MIL & Childcare

[bicbub]

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

[Astronaut8]

If it was going to make me have to change hours, go further to get to her house instead of nursery, I wouldn’t bother. Too much work.

Could she have her on a weekend instead?

[DownWhichOfLate]

Sounds like a pointless exercise. It doesn’t sound like it benefits you at all. In fact it makes your life a lot harder. MIL could perhaps babysit at the weekend if it’s because she wants time with her grandchild.

[Fitforforty]

Yanbu. Perhaps suggest MIL picks her from nursery and has her for one afternoon a week instead.

Or DH can do all the additional running around and childcare.

[loverloverlover]

If he wants it to happen, he can facilitate it into his morning commute. It's not fair that it should all fall to you.

If you want to try and make it work could you leave food there to minimise packed lunch faff and have some toys there already?

Don't give in. He helps or it stays as is

[Rootsmanouvre]

She come to your house for 8am then.

Say you’re no longer on flexi and need to be in for 8.30.

And of course DH can’t help with this because?

[bicbub]

I should add that I was alternatively going to suggest that she pick DD up from nursery early one day a week and take her back to our house (or somewhere local) until 5pm.

That way she gets to have DD, I don't have to adjust my hours as much, and we still have the nursery day booked for when MIL is away.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

[headintheproverbial]

Just say no. Be effusive in your thanks for the offer and of course say that perhaps if they were able to do it at yours or otherwise help with pick up you'd be all over it. There's no point in having to work longer days and see your daughter less just to accommodate their request.

I'm also REALLY interested to hear why your DH can't possibly help. Whatever his commute or hours surely can't make it less possible for him than for you??

[Aprilwasverywet]

Well surely you just tell dh he needs to sort out the logistics and manage the whole thing himself? As you are happy with things currently...

[aSofaNearYou]

YANBU. I would tell her it doesn't work logistically but she's welcome to babysit often!

[phoenixrosehere]

YANBU.

Is there a reason that MIL can’t pick up the child from your home if they’re so wanting to do this? Or even your DH dropping them off at MIL’s?

Your DH is keen on it but he’s not the one having to do the work it will take which would annoy me if mine offered something like this. How did they not consider the impact this would have on you?

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Tell her 9-5 doesn’t work for you that it has to be 8:30 - 5:30. I doubt she’ll argue for an extra 30mins each way but if she does then suggest she picks her up from nursery one afternoon instead.

[Lou573]

No, it doesn’t help you out at all. If it’s something that’s entirely for your MiL’s benefit then she should do the running around. Can’t she look after your daughter at your house? My mum does a day for us and picks up in the morning and then I collect pm, but she doesn’t dictate a collection time - why does it have to be 5pm??

[Maray1967]

Why does his mother’s happiness matter more than your work-life balance? This can only work if your DH takes responsibility for that day or your MIL picks Dc up at your house at 8 . MiL needs to be told that you will have to work longer hours on your other days to accommodate this if DH cannot step up if she cannot turn up earlier, so no.

[Overthebow]

Say you’re fine with it but you can’t help with the mornings as you need to be at work for 8.30. Let them sort out the logistics.

[Maray1967]

Have you actually explained this to her? It sounds as though she doesn’t realise the hours you need to work.

[ZenNudist]

Really bad idea to rely on family for chilcare. What about when she is ill? My MIL was shocked when she found out our nursery costs she said "move here I'll do it for love". I declined to rearrange my entire life so that was a non-starter.

Its bad that your dh expects you to do all of the pick up and drop offs. Definitely don't get into an inconvenient arrangement just to fit in with MIL.

[Aquamarine1029]

It would be a hard no from me. All this will do is make your life much more difficult. You have the perfect setup now, don't ruin it.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

But you’re the ones working, and she’s the one who wants to have ds. You’re quite happy with the current set up, so of course she should work around you!

So either she could agree to have her from 8 (but I realise this is still a pita for you) or she picks up from nursery in the pm like you’ve said and a pp suggested.

The arrangement would just make your life so much harder, that it seems a really bad idea.

Or as mentioned, you DH could do all the running about if he’s so keen, and pick up his work in his free time!

[DarcyLewis]

I’d say fine so long as your DH drops her off, makes her lunch, is home at 5 to receive her and covers MILs holidays.

[phoenixrosehere]

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

Then be late for work or get up earlier to facilitate this? Your decision really if you want to deal with the headache it could likely become if you go through with their plan and what is wrong with having your MIL fully work around your schedule? If she is asking for this time, how else is she going to get it without it effecting your job which I’m guessing you need?

[Overthebow]

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

If she wants DD for the day and you’re working then it does have to work around you though. She’s the one that wants her, you’re not asking for free childcare.

[Trixie78]

Absolutely say no, if it makes your life harder then it's not going to work. If DH really wants her to do it he must do the drop offs and extra work!

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

But I guess even if the DH takes responsibly for the day, what about when MIL is on holiday?

[Schoolchoicesucks]

Does the nursery offer half days? Could your MIL pick up dc from nursery at lunchtime, back to hers for the afternoon and then drop her home? That way would only be 20 mins or so for you to make up and half days to cover when your MIL was away.

As for MIL having to work around your schedule - well she kind of does. You are not requesting this as a favour from her, she is offering to do it as she wants to spend time with your DC. So then she has to be willing to accommodate your schedule.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Would be nice if dd could spend the day with her gran, but if logistically it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I would keep her in nursery.

If MIL and dh want it, they need to find a way to make it work which doesn't involve you needing to take the brunt of the changes.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

Assuming she is is retired/doesn't work, and you are doing this for her benefit not your own, of course she needs to work around the schedule of two busy working parents. 🤷‍♀️