To wonder how many divorces cycling is a factor in?

(198 Posts)
Sugarcoatedalmond Fri 11-Jun-21 15:12:37

I cycle myself, as does DP. We both do other sports / clubs too & each have approximately one evening per week plus a few hours at a weekend to ourselves. We’ve both cut back on our “hobby” time since having kids though. So just to be clear I have nothing whatsoever against cyclists.

However, so many of the cycling blokes we know are regularly doing all day rides (think 100 miles plus, plus coffee/lunch breaks). They do this most weekends, plus weekday rides sometimes too.

DP asked how the ones with young kids get away with it.

I responded that I bet there’s some pretty unhappy wives/partners behind the scenes and the blokes shouldn’t be too cocksure of themselves as there’s regularly women posting on here about obsessive cycling partners & being told to LTB.

With cycling having a massive spike in popularity at the moment, AIBU to wonder how many break ups it contributes to?

OP’s posts: |
Lanique Fri 11-Jun-21 15:15:22

I'm a cycling widow. Dh cycles a lot more now than he did when the dcs were little because he knew it was unfair back then. Now I'm quite happy to have him out the house on a Sunday 😊

Heavymetaldetector Fri 11-Jun-21 15:20:22

Lol, I also genuinely wonder about this too 🤔

Proven Fri 11-Jun-21 15:22:37

I think it's probably fair to say that a lot of men prefer cycling to spending time with their families, yes.

osbertthesyrianhamster Fri 11-Jun-21 15:23:58

I wonder, too.

NDSandG Fri 11-Jun-21 15:24:15

My DH goes out for up to half the day on a Sunday and I'm not that happy about it as it generally means we can't do anything as a family until about 2pmish after he arrives home, makes a protein smoothy, spends an hour looking at strava, another hour on loo followed by shower.....
Also turbos most nights in garage. Regardless don't think it would result in divorce. It helps to keep him healthy and I'd rather he cycles that propping up the bar somewhere.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Fri 11-Jun-21 15:29:18

Yanbu. Its up there with golf.

My personal experience is that men more so than women seem to have this idea that after they have kids they can continue to spend long weekend days on a hobby that their children aren't old enough to join. The divorces kick in when those same people also refuse to take sole charge of the children to enable their partner to have childfree time for hobbies too.

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Helocariad Fri 11-Jun-21 15:31:32

Several of my friends and colleagues are into cycling. 1 set cycle as a couple- no issues there afaik. 1 bloke got into cycling as a midlife crisis 'thing'. Cue 12 months down the line and he's now left his wife for another woman he met at the cycling club. The husband of one of my best friends took up cycling when their DC were little. She resented it as he was obsessive and she felt he was using his newfound hobby to dodge the drudge work at home. So I don't know- different stories, different reasons, different outcomes. But yeah, I agree it's the kind of hobby that can easily serve as an excuse to escape spending time with the family.

Sugarcoatedalmond Fri 11-Jun-21 15:31:36

@NDSandG you see, I don’t think 1/2 day is unreasonable as long as he is engaged with family life the rest of the time, and you get a break too

OP’s posts: |
VladmirsPoutine Fri 11-Jun-21 15:33:49

Thing is I think it just contributes to a wider pattern of basically being an 'absent' father or parent. So it wasn't necessarily the cycling that eventually killed the marriage. It was everything else included in that level of selfishness iyswim?

VladmirsPoutine Fri 11-Jun-21 15:35:40

In fact this reminds me - one of my friends thinks his wife divorced him because he left his plate 'by' the sink as opposed to inside the sink or washing it up. He genuinely thinks she divorced him because of a plate that was left on a kitchen table. The fact of the matter is that his carelessness did this - the plate was just an example of it - they didn't literally get divorced because of a plate.

Sugarcoatedalmond Fri 11-Jun-21 15:39:32

@VladmirsPoutine I agree

OP’s posts: |
TwoAndAnOnion Fri 11-Jun-21 15:40:23

Sugarcoatedalmond

I cycle myself, as does DP. We both do other sports / clubs too & each have approximately one evening per week plus a few hours at a weekend to ourselves. We’ve both cut back on our “hobby” time since having kids though. So just to be clear I have nothing whatsoever against cyclists.

However, so many of the cycling blokes we know are regularly doing all day rides (think 100 miles plus, plus coffee/lunch breaks). They do this most weekends, plus weekday rides sometimes too.

DP asked how the ones with young kids get away with it.

I responded that I bet there’s some pretty unhappy wives/partners behind the scenes and the blokes shouldn’t be too cocksure of themselves as there’s regularly women posting on here about obsessive cycling partners & being told to LTB.

With cycling having a massive spike in popularity at the moment, AIBU to wonder how many break ups it contributes to?

Anyone who is heavily involved in any sport, be it football, golf, or is a gym bunny, will impact other areas of life. Cycling seems to an MN phenomenon, I know no one IRL who cycles.

The problem comes when the partner - who knows about the sport - tries to change their sporty partner, it's never going to happen.

Nightbear Fri 11-Jun-21 15:42:22

I was actually quite pleased when my ex went out cycling for hours grin

Lanique Fri 11-Jun-21 15:42:26

Lol my dh plays golf as well as cycles grin

He's considerate though; he won't commit to golf until he's checked it through with me first. The cycling is always on a Sunday morning until around 2pm. Then he's useless for the rest of the day 🙄. However if I want to do something on a Sunday I will put my foot down and he'll then go out instead for a couple of hours 'quick' ride on the Saturday. So I don't think it affects us badly. I have a lovely life of working pt mainly from home, and my downtime is during the week which includes walking the dog each day. He works hard so I don't begrudge him his activities. I quite like him being out the house sometimes as I get to listen to R4 in peace with endless cups of tea and the papers. It keeps him fit too which is nice wink.

Sugarcoatedalmond Fri 11-Jun-21 15:43:41

Cycling seems to an MN phenomenon, I know no one IRL who cycles

Wow! I know loads of people who cycle. Apart from people I met through my own cycling club, I’ve met people through work, NCT, mutual friends, school, uni who cycle

OP’s posts: |
ItCantbeME Fri 11-Jun-21 15:43:43

We all have hobbies, why don't you join him? Partners should support each other. I have a feeling if more partners enjoyed hobbies together they would stay together.

Lanique Fri 11-Jun-21 15:43:57

I admit I'm posting from the POV of a parent whose dds sleep in all the while he's out cycling!

YouShouldLeave Fri 11-Jun-21 15:44:12

There’s also fishing, golf etc.... all kinds of time consuming hobbies.

Many marriages seem to rely on a fact that the couple doesn't see each other much.

My mom has her business and rest of the time she’s with her horses, i swear the only reason my parents marriage has last for 39 years, is because they don’t spent any time togethergrin

MaMelon Fri 11-Jun-21 15:49:47

We all have hobbies, why don't you join him?

Or he could join her? I’m sure you didn’t mean to infer that it’s the woman’s responsibility to join her husband in his hobby in order to keep their marriage together.

I agree with others - hobbies that take up a huge amount of time mean that the burden of childcare and housework is usually shifted elsewhere, usually to the woman. It’s basically an expression of a preference for non-family time over family time.

SmokedDuck Fri 11-Jun-21 15:53:01

I agree that men seem to find the transition to not doing hobbies to the same degree harder after kids. And also to some extent women sometimes don't get away as much as they should, not because they can't but they won't let it happen. I really think part of it is they don't get the boost from the birth/breastfeeding hormones that makes them feel compelled.

But I also think some sports seem to attract obsessive people, and that men are more often obsessive about hobbies. I see it with my hobby which is gardening. Lots of both sex, but you do see that men are much more likely to get involved in obsessive, goal oriented gardening. Flower shows, collecting every type of one particular plant, obsessively breeding dahlias or rodos, or giant vegetable contests.

There is something about cycling that feeds right into that kind of personality trait and says "everything else should come second except maybe earning a living." I also think it's part of what makes them think it is ok to be assholes on the road.

Why cycling though I'm not sure.

CroneAVirus Fri 11-Jun-21 15:53:58

My DH goes out for up to half the day on a Sunday and I'm not that happy about it as it generally means we can't do anything as a family until about 2pmish after he arrives home, makes a protein smoothy, spends an hour looking at strava, another hour on loo followed by shower

I could have written this word for word except I would add on an hour for pooing and general bike faff before he even leaves the house.

I used to really resent it when the kids were younger. Now they’re older it’s not so much of the shit work falling to me. I still resent how much of the weekend it takes up though. He was recently training for an event, so it was cycling every bloody weekend and then hours after work taking the bike to be serviced and tweaked at the bike shop. So. Much. Time. Dedicated. To. Cycling.

But… my new thing is I’ve started to make sure I claim exactly the same amount of leisure time for myself. So now I don’t feel as resentful.

I can definitely see the fitness and mental health benefits for him and I fully support that. I just wish it didn’t take so much time!

poppycat10 Fri 11-Jun-21 16:01:53

Either it results in divorce or it keeps people together because they don't have to see each other very much!

Not cycling but I have a friend who runs a marathon most weekends. His partner does get annoyed with him over it I think eventually he said it's who I am so deal with it. I am sure there's a compromise there somewhere. Anyway they are still together - for the moment.

poppycat10 Fri 11-Jun-21 16:06:12

The thing is, it really doesn't have to take up so much time, but the clubs are run largely by men, largely for men. That doesn't mean that they don't welcome women, I've never felt unwelcome at my local cycle club at all, but the rides are all sooooo long. They do one shorter ride a month and the rest are all long ones - at least two hours and usually longer.

Breeze is great for women but covid seems to have killed my local group. That used to be an hour's ride on a Thursday night - perfect.

lljkk Fri 11-Jun-21 16:07:06

I dare say cycling might be the only thing holding my marriage together some days.

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