Ex partners new girlfriend

(80 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Stepmumissues Mon 14-Jun-21 10:24:54

Name change for this as very very outing.

So not to drip feed, I split with my ex partner 12 years ago, we had 4 children together. We split when the youngest was 2. He was lazy, abusive and controlling, best decision I have ever made.
Ex never paid full CM as he could never afford it, apparently and would only ever see the children every 6 weeks for one night, this then went to every 3 months.
Since Dec 2019 he has only seen the youngest 2 for 4 hours, the eldest 2 washes their hands of him years ago.
Yesterday was his birthday and he had arranged to see the youngest 2 (twins) and take them out to a restaurant.
His new girlfriend was there, and made little digs throughout the meal to the twins about me, saving that your dad gives your mum maintenance money every month, and that I should not get any money as she didn't and I was a bitch for demanding the money, which is £200 less than he should be paying per month. That I took the family home off him, he was paid out back in 2011 and that I should be giving him half the equity from the house, which he left me in over 50k of debt that I did not know about.
New girlfriend then started calling me a c&nt and that when the twins grow up she will tell them the truth and that they should open their eyes and that I am evil. The twins then answered back saying that don't talk about my mum like that and left the restaurant asking for their dad to take them home.
Girlfriend follows the twins out and starts calling them names and threatens to punch their teeth in and call them rude little c£nts and ugly bitches. Telling them to grow up and flicks the bird at them.
Twins come home, where their dad has been crying in the car, saying that he will be homeless if he splits up with her and that they should not tell me anything about what happened. He is emotionally abusing the twins to get his own way.
I have no contact with him anymore as I received death threats off him and that I should watch my back, and he will be out to get me.
Do I contact him? Do I stop the very limited contact that he has with the twins who are old enough to arrange to see him.
Am I unreasonable to ban the girlfriend from seeing the twins.

OP’s posts: |
DeathStare Mon 14-Jun-21 10:27:07

Twins you say?

Spied Mon 14-Jun-21 10:27:37

Oh WOW.
No contact at all with the ex or the crazy woman.
There's no way.

LoopTheLoops Mon 14-Jun-21 10:29:12

Why do you still want him to have contact confused

stackemhigh Mon 14-Jun-21 10:30:26

Go to CMS for child maintenance.
No more contact for any of the kids with ex. Let him go to court (he won't).

SticksAndStoned Mon 14-Jun-21 10:31:18

So the twins are 14 or thereabouts?

Can't they talk for themselves, rather than you having to do it for them?

InnaBun Mon 14-Jun-21 10:33:15

Do they want to see him? If they don't want to see him around her then I'd let him know.

Advertisement

Stepmumissues Mon 14-Jun-21 10:34:06

LoopTheLoops

Why do you still want him to have contact confused

As they are desperate to have some sort of relationship with him, if it was up to me, I would have stopped contact when I received death threats from him.
As he has only seen them once since Dec 2019 I thought that he would not be bothered anymore.

OP’s posts: |
Stepmumissues Mon 14-Jun-21 10:35:40

SticksAndStoned

So the twins are 14 or thereabouts?

Can't they talk for themselves, rather than you having to do it for them?

They can talk for themselves but his emotional abuse about not saying anything to me, and that he will be homeless if he splits up with the GF.
I am asking if I should stop all contact as this is completely unhealthy.

OP’s posts: |
LoopTheLoops Mon 14-Jun-21 10:38:07

I would have stopped contact ages ago but then your children are at an age now where they can decide themselves I’m surprised they want to have contact with him

Overdueanamechange Mon 14-Jun-21 10:38:35

What the hell? Report to the police, she was abusive and threatening to your children!!

Bibidy Mon 14-Jun-21 10:39:31

Jesus, this is awful.

Tbh given he barely sees them as it is I wouldn't do anything right now as it might drive him to start trying to get more contact.

I'd leave it until he requests to see them again and then bring up what happened this time. The hard thing is there isn't really a way you can stop him having his girlfriend around them, although I'm sure your kids would refuse to see him if she's there after this.

His girlfriend was disgraceful to say all those things and he was just as bad letting her.

MrsBertBibby Mon 14-Jun-21 10:40:53

I would.

What an appalling pair of people.

If the kids want to see him, though, they should. Just ensure it is on their home turf, so if this nutter turns up, they can get themselves home without relying on their useless dad.

Poor kids.

SticksAndStoned Mon 14-Jun-21 10:41:38

I am asking if I should stop all contact as this is completely unhealthy

And I'm making they point that they are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to see their dad, and they are old enough to tell him that they want to see him on his own. If that's what they want.

You need to have a conversation with them about what they want, and support them to communicate that. They are old enough to decide for themselves.

Honeycombskl Mon 14-Jun-21 10:44:04

At 14 yes they are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to see him, but I think they are still young enough to require support with managing the situation given what his new GF is saying to him. I understand if you've had death threats that you would not want to have direct contact with him to discuss this but is there anyone who could act as a mediator to support them all in addressing it? Do you get on with any of his family members, or he yours, well enough for them to act in that role? Someone that can discuss with him that he can't be putting his children in that position with his new GF, and talking to them about how they want to move forward with contact/their relationship?

Honeycombskl Mon 14-Jun-21 10:45:56

Just saw your last post. I rarely think that stopping contact is a good thing (I support children with emotional needs and often see the fallout of this happening) but I think in this case stopping contact would absolutely be justified and protecting your children.

InnaBun Mon 14-Jun-21 10:46:17

I am asking if I should stop all contact as this is completely unhealthy.

At 14 they are old enough to have a say in it. If they want to see their dad without her then that's their decision. You should explain to them that it is not OK for their dad to have told them not to tell you.

Stepmumissues Mon 14-Jun-21 10:46:48

SticksAndStoned

*I am asking if I should stop all contact as this is completely unhealthy*

And I'm making they point that they are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to see their dad, and they are old enough to tell him that they want to see him on his own. If that's what they want.

You need to have a conversation with them about what they want, and support them to communicate that. They are old enough to decide for themselves.

As I said they are desperate to be loved by him as they feel he does not care or love them as most of the time he can't be bothered, there is a whole load more crap that he has done, and how he does not make them a priority.

OP’s posts: |
LoopTheLoops Mon 14-Jun-21 10:47:16

Surely they can contact dad themselves at this age they must have their own phones so not really sure you can “stop” contact anyway

InnaBun Mon 14-Jun-21 10:47:57

If it comes from you stopping them I feel they might take it worse than if you discuss it and let them know his behaviour is not OK and suggest meetings you might feel better about? Eg. A meal out in public without his new partner there.

SticksAndStoned Mon 14-Jun-21 10:52:49

The answer isn't for you to unilaterally decide to stop contact though. That's not in anyone's best interest, least of all yours

Yes, it's hard on your twins. But they need to have someone in their corner, supporting them in their decisions, rather than making the decisions for them. If you tell them they can't see him, that makes you the bad guy. You really don't need that. And they need to come to terms with who their father is by seeing it for themselves. Otherwise the resentment they could develop for you could ruin your relationship.

I'm talking as the mother of a waste of space ex. My children are now adults, and I am very close with them. They have seen their dad for who he is, and they rarely communicate with him.

Tlollj Mon 14-Jun-21 10:53:02

Well if he was any sort of dad he would have told her to fuck right off, but he isn’t so it’s up to you. Support your DC to not see him again if that’s what they want. And it’s certainly not unreasonable to say no to seeing the charmer he’s shacked up with.
I’d seriously consider calling the police and reporting her tbh. But that might make things worse for your DC.
That’s the ‘nice’ answer. If anyone spoke to mine like that I’d punch their fucking teeth in.

Lagomtransplant Mon 14-Jun-21 10:55:50

Isn't it obvious? He's pulling the wool across your eyes about his girlfriend, pulling the wool across his girlfriend's eyes about you (not that it justifes her behaviour in any way, but she has likely been sold porkies) and then feeling all woe-is-me when the chicken come home to roost.

Your eldest two have, rightly, seen through him and it is time your twins follow suit. Forget about CM, it's not worth the anguish. If you push for it, he'll come under more pressure from his girlfriend regarding all the lies he spun and be all the more likely to behave like a dangerous wounded animal.

Time for you and your dc to put self care first.

HoneyzAiy Mon 14-Jun-21 10:57:59

DeathStare

Twins you say?

Indeed!

Bibidy Mon 14-Jun-21 11:05:45

SticksAndStoned

The answer isn't for you to unilaterally decide to stop contact though. That's not in anyone's best interest, least of all yours

Yes, it's hard on your twins. But they need to have someone in their corner, supporting them in their decisions, rather than making the decisions for them. If you tell them they can't see him, that makes you the bad guy. You really don't need that. And they need to come to terms with who their father is by seeing it for themselves. Otherwise the resentment they could develop for you could ruin your relationship.

I'm talking as the mother of a waste of space ex. My children are now adults, and I am very close with them. They have seen their dad for who he is, and they rarely communicate with him.

Yes I agree with this.

At 14, your twins are bound to see you as the bad guy if you decide to stop contact. Their dad will tell them it was you, and it's easier for them to believe it was you than to face the fact that he's an arsehole.

I would just support them and when he next gets in touch to see them, let him know that they were very upset by what was said to them on the last visit and that it better not happen again.

The reality is there isn't much you can do at their ages except to be there to support them.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in