Page 9 | DH gets grumpy without sex

(205 Posts)
Olivia2900 Sat 15-May-21 20:32:25

DH & I have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 young children (4 & 18mnths). Both work full-time; manage day-to-day household chores, etc - life is busy, same for everyone. Where we don't have sex after 3-4 weeks DH starts getting grumpy, frustrated, short, snappy with me on a daily basis - I can tell it's affecting him. he tries to but I'm often tired. I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes. We have sex around once every 2 months normally. AIBU for reacting like this? should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while? he's great with the kids; works extremely hard; supports the family incredibly well and looks after us and makes me laugh every day - no issues there; just this. views please.

OP’s posts: |
bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg Wed 19-May-21 09:16:13

This is so patronising - everyone is different! Some people love quickies or spontaneous sex rather than a big session. Long or short sessions (so to speak) are equally enjoyable if both parties enjoy them.

1) I'm bisexual and I've never bedded a woman who could come in under twenty minutes without a Hitachi wand.
2) The bulk of research into female sexual pleasure indicates that a large majority, four-fifths or so, of women cannot climax from penetration alone.
3) The bulk of research into female sexual pleasure indicators that women take a long time to get fully-warmed-up.
4) Recent findings are that foreplay causes the uterus to lift up, lengthening the vagina. Artificial lubricant cannot replicate this effect. It was this finding that enabled me to overcome the vaginal pain I was getting, and this is why we take an hour for foreplay.
5) The context in which the posters I was responding to were suggesting quickies wasn't a lustful romp bent over the kitchen worktop, but a fortnightly "lie back and think of England" to appease the husband. If you are lucky enough to find quickies a pleasurable option alongside longer sex sessions, then that comment was not aimed at you.

What I meant when I wrote about low standards, is this: No one should ever put up with "lie back and think of England". People normalise putting up with "lie back and think of England" because of men's "needs" and that thinking, that men's "needs" trump women's comfort, is why women like me end up putting up with painful sex for so long. You have the right to expect to enjoy sex and if your husband is pressuring you into sex that you don't enjoy, he's abusing you.

Ginuwine Wed 19-May-21 10:15:38

It is important, as per have said, there are so many posts on here about women who think the relationship was great and are blindsided by an affair. They later reveal they barely had sex but say they thought their partner was OK with that as they had given up asking.

This is spot on I'm afraid and I agree. The partner is 100% wrong for having the affair and not leaving - always wrong!

But the ostrich head in the sand act from some "my DH is fine with no sex! I wouldn't let him near me even if he wanted it! All that sweating and humping - ugh" ...

Yeah. That's what that perspective sometimes leads to .

Holothane Wed 19-May-21 14:05:22

With my ex sex was always painful I wasn’t turned on and an inverted womb didn’t help, today I’d love long slow session, (in my dreams)

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg Sat 22-May-21 08:19:01


With my ex sex was always painful I wasn’t turned on and an inverted womb didn’t help, today I’d love long slow session, (in my dreams)

This is why the "it's only 15m, put up with it" crowd need to give their heads a wobble.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken Sat 22-May-21 15:47:55

It really doesn’t matter how regularly the other posters on here like to have sex. It doesn’t matter if they prefer quickies or only bother if it can be a full on marathon, chandelier-swinging experience. You’re not having a sexual relationship with them and neither is your husband so their preferences are irrelevant.
All that matters is that you and your husband have found yourselves in a situation where your sex drives have become mismatched.
I wouldn’t suggest you have sex with him to keep him happy when you do not want to. It could lead to feeling used, resentful, isolated and even less likely to want and enjoy sex.
You need to get to the bottom of why your sex drive has diminished.
Are you too tired because he doesn’t help out enough?
Are you too tired because there is an underlying medical issue?
Are you just not sexually attracted to your partner anymore?
Do you find the sex fulfilling?

Each of these questions has a very different answer and only by getting to the root cause of your low sex drive can you actually make things better.

So, couples’ therapy, GP, a frank discussion with your husband may all be needed.

Good luck xx

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