do the school run- many of us have all the same with not a scrap of help
Mind you I feel this is a better deal than a useless lump

[Macncheeseballs]

That's ridiculous, why are you allowing that to happen, why not divvy things up fairly?

[accentdusoleil]

Have you spoken to him about it ?

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Right now I'm looking at Microsoft Teams at the people in my team who are online and still working. All women, all mothers. Flexibility is great but this is just exhausting!

[burritofan]

Tomorrow, after dinner: follow him to his office with the kids. Open the door. Plonk kids inside. Shout “your turn for bedtime!” Repeat until he pulls his fucking finger out.

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Everytime I speak to him about it he gets really defensive or he starts saying "OK, well you go and get the job that pays xyz (he earns 50% more than what I earn) and I'll do all the school runs and work 4 days a week then."

[TheGirlWhoLived]

When do you get to see your children though!? If they go to nursery at 8 and not back until 5:15, then bath and bed at what 7? They are so little!

[polexiaaphrodesia]

@burritofan I think I may do. I just want to go to the bloody gym or do something nice rather than working all evening. And don't get me started on working 4 days a week which is basically 5 days in 4 for 20% less pay.

[polexiaaphrodesia]

@TheGirlWhoLived between 6am when they wake up and 8am and then from 5.15pm until bed at 8pm?

[TheDevils]

@polexiaaphrodesia

Everytime I speak to him about it he gets really defensive or he starts saying "OK, well you go and get the job that pays xyz (he earns 50% more than what I earn) and I'll do all the school runs and work 4 days a week then."

This isn't acceptable.
My DH earns 50% more than me but that doesn't mean he gets to do 50% fewer school runs, childcare or housework.

Has he always been such a misogynist?

[polexiaaphrodesia]

I don't think that's unreasonable. I work 4 days a week.

[Oly4]

The OP does not need a lecture on seeing her children more. She needs advice on dealing with her husband. Many of us have higher earning husbands who do more than yours. He shouldn’t get to F off to the gym

[rainyskylight]

I have a similarly frustrating set up but my DH does bathtime and/or baby tea. I always do bedtime (still breastfeeding). It’s not fair on you that you do tea, bath AND bed. And then dinner for both of you. It’s not on.

[polexiaaphrodesia]

@TheGirlWhoLived also why is it me you're asking about seeing my children? Not my husband

[Ugzbugz]

Are you getting paid or leiu time for extra hours? What would happen if you simply couldn't do hours in the evening?

I think the working world has become absolutely insane, why is everyone doing it or allowing it?

Yes your DH should be doing half the load but you shouldn't be doing the hours you do expectation or not.

[CreamOrange]

It does sound like hell. Work work work!! Argh... I do not mean to be insulting to any particular person. But I do think it's horrible what 'normal' family life has become. Who actually feels at peace or has any contentment rushing around all the time? What is it for?

[ThorFull]

That’s not fair. If you both want to pursue careers, then domestic shit is split evenly.

I’ve sacrificed my career progression so DH can advance his. So I do the lion’s share of childcare, housework and mental load. I still work 3 days, as a teacher (I just can’t take on any extra roles or become more senior). He still pulls his weight in the mornings when I need an early start. And leaves early when I’ve got parents evening or whatever.

You and your DH need a serious talk. You’re a team. He needs to pull his weight. He should be doing either dinner or bath.

[FrownedUpon]

Sounds miserable. Is this really the life you want? I think you need to implement some changes.

[Totallyrandomname]

Why can’t you share everything equally, if you both have the same need to work over hours.

It would annoy me having to do every bed time. He shouldn’t be having way more free time than you.

For me though the constant working over hours would be an issue. I wouldn’t be happy with that as a long term thing. Must be difficult to get a nice work/life balance working additional hours every day.

[TheDevils]

@TheGirlWhoLived

When do you get to see your children though!? If they go to nursery at 8 and not back until 5:15, then bath and bed at what 7? They are so little!

Hopefully this is aimed at her husband too?

Not that I'm suggesting you don't see enough of your kids OP....

[nanbread]

@polexiaaphrodesia

Everytime I speak to him about it he gets really defensive or he starts saying "OK, well you go and get the job that pays xyz (he earns 50% more than what I earn) and I'll do all the school runs and work 4 days a week then."

Well he's a prize isn't he. Earning more doesn't mean you can abdicate from home life.

Do you need that extra money? I doubt it. Call his bluff.

[polexiaaphrodesia]

Actually sorry, you touched a nerve a bit there and I didn't mean to be rude.

[ceeveebee]

Both DH and I are in senior roles and there’s not a prayer I’d let him get away with that. We share the morning drops offs and the evening pick ups fairly. I do all the cooking (as I’m better at it) but he does all the laundry and ironing, and half the bedtimes too.

My (male) boss, the CEO of a FTSE100 does school pickups and bedtimes and sticks them all in his diary for all to see!

You need to put your foot down. If he’s so senior then he should have some control over his diary and be able to block out time a couple of evenings a week.

[TrifleCat]

The problem is that caring roles /parenting has been so devalued in modern society that women are pressured into working alongside doing these roles because of the importance placed on earning money.

It’s so entwined in our society I don’t even begin to know how we change it