To think this tells me all I need to know?

(138 Posts)
Thatspointless Tue 15-Jun-21 01:12:28

Trying to make post lockdown plans with my best friend of 25 years. We've both been through hell during Covid, haven't seen each other for over a year, we live 200 miles apart.
Me: We're allowed to meet up, I miss you so much! I want to see you ASAP, I will come to you (big city, my adult son lives there and I haven't seen him for months either so planning visiting both)
BF: Definitely, anytime, ASAP!
Me: next weekend?
BF: actually I'm busy next weekend
Me: ha no worries! Weekend after?
BF: so many plans, how about end of August?

That's pretty clear isn't it? I'm fucking heartbroken tonight.
To avoid dripfeeding, I've always tried to be a low maintenance friend and I've never made a fuss about difficulty in arranging suitable times (honestly I've bent over backwards to accommodate the busy and important London thing for DECADES) but after everything that has happened the last year or so this feels like a massive kick in the teeth. This is all a bit one sided isn't it? I feel like a twat.

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plodalong12 Tue 15-Jun-21 01:21:37

The event you've been planning has been suggested to take place in August instead of June (a WHOLE two months later) and you're "fucking heartbroken"? If you feel like a twat it should be because of your reaction, not because of your friend.

Your friend hasn't done anything wrong. If you were planning this for over a year and getting nowhere then I could understand but some people aren't ready to just meet at the drop of a hat the weekend of the request.

Pemba Tue 15-Jun-21 01:23:11

Fuck her, she's not worth it OP. I understand how sad you must feel, but this shows she is not what you thought. It's crap, isn't it?

Thatspointless Tue 15-Jun-21 01:24:14

Ok I get that. It's not an event though tbf, literally just a coffee or something. An hour or so, between friends of a quarter of a century. I didn't think a few weeks notice was wildly unreasonable but I take your point

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Thatspointless Tue 15-Jun-21 01:25:37

@Pemba thank you, yeah it hurts!

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stackemhigh Tue 15-Jun-21 01:31:17

YANBU, OP, don’t suggest any more meet-ups and if she suggest it, and you want to see her, meet her half-way or ask her to come to you.

Sounds like you’ve been accommodating for so many years that she thinks she can drop you and pick you whenever she likes.

How have you left it with her?

Thatspointless Tue 15-Jun-21 01:38:12

@stackemhigh I just said let's leave it for now as I can't plan so far in advance (I'm about to start a new job I've been at uni training for and I have a brief window before the madness of NHS shifts kick in!). I love her, I'm not going to make a big fuss but I'm not going to be a pushover anymore either. Thank you for understanding!

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Thatspointless Tue 15-Jun-21 02:06:26

Ok I have just seen the vote (I didn't realise I had to vote myself to see the result). The majority say IABU, I will accept that. I'm just feeling a bit sore (and insomniac). Ugh.

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CandyLeBonBon Tue 15-Jun-21 02:19:52

Op you can't plan in advance, some people can't do right now. Covid has had more of an effect than you might realise. I'm sure your friend is t rejecting you, but that's your emotional reaction right now, because that's what YOU want.which is fine.

She doesn't want, for whatever reason. That's also fine.

Unless you have other reason to think so, it's not personal.

I'm sure it will be fine.

PurpleMonkeyDishwasher86 Tue 15-Jun-21 02:36:33

Try to set a date for the end of August like she's suggested. She'll either accept, in which case she's genuinely busy, or she won't and at least you know where you stand. I wouldn't give up on the friendship just yet.

groovergirl Tue 15-Jun-21 02:42:33

Another vote for YANBU here. I'd leave it, OP. You've made your willingness clear. Let her do the chasing now. It sounds like you have exciting things coming up with your new job. Good luck!

Pixysmoke Tue 15-Jun-21 02:54:24

YABU. Maybe she's booked up until the end of August already. Maybe she doesn't think your friendship is conditional on meeting at the drop of a hat.

IWantAllTheDogsInTheWorld Tue 15-Jun-21 03:02:44

I'm in a similar position, now being able to travel hundreds of miles back to my home town after what has felt like a very long lockdown time; it's lovely being able to see my elderly mum and my adult children and some of my old friends again. Post lockdown things just aren't the same though, beforehand my friends were willing to meet, now I think they've become more insular, possibly due to worry about COVID spread but more than likely their focus has changed.

If it was me I would visit my child(ren) as arranged and whilst there send your friend a quick message just to say something like "I'm here for X days, if you can squeeze in a quick coffee/drink/meal let me know, would be lovely to catch up". But then leave it at that. It's a quick no pressure reminder to your friend that you are in the area and if she does find a spare hour she can join you. Otherwise, try to make a firm date for sometime in the future when you are more settled in your new job but be prepared to accept that you may get dropped at the last minute. Unfortunately, when we decide to move away we no longer remain a priority and that's to be expected.

User52739 Tue 15-Jun-21 03:57:16

I just think it’s hard right now. Everyone wants to see each other, not everyone can be accommodated at short notice. If she keeps being evasive that’s one thing, but I think heartbreak is premature.

Aprilx Tue 15-Jun-21 04:22:55


Ok I get that. It's not an event though tbf, literally just a coffee or something. An hour or so, between friends of a quarter of a century. I didn't think a few weeks notice was wildly unreasonable but I take your point

You are going to travel 200 miles (or maybe 100 miles each) for a coffee? Maybe it would make more sense to organise a bit more of an event considering the distance.

Another perspective, there are some people that have got used to not socialising and have maybe even got a bit of anxiety about it. I know I have, I have barely been out since last March. I should add I am not covd anxious, definitely just anxious about socialising, and I wouldn’t like to have something sprung on me for the following week.

Happyhappyday Tue 15-Jun-21 04:48:22

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. My BBFs of 30+ years (met in reception) and I have pulled out all the stops to see each other, in whatever way we can. If one of them said that I would call her on that shit!!

HollyBollyBooBoo Tue 15-Jun-21 05:01:20

YABVVVU - people have plans! Especially those that can plan ahead which I appreciate you feel you can't.

I'm the same - I genuinely won't be adding any more social plans to our diary until Sept as I want to keep some balance that I've finally found in lockdown.

PurrBox Tue 15-Jun-21 05:02:50

That is so heartbreaking OP. I don't understand people who like their lives to be like that.

There are so many times in life that we have to accept that other people are just different from us, and like to do things differently. Then we have to decide if that is ok with us. Examples I have had to deal with lately include a best friend (talk to her almost daily) who stopped talking to me for 2 months for no reason I can understand, and a husband who lied and cheated for years, as well as more trivial things- a son who prefers not to swim on a swelteringly hot day spent near beautiful water, a daughter who refuses to eat lovely homemade food, etc.

I guess you have to accept that this is how your friend is. If you are truly good friends, it might be worth talking to her about how you feel.

awaketoosoon Tue 15-Jun-21 05:09:07

I think you are overreacting personally

jay55 Tue 15-Jun-21 05:14:11

I don't think you're over reacting. She's managed to make plans with lots of other people but not bothered to with you. You're not at the top of her list, the way she is on yours.

FierceBarrie Tue 15-Jun-21 05:21:01

It's not an event though tbf, literally just a coffee or something.

This jumped out at me.

There’s absolutely zero way she thinks you’re travelling 200 miles(?!) for a coffee!

If you’re going that far, she’s no doubt intending spending the best part of the weekend with you. She’s not just going to squeeze you in for a coffee.

I’m sure that the reason she’s not free until August is because that’s the next whole weekend she has to spend with you.

Any chance this ^^ is this case?

Callixte Tue 15-Jun-21 05:21:19

Are you sure she understood that you were talking about a quick meet-up? If someone offered to come see me from 200 miles away, I'd probably think they intended to spend the day together, or possibly even the whole weekend. I know you have other reasons for going and things to do there, but she may not have automatically thought of that, given that everyone's routine has been so disrupted. And likely she's not thinking about your having more free time now than after you start your new job, even if she knows the situation. (Saying "anytime, ASAP" and then suggesting late August seems careless/cold when it's just an hour, but makes much more sense if she thinks you're planning for a day/overnight trip.)

I agree with PPs - don't wait to make plans with your son and for whatever else you want to do in the city, and let her know you'll be in town if she has time to get together for an hour or so. But get a specific day and time; waiting around for her to fit you in (even though that's probably not how she thinks of it) will likely make you cross and interfere with enjoying your trip.

Scarzo Tue 15-Jun-21 05:23:15

Booking get togethers a couple of months in advance is normal in my friendship circle. We love each other and want to meet up, but we're all just busy.

I think you're over reacting a bit. She tried to offer a date, but now you're being non-commital because it doesn't fit with your plans 🤷. Maybe she'd like to spend more time with you than just a quick coffee?

Waxonwaxoff0 Tue 15-Jun-21 05:28:38

I'm booked up for most weekends until the beginning of September to be honest. This pandemic has taught me that life is bloody short and I'm not missing out on it any more! If you're making a special trip to her city she might want to be sure she's got enough spare time to see you without it being a rush?

awaketoosoon Tue 15-Jun-21 05:29:55

* She's managed to make plans with lots of other people but not bothered to with you. You're not at the top of her list, the way she is on yours.*

I thought the friend just said she was busy, how do we know she's got plans with other people?

I would rather spend a fair a bit of time with a close friend in a few months than a quick coffee in a few weeks.

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