Not to support DD TTC?

[checkyourpops]

She's 19. Too young, if we are all completely honest.

Last year, she was pregnant with her own DD who died sadly due to a miscarriage at 20 weeks. The pregnancy wasn't planned, although that wasn't making it any easier obviously. I am/was of course devastated for her so I know she's had a hard time. But she needs to be realistic in her choices, as hard as that may be for now.

Her boyfriend is nice enough but I'm not entirely sure he's right for her, for a number of reasons.

Thing is, even if she did let herself down and her prospects down by moving out and finding somewhere to live, that would at least be something.

But she wants to continue living in her large bedroom, with her en-suite. The house is quite big so we have space but her entitlement is so off.

The reason I know she's TTC is because I found a receipt from Boots on the side next to some Vitamins and my prescription I asked her to pick up. On it said Folic Acid. I take a further look and I find it in the cupboard. Upon confronting DD, she says she's very sorry but they feel TTC is the only thing that's easing their pain.

I said fine, (I was quite angry), but move out first at least. She says she wants to stay here. I said she really can't, with a baby. When asked if she also expected her boyfriend to move in too, she said she didn't expect that? To make matters worse yet, H has spoken to her over dinner apparently?! And he says he supports her decision... when speaking to him in private, I said this is absolutely NOT on, she isn't even willing to move out. He says we've got space and the room. I say no. He's very calm about this whole thing. It's actually infuriating. I said well I bet she still expected to come on holiday with us if she has a baby. He says why not?!

Truth is that H doesn't want to downsize and I do. We currently live in a 5 bed house. It's too big for us all. We also have a DS who's 11.

What on earth would you do? H is not supporting me in encouraging DD to find a space of her own. That's before we get into the fact that two 19 year olds are trying for a baby.

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS and works only 4 days a week 'because it suits her well'. Her boyfriend works in property of some sort in an advanced apprenticeship, think he did a few before that. A

I'm so upset for her. I can't believe she's doing this to herself and us

[30degreesandmeltinghere]

Maybe try a compromise? Offer to help her sort some therapy out first to deal with her loss...she may reassess then herself. And if she doesn't try and tactfully point out she is expecting you and her df to financially support her choices and you aren't happy with that. She won't actually be raising her own dc in that case
.
I mc at 17 and dm went batshit. Didn't speak for a year. I got pregnant again soon after and we were barely talking when dd arrived.. Tbh our relationship never recovered.. Been nc best part of 20 years..

[checkyourpops]

30 Sorry for your loss. DD has had quite a bit of bereavement counselling, and said at the time that it was very useful

I also know she's part of quite a few FB pages regarding pregnancy loss

[WeddingSingers]

DD is absolutely, totally, completely, 10000000% entitled to TTC with her partner. Her life, her body, her partner, her choice - it's ZERO ZILCH NOTHING to do with you.
That being said, she's an adult, intending to become a parent who wants live at home with mummy and daddy!? Perleaseeee. THAT is your problem. She needs to leave. If she wants to be a parent then that's up to her but she doesn't get to pretend to be one and stick you with all the graft.
If she goes to university then she can get pretty hefty childcare coverage and student funding to support her, her partner and her child btw. That will give her the opportunity to move out, get more of an education and have a child.

[checkyourpops]

I know she's technically allowed to TTC but come on, surely it's ridiculous?

She doesn't want to go to university. She says it's a waste of time unless it's something very specific you must be qualified for.

Her staying with us seems like such a silly idea. Really annoyed at husband for trying to facilitate it

[PurpleRainDancer]

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS

That's rather a thoughtless statement.

[Planty13]

Please be more supportive. You don’t need to tell her you’re crossing your fingers for a baby. Just tell her you love her and will support her. Emotions are all over the place after a miscarriage and she is likely in pain and wanting to see through something she never saw coming but grew to love/hope for. She will need her parents support even if you do not agree with her choices.

[checkyourpops]

@PurpleRainDancer She has been very lazy. She's chosen a job on a very basic wage with 0 plans to progress

Her boyfriends job is good I'd say but he's an apprentice, hardly in the right phase of his career to have a DC

[Dontbeme]

The person I would be losing my mind with is your DH, of course he is easy going about it because he imagines that You will be the one helping with the baby not him. I would be so angry that he and your DD ( she can use youth as a bit of can excuse) are fine with imposing such a big upheaval in your household. Is your DD paying digs in your home, does she do her share of chores, because it might be time to drive home the reality of being a young mother and being the one financially responsible for providing for a baby. Time for a serious talk about how she will provide for baby as well as how she is going to cover childcare while at work full-time.

[millymollymoomoo]

Completely agree with you

I think she needs more counselling to help overcome her grief at her loss and not try to patch that up with another baby

[checkyourpops]

@Planty13

Please be more supportive. You don’t need to tell her you’re crossing your fingers for a baby. Just tell her you love her and will support her. Emotions are all over the place after a miscarriage and she is likely in pain and wanting to see through something she never saw coming but grew to love/hope for. She will need her parents support even if you do not agree with her choices.

I think I could be supportive if she wasn't so blatant about planning to just stay here and benefit from living here

She is a good girl, does a lot for us in terms of cleaning, does loads of washing even though nobody has ever asked this, always asking me if there's anything I need in with a shop she's doing, etc etc. Taken DS to football and swimming lessons, also takes him out places if we aren't that weekend. But she just can't continue living here if she has a baby

[AnotherEmma]

This is a DH problem, not a DD problem.
Before either of you talk to her again, the two of you need to have a proper conversation where you thrash it all out and decide on a joint approach with DD, ie an agreement about whether she moves out (and if so, a deadline), what (if any) practical and financial support you will give her, etc

You can't control whether she TTC but the two of you can decide what your boundaries are when she is living with you.

If you and DH can't agree on this perhaps you could try couples or family counselling or mediation.

[HappyMeal654]

@Planty13

Please be more supportive. You don’t need to tell her you’re crossing your fingers for a baby. Just tell her you love her and will support her. Emotions are all over the place after a miscarriage and she is likely in pain and wanting to see through something she never saw coming but grew to love/hope for. She will need her parents support even if you do not agree with her choices.

OP shouldn't have to house her and her baby though, she is entitled to and should be making that clear

[Planty13]

@ HappyMeal654 she can tell her daughter that and STILL be supportive although I cannot imagine doing the same if I had such a large home

[InnaBun]

She has no proper job, despite very good A Level results. She chose to go to work in some admin role for the NHS

Ahem..there lots of people working in admin roles for the NHS. It is a 'proper' job

[checkyourpops]

@InnaBun You are right. Sorry. It's just that I had hoped for so much more than this for her. She doesn't want to progress or anything

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

What’s wrong with your DH, does he actually want to fund his grown up daughter through life and have a screaming baby In the house.
I’m with you OP, it’s one thing to be wreckless with her life but to be so thoughtless with the next stage of yours would piss me off- and of course I’m sorry for what she’s been through. I imagine these support groups and fb pages are fuelling her obsession though.

[checkyourpops]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

What’s wrong with your DH, does he actually want to fund his grown up daughter through life and have a screaming baby In the house.
I’m with you OP, it’s one thing to be wreckless with her life but to be so thoughtless with the next stage of yours would piss me off- and of course I’m sorry for what she’s been through. I imagine these support groups and fb pages are fuelling her obsession though.

Yes I think they are. A lot of these types of pages and forums have TTC again as an automatic next step after pregnancy loss. It's what lots of grown up couples do so I imagine she's been taken in by that

[DomPom47]

Feel sorry for you as you are princess baby having quite a few sleepless night over this. I would suggest to her that she gets counselling. I would speak to your husband and lay down the law with him - we are definitely downsizing and we are not supporting daughters decision until she has had counselling for her loss and until she has shown that she can stand on her own two week with her boyfriend financially to look after child. Does she have a clue as to how much child care cost!!!!

[aibubaby]

I think you just have to be supportive but firm. "I love you and I am here for you if that's what you decide to do, but if you're looking to be a parent then you need your own home. We're not prepared to have you stay here with a baby. I will help you look for a flat or house and maybe we could search for a good second hand pram and furniture?"

Basically be clear and calm and do not waver. If she does fall pregnant, reiterate she needs to move out before X months. She's entitled to try for a baby (as silly as I think, and you clearly think, that is in her situation) - she isn't entitled to live at home like a kid playing dolls. If she wants to be a parent and a real adult, she has to act like it.

You need your husband on board first though. If you're not a united front you've got no chance and no weight behind what you say to her and she'll know it.

[Raindropumbrella]

You are so rude. Not only have you insulted your daughter but in the process, you’ve insulted many of us on MN who do lowly admin roles

[VeganCheesePlease]

She's 19 and she's got a job. Many people don't go to uni, start at entry level and then work their way up. I don't think you're being fair on her about the job she's chosen.
Your DD has had a miscarriage at 20 weeks-what a massive trauma that must have been for her. As a bereaved mum myself I sympathise with your daughter wanting to TTC. When our baby dies, sometimes the thought of pregnancy is what keeps us going.
If you're not happy with her living at home, discuss that with her. Discuss getting her own place. It's your house and you can decide if you want her there. It is not your place to dictate she goes to uni, or does/doesn't TTC. I know you're only doing things out of care for your daughter but in all honesty, and in the kindest possible way, you're coming across as a bit controlling.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

You sound like a sensible person. Your H and your DD sound like - well the word would probably get me a warning from the admin. Yes, it is her body and she has the "right" to try to conceive. But when that baby is born, she becomes a "Mother" with the "responsibility" to provide for her child.
You should not be expected to provide shelter and childcare. Tell your H and you DD that she MUST move out and be responsible. If her job won't cover rent and childcare then she had better get back to University and train for a better job.
Now might be a good time to downsize your house too. If your H gets difficult, remind him that you and your DS can leave, he can be forced to sell the house and you each get 50%. Then he and DD can find something together and he can be a SAHG.
Stand your ground, for the sake of that baby who is being conceived as a replacement.

[checkyourpops]

My DH annoys me because 5 years ago we spoke of retiring to a little cottage or majorly downsizing when DS went to uni/turns 18. All gone to shit now though if he insists that what DD is planning is fine

I wanted more holidays and time away. So instead of spending 1/2 weeks abroad, we could cruise etc. DH is due to retire very soon and it's a shame if it can't be as good as we'd hoped

[Planty13]

@checkyourpops

I get your point, I do. I can imagine how she is feeling however, and her thought process probably isn’t entirely rational and is driven by loss and i couldn’t not support that. There is no fix. I hope you reach a resolution together

[Aalvarino]

It might be a proper job but generally it is not a high enough wage to fund a household and a baby... Apprentices get peanuts... Hardly anything. It's really off of your husband. He is wanting what he sees as an easy life and to not rock the boat.