Old neighbor keeps asking for help

[creaturcomforts]

Since I moved I've kept in touch with an old neighbor who is in her late 60s who is a lovely lady with not much family.

She has a disability with her back which makes it hard for her to get out and sort things out as she lives on a 2nd floor flat.

Since covid struck I've been aware that it will have been hard and I've been going over and helping to weed the garden and tidy and go with her into town as she cant go alone.

I'm feeling really awful about this but I'm a single parent and I work full time, I work in care 12 hour shifts and I'm in my mid 40s. I dont drive and the last 2 times she has asked me to come and help her she has been out and said sorry she was out can I come again in a day or 2.

I've travelled 40 mins on the bus there and back because I dont drive and I havent alot of money for travel, I dont get alot of time from work and when I do have a couple of days off there is usually something that I need to sort out, either food shopping or things for dd.

I've been diagnosed as aenamic and I'm on iron and I feel better but im tired and feel im running on empty I also dont want to let this lady down but I cant keep going up there without notice.

I'm generally worried about her and I will do whatever I can to help but the last couple of times I dont feel it's been appreciated as we arranged to meet at her house and she was still at her friends and called me an hour later asking me to come over, by this time I'd had no reply and got in the bus to go home !

What is the best way to deal with this?!?

[creaturcomforts]

She doesnt genuinely seem to see that it would be difficult for me, it's just that as a single parent I've got alot on my hands but on the other hand she has been genuinely struggling, she has had a couple of falls and struggles to walk at times.

I usually walk the dogs and do odd jobs and sort the garden which is absolutely no problem, but sometimes she wants me there in a day or two and cant understand that I cant get time off work, or i only have one day off and i feel guilty for not travelling over, it's just that i get really tired and i dont want to let her down so I feel soooooo guilty!!

[ApolloandDaphne]

She needs an assessment of her needs done by SS. They can get appropriate support in place for her. Suggest you put in a referral for her to get the ball rolling?

[huuuuunnnndderrricks]

Call social services and tell them she needs help . You don't have to help her . Just explain you don't have time etc .

[Suzi888]

She needs a dog Walker and a gardener. Is she claiming benefits to which she is entitled? This will help to pay for those jobs. Then when you do see her it will be for pleasure only and to chat, rather than work.
She sounds a little ungrateful to be honest….

[creaturcomforts]

Hmm, I'm not sure if she would let me in on that info, I know she is in receipt of disability benefit and that she found it hard to walk before, she has hurt her back recently but has not filled me in on her condition, she seems to cope ok financially and had worked before covid part time.

We are not close enough that I believe she would fill me in on that information and I'm genuinely not sure what her condition is, she has two little dogs in a 2nd floor flat and she has other friends about who help her...

[Ughmaybenot]

She’s really taking the piss here. You’re being far too kind, and you need to stop and out yourself first. Say no!!

[EishetChayil]

Stop going out of your way for this absolute chancer woman. Spend the time with your DC.

[alexdgr8]

you need to step back from this situation.
it is not your responsibility; you have your daughter, and your job, and a health condition yourself.
who supports you.
and you don't drive.
it sounds like she takes you for granted.
if she is able to go visit friends, and not even bother to let you know, when she's asked you to come, then i think you need to re-assess your involvement.
i have known similar situations. where a neighbour becomes less able, but also can be quite exploitative and manipulative.
please look after yourself.
i have been caught. don't let it happen to you.
she needs an assessment by social services, or to pay for these services privately, gardening, housework etc.

[BendingSpoons]

She asks you to do her a favour and then goes out! That's really rude. I would stop helping to be honest. All very well when you were neighbours but there is only so much you can do from 40 mins away and she is not making the effort to even be in the house.

[creaturcomforts]

Yes agreed she needs a dog Walker and someone to help with the garden, I wonder how to broach this without her getting offended though as shes very independent..

I was aware that before covid alot of the neihhbours where I lived would talk to each other and help each other out, but she has mentioned since then she hasn't seen a soul.

She has council housing and they will help in that way but she has no one close by apart from some friends her age. No family.

I often thought that it was the company she needed and I've offered that, its awful that vulnerable people are struggling especially with covid, but... I dont think she would want me involved with her personal situation, she is an older lady that's been coping since I've known her when I was her neighbor for about 7 years and is in her late 60s

[ConstanceMarkievicz]

Im a single parent and I work full time and I would not entertain this.

Tell her "my kids need me, bye now"

[Mountaingoatling]

My dad (who is 70!) Volunteers with a local charity to help even older people with jobs like this. There is probably a similar charity near you. If you search online you could pass on this to her saying it might be helpful if you were ever busy.

Then when she asks say, have you tried Norwich Help (or whatever). Give them a call and if they can't help I'll try.

They will help. Honestly my Dad moans sometimes when "business is quiet" but he's not working or a mum!!! You've got enough on and you've been very kind.

[Bellbottomstovetop]

Say no. As simple as that.

If she is well enough to visit friends, she can either ask those same friends to help or sort things herself.

She's taking the piss. My MIL is in her 70s, paralysed down one side and doesn't need this much help!

[EnjoyingTheSilence]

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her what you’ve told us. That you work full time and how the long the journey takes you.

She either doesn’t realise or she’s a complete cf, no one on her can answer that for you.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I think you sound lovely but you'd be far better off finding out who can help this woman and signposting her to them. You need a rest.

[Coriandersucks]

She’s not that independent if she’s relying on you so heavily.

You need to be firm and say sorry but since you’ve moved it’s just not possible for you to help as much any more and you need to be with your dc.

Lovely that you care so much but there comes a point where you have to prioritise your own needs.

[creaturcomforts]

I was upset that I turned up and she wasnt there, she texted me asking when can I come next.

I had to say sorry I'm back at work now so it will be at least a week,

I think I need to have a discussion with her and explain that it's hard to come over sometimes and ask if theres any help she can get.

I feel bad I really do but I was honestly upset that she didn't apologise when she wasn't there last time and I've got things going on too.

[TheHuntingOfTheSarky]

She lives in a 2nd floor flat but has her own garden?

[2020isnotbehaving]

If she is claiming disability benefits they are meant to be used to pay for things you can’t do yourself. Sounds like she needs some basic help with the gardening though that’s not a critical thing just a nice thing to have. If she was starving and unable to get food that’s one thing. I would draw line at wedding someone’s garden if I was in your shoes.

Maybe drop her card or call to say you have enjoyed helping but you have Heath issues and can’t do it any more. Maybe offer help set her up with internet shopping or find a care agency who could take her out once a week maybe (depend on how often she can afford it). I’m disabled and have to sort things for myself I would feel dreadful if someone felt like you and was on their knees.

[creaturcomforts]

Yes thank you, there must be support around and I'm happy to help when I can but it would be so much better if there was local help.

I do need to Google and let her know of local support as they would be nearest and could be more help than i could.

I think she has become reliant on me which i understand as I've known her some time and feels more comfortable but I may not be the best help to her

[creaturcomforts]

Thank you to all the people who replied as I wasnt sure what the best option would be , I will certainly look into signposting her to people that could help her more than I could

[TheLovleyChebbyMcGee]

Yeah she's asking too much, just stop being available!

[Singlenotsingle]

Explain to her nicely that she's asking too much, and it's very difficult for you to do everything she wants, when she wants it. It's totally unreasonable of her to arrange for you to come over, and then be out! It's not as though you are a paid helper.

[toconclude]

@ApolloandDaphne

She needs an assessment of her needs done by SS. They can get appropriate support in place for her. Suggest you put in a referral for her to get the ball rolling?

But don't forget to ask her first as they cannot assess (well, they bloody shouldn't do) without her consent. You can't just "report" people.

[mediumbrownmug]

Yikes, OP. If she’s “very independent” then why would it not be okay for you to put your DD first, who presumably isn’t “very independent” without you? Your DD deserves the best version of you that you are able to give, and that just doesn’t include this other woman— who, frankly, doesn’t sound like she either needs or appreciates the help all that much. But all that aside, there is no law in life that requires us to volunteer to take on more responsibility than we are physically able to manage, to the detriment of the people who genuinely do need us (like your DD). You do sound like a lovely person, but really there’s no need to run yourself ragged for the rest of this woman’s natural life, however many long years that may be; therefore giving her no reason at all to seek any help she may be entitled to and (eventually) genuinely need. Nobody is truly being helped by this arrangement: not you, not your dc, and not the woman who, if she is truly so vulnerable that she needs a former neighbor to go through all this faff for her, really needs a more professional and reliable arrangement than you could possibly give.