My Pregnancy, My Wine and DH.

[ThymeCrisis]

I’ve namechanged for this but I’ve been around a long time.

Last night DH and I went out for dinner. I’m 6 months pregnant. It was a lovely local Italian place and he ordered a Peroni, I ordered a glass of Prosecco. It was fairly late because he’d watched the first half of the football in the pub after work first, and I’d joined him later, so he’d already had a fair few pints beforehand.

For context, I have been having the odd (125ml) glass of wine or champagne or Prosecco approx once a week (occasionally twice, but I wouldn’t have two drinks on the same night) since I was 16 weeks or so. I felt too ropey before that to contemplate it. Always have the drink with food, always sip very slowly. I was big into wine before I got pregnant and after doing a lot of research (I do have the Emily Oster book but I read lots more research and have come to the conclusion that it’s a negligible ‘risk’ on such a small scale and felt comfortable with my decision. We are talking 1.5 units here.

DH was a bit quiet after I ordered the Prosecco. We had a nice meal and walked home, he then made himself a gin and tonic, and I had a fake version with an M&S seedlip rip off. I asked him if he was ok and why he’d been a bit off. He then said he had ‘come to terms’ with me having the odd drink at home but he’d felt really uncomfortable with me ordering anything alcoholic out in public, because I was visibly pregnant, and he was really worried about what other people in the restaurant were thinking.

I didn’t notice any judgement, and never have, but frankly I wouldn’t care if there was. He also reminded me of the time we had some family round and I had a glass of champagne, and said he’d felt unhappy about it then too.

The reasons he is giving are that he knows of no one who drank in pregnancy (bar our own mothers who drank according to the guidelines in the mid 80’s at the time) and he thinks a big reason I do it is to ‘challenge’ the patriarchy and to go against the rules, not because I truly fancy a glass of wine. This is bullshit but I have ranted before about pregnant woman being infantilised and deemed not capable of critical thought. We don’t really actually know many other friends that have gone through pregnancy either, but he maintains they would have cut out all alcohol. Yes I know what the NHS guidelines say but I’m of the opinion that they say ‘none at all’ because it’s safer than ‘trusting’ women to not underestimate the units in a glass of wine etc or use it as an excuse to binge. Which I would absolutely never do. I know what a unit is.

For what it’s worth I’ve cut down, but not eliminated, caffeine, and I eat soft cheese and Parma ham too, and I have my steak rare or medium-rare.

He is now saying that the drinking is not something he’s comfortable with anymore and just because I have a book that says it’s fine I just have no way to know if we’ve put our unborn son at risk or not, and if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop. He can’t handle me ordering a drink in public anymore as it just makes him feel too uncomfortable- it didn’t so much when I didn’t have a bump but he hates the fact that ‘people are judging and looking at us’ now that I do.

I fully expect to get some replies about how he’s right and I am being reckless with my pregnancy, and that it’s only 9 months and why can’t I just cut it out all together, and the answer is, I had weighed up or thought I’d weighed up, whether I truly I had to, and considered myself to be in very safe limits. I like the taste of good wine and the foods it goes with. Yes I’ve tried alcohol free wine and it’s rank, I’d be more likely to cut everything out than drink pretend versions.

So I’ve just woke up this morning upset that he’s had all these thoughts about me causing harm to our baby (for what it’s worth I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy, and I know that was not down to alcohol as I hadn’t drunk at all as I lost it in the first trimester, so it didn’t affect my decision to have the odd drink in this pregnancy) and also that he’s inflicting other peoples judgments on me and just generally making me feel really bad. He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

So hit me with it- am I being unreasonable?

[gobbynorthernbird]

He's about to be a parent, he needs to get used to being judged.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in having the occasional glass of wine.

[JewelGarden]

YANBU to have the odd glass of wine and so on. But I think it's probably right to take on board what your partner feels comfortable with too. I'd probably insist that if you're going along with what he wants and not drinking, then he can't drink when you're out either. But then I'm spiteful like that.

[ineedaholidayandwine]

Not unreasonable have the odd small wine, re eating out then if he isn't comfortable you having a drink then he doesn't drink either in support.

[honeylulu]

He is too worried about what people think! It's bullshit that he's worried about the baby as he admits he didn't mind when you didn't have a bump.

It sounds like your assessment is very sensible. I was similar during my pregnancies.

[Somethingsnappy]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would not enjoy my husband trying to police my decisions, although a respectful discussion with both voicing opinions would be acceptable to me. It doesn't sound like that is what happened though. Whether posters agree with any alcohol during pregnancy or not, this is more about his attitude, which I would not like at all.

On the alcohol front, one glass a week after the first trimester would not be a problem in my opinion. There have been interesting and healthy debates about this topic on mumsnet before. Its always quite divided.

[StripeyDeckchair]

YNBU
If you give up then I think he should too in support. Not drinking when others are is crap.

[DaphneMoonsSeattle]

I personally couldn't take the risks you're taking. I can see your DHs point, although I don't mean he is 'right' and you are 'wrong'.

I wouldn't judge you for having a glass of Prosecco in a restaurant but I wouldn't choose to do so myself.

[AlternativePerspective]

TBH I don’t think that either of you is unreasonable.

You feel for yourself that having a glass is ok, and that’s a risk you’ve weighed up for yourself, just as others might eat soft cheese or seafood or whatever.

By the same token he doesn’t feel that consuming any kind of alcohol is acceptable, and that is based on his own feelings around what could happen during pregnancy.

And tbh in a way he’s right. You don’t know whether a small amount of alcohol could have an impact on the baby, but TBH having children is always about taking risks, and you will encounter these what-if scenarios throughout your baby’s childhood, and it will then be up to you to assess whether or not they are risks which are so small they’re worth taking or not.

It might be worth sitting down with your DH and talking about how you both feel, not just about the alcohol, but about other issues going forward, e.g. some parents feel that a baby can sleep in their own room from fairly early on, but others feel that it is increasing the risk of SIDS to do so. Many, many babies sleep in their own rooms from day1 or much earlier than 6 months and never come to any harm, yet some do and may die of SIDS, but in truth it can never be known whether that would have been preventable by having the baby sleep in with the parents, it’s just a potential factor.

Everything needs to be looked at according to how you both feel, apart from obvious issues which could be damaging to children such as no car seats etc.

Life is full of risks, you take risks every time you cross the road, yet we all do it.

So it’s about you finding a middle ground you’re both comfortable with. There may be things he might do which you wouldn’t feel comfortable with as well, so talking these through will hopefully give you both some clarity.

[ThymeCrisis]

I just feel he’s taken away any small joy I had in a nice small glass of something at the end of a long working week- obviously something he’s still free to enjoy. It’s completely taken away any pleasure I had in it.

[Somethingsnappy]

P. S. I also agree with a PP...its not worry about the baby driving him, it's worry about being judged. Also agree with others.... If you decide not to drink whilst put, he doesn't either! I wonder if he'll change his mind

[GroggyLegs]

if he was pregnant he wouldn’t touch a drop

what a stupid thing to say.

[MrsBongiovi]

I don’t think you should drink when pregnant.

But your husband is more bothered about what people think, rather than the actual drinking, which would bother me.

[TheGlitterFairy]

Seems reasonable to me and I say that as someone who is 8 months pg and has also had an odd small glass here and there over the last couple of months - at home and when out for lunch. It’s a personal decision to make. I can’t imagine anyone who was in a restaurant judging you. I know I haven’t when I’ve been out pre pregnancy and seen ladies enjoy a wine or beer.

[Mellonsprite]

It’s a tricky one, Unfortunately I do think you will be judged by others for drinking when pregnant and from your very detailed explanation you’ve obviously put a lot of thought and justification into this is ok.
Whilst that may be a good thing, it’s a bit of a red flag to me that it’s too much Thought and research.
So what are your choices? Carry on as you are, and be upset, feel judged and your DH be upset with you for the sake of 1 glass per week? Stop altogether and be pissed off that you’ve been forced to stop? Agree to stop but DH also stops drinking in support of you?

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I’d not be worried about the judgement of others.

I would worry and not be happy if our sexes were reversed and my spouse drank when pregnant as whilst their body it’s not just their baby and the decision to risk alcohol should be a joint one imo.

[ChangePart1]

Ah.

I was on your side until I saw that it’s not just the idea of being judged by others that bothers him, he’s actually admit it’s the drinking full stop that he isn’t happy about.

FWIW I agree with you on the fact that drinking at the level you’re doing is fine, I too read Oster during pregnancy and found it extremely enlightening (and I too dug further into research). I chose to be teetotal from TTC until six months PP because that was what I felt comfortable with but completely support women who choose otherwise and drink small amounts in line with the evidence.

But where I’m struggling here is the fact that although you’re carrying the baby, the baby is half your husband’s too so I think it’s unreasonable to drink if he isn’t happy with it. Fully expect to be flamed and I recognise not everyone will agree with me on that, but personally I just couldn’t do something during pregnancy if my husband was worried about it affecting the baby. I would think his concern and lack of control or say in what happens to his unborn child would outweigh my need to have a drink. I’d rather he feel okay about it than drink.

You can’t blame him for feeling that way, the overwhelming advice when pregnant is not to drink or to drink very moderately and rarely and he’s seen you drink on a weekly basis throughout the pregnancy. I don’t actually blame him for going by that advice as unless he’s read the research himself it makes sense he trusts the NHS over what you’re saying you read in a book he hasn’t read.

I would chalk this up to him really caring for his unborn child and thinking that their wellbeing is more important than you drinking and stop drinking for the remainder of the pregnancy. Not saying that’s what you should do, but that’s what I’d do.

At four months pregnant DH and I went to a gig and he was worried about the loudness impacting the baby’s developing hearing even though we were sat really far back and wanted me to sit with a coat rolled up over my bump for the duration! I didn’t think it was necessary but did it anyway as his care for his DC outweighed my desire to sit without it on me. You’re not unreasonable to want to drink but he’s not unreasonable not to want you to imo so I think you have to decide if this is a hill you want to die on.

[GreenBinLid]

Hmm. I can see both sides.

I would never drink or smoke in pregnancy and I would be be embarrassed if my pregnant partner did so.

But at the same time it is your body and there's nothing he can really do if you are adamant on it.

[timeisnotaline]

I would go the if you don’t drink when out, he doesn’t drink approach. I’m with you generally on the very light drinking in pregnancy, have with family and friends and have out in restaurants. If my dh said he didn’t want me to I’d say he could go home then, but that’s my marriage

[ChangePart1]

@ThymeCrisis

I just feel he’s taken away any small joy I had in a nice small glass of something at the end of a long working week- obviously something he’s still free to enjoy. It’s completely taken away any pleasure I had in it.

Unfortunately that’s part of pregnancy though.

DH offered to stop drinking alcohol during my pregnancy so it was ‘fair’ bless him, I told him not to be daft as I was happy not to drink and saw no reason for him to do the same for the sake of it. As you’re thinking it’s unfair that he gets to drink and you don’t and he’s unhappy with you drinking maybe both stopping drinking could be a solution that works for you both.

[EducatingArti]

Can you not find another thing that would be a nice small joy at the end of a working week and do that instead until after your son is born?

[NoSquirrels]

Seems like he hasn’t given up alcohol, huh? Hasn’t apparently crossed his mind?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. I was a bit more on the fence about giving measured advice on how you could perhaps help him to deal with his feelings of being judged until you said this:

He’s said that if the child has behavioural difficulties down the line then he can’t rule out that it could be down to drinking.

And now I think he’s an absolute test.

Sorry. But I’d be properly raging at him. If he feels so strongly about it he should have been discussing with you rational arguments and supporting the whole alcohol-free-for-9-months with his actions too.

He’s gone about this discussion shockingly badly, using other people’s discomfort/judgement as a reason rather than his own convictions. And the idea that you’re smashing the patriarchy with a glass of Prosecco when pregnant and that’s why you ordered it is such bullshit.

Good job I’m not the one with the pregnancy hormones because I’m mad at your husband from here!

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds like he’s more bothered about random people’s opinion than yours

[VettiyaIruken]

So he isn't bothered about the (non existent) harm to the baby, he just doesn't want strangers to possibly have thoughts and opinions that won't affect you in any way?

🙄 If it was fear for the baby I'd at least have some sympathy and suggest he does some reading.

[NoSquirrels]

And now I think he’s an absolute test.

TWAT. I think he’s an absolute twat. For clarity.

[MyCatDribbles]

Dunno I’m kind of on the fence here.
I’m 11 weeks and I don’t drink at all during pregnancy because I know it makes dp uncomfortable, and it’s his baby too. If it wasn’t for him I might have the odd one here and there (like once a month).