To think this insensitive and the end of a long friendship

(133 Posts)
turquoiseandblue Thu 10-Jun-21 21:11:27

My two best friends from uni, one who was on my course and who I suppose I'm a bit closer to but we've all been friends for over 25 yrs it's all pretty equal now.
I got a message from one saying they were meeting the other and could do with a chat as we hadn't spoken in so long, saying that lots of WhatsApp and a few face times given COVID (the last zoom call we tried to set up she didn't want to be bothered with).
I called her to be told she was in fact going on holiday with her children and our other friend as they had a spare room in their lodge they knew they would take and I was more 'difficult' (I have a toddler). I was then told it had been booked over a year ago. I replied that had they let me know I could have booked somewhere near, that was met with a pitying sigh as if I had some kind of problem.
I was then asked if I wanted to come on a zoom call with everyone when they were there, I replied I'd rather not as it was just a reminder that I wasn't there with them and hadn't been invited, I did say this all in quite a light hearted manner though again it was met with another sign.
AIBU to think they are just disregarding my feelings, particularly now they have returned they want to meet up in an area between all of us which they have chosen. This is in fact not at all in the middle and a 4hr drive for me.
It's such a long standing friendship but I have felt very left out on a number of occasions (lonely in a group of three) and I just wonder whether despite being godparents to each other's children and bridesmaids etc whether I should still be putting the effort in when my feelings aren't seemingly considered . If it were me I wouldn't have planned a holiday after lockdown without considering each of them and certainly wouldn't have made a guilty phone call just before I was about to leave for a holiday. Any advice on what to do next is welcome hmm

OP’s posts: |
PurpleDaisies Thu 10-Jun-21 21:17:20

It’s tricky. Sometimes it’s nice to see friends one on one and not every meet up always has to include everyone. I can understand why you’re upset though.

HollowTalk Thu 10-Jun-21 21:26:48

I wouldn't consider them my friends. It's become two against one - a horrible situation for you. Don't put yourself out for them.

DrManhattan Thu 10-Jun-21 21:34:57

The dynamic will be different when it's just the two of them and maybe that's what they wanted.
It's not fair or nice but its out of your control

NeverMetANiceOne Thu 10-Jun-21 21:38:01

They aren't your friends.

Sloth66 Thu 10-Jun-21 21:40:07

I think friendships of 3 can be tricky.
They seem to have paired up, leaving you excluded, and that’s hurtful.
Maybe this friendship has run its course?

ElderMillennial Thu 10-Jun-21 21:40:33

Hmm I think they are closer to one another than they are with you. It's not nice for you but sometimes it happens. At least you know where you stand now.

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Ickythefirebobby Thu 10-Jun-21 21:45:53

Three has always been a tricky number in terms of friendship. I don’t think friendships should feel like this one is making you feel.

TheTuesdayPringle Thu 10-Jun-21 22:02:48

It seems they have a closer friendship with each other than you.

I wouldn't cut them off or even say any more, but I'd try to accept that the friendship isn't what I thought it was and that I needed to focus on new/better friendships.

Things may change, you may find that one day you do want to reconnect with one or both of them so I wouldn't do anything drastic, but do look after yourself. What they've done seems unkind.

Sillyduckseverywhere Thu 10-Jun-21 22:22:23

I've stepped back from a three because we weren't on the same page any more and I was excluded.
I no longer contact them first, I'll let you guess how often they contact me.
It hurts, but I've developed other friendships.

KarmaStar Thu 10-Jun-21 22:29:47

Yanbu.
Time to cut lose.this being the third person in a two person friendship is piling into your insecurities and bringing negativity into your life op.
Cut contact and concentrate on you.🌈

MichelleScarn Thu 10-Jun-21 22:31:27

Do other friends have children the same age?

GNCQ Thu 10-Jun-21 22:33:22

I think your response is OTT

InnaBun Thu 10-Jun-21 22:36:13

I was then asked if I wanted to come on a zoom call with everyone when they were there, I replied I'd rather not as it was just a reminder that I wasn't there with them and hadn't been invited, I did say this all in quite a light hearted manner though again it was met with another sign. sounds like they tried to make an effort to include you and you took it as an opportunity to make a dig at them

EShellstrop Thu 10-Jun-21 22:38:27

Lots of friendships have bitten the dust over Covid. Maybe this has reached its end for you, too?

Think about it this way - if you didn't have such a long history with these women, would you feel differently about the way you've been treated here? Why or why not? Let that inform your decision on what to do next.

WeWantAMackerelNotASprat Thu 10-Jun-21 22:38:31

InnaBun

*I was then asked if I wanted to come on a zoom call with everyone when they were there, I replied I'd rather not as it was just a reminder that I wasn't there with them and hadn't been invited, I did say this all in quite a light hearted manner though again it was met with another sign.* sounds like they tried to make an effort to include you and you took it as an opportunity to make a dig at them


But it's a shit effort.

We used to have big holidays with other families and one year two of them booked something and WhatsApped to say people could pop up and meet them for the day 🤷🏼‍♀️. This was after one of our group had been discussing where we'd go!

Doona Thu 10-Jun-21 22:41:09

I think don't worry too much. Life can be awkward. If you love them, forgive them. Otherwise not.

InnaBun Thu 10-Jun-21 22:45:56

But it's a shit effort. it is but it sounds like they were aware they'd hurt OPs feelings a bit and had tried to think of some way to include her only for it to not be good enough.

supersonicginandtonic Thu 10-Jun-21 22:46:55

How old are their children and how old is yours?
If your child is a lot younger than theirs it will affect the activities they will be able to do, quite significantly

BrownEyedGirl80 Thu 10-Jun-21 22:53:33

I was in a friendship triangle that worked really well as we were all at different life stages so noone felt left out iykwim.
I was unhappily married,1 was older happily married with an adult ds and the other was younger and single.

TailFeatherz Thu 10-Jun-21 23:14:57

I see this all too often, ppl that have been friends for a long time staying friends when they're unhappy

If it's not working for you anymore just phase them out

StillCoughingandLaughing Thu 10-Jun-21 23:20:34

What has the dynamic been like in the past in terms of holidays, trips etc.? Has it always been all three of you, or have you ever gone away just two of you before?

I just wondered as you mentioned you are closer to one than the other. Is it possible one of them sees you as a friend, but not so much as part of a group?

GloriousMystery Thu 10-Jun-21 23:22:39

I think you’re overreacting, but if the friendship is no longer working for you, you should step back from it.

Zealois Thu 10-Jun-21 23:27:45

I don't think I'd necessarily end the friendship, but maybe pull back and not put yourself out for them.

3 is such a difficult number for friend groups. My friendship group from uni is now 3 and it's a constant struggle with people feeling left out at various points (example: it used to be the two with the most money to travel who saw each other, and now it's the two who are single). I find it exhausting.

MarchionessDeCamden Thu 10-Jun-21 23:28:34

I'm in a tight group of 3 best friends and I wouldn't dream of n m along plans with one and not invite the other! Always invite them, even if I know it's not their thing and they will say no.

This definitely sounds shitty lovely and I'm sorry you've been upset by it thanks

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