It’s happening again....

(134 Posts)
TierTired87 Tue 15-Jun-21 01:19:37

I posted a while back about some issues I was having with my husband at the end of 2020.

Things have been good since. We spoke and he understood and everything had been fine.

Recently, LITTLE things are starting to creep back in in the last week.

So, this week my bag split at the till of the supermarket. They replaced everything that broke and apologised - yet he still says it’s my fault for overloading the bag. And keeps bringing it up.

I was painting some old furniture in the garden and spilt some on the decking and he came out in front of all the builders next door and told me to clean it up really loudly. I did and he watched. One of the builders asked if I was OK after.

Before this incident, he burnt a hole in our carpet from putting hot ash in a plastic bag. I just made a joke - but I was livid. I realised how it would be if it was the other way around.

At the weekend, we were going to the beach (we live by the coast). It was hot and our lovely older neighbours said they’d look after DD for the afternoon. I explicitly said not to take the dogs as it was hot and he agreed. Then he got annoyed I had apparently picked the wrong beach towel (not his favourite one) and then next thing he had the dogs leads on and they were coming. He kept asking me why I was quiet at the beach and then said ‘the dogs are hot, we shouldn’t have bought them’ and nipped them home. I REALLY wanted to say something.

And I constantly feel like he is poking me for reactions. Bringing up everything small, winding me up.

I don’t know. Am I being overly sensitive?

We’ve had some serious issues, but I thought they were ironed out.

I know it’s late. But I can’t sleep.

OP’s posts: |
Blue4YOU Tue 15-Jun-21 01:32:21

He sounds like an absolute cunt.
What would your life be like without him in it?
Do you prefer when he’s not around?

Snoozer11 Tue 15-Jun-21 01:33:21

I didn't read your other thread but from this he sounds like a complete twat.

You are not being oversensitive.

Stick up for yourself and stop taking his bullshit.

Tell him you're not taking the dogs to the beach when you see they have their leads on. Tell him to drop the shopping bag issue and you don't want to hear any more about it. Tell him not to speak to you like shit when you spill something. Tell him to pack his own beach towel.

He should not be poking you for a reaction. From what you've written he doesn't sound like a very nice man.

NiceTwin Tue 15-Jun-21 01:36:03

If an outsider asks if you are alright because they recognise he is a complete dick to you, then he absolutely is a dick.

Can you leave, do you want to leave?

Takenoprisoner Tue 15-Jun-21 01:45:26

This is abuse, especially him demanding loudly you clean up the paint and standing over you watching while you did. He was deliberately humiliating you, perhaps even trying to scare you a bit.

You're walking on eggshells and not daring to challenge him. You don't have to live like this. It's true what they say, abusive men don't change, they only change their abusive tactics.

TierTired87 Tue 15-Jun-21 01:46:15

NiceTwin

If an outsider asks if you are alright because they recognise he is a complete dick to you, then he absolutely is a dick.

Can you leave, do you want to leave?

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person.

That’s a shit answer, I know.

OP’s posts: |
Anordinarymum Tue 15-Jun-21 01:50:51

You say it's happening again. How did you make it stop the last time ?

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IAmDaveTheSerialShagger Tue 15-Jun-21 01:54:07

You knew exactly what he was like yet you chose to stay, why?

CandyLeBonBon Tue 15-Jun-21 01:57:25

You can't wish someone to be who you want them to be. Take it from one who's been through that meat grinder.

All he did before was mask. But no one can keep that up Indefinitely.

It's not what you want to hear (It wasn't what I wanted to hear either) and you may well carry on in the same vein until you do, eventually, realise that he's just a nasty cunt, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I've namechanged several times since mine and every now and then I read my previous posts, which roughly coincide to the stage you're at and think "why the fuck did I not just end it there?"

I wish you luck. It's a horrible journey, but me snd many other women have trodden the same path and come out the other side better for splitting.

thanks

ursuslemonade Tue 15-Jun-21 01:58:48

It's very unlikely that he will change.
He sounds like an absolute arsehole.
Don't you have a knot permanently in your stomach from living like this?
He is abusing you.

FactsAndFigs Tue 15-Jun-21 02:03:13

Why you asking if you being over sensitive?

He is complete utter bastard and he already got you doubting yourself that you seeking permission for you to have right if to be upset or angry at way treating you.

Just form this post alone I have him down as narcissistic prick!

I can not highly recommend enough Lundy Bancroft book ‘why does he do that’. Honestly reading it, it’s like he knows your partner in every says and does as to writes like he knows you and reminds you who you are and all positive stuff.

Even the builders know ur partner a prick!

You know yourself also.

Calmyertits Tue 15-Jun-21 02:04:09

You'll spend your life going around in circles. You cant change him, no amount of promises from him from a talk or you saying you will leave will fix that. Please dont spend the rest of your life being worn down by this prick or letting your children think its okay to treat other like it or accept themselves being treated like it either. Yes hell beg, hell cry, hell swear hell change AGAIN and itll never happen AGAIN but i promise you, it will and you are worth so much more than that.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Jun-21 02:08:12

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person

This simply isn't going to happen, op. What you see is what you get. You just have to decide how many more days or years you're willing to waste until you accept it.

If you want to know how bad he is, a stranger felt it necessary to ask if you were ok after your husband humiliated and berated you. That's how bad it is. Don't allow your child to grow up in this environment. He will soon be doing this to her.

Bogeyes Tue 15-Jun-21 02:39:30

He is a controlling bully. He will only get worse. Don't let him belittle you anymore...leave him and get someone who appreciates you.

rejectedcarrit Tue 15-Jun-21 03:06:11

It sounds as though you need to take a deep breath and be the one to create a scene. Polite but firm, just push back. 'We are not taking the dogs, it's too hot'. 'I will clean the paint up later...you are making a lot of fuss over so thing minor'.

At present you are placating him. You are concerned you are being oversensitive. You hope that he will just wise up and be nice. That's not going to happen. He sounds like a bully and the only option here is to refuse to be bullied. Find your voice, be assertive and refuse to be pushed around. Do not be afraid of the eruption from him, deep breathing, keep your cool, fold your arms and look at him until he runs out of steam. Demand apology.

He sounds like a nightmare though. You shouldn't have to up your game in terms of assertiveness to manage his bullshit. He should just be a decent human being. I wonder how long your relationship will last, most would find it hard to be around him and any love and respect would be out the window.

lakesummer Tue 15-Jun-21 03:12:35

What makes you think he isn't aware?

His behavior was so bullying and controlling that strangers checked on your welfare.

That level of control is not accidental or unaware.

tornadosequins Tue 15-Jun-21 03:35:39

I've just refreshed my memory of your last thread, which I remembered incidentally.

He is a controlling abuser. No, not an ogre, but the vast majority of abusers are not ogres and I agree with you that your previous experiences of abuse are clouding your judgment.

At the end of your last thread the resolution you described was that you were going to work harder to submit to his control to avoid him kicking off. That's sad in itself, but also always doomed to fail

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person.

You can't have that I'm afraid. It is not an available option and never will be. So what are you going to do about making leaving bearable and manageable?

Your last post on the previous thread said you were going to read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' - did you read it in the end? Or was it too confronting?

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme? It too explains the dynamics of coercive control abuse and that it's not about looking for ogres or villains, but patterns of control. Patterns of control that are running through your relationship like a name in a stick of rock. All abusers have lovely sides and lovely times - it's how they keep you trapped and avoid accountability.

If you're as young as your username suggests it would be an absolute tragedy if you threw away the rest of your life stuck in a cycle of continually submitting and surrendering ever more of yourself in a futile effort to get him to stop abusing you. There will be nothing left of you.

It will never be enough. He will always feel the need to come down harder on you to keep you under his control. That's the purpose of demeaning and degrading you - to make you feel you're worthless and this is what you deserve.

It's not. Your life should be better than this. I hope your next thread is about finally leaving him and rebuilding your life free from abuse. You may need professional support to do that given your past, so that you can break these patterns and rewire how you think away from his control, but it is achievable.

He is already an aware person, he is very aware of his deliberate choice to abuse you. The way he treats you is not normal.

You can't fix this. You can only leave and fix your life and the damage he's done in training you to accept this behaviour and in breaking down your self-esteem. That's what you can fix, and that's where your energies are best spent.

Ophanim Tue 15-Jun-21 03:41:34

My DH was a bit like this. Even if something wasn't my fault, it was my fault.... He'd nitpick and I'd take it because i didn't want to rock the boat.

He said something to our grown up daughter last year that was way out of line and I said "If you ever speak to me like that I will leave you". I think he believed me but things got worse for other reasons and I was completely and utterly prepared to leave. I told him what I wanted, what i didn't want and what my plans were. He was pretty shocked and realized that NO, I wasn't putting up with his shit any more, and YES, I was prepared to walk away. He's stopped all that nitpicking now.

tornadosequins Tue 15-Jun-21 03:45:39

He hid your keys from you to stop you going out. He controls your finances. He degrades, attacks and humiliates you on a regular basis. He blames you for his behaviour. He keeps you walking on eggshells trying to avoid doing anything to 'provoke' him.

He's trained you to accept his abuse as normal. He managed to convince you that submitting yourself more completely to his control was the solution to matters.

He may not hit you, but he has still subjected you to major abuse for an extended period of time.

Bksjshsbbev2737 Tue 15-Jun-21 06:14:01

It’s the fact that someone else asked if you were ok which really strikes me; they obviously didn’t feel ok with what had happened

DeathStare Tue 15-Jun-21 06:20:54

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person

Well, you can aim for that - would he go to counselling with you? But ultimately you can't make him be a better and more aware person, so you might be left with a choice between staying with things how they are or leaving. If he refuses to go for counselling or to address it in a different way, then he's telling you that he actually wants things like this and doesn't care whether that makes you unhappy. Is that a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Tossblanket Tue 15-Jun-21 06:23:14

Sounds like a complete bully.

Shame that builder didn't fill him in.

Can they shove him under a patio or something?

DeathStare Tue 15-Jun-21 06:24:05

I've not read your previous post, and have just seen @tornadosequins response. Forget what I said about counselling - it's not appropriate with someone abusive. You really do have only two choices - hes not going to become a better and more aware person, because he IS aware what he's doing and he likes it like this.

Mummadeze Tue 15-Jun-21 06:31:32

You don’t sound ready to leave him. I understand because I can’t find the courage to leave my partner either. The problem is, the longer you leave it, the harder it gets because your self esteem erodes and you start to get so used to the way of life. I have found a million ways to cope and survive being in a controlling relationship. But deep down I know life could be so much easier and happier either on my own or with someone balanced and kind. Pandering to them doesn’t work because they will pick arguments out of nothing. My partner criticises me to make himself feel better. He will fabricate a fault even if there isn’t one. A lot of the time I don’t let it go, I do argue back because I don’t want to be a victim. But this just leads to either a bigger, scarier row or to periods of prolonged sulking. So then I sometimes take the low level abuse, for an easier life. When he does now say something normal, after so much negativity, it feels like the best compliment and I start to feel stupidly grateful that he is being ‘nice’. The high and low feeling is a bit addictive too when your self esteem is low. You may not be experiencing all this now but after years and years, the bad times outweigh the good when you are with someone who is a bit of a bully and controlling. They can’t help themselves and they usually don’t want to change. I am 17 years into my relationship and it feels impossible to get out of. I just wanted to give you a perspective that may make you think about whether this life is what you really want.

PracticingPerson Tue 15-Jun-21 06:34:16

I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be a better and more aware person. This isn't going to happen. Think you either need to accept how he is or leave. flowers

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