Husband secretly drinking, please help

[HelpMePlease2021]

I’ll try to be brief but I really need some advice and don’t know what to do.

My husband I met almost 3 years ago on a dating app. We talked and messaged for 2 weeks before meeting having both just gotten out of long term relationships and we fell for each other 100%. I’d never felt anything like it. He had 1 child and I had 3. We lived 2 hours apart at the time.

At the time he was single and there were a few incidents where he went out with friends, got super drunk and called me rambling. One time he was so lost he couldn’t find his way home and I had to direct him. This was before we met and I did tell him this wasn’t something I found acceptable personally as a mother and as a thirty something year old adult. A few drinks yes but not so drunk you can’t even remember things etc. He agreed and seemed onboard so we proceeded to meet, fall in love, love in together and get married. We also had a baby together who is now 1. And I’m 12 weeks pregnant with another very much planned and wanted baby.

So back to the issue. Once we met and moved in together we had a few more binge drinking incidents. This was where he would go out for 1 or 2 drinks with friends and then be there all evening, not answer my calls or let me know what was happening and get absolutely plastered. Even at our wedding party at our house he got plastered on Jack Daniels. That was our wedding though and I let it go.

He did this our second xmas together with my whole family over and a 3 month old baby. He was carrying her around having drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and was completely drunk. I had to take the baby off him and was appalled. It was so embarrassing and I was so upset. He was so sorry the next day and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Another time he went out for a drink or 2 max, got drunk and fell asleep on the train and ended up 1 hour away from home. The trains stopped running and I had to leave my newborn baby to go and get him. He was so drunk he told me the wrong train station and it took forever to find him. This was at 2am. When we got home he screamed and shouted at me because I wouldn’t give him the baby. Swore and said some nasty things. I made him sleep on the sofa. He promised it wouldn’t happen again and to drink less from then on. I went away for the weekend with the kids and honestly we almost split because of it. Drinking is a trigger for me as I had alcoholic grandparent who died of it and whilst I’ll drink socially I can easily go without.

The last incident was the worst. This happened a year ago before lockdown. He went for a hospital appointment and told me it was running late. He lied and said he was still there but really he was at the pub and got drunk again. Not just a little, he could barely walk home. He came home drunk and the children all saw him. Also I should have mentioned when we decided to have a baby it was him who really wanted one but I wasn’t willing to have one with someone who vaped (he’s an ex smoker). I hate everything to do with smoking and did t want that around a baby. So he promised to quit if we could have a baby and he did the day she was born. I didn’t ask this, he offered as desperately wanted a baby. But then the day he came home drunk and passed out I found a vape in his jacket, so he had lied to me about 2 big things and broken my trust again. He also swore Etc and tried to take the baby again. Saying you can’t stop me from taking my baby and you can’t keep me away from my baby etc. I absolutely lost it and honestly it was awful. I thought our marriage was over. He promised from that day on to stop going out and not drink socially anymore. He acknowledged he had no self control and couldn’t behave reasonably when drinking.

This was just over a year ago and since then apart from having a drink or 2 while watching football he hasn’t drank much. It has been lockdown though so he couldn’t really go out and socialise. He also started to minimise the event and keep saying it wasn’t a big deal whenever the topic arose. I’m really negative about him and alcohol now though and can’t stand him drinking. When we decided to have another baby he said he wouldn’t drink while I couldn’t. I agreed as I hate him drinking now anyway.

Back to today and he went to work to do overtime. He left the house at 7:30am and was meant to finish at 4:30pm but things ran late and he didn’t leave work until 8pm. I asked him to stop at the shop on his way home for milk and bread for the children. He called me at 8:40pm to say he had just got to the shop. 20 minutes later i called and he said he just got in the shop due to queues and people lining like crazy. This sounded like a lie as surely when he told me at 8:40pm he was outside the shop he would have seen a queue and mentioned it? He said he’d been trying to call me but then said he’d been talking to his brother on the phone. Contradicting himself. He got angry with me for saying that didn’t sound true and swore and said he was coming home. He didn’t get home for another 40minutes (should have been 15/20 max) and then couldn’t unlock our front door- said the key wasn’t working. He came upstairs and passed out on the bed fully clothed.

He was meant to do the baby’s bottle for her but he didn’t. He was meant to get bread and milk and he didn’t- I checked his bag incase he’d forgotten to put it in the fridge. What I did find is an empty bottle of rum and a can of Jack Daniels.

I can’t tell you how upset I am right now and confused. This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything. But he did it again today and now I’m wondering how many other times there’s been. I don’t know what to do and am so upset. I’m sitting here wondering how can I move forward with this and stay married to him. Lying is a big thing for me

I’m sorry this is so so long, please can you help me unpick this and advise me? I’m so hurt and confused. How can I have this baby now, I thought our marriage was solid and it clearly isn’t. I know he is very stressed at the moment with work and with lockdown life is so boring at the moment. But lying to me and being deceitful?!?! Does he have a drinking problem? Is it just because he was stressed at work? Am I being over the top policing his drinking? Please help me

[randomchap]

It sounds like he's got a serious issue.

Al-anon is a support organisation who could help.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

[Merryoldgoat]

He’s an alcoholic. He’s been an alcoholic since before you were together.

You cannot fix him.

You’ve been ignoring it since you got together.

You need to leave him. Start making good choices.

[HopeClearwater]

What merryoldgoat said.

Wake up. You need to prepare to be a single mother. You should not bring up your children in an alcoholic household.

None of this is your fault, but it is up to you to protect yourself and your children from this day onwards. He has repeatedly shown you that he’s an alcoholic.

I’ve been through this, and I am so sorry that you are going through it too, but you cannot ignore it any longer.

[HelpMePlease2021]

Thank you for reading my essay and for your messages

Would you say he’s an alcoholic though? He can go weeks without alcohol and it seems to be when he’s stressed that he needs a drink. Is that an alcoholic? Or a binge drinker? Or something else? I don’t know...

We have 4 children living with us, are currently doing DIY and he has a very stressful job in a managerial role. Also I’m pregnant and not very well so he’s taking on a lot in the house. So I do understand why he’s stressed. But lying to me about drinking when he knows it’s almost broken our marriage previously is heartbreaking.

It’s not like he drank a few cans of beer- he drank a 35cl bottle of 37.5 volume rum in less then an hour. He knew he’d be coming home to me and didn’t even care. He was tired I know, it was a long day of work after a very stressful week. But I just can’t imagine what he was thinking...

He’s just muttered in his sleep: I hate my life.

I knew he was unhappy, I am too with stress and lockdown. But he always says how much he loves me and would never want to get a divorce. I just don’t understand why he would do this

I’ve left the empty bottle and can (I emptied it down the sink) on his bedside table and sent a message saying: explain. He’ll see them in the morning and know I know. Then what?

We have our 12 week scan tomorrow. I was so excited after 2 miscarriages. Now I don’t know what to do as I won’t bring a baby into this world knowing it will have a broken home.

I know he will apologise, say it will never happen again, how much he loves me etc etc. Been there done that. I just don’t know what to do in the morning and how to proceed. I really do love him and believe he loves me. It’s difficult right now and the problem is that when life is difficult he turns to alcohol...

Is he an alcoholic???

[Daphnedelafontaine]

Yes. He's an alcoholic

He can get help but he needs to want help. You can't fix him.

You need a proper talk when he's sober.

[slashlover]

He is an alcoholic. He is putting the drinking above you and above going to the shop to buy food for the children.

[HelpMePlease2021]

Crap. I’ve read these threads before and I’ve always thought it was obvious when the husband is an alcoholic. How can I not see it with my own husband?! I know you’re all saying it and I’m still struggling to see it :(

For more info we never have alcohol in the house unless a party etc. If he's watching football he likes to have 2 beers, he associates beer and football as that’s what he saw growing up and has always done. But that’s all

Now I’m wondering how many times he’s done this.

[Merryoldgoat]

HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC.

He has been drinking the whole time.

Wake the fuck up.

[Holothane]

Just like my ex OP he could go weeks even months without a drink but the fear never leaves you eventually it will wear away at you, you’ll either be a nervous wreck from worry or you’ll get to the stage you don’t care about him, I’d start planning to leave hugs it can ruin your life as you know.

[HelpMePlease2021]

I don’t know if I can have a sensible sober discussion right now. I’m very hormonal and this has absolutely devastated me. I’ll likely start shouting but don’t want to. I just don’t know what to say to him

[HelpMePlease2021]

Yes you’re right the fear is always with me since the last incidents and I do struggle to trust him when it comes to alcohol.

He honestly doesn’t see that he has a problem but you’re all saying he does and I trust that you can be objective where I can’t. I don’t want my children growing up with this as their childhood. They are my priority.

Do you think if he’s willing to admit he has a problem and get help that will be a positive step?

[slashlover]

Even without the drink, he has lied, screamed and shouted at you and put the baby in danger twice. (Christmas and the train incident). He has lost your trust and is doing nothing to get it back.

[Holothane]

You can’t talk tonight he’ll be too drunk anyway, it won’t be easy try and get some sleep I’ve been there and it’s not a nice place to be hugs lots of them.

[kiksta]

Take your time. This is a conversation that needs to happen, firmly but calmly. Shouting at him won't get you anywhere and you'll just end up feeling worse.

This man is an alcoholic. He has an addiction to alcohol.

You must accept this. You must also accept that you cannot fix the problem.

The problem can only be fixed by him, and only when he is ready.

Until then, you need to take care of you and your children first and foremost.

Do you have anywhere you can go for a few days to get your head together? Or alternatively, does he?

[HelpMePlease2021]

He has tried to get my trust back, he stopped drinking for a very long time and these days only drinks when I say I’m okay with it- eg last week I let him drink 2 beers to watch the football. Even writing that and saying that I `let’ my husband an grown man drunk sounds crazy to me. Like I’m his mum

[HelpMePlease2021]

Yes you’re right I can’t sleep, he’s completely passed out snoring away and I’m lying here a mess with a baby who keeps crying.

I couldn’t go anywhere with the kids, their school is here and I don’t have anyone to take us in right now locally. Nor does he as all his family etc are 2 hours away but his job is here so he needs to be local.

I’d suggest a hotel but he’d probably get plastered every night and use our joint account which has an overdraft to do it. That’s how little I trust him right now.

I’m going to have to ask him to leave for a few days though aren’t I? I’m devastated that this is happening.

He won’t admit he has a problem I don’t think- he honestly thinks he doesn’t

[slashlover]

The problem is that you don't know that he stopped for a very long time.

This isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, usually after a 12 hour long day at work where he acts drunk but always says he’s just tired and promises he hasn’t drunk anything.

Also, he was drunk before you got together, he was drunk at your wedding, he was drunk at your second Christmas, he was drunk a year ago. How long do you think he stopped for?

[HelpMePlease2021]

Until I read your posts I didn’t think it was as bad as you’re all saying either. I don’t know why I haven’t seen it

[Brandyb]

I am really sorry to hear about this - it is frightening and I feel for you.

It doesn't matter if he is "an alcoholic". Problem drinking is on a spectrum that ranges across different behaviours and levels of consumption, but all share the characteristic that they have negative outcomes for the drinker and those around them. I think another characteristic is that the drinker is unhappy. Something inside is driving them to seek escape/oblivion. The drink is not an accompaniment to something but the central focus of what they're doing.

He is binge drinking out of control on a pretty regular basis and I would bet he is secretly drinking more than you realise.

He needs to seek external support via his GP or local drug/alcohol services and commit to total abstinence. Even then the road won't be a smooth one. But many people can and do make it - if they are committed to this outcome. The key is for them to realise that life beyond alcohol will be immeasurably better, brighter and more deeply rewarding and fulfilling. They need to start questioning the myths we are sold about what alcohol gives us. To do this I would encourage him to read some "quit lit" - look up Craig Beck or Jason Vale for some good options for men.

[HelpMePlease2021]

Slashlover that’s a really good point. I feel like a total fool for believeing him

[Merryoldgoat]

He has tried to get my trust back, he stopped drinking for a very long time and these days only drinks when I say I’m okay with it

I would bet pretty much everything I own he never stopped drinking and drinks all the time in secret.

[Sarahsteedman]

I'm.so sorry to readnakk of this, is there anyone, friends or family who you can have over tomorrow.for support in the house while.hou speak with him about this? It sounds like.this will.onlt.get worse over time rather than better and you need to start thinking of the next steps for you and your children as you and they are the only thing that matters in this. He is likely to continue to lie and promise he will change and he will use the children and the baby as emotional props but deep down you know he won't change.

[HelpMePlease2021]

Brandyb thank you. I don’t think he believes he has a problem so clearly isn’t ready to get help.

I don’t want to believe this but you’re all saying what I’ve been thinking and why there hasn’t been any trust in our marriage. He probably has been secretly drinking and I’ve been so stupid to believe otherwise

[slashlover]

It can work out OP but not if he can't even admit there's a problem.

One of my friends DH was a drinker and they split up over it. He went to the GP to get help and he doesn't drink at all now, although it took over two years for them to get back together and she took it REALLY slowly. Even now, he knows that if he drinks again then she'll be gone.

I think you need to look at the practicalities now. Whose name is the house in? Do you have a bank account in your name that you can move the joint money into?

[Ladida01]

Yes he is an alcoholic