Refund for a date?

(78 Posts)
sweettooth89 Sun 13-Jun-21 22:47:33

Sorry it's a bit of a long post. So, I was dating someone for about 4 weeks. Started off nice, quite liked him. He doesn't drive, which I was put off with at first but then I met him and I wasn't that bothered. Went on a some dates, drinks and a meal etc. After a couple of dates I stayed at his place and we had a few drinks. He told me he had something to tell me, I thought "here we go!". I have a history of bad dates 🤣. Anyway he had previously told me he was a builder, he then told me he had lied about this and he is actually unemployed and lives on benefits due to his OCD and anxiety disorder. He then went on to show me his online bank balance (not requested by me) to prove that he's not some bum with no money (his words). He had more money in there than I make in a year! He has everything paid for for him, rent, living expenses etc. Anyway, I forgave him for lying as I understood he was embarrassed about his disorder. Over the next couple of weeks I started to notice how "tight" he was with his money, we would go shopping and he would ONLY buy things that are reduced. Each to their own, I like a bargain but he took this to a whole other level. If he was paying for a takeaway for example, he would search and search for the cheapest option. Whereas if I was paying, he would suggest more expensive options. I asked if he would ever consider going back to work as to me, he seemed like he could work, as his OCD is under control. He said he could, but he's better off being on benefits so it doesn't make sense to go back to work. This was a massive deal breaker for me, I found it really unattractive. The next day we had booked to go out on the broads on a boat. It was £20, he paid. We went, had a nice day. But after that date I just wasn't feeling things with him anymore, the more I got to know him the more I was put off with his ways. I was honest about it and told him and I apologised for wasting his time. We parted ways and that was that. The next day he text me and asked me if I could transfer him £10 for my half of the boat trip!! Also sent me his bank details to do so. I was gobsmacked. For 4 or so weeks I was driving back and forth to his which was a 30 min drive one way, I drove us everywhere we went. I paid for things for us both that he deemed "too expensive". I never in a million years ask for money back for petrol etc, so to me this seemed quite pathetic. I was fuming that he even had the cheek to ask me for a tenner 😂. Especially as I work full time for my money while he gets more than I do a month just for sitting on his backside. When I said no, he told me to choke on it. Which I laughed at as to me it's so ridiculous. AIBU for not giving him a tenner?

OP’s posts: |
RagzReturnsRebooted Sun 13-Jun-21 22:50:40

What a prize, well done on getting out of that one!

RagzReturnsRebooted Sun 13-Jun-21 22:51:03

Oh and no, YANBU, obviously.

MeadowLines Sun 13-Jun-21 22:51:27

Id make a list of all the petrol and car costs you've had by driving out to meet him and send it to him - Im sure it came to one heck of a lot more than a tenner! I'll pay yours if you pay mine! No wonder he's loaded, he's a tight arse!

sweettooth89 Sun 13-Jun-21 22:53:12

@MeadowLines my thoughts exactly! I actually said this to him but I blocked him after that. Wish I hadn't as I would have loved to have seen his response 😂

OP’s posts: |
sweettooth89 Sun 13-Jun-21 22:54:46

Also this was before COVID. Posting it now after it came up in conversation with a friend who said she would have paid the £10! So was just curious on people's thoughts

OP’s posts: |
Rosewood017 Sun 13-Jun-21 22:58:51

I'm so glad you didn't give him a tenner! Is £10 the price on his dignity?


lotstolose1 Sun 13-Jun-21 23:00:17

Wow 😳

YANBU - I probably would have got £10.00 in pennies and put it on his doorstep though

lotstolose1 Sun 13-Jun-21 23:00:54

I'd probably also report him for fucking scrounging off the system

MegaBeach Sun 13-Jun-21 23:18:03

Not sure LotsToLose, he doesn’t sound mentally well, based on his behaviour here. That’s not how most people would have handled things. Plus, getting disability payments on mental health grounds is really difficult … he must have had substantial documentation

belhaven Sun 13-Jun-21 23:19:19

OK so he is fraudulently claiming benefits

katy1213 Sun 13-Jun-21 23:22:54

Tell him that you feel you've contributed quite enough to his lifestyle through your taxes.

Birminghambloke Sun 13-Jun-21 23:25:16

Lucky escape. I’d pay the tenner to be fully rid. Like PP, stop it off it pennies through the letter box (no bag!).

sweettooth89 Sun 13-Jun-21 23:28:42


Not sure LotsToLose, he doesn’t sound mentally well, based on his behaviour here. That’s not how most people would have handled things. Plus, getting disability payments on mental health grounds is really difficult … he must have had substantial documentation

He 100% had OCD, I witnessed it and it was quite severe. But he admitted to me that although he couldn't ever go back to being a builder he could do other jobs. He just chooses not to as he gets more money this way. He also goes out drinking most weekends and goes on 2 holidays a year. He could easily work.

OP’s posts: |
Nofruitta Sun 13-Jun-21 23:30:05

Tell him your taxes pays him to sit on arse. Take 10 from the next round of benefits.

IAmAWomanNotACis Sun 13-Jun-21 23:30:51


OK so he is fraudulently claiming benefits

This is a good point, both in terms of his wellness and probably how much he has saved. I'd be tempted to make an anonymous phone call, but then I cannot stand (real) benefit fraud.

partyatthepalace Sun 13-Jun-21 23:34:37

No you aren’t. I hope you pointed out re petrol when you said no. And pointing out that opting not to work is not attractive.

lotstolose1 Sun 13-Jun-21 23:35:37


Not sure LotsToLose, he doesn’t sound mentally well, based on his behaviour here. That’s not how most people would have handled things. Plus, getting disability payments on mental health grounds is really difficult … he must have had substantial documentation

I'm just going off the fact that he pretty much said to her that he could work if he wanted too and he gets enough money sitting on his arse 😬

MegaBeach Sun 13-Jun-21 23:38:21

Whatever the explanation, the OP is well rid! 😀

lotstolose1 Sun 13-Jun-21 23:39:26

Also @MegaBeach it's not that difficult when these people know what they're doing.

I know of someone (not a friend, just know of) that conveniently has another 'failed suicide attempt' leading to a couple weeks in a MH unit, everytime his PIP assesment is closing in. In between all this, manages just fine and gets more money than the average working person...

lotstolose1 Sun 13-Jun-21 23:39:50

@MegaBeach yes definitely well rid! grin

Tavelo Sun 13-Jun-21 23:45:35

Is his OCD related to money at all?

Obviously you shouldn't pay it back, not least after he told you to choke on it. He sounds dreadful, just forget about him.

thefirstmrsrochester Sun 13-Jun-21 23:53:47

Benefits are based on minimum income needed to get by, he’s been able to stash away the equivalent of an average UK annual salary.......even by top notch thriftiness, it doesn’t sound right. I’d shop him because I despise benefit fraud, and I fucking wouldn’t refund him the tenner he’s asking for.

TulisaIsBrill Sun 13-Jun-21 23:54:48

I he’s got over 16k in the bank, then he can’t be claiming universal credit.

I presume he qualifies for higher rate pip, plus some other things, which aren’t means tested.

Good on him for that - I’m all for the ‘lie flat’ movement spreading.

But the tenner? f**k right off, that was outrageous to ask for.

Ponoka7 Sun 13-Jun-21 23:55:05

Saying that he could work if he wanted to could be him downplaying his MH conditions.

If he's on the highest rate of PIP etc, he might not 'get everything paid for'. I'm on PIP and ESA, before I inherited a house, I had to top up my rent and pay towards my Council tax. I know many others who do as well.

How bad was the OCD example you'd seen? Enough to get him sacked from a job? Realistically what sort of CV would he have and what work would he cope with long term? You haven't seen him in a situation were he has to follow rules and keep to time schedules etc.

As for paying back the £10, because you'd covered other expenses, then you shouldn't have paid it back.

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