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AIBU with my demands from DH?(361 Posts)
DH and I have one DS - we've always known we want more than one DC. The first pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalised from eight weeks through until I was induced at 39 weeks. I was unbelievably sick, I thought I was going to die and considered abortion multiple times - I was so relieved when I went past 24 weeks and knew I could no longer make that decision (because I knew I'd regret it), I was pretty close to considering suicide. I had HG so was sick all day every day, right up to the end (even in labour), I began fainting and collapsing and had horrendous pains etc.
Skip ahead a few years and we knew we wanted another DC but also knew we weren't going to do the pregnancy thing again - it was the worst thing that either of us have been through. We applied to adopt and were rejected (like the vast majority of people are - there were six of us at our training sessions and all have now been rejected). The adoption agency had issues with our age (in our mid/late 20s so not young parents really but VERY young for adopters because most people who adopt are much older), they didn't like that DH would be taking the parental leave instead of me (simply because I earn more and I enjoy my job more and DH's job has better parental leave allowance), they had issues with DH's weight (he has a BMI of just below 30, but he has a body fat percentage of below 10% and is an athlete - the doctor said he was in great shape but the agency solely care about BMI) and they also had issues with MIL (she was an abusive parent and even though DH has been non-contact for a decade, and so have his siblings, the agency said that abuse is cyclical so he's likely to be abusive because she was). So, adoption is out as an option for us.
Surrogacy is an absolute no-go and so is adopting from abroad - for financial and legal reasons, we simply won't consider these options. This pretty much takes us back to only having pregnancy as an option - and that is what DH would like to do. I think I'm prepared to do it but I have a list of demands, I'm wondering whether my demands are unreasonable.
1. Wait until September to conceive because then I'm entitled to a higher rate of maternity pay from my employer.
2. Once we have had as many children as we choose to have, I'd like to have my breasts reduced and my tummy tucked. I've always had large breasts and after our one son and two years of breastfeeding, they're ginormous - I'm in pain all day every day, have no clothes that look nice and just HATE them. My tummy isn't TOO bad right now but I had some abdominal surgery in recent years too so I think another pregnancy might leave me looking like a deflated balloon.
3. He's got a holiday booked for next February to go skiing - I'd like him to cancel it. I don't know how well I'll be and we have DS to look after now too so I can't really risk him going away.
4. I'd like to give birth in the hospital I gave birth in last time - almost two hours away from where we now live. I simply don't trust the hospitals closer to us having had really awful experiences. The hospital where I gave birth were incredible and I trust them completely. My sister recently gave birth and her care during and after labour was horrendous so I know all hospitals are definitely not remotely the same in the level of care that they offer.
5. I'd like to be induced (like I was last time), which does somewhat help with the logistics of demand 4. I've checked that I'm allowed to give birth in any NHS hospital and choose to be induced as long as I'm at full term so that shouldn't be an issue for the midwife/consultant/hospital etc.
I would advise you to enjoy the child you have and not have more children as your first pregnancy sounds really difficult
Most of your "demands" have nothing to do with your husband, or are out of his control anyway. This is really quite odd, honestly.
There's a lot going on there
I'd stick with one after all that
Pregnancy is an unpredictable time without your history.
I’d be sticking at one child and enjoying my small family.
I don't think those demands are selfish.
With the holiday you may find it harder to conceive and may not be pregnant then. Can he agree not to go if you are?
YABU to consider another pregnancy if you were that bad the first time. You can't demand things from your husband, it was and will be hard on him too, trying to work and look after your ds if you end up in hospital for almost a year like the last time.
Saying I'll only carry your child again if you do x y and z just isn't a healthy thing to do, and it doesn't sound like a good idea in reality anyway. Enjoy the child you have would be the best option.
What did your specialists say about the likelihood of any subsequent pregnancies mimicking the first in terms of illness/symptom severity?
Yabu putting your child through all of that potentially happening again, including you being hospitalised for practically 9 months
But what if you get hospitalised again for almost all of this second pregnancy? How will your son cope?
I don’t know about adoption rules - is it a one time only application type deal? Or can you look at another agency and try that route again?
Thank you for your advice. We would like a second child - it's really not an absurd concept and we're capable of loving and enjoying DS whilst also wanting a second child. I love, appreciate and enjoy DS just fine - I never considered it to be a reflection on him that I'd want a second child.
I agree with the others. I would stick with one in your circumstances.
You may want a second child, but it's just not visible is it? What happens if you're in hospital for 9 months again? Is that fair on your Dh or ds?
Lots of people want more children, and it just doesn't work out that way for a lot of people.
It's honestly quite a selfish thing to consider given the risks, and impact on your existing child.
I don’t think anyone is questioning a desire to have a second child and it being a negative reflection of your love for your son.
My concern would be in your shoes what if I spent almost all the pregnant years hospitalised and ill to the extent i felt like taking my own life. That’s a massive thing for your existing child to go through - you being away and unwell for so long. How could he possibly hope to have positive feelings about an impending sibling when it’s having such an extreme impact on you?
I’m absolutely agog at the reasons for the adoption agency’s refusal.
I have no answers for you, but best wishes.
Hi Scrambler. I wish you luck whatever you finally decide.
But my concern would be that you were hospitalised for a very long time with your first child. What would your plan be if the same thing should happen again? There is child to look after in the mix now.
Would you really want to potentially be hospitalised and away from your ds for nearly 9 months because “you want another child?”
Honestly, it isn’t worth it.
As someone who is going through HG for a second time (completely unplanned), I'd advise not risking it.
Luckily I've avoided hospital this time (by refusing to go and begging for stronger drugs), but my son has had to cope with and see far more than a child should. It really hasn't been fair on him.
It's horrible and so unfair to be faced with this, but I really wouldn't risk it.
Sorry, do you mean you were literally in hospital for seven months?
Because that is extreme. Risking that again would be madness.
OP wants a 2nd child so telling her to stick to one isn't really helpful.
Did the doctors/midwives say this was likely to happen to you again in your next pregnancy? Or is there a chance you might be fine this time?
I'd totally agree that your husband would need to cancel the holiday. I don't think your demands are unreasonable at all. You are thinking this out and moving forward with it in a way that you are comfortable with and that's totally understandable after what happened last time. I really hope it all works out for you.
Also very shocked at the adoption people. Those reasons are ludicrous.
I don't think you're being realistic with your demands. There are so many variables. Conception might not be as quick or easy as you hope and labour is hard to plan.. anything could happen.
But yes to the breast reduction, it does sound painful to live with.
I'd stick with the one in your situation.
I would also have serious concerns about being hospitalised again and being away from your DS.
Personally I would stop where you're at and not have another.
What is your plan to care for your child if you are in hospital again for 30 weeks? Is your second pregnancy is anticipated to be as bad as the first?
OP wants a 2nd child so telling her to stick to one isn't really helpful.
If I was her I'd find it more useful to really explore the want of a second child after what she went through the first time.
There's no guarantee it won't be worse and she's already going to have a young child to look after too
I'd stick at one
I was hospitalised from 20 weeks with HG with my first pregnancy and understand exactly what you are describing. Second pregnancy - no HG whatsoever but third onwards back to awful HG again.
Obviously demands 1 and 2 are fine. The holiday thing - what is the real likelihood of you even being pregnant by then? I would let him go but buy in plenty of help that week.
The hospital thing is madness. No hospitals are the same since covid anyway. I would say if you can afford to have all the surgery you want after your family is complete, then spend some money on giving birth privately in one of your local hospitals. Realistically you aren't going to be able to travel two hours every time you visit the hospital.