Ex adopting step-child

(364 Posts)
EWAB Sun 16-May-21 19:02:01

Tell me truthfully how you would feel.
Ex has asked my opinion about adopting his step-child who is upper primary.
Our own child is an adult albeit a dependent one as they are at university.
I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he needed to discuss this with our child.
The truth is I am really upset. How would you feel both emotionally and about the practical implications for your own child?

OP’s posts: |
Hankunamatata Sun 16-May-21 19:05:05

I don't see the issue. There's a huge 10 year plus age gap

ForTheLoveOfWine Sun 16-May-21 19:07:06

Eh? Waiting for the drip feed because I can’t see the issue hmm

ALevelhelp Sun 16-May-21 19:07:49

I'm guessing there's a lot more to it?

KatySun Sun 16-May-21 19:08:35

Are you concerned about inheritance? That is the only possible issue I can see, aside from potential emotional ones but it really is between your ex and your son.

Stripeyduvets Sun 16-May-21 19:08:36

He sounds like a caring person, all the more so because he has asked your opinion about it.

Happycat1212 Sun 16-May-21 19:08:42

I can’t see the problem?

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steff13 Sun 16-May-21 19:09:57

Presumably he's already supporting the step child, so it won't make much practical difference. I do think he should consider your biological child's feelings. My husband's mother did this, and it's caused him a lot of resentment.

1Morewineplease Sun 16-May-21 19:10:23

Agree that it shouldn't be a problem.
As another pp has said, are you worried about inheritance?

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 16-May-21 19:10:53

He's committed enough to his step-child to consider adoption, I'd be proud of anyone who was prepared to do that.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 16-May-21 19:11:34

It’s between him, his partner and his step child surely? Why’s he asking you?

Standrewsschool Sun 16-May-21 19:12:48

That’s a really lovely thing for him to do. I don’t really see the issue.

Has he been the step-dad to the child for a long while. If so, he’s just formalising the relationship.

What practical implications do you envisage? What are you upset about?

GroovyClementine Sun 16-May-21 19:15:09

You're correct. It's absolutely nothing to do with you.

NakedBanana Sun 16-May-21 19:15:22

I'd hate it OP, I can't tell you why, as I don't know!

Yes I'd be worried about inheritance, but as you say that has nothing to do with you. Also the long term, what if they split up? Would your child still have contact with with her new step sister.

My mind would be spinning too but it's your child he needs to be discussing it with.

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt?

Yeah complete mind fuck. But don't worry the mumsnet keyboard warriors will be along soon telling you what a terrible person you are!

HollyGoLoudly1 Sun 16-May-21 19:18:27

What has made you so upset about it? At face value, it seems like a lovely thing to do and I'm sure would mean a lot to the stepchild.

lockdownalli Sun 16-May-21 19:20:51

I would think it was utterly bizarre that he wanted to discuss it with me.

It's absolutely none of your business OP. Can you articulate why you are upset about it? How do you see it affecting you?

FelicityPike Sun 16-May-21 19:25:56

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.
Are you worried about your child’s inheritance?

Aprilx Sun 16-May-21 19:27:54

You were correct to say that it is nothing to do with you, I am not really sure it is anything to do with his adult child either. He could have had another biological child of his own, this is no different.

MonkeyPuddle Sun 16-May-21 19:29:04

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. DS won’t be getting an inheritance from his dad so that would affect him.
I would be impressed if my ex had the capacity for caring to want to adopt the child.

EWAB Sun 16-May-21 19:30:45

@NakedBanana exactly how I feel.

@lockdownalli I can’t articulate why I feel the way I do. He spoke to me to me first to suss out how our adult child might feel.

I do feel that their relationship is compromised because of this child... having a half-sibling is kind of organic but adopting a step-sibling is something else.

Potential Inheritance is definitely an issue 100%. I know mumsnet hates this.

OP’s posts: |
ThatIsMyPotato Sun 16-May-21 19:33:12

Not sure why he asked you rather than informed you when he knew if it was happening but I guess maybe he thought you might have an idea how your son would react? Or he trusts your opinion. It's between him and his son now he is old enough.

SnackSizeRaisin Sun 16-May-21 19:33:24

While discussion with the older child would be nice, it's not really their choice to make. Most people wouldn't consult their adult child before having another baby. Having another child doesn't mean he loves the existing one less. I don't really see why it's such a problem, and it won't change anything practically for the older one, apart from their potential to inherit perhaps, but presumably that's years away and it seems like a very greedy reason to dislike the idea. I really don't see why you would be so horrified. Presumably the child's own father is not around, so it will simply means that the step child effectively has 2 parents, putting them on an equal footing with your own child

ThatIsMyPotato Sun 16-May-21 19:34:47

having a half-sibling is kind of organic but adopting a step-sibling is something else. are you against adoption in general or just when it affects your child's inheritance? Why is adopting a child something else?

SnackSizeRaisin Sun 16-May-21 19:35:56

Also it's all a bit strange, why the need to adopt? Because it makes him the child's legal father.

lockdownalli Sun 16-May-21 19:36:25

Potential Inheritance is definitely an issue 100%

Then YABVU

If you had another child would you consider not providing for that child? Most people I know are full of admiration for those who have the strength and compassion to adopt.

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