Aibu to ask you how to make friends at 40?

[Pl242]

Not really an AIBU I know, but posting here for traffic.

DH and I were reflecting that we’ve failed to make close friendships in the past 5 years or so since moving area and then having children.

It’s worth noting that we moved twice in that time. Not far away the second time but enough that it’s a different area/school catchment etc. Both areas in outer London. And obviously the last year hasn’t been great for socialising anyway.

We intentionally moved to a new area for both of us as otherwise we’d have to pick an opposite side of London to the one one of us was from. So we are not geographically very close to older friends, though we do see them, just not that regularly.

Children’s nurseries and the eldest’s school haven’t really opened up more than friendly acquaintances to us so far, though this may change. But I want my kids to make their own friends primarily, rather than leant into friendships with children of the parents we may get on with, if that makes sense.

We meet some people through our respective hobbies - his is a sport, mine a choir. But here and elsewhere it never goes beyond a certain level if you know what I mean? Friendly WhatsApp, the odd group lunch etc. But not enough 1:1 time to generate a proper friendship.

In an ideal world we’d love to have a few couples we get on with locally, ideally with kids similar age to us, for easy socialising. Ie not driving across a city to meet.

Any tips to how to go about this? I have made an effort with people who I’ve met who I’ve felt i could be friends with but with a couple of exceptions, they haven’t really developed and I don’t want to force things. Either I wasn’t for them or it’s just a lack of time re family, work, existing friendships etc which I understand.

I realise that some of this will be about timing and luck and it may just take patience, but I wonder if the situation says something a bit about us. DH can be shy with people initially and I think I might suffer from over independence. I get on and make my own plans and stuff with family and perhaps don’t leave enough space to develop friendships and be more open to last minute plans perhaps.

But on the other hand we’re quite happy living our lives like this and don’t feel actively lonely or friendless. And I know I’d find it frustrating to spend a lot of time on finding friends and then it not come to much for one reason or another.

Anyway I’d be very interested on any views from people who’ve experienced similar and how things panned out.

Thanks for reading.

[MatildaTheCat]

We got a dog and over time bumped into the same people, got chatting, started strolling along together and eventually we were planning to walk, coffee became a regular thing and then dinners and so on. Dog walkers are usually a friendly bunch.

Otherwise I’d suggest exercise classes, walking groups and so on but taking it slowly as it all takes time.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

No real advice. DH has joined a number if choirs and found almost everyone nice but some choirs are more sociable than others.

[LuvMyBubbles]

I think you are over thinking it and in a nice way trying to hard. Friendships will develop naturally and once school and sports start again it might be easier.

[Pl242]

Yes. Possibly overthinking it at the moment as DH and I just had a chat about it the other day and it’s been hanging about in my mind the past few days. But I’ve not (I hope) been obsessing over it or running up to people trying desperately to be friends with them!

It’s been a strange old year so things may change on this front as the world (hopefully) reopens and gets back to normal. It just struck me that proper friendships hadn’t really developed for us naturally for whatever reason in the last few years and was curious on views as to whether this was common/unusual/just bad luck etc.