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AIBU?

To say he has to quit?

38 replies

Notgoingbacktothatlife · 13/05/2021 08:18

NC for this as I don't want it linking to my previous posts.

Backstory so as not to drip feed, DP has a history of alcohol issues. We were at breaking point before the first lockdown, approx 1 week before I said he had to give up alcohol permanently or leave.

He chose to give up alcohol.

DP works in the hospitality sector and yesterday returned to work after 14 months on furlough.

He had a beer after work, he says it's a one off, he says it's just how it is where he works and that's the norm. He can have 1 at work and that's it, he won't drink anymore than that.

I say no chance I'm not going back to a life of sitting here at night while he's at work wondering what state he will come home in and more importantly what he will kick off about! He's not a happy drunk, he's misserable, irritable and generally not very nice to be around.

Sober he's great, attentive to DC, helpful round the house etc.

So wise vipers ......

Tell me AIBU??

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Am I being unreasonable?

249 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
Onesnowynight · 13/05/2021 08:34

You are not being unreasonable. This was the reason I spilt with my ex dp. Before bedtime he was an amazing dad, partner and my best friend. But after bedtime he could either be really funny or obnoxious depending on which direction alcohol took him. He was never abusive to me in any way, shape or form. But I hated that not knowing which drunk would make an appearance.

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romdowa · 13/05/2021 08:36

You gave him the choice and he has now gone back on that choice. If it were me , I'd follow through and ask him to leave.

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Thunderdonkey · 13/05/2021 08:42

It sounds like he needs to find a new job if you are going to stay together. I can imagine it would be very hard not to drink in the kind of environment it sounds like he is working in, but if he keeps on drinking you are absolutely right not to put up with it.

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Notgoingbacktothatlife · 13/05/2021 08:51

The thing is I've heard it all before "I will just have 1" etc ... And all I hear in my head is blah blah bullshit!!

I just can't do it again one of our DC has significant additional needs now which weren't really apparent before so life in general is already much harder.

I don't drink at all purely because I don't like feeling yuck the next day so he says that I just don't get it, couldn't possibly understand how hard it is to say no in his working environment.

What makes it worse is that he lied, he stood there for half an hour telling me about his day etc ... I asked did he drink he said no, I said what not even 1? He said no. But I could tell he had and in the end he said ok I had 1 but I didn't want to tell you cos "I knew you'd do this, it's one beer for god's sake"!!

He says we can't afford the loss in wage if he quits but honestly I don't care if rather be on the bones of my ass than live that life again.

So my choice is to make him leave or tell him to quit his job ?

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skirk64 · 13/05/2021 08:53

He needs to quit that job immediately and find a job in another sector.

Alcoholics relapse from time to time, that is the nature of addiction. If you can't accept that he will fail every now and then you may as well end the relationship now. But it's alarming he fell at the first hurdle and is a sign that his current job is part of the problem.

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Aprilx · 13/05/2021 09:00

“Only one” is fine for people without a dependency but for those with a dependency, there is no such thing as one one, so don’t let him make you feel that you are being unreasonable because it is “only one”.

You seem to have changed the choice, before it was no alcohol permanently or split up now it is quit job or split. I think the first set of choices was the right one, it is alcohol he needs to stay away from not work, anywhere else he works might have a drink after work culture.

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Notgoingbacktothatlife · 13/05/2021 09:00

@skirk64 I know he will have relapses , I get that I really do. But as you say first opportunity, also in the past he would say service is just so mental etc . You need that drink at the end of it, you just don't understand.

But they weren't even open yesterday, there was no pressure of service, it was just prep.

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MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 13/05/2021 09:03

He had a beer after work, he says it's a one off, he says it's just how it is where he works and that's the norm.
The thing is he could easily have a 0% alcohol beer or a coke or something if all the staff stay back and have a drink, he’s just choosing alcohol over his relationship and health. I don’t even think a new job would sort out these issues, because it seems he would always have underlying resent that the nagging wife has made him give up the drink and now his job.

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askingrandomsonlinemighthelp · 13/05/2021 09:03

My father was like this. It took my mum 18 sodding years to get rid. From what my uncle says, 22 years later, he's still the same. It was always "just two pints" with him. But he had those "just two pints" even when my mum was scrabbling around for money to feed us. He had secret debt. He put himself first. Always. You've told him it's sober or nothing. He's broken his word. He always will. He sees you as someone stopping him having fun.
I waz with someone who could go months without drinking, but was a nasty prick every time he had a drink. He could not handle it. But he wouldn't accept he was a bad drunk. He said I had issues because of my dad. All our friends commented on it.
I've known a few bad drunks.
My current boyfriend doesn't drink, but he's tight, stubborn, unemployed, lady and faffs around doing fuck all day. I know how to pick them. Don't take advice from me. I'm no better off. I just take scrape. And I'm alright. I like me. I don't know why I put up with it.
We should all hold men to higher standards. So many of them get away with being bellends.

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PriestessofPing · 13/05/2021 09:04

I think you’re being unreasonable only insofar as it seems like you’re the one putting down the limits, restrictions and ultimatums. So you’re the one taking the responsibility. What is he doing to seek help?

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Notgoingbacktothatlife · 13/05/2021 09:04

@Aprilx you are right, I have changed the goal posts somewhat because honestly I'm not sure I will cope alone. The past 14 months have been eye-opening. DCs needs have become more and more but with DP sober and capable it's been manageable and home life has been good. That has shown me we can have a decent life and enjoy each other and our children etc.

But maybe you are right and I should make him leave ... I'm just not sure I can do it on my own.

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askingrandomsonlinemighthelp · 13/05/2021 09:06

was lazy *scraps Sorry! :-/

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Northofsomewhere · 13/05/2021 09:07

My father was an alcoholic (it's unclear if our DP is) who worked in a pub, people knew he had problems with alcohol but they still employed him. I remember been taken to see him at work as it was the only place my mum knew he would be (he was avoiding paying maintenance) and he would often have a pint behind the bar. He later died in his 40's of alcohol related issues. My mum kicked him out when I was very young because of problems arising from his alcoholism. It didn't stop him but it removed him and all that he brought from our lives and it was certainly the best choice. I think you're right to say that if I can't stay away from alcohol (he could have a soft drink after all and still join in) then he either needs to find a different job or leave. He has to choice to stay in his current job but have a soft drink (however the first time he lies you have to be prepared to end it), change to a job where alcohol isn't a factor or to continue.

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Pinkdelight3 · 13/05/2021 09:15

You can say what you like, but it has to come from him if it's going to work and he's clearly nowhere near ready to recognise his issues. On the contrary, it sounds like he's back at square one of thinking he can totally handle it after being dry for so long, so you've got the whole spiral to go through again. I know it's hard, but you already gave him the ultimatum and he's chosen to drink. If you don't follow through with the consequences, you'll be stuck in the cycle too.

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Tal45 · 13/05/2021 09:15

Why doesn't he just leave work when it finishes and come home to his family earlier? Why is socialising with the people he works with and then feeling pressured by them into having to have a beer more important than that? Perhaps it's time to make a new 'norm' at work.

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finallyme2018 · 13/05/2021 09:16

Just so you know it can be done being single and raising a child with significant additional needs. I'm single with a child born with very complex health needs who's spent a significant portion of his life in hospital on top of a autism diagnosis. Is life hard sure, are there days where I'm not sure I'll survive the next 10 mins but you get back up every time as your love for them helps you too and also you don't have a choice is it scary being a completely single parent as no dad at all and very little family support. Definitely but you fall down and you get back up because you don't have a choice staying with someone who let's you down and breaks promise causes more stress than deciding to do it on your own. By all means stay with him if that's what you want to do. But you can do it on your own. I've done holidays abroad, travelled to London with my son. Does it take alot of extra planning sure but those are the days I live for. Hope that helps your decision.

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pointythings · 13/05/2021 09:18

He's going to need to change jobs and he's also going to need to engage with alcohol support. You're right, he can't have 'just one'. It isn't possible for him to do that and he has to accept that.

But if he won't, can't and doesn't, then you need to end the relationship. I understand it will be extra tough because of your DC's additional needs, but making a child grow up with an alcoholic parent is wrong.

What worries me is that he lied to you. It's what alcoholics do (my late husband was one). So even if he changes jobs, you can't trust him. Alcohol is everywhere.

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EasterEggBelly · 13/05/2021 09:23

So my choice is to make him leave or tell him to quit his job?

It always starts up again with ‘just one’. Because you think you are in control. Actually it’s the ‘just one’ that’s controlling this.

He’s had a long period of abstinence but has fallen at the first hurdle. It will creep back up again. He will think he is managing it. It’s not that bad. It’s not all the time. He’s not drunk. He can handle it. You don’t understand.

The list goes on.

Personally I’d look at separating or complete abstinence. There is very rarely a happy middle ground.

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MizMoonshine · 13/05/2021 09:26

I quit working in the hospitality sector after realising it was seriously damaging my health and relationships.
I was literally stood behind the bar, on shift, when I walked out.

The culture of it is very much party and pressure.

You're not being unreasonable to think it's an unsustainable lifestyle.

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WoollyHeadedMammoth · 13/05/2021 09:30

The thing is he could easily have a 0% alcohol beer or a coke or something if all the staff stay back and have a drink, he’s just choosing alcohol over his relationship and health...

Agree with this. It's not always easy, depending on the culture, and I can understand why he didn't think of it. But it's the obvious option, much more logical than quitting! I used to work in a very drinks-culture environment (obligatory meals out and functions with clients where everyone drank). One of my coworkers didn't drink at all because his father had been an alcoholic. He'd always come out with us and drink something non-alcoholic that didn't attract too much attention (e.g., cranberry juice if everyone else was having cocktails - otherwise water, coke, etc.) He really didn't get asked about it that much. If the social group is all coworkers, that should be even easier. Obv he doesn;t want to say he has a drinking problem or promised his partner he'd stop, but it could be anything - he's had a health scare, he's on a diet, he's running a marathon. Most people really won't care, and anyone who does want to tease him or whatever will get over it quickly.

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MadeForThis · 13/05/2021 09:32

The job is making it worse but it isn't the problem.
He's an alcoholic so he will always find an excuse to drink. Work is just the easiest one now.

He is already lying about drinking.
He's already blaming you for the lying.

You need to leave.

He needs to sort himself out. But only he can do it.

Asking him to quit his job will not solve the problem. He will always find an excuse. Unless he honestly decides never to drink again. But only he can want to do that.

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Exhausted4ever · 13/05/2021 09:33

Surely he doesn't need to quit his job, he just needs to change the expectation that he will drink. He can either be honest and say I am teetotal and tell his colleagues, I'm sure he will find great support. Or he says he has family commitments meaning he cannot go to the pub after work. Quitting his job won't necessarily fix things

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TatianaBis · 13/05/2021 09:40

Is he doing a 12 step programme OP? (AA or similar)

Without that he hasn’t really got much hope of sticking to it.

Not much point in him ditching his job if he simply continues to drink in his new one. And he may be unemployed for a while.

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toocoldforsno · 13/05/2021 09:40

It's go nothing to do with the job. It's his choice no matter where he works, and he chose to drink and he chose to lie.

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PriestessofPing · 13/05/2021 09:43

I agree with why can he not be honest with his colleagues and say alcohol was becoming a problem for him so it’s a coke for the after work drink now. There’s so much more awareness of these sorts of issues now, are his colleagues really such wankers that they’d judge him or try and cajole him into drinking? Or has he just looked for the first available excuse to drink?

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