Not invite DGM to the wedding? Wwyd?

(99 Posts)
Movingstressangst Sat 12-Jun-21 09:44:17

My DM doesn't have a good relationship with her Mum. I get on well with both. My DM doesn't want me to invite my DGM to my wedding, because my DGM has a tendency to get tipsy at parties (often falling over, because she's not steady on her feet at the best of times!) My DM is afraid that she won't be able to relax and enjoy the day if my DGM is there (quite possibly true), because her role will become looking after her Mum, who also won't really know anyone else there.

I'm really torn about what is best. If I don't invite my DGM, then I can't see how I could invite my other Nan, or my aunt, who I would also really like to be there. They all live quite far away. My DP's view is that we should invite who we want, and that we're not responsible for other's behaviour from that point. We'd pay for a taxi for all 3 of the long distance family members (one of my DM's objections to the invite was having to arrange my DGM's travel), but otherwise it's up to both my DM and DGM how they behave.

Yabu - if it will spoil your DM's day, there's no way you should invite her.
Yanbu - invite whoever you want to your wedding.

Any advice much appreciated!

OP’s posts: |
mrsmalcolmreynolds Sat 12-Jun-21 09:49:58

I think it's unfair of your DM to have put you in this position and your STBDH is spot on.

Melitza Sat 12-Jun-21 09:54:13

I think it would be mean not to invite your dgm.
My dm tried to dictate about a guest at my dd's wedding. She got short shrift from me.
Decide who you want, don't let politics get in the way.

Ughmaybenot Sat 12-Jun-21 09:54:38

Invite who you want, it’s up to your mum if she ends up feeling beholden to look after her mother really. Sounds a bit harsh I know but no one is asking your mum to look after or keep an eye on her mum.
You have no reason not invite your grandmother, you say yourself that you get on well.

Divebar2021 Sat 12-Jun-21 09:55:50

This is a very simple problem to solve. You ask your DGM and ask a trusted friend to keep an eye out and intercept any issues that might crop up.

Eskarina1 Sat 12-Jun-21 09:57:06

What would happen with your dgm if your mum wasn't there? Would she need a carer? Can you invite someone else (numbers permitting) who will enjoy dgm company?

hulahooper2 Sat 12-Jun-21 09:58:34

Can you assign another relative or friend to look after dgm on the day , so both you and your mum can enjoy the day. Your mum only has this day once and doesn’t want Carers responsibilities too

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Thehop Sat 12-Jun-21 10:00:09

Your wedding, your choice

InnaBun Sat 12-Jun-21 10:00:10

Is there someone else who can look after DGM on the day?

Movingstressangst Sat 12-Jun-21 10:01:10

Interesting, thank you! A lot less divided than I expected. Really good idea about giving someone else DGM-sitting responsibilities.

OP’s posts: |
TeenMinusTests Sat 12-Jun-21 10:01:44

Invite your DGM but delegate 2 or 3 other guests to look after her.
If she falls over and gets injured it will put a whole dampener on your day for you. It is your responsibility as the host to ensure your guests are looked after, that includes both your DM and your DGM.

TeenMinusTests Sat 12-Jun-21 10:02:26

x-post. too slow thinking & typing.

happinessischocolate Sat 12-Jun-21 10:04:19

Movingstressangst

Interesting, thank you! A lot less divided than I expected. Really good idea about giving someone else DGM-sitting responsibilities.


And just order her a taxi as soon as they think she's getting too tipsy.

Movingstressangst Sat 12-Jun-21 10:09:04

I think I was stuck on the fact that there isn't an obvious choice for an alternative person to keep an eye on her, because as I say, she doesn't know anyone else there other than my immediate family. But I think you're making good points that there's no reason it couldn't be a bit of a joint effort between a couple of friends and DP's family.

OP’s posts: |
SleepyPartyTime Sat 12-Jun-21 10:10:38

It's your day not your mum's. Invite the people you'd like to be there.

Allllchange Sat 12-Jun-21 10:13:08

As an alternative can you ask her to bring a friend who can look after her? Although obviously numbers are tight and would mean losing another guest you may really want

Ponoka7 Sat 12-Jun-21 10:13:15

Would your relationship with both your GDM's and Aunt ever recover if you didn't invite them?

For the most important bit, the ceremony, there won't be any looking after needed. It's just as the night goes on. I think your Mum will just have to accept the situation.

Lollypop701 Sat 12-Jun-21 10:17:21

Is your dm the only child of dgm? You mention an aunt?

Movingstressangst Sat 12-Jun-21 10:19:46

Ponoka7

Would your relationship with both your GDM's and Aunt ever recover if you didn't invite them?

For the most important bit, the ceremony, there won't be any looking after needed. It's just as the night goes on. I think your Mum will just have to accept the situation.

That's what I think. Both DGM's are quite elderly and might turn out to not even want to travel (in which case I've wasted all our time worrying about this!) But to not invite close family members to your wedding feels like it could really ruin a relationship... I think they would be hurt by it, even if I framed it as "well, I thought it would be too far away for you".

OP’s posts: |
Movingstressangst Sat 12-Jun-21 10:21:10

Lollypop701

Is your dm the only child of dgm? You mention an aunt?

Yes, DM is the only child of DGM. The aunt is on my Dad's side.

OP’s posts: |
Howshouldibehave Sat 12-Jun-21 10:21:18

because her role will become looking after her Mum

Is she correct in thinking this?

MaloInAnAppleTree Sat 12-Jun-21 10:23:16

Whatever you do about DGM you really must invite your other nan and your aunt. It would be terrible to cut out relatives whom you love and who have done nothing wrong because of a dispute between two other people.

SingingInTheShithouse Sat 12-Jun-21 10:24:27

YANBU & your STBDH is spot on, your DM is bang out of order for putting you in this position

sparepantsandtoothbrush Sat 12-Jun-21 10:25:47

What does she drink? Is there a non alcoholic version that can be bought for her without her knowledge after the first one or two? Ok maybe not ethically sound but it's a solution to your problem!

MiddleClassProblem Sat 12-Jun-21 10:26:59

Do you have any siblings that can help out?

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