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AIBU?

...to feel angry at MIL and be dreading their visit?

74 replies

Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 13:12

NC as identifying...

This is going to be a ranty ramble. Sorry. I just need to vent and get perspective. Hormones may be messing with me...

So MIL and her DH have three sets of GC. Ours oldest, two in the middle and one youngest (SILs). MIL and her DH moved to be closer to SIL and her family. We used to be based close enough to meet MIL mid way for a day but recently moved and now we can only visit overnight.

During lockdown I suggested keeping in touch with DC virtually. They are fine with tech. Very young and active for their age. Kept in touch with their hobby groups this way so it’s not a fear or incompetence with video calls. I mentioned a few times about them maybe having video calls with our DC . Tried a couple of times to sort something out. Gave them a list early on of fun activities that GP can do with GC over zoom/Skype etc. Nothing. DH doesn’t arrange anything either. I don’t feel I can push it as they are not my parents. They fob me off. ‘Yes that sounds great, well let you know’ kind of thing.

Contact since lockdown #1: Managed about three or four virtual chats. Met for an outside picnic with all family in summer last year for MIL birthday and they brought their caravan to somewhere near us when we were on holiday. Just a couple of days but rain meant we didn’t get much time.

In comparison they continued childcare for youngest GC throughout. Had SIL in the house lots.

I’m not sure how much they keep in touch with middle two GC. They are on SFIL side of family so not sure what the situation is but MIL and her husband moved away from them. They have continued childcare pre lockdown though and did lots of it for them before the move and a bit after too (travelling some distance).

So on the last video call MIL said they’d booked a caravan site near us in July ‘to come and see us’. I was really pleased. I thought that our DC can have some quality time with MIL. Then they said the site is an hour away and SIL and youngest GC coming too. And it’s when my DC is still in school - so we won’t be able to see them much after school as it’s too far but they may come to us after school I guess. And...youngest GC will be there who obviously is at a cuter and more engaging stage and is closer to them because of familiarity (we don’t hold it against him at all - he’s adorable!), so our DC will get pretty much ignored. Our DC will be in full knowledge that grandma and grandad are fairly close by having lovely days at the beach when DCs in school, then hearing all about it when we do see them. We will be regaled with funny stories about how cute it was that youngest GC did X or Y. ... A visit ‘to see us’ is actually a holiday with SIL during which they will fit us in.

In fairness, they had booked a week nearish to us in March this year, but this was cancelled due to restrictions (predictably IMO) not being lifted by then. They have several other caravan holidays booked in other parts of country that they easily could change and come here instead (beautiful area that they love - great place to holiday) but have kept their bookings elsewhere.

When we last spoke we were talking about them visiting. They said for me to check out local caravan parks (they have their own caravan). I did. Found one with availability for most of season that’s 10 mins away, good reviews, lovely scenery. Passed on the information. They said they had lots of caravan trips booked in so can’t book it?!!! WTF?!! Why say ‘check some sites out (because you’ll know the area better than us) and let us know’ if they had no intention of booking anyway? FFS.

I think this guilted them into thinking they should visit (and DH finally pushed them to find a date) so they have booked a B&B for two nights soonish.

I feel so sad for my DC. If it wasn’t for DC I’d just accept it and give up but I feel a duty to facilitate their relationship.

Previously we have always had to ask for them to have DC. They never offer.

They clearly prefer SIL and her GC. They don’t seem to want to spend time with us (I think we are quite nice to be around despite the very ranty post!).

Context is family history of favourites. DH’s maternal GP would go on and on about their youngest son (MIL recognises this and talked to me about it), MIL clearly feels closer to her daughter and has been pretty cold to my DH at times in his younger life. Now I feel they are transferring this to my DC. This makes me feel devastated because at some point this will become obvious to DC.

Tried to talk about in a very gentle way with DH but immediately he got angry so either he genuinely doesn’t see it or it’s too painful.

I am dreading their visit because I just feel so angry at them. I feel gutted for my DC. My DF wasn’t a great dad and doesn’t show much interest as a GP. FIL and his wife live abroad and so are not around much. My DM loves my DC almost as much as we do and this makes up for it a bit, but I find it so sad that DC have six GP only one of which seems interested. If MIL didn’t make so much effort with youngest GC it would feel so much easier.

Please help me get perspective.

If I’m not BU to feel upset and angry - What do I do with it? Shut up and put up or try and address it? Should I try harder to try and build GP and DC relationship or let nature take its course and be there to provide love and support when the inequality shows itself to DC - which it will eventually.

If I’m BU, why? What can’t I see? What am I missing?

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Am I being unreasonable?

198 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
58%
You are NOT being unreasonable
42%
HoppingPavlova · 11/05/2021 13:26

I’m sure I will be flamed but quite often grandmothers just naturally have more to do with their daughters children. I don’t think it’s because they love their daughters more than their sons or feel closer to them. I think it’s an ‘easier’ relationship with grandchildren as opposed to going through a DIL as ‘middle man’. You only have to read the majority of posts from DIL’s on Mumsnet to see the difficulty MIL’s face. A daughter is more likely to say ‘here mum, take the kids, knock yourself out, trust you’. There are odd exceptions though. DIL’s tend to get the rage because the kids were not fed organic lima beans unicorns had pissed on or little Johnny who is extremely robust was taken to the park with/without a jacket or a planet somewhere didn’t align with another and they are ‘raging’ and need everyone opinion as to whether MIL should ever be trusted unsupervised with children ever again.

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Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 13:33

I can see that might be the case. It doesn’t help that DH doesn’t organise things despite us splitting work/childcare etc 50/50. I nudge him but don’t feel able to push it with him or them. When I do push it (like following up on them asking me to find a caravan site) it feels like it gets knocked back so my attempts aren’t successful any way so being more pushy about it (like a daughter might) wouldn’t work.
It helps to think of it like this - feels slightly less personal this way.

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PureAndEasy · 11/05/2021 13:34

Speaking from experience, you can't fix this. Your PILs know what they are doing, but will be justifying it to themselves using well established, years old excuses. The best thing you can do is just let it go.
In our house it has become a joke - we don't see FIL because he is so 'busy'. We all roll our eyes and have a giggle together. Your DC will be fine. By the time they are old enough to notice they will also be old enough to understand that not everyone is particularly supportive or kind.

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Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 13:38

PureAndEasy

Thanks. That helps. We do this kind of thing about my dad who has no interest in any children. Harder with the disparity. You are probably right though. Very hard to change. I need to let go of ‘what could be’ and accept what is so that when DC notice I’m ready.

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Aprilwasverywet · 11/05/2021 13:44

My ils were very very similar op.. They bought a huge static caravan. At least one of sil's dc went every single time. Mil mentioned mine staying once. When pressed for arrangements it was an opening for me to take my dc not them.
They were taking sil's dd abroad that week and wouldn't be using it...
I backed away and took dc with me. The favouritism was getting more obvious..
They never ever took my dc anywhere.. When we moved to their area they had 2 x dc overnight for the move ... I put them to bed and was there at 7 am as per their request.. They hadn't even given them any breakfast...
I gave up before I said things I wouldn't have regretted...

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Hadalifeonce · 11/05/2021 13:44

Could you try having a chat with your MiL about this, gently exposing you feel your children are missing out on time with their GP?
My SiL used to hijack every visit to PiL, I eventually asked my FiL not to tell her when we were visiting as we felt it important for our DC to have a relationship with their GP without their cousins always being there. It worked, and sometimes we visit without SiL involvement, other times we are all there.

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Hadalifeonce · 11/05/2021 13:46

Explaining not exposing

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Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 13:52

Aprilwasverywet

It so sad that you had to back off but I think is what I may need to do. Your post also just reminded me of them booking a holiday and saying they would take DC. Then nearer the time they just started talking about us ‘all going on holiday’ together and I ended up using annual leave on a holiday with them - which was nice but not relaxing. We took turns cooking and cleaning up. Not once did they look after DC.

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Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 13:58

Hadalifeonce

Talking about it would be me usual go to. But DH is not seeing things the same as me. They are a ‘sweep it under the carpet’ family and whenever any family member starts to talk about one of the many elephants around, usually it creates huge amounts of anguish and defence which takes so much time to heal. Honestly, when we visit them at Xmas in normal times you can’t move for elephants in the room and without tripping over all the emotional debris that’s been swept under the carpet! I fear talking about would cause WWIII and I’d be the scapegoated (that’s the pattern with other things). DH has been ousted (passive aggressively) in the past for trying to talk about stuff.

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Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 13:59

*be my usual

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Hadalifeonce · 11/05/2021 14:01

Tough one! Looks like a step back and taking everything they say with a pinch of salt. Certainly not telling your DC of plans which probably won't materialise.

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Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 14:04

Thank you all. Just knowing that this is the same in other families helps.

I think I probably do just need to let go of the anger and accept that this is them and be ready for when DC notice.

I’m feeling pressure to make their stay really lovely so that they want to come back which is ridiculous and makes me feel really pathetic! Blush

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ChrissyPlummer · 11/05/2021 14:06

YANB terribly U....but they are under no obligation to offer childcare. You mention this twice, the fact that they look after SILs kids and the fact that “not once” did they look after yours on holiday. Why should they? Too many on here seem to use ‘childcare’ as a synonym for ‘relationship with GPs’.

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girlywhirly · 11/05/2021 14:07

Upsetting as it is, and clearly unfair, I don’t think things will ever change. DH could have it out with them about the favouritism of their other DC and the ignoring of your DC compared to the other DGC, but I don’t think it would change much apart from him getting it off his chest. It may be that they think their other DC need them more, and always have done since childhood.

I don’t think you can make the ILS want to be involved. See how they are at this next visit, and if it seems strained or they are disinterested just don’t facilitate. I don’t think your DC will be as affected as you think by not having the GPS in their lives, in fact they are more likely to be affected by having tense visits where they go on about the ‘favoured’ DGC.

Has DH ever had counselling himself about this rejection? I’m sure he is suffering still, and it could really help him come to terms with the situation.

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LittleOwl153 · 11/05/2021 14:12

I'd forget them. You don't say how old your school are but I'm assuming young enough that with the amount they see them they don't have much of a connection. If they already see alot of your dm, they can already see the difference.

I'd follow your dh's lead as it is his relationship with them too. It is going to hurt like he'll for him to see his kids pushed away in favour of his sisters kids, and is likely bringing up past issues of this happening between him and his sister - as indeed it still is.

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LittleOwl153 · 11/05/2021 14:14

How old you kids are....

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alphasox · 11/05/2021 14:17

very similar situation with us. it breaks my heart that my children are de-prioritised over cousins. But I made peace with it a while ago as they will not change. I focus on what I can control instead. It's their loss.

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Iwonder08 · 11/05/2021 14:24

They are not bothered, your kids will be just fine.. Why do you keep trying? They are not even your parents, leave the contact facilitation to your husband.. And if he is not bother either neither should you!

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Billandben444 · 11/05/2021 14:28

I am the MIL here and see my daughter and grandson a couple of times a week, chat or Skype every day, pick him up from school sometimes and he stays over on Friday nights. We go away together and go to the cinema and swimming.
I also have a son, DIL and granddaughter who I see once every couple of months for a coffee and I never babysat my 14-yr old GDD when she was little, not even for an hour. Both families live the same distance from me.

My daughter is a single mum and works full time and I'm her only support.
My son and DIL both work school time only and she has a very supportive mum who lives minutes away. My GDD was born at 27 weeks and was never left with anyone as they were very protective of her.

See how there can be a simple explanation for things that look unfair? OP, I'd let it drop as you are making yourself unhappy about a situation that you have no control over. Your children will be fine without much contact and I wouldn't bother to see them when they stay in their caravan near the beach as that set up would piss me off on my children's behalf. Family dynamics can be unbalanced sometimes.

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Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 14:28

ChrissyPlummer I don’t feel they have any obligation to look after DC bit do think time on their own with DC is better for building bonds. However, it is the disparity that hurts. They offer it to other GC and seem to love it. Regale us with all the cute stories. Some of it is distance but it’s hard to hear about the lovely times cousins have at their house. We live far from family so have set up our life so we don’t need childcare. It’s the experience that DC is missing out on mostly with a touch of feeling a bit hard done to if they do it for their other children.

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Aprilwasverywet · 11/05/2021 14:36

We lived 3 streets away from mil. Sil lived in her street!!
Never ever did mil do more than call at our doorstep and say a quick hello to the dc whilst walking their ddog.. One of my dc is now on his 20's and I still see now ex ils from time to time (keep peace for ds...)they have rewritten his childhood!! Until me and their ds divorced they never bothered!! And then only because exh didn't want to bother looking after them and went there!!

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namechangemarch21 · 11/05/2021 14:36

I understand the frustration about how differently they're all treated OP, but honestly I don't understand the emphasis people place on grandparent/grandchild relationships sometimes. My toddler DD has two alive sets of grandparents, which is already insane to me (I was born after both my grandfathers died) and they're both close by and so far engaged - great.

But in reality, I know very few people who had grandparents they saw regularly who were v close to them. Mostly there were some simmering tensions under the surface. My paternal grandmother lived far away, I saw her maybe once a year, she was MUCH more involved with her other grandchildren - weekly babysitting, etc etc. I honestly wasn't at all fussed by it - she was geographically closer to the others. She was also quite strict and opinionated and drove my mother mad, so visits with my mother muttering under her breath weren't super relaxing.

I think I benefited from knowing her well enough to understand some of our family history a bit better, but I don't think it was an amazing important relationship or I missed out massively. I never felt compared to the rest of the family, it didn't really occur to me to seek her approval in a huge way, or to think she should feel about me equally to her other grandchildren just because we were all the same.

I think you run the risk of talking up these grandparents to your children so they feel like its this great, fun relationship and are then hurt when they're emotionally distant. Just be matter-of-fact about it - oh yes they see X and family so much as they're close by, shame we can't see them more, oh well. You don't mention if they have a relationship with your parents, or what thats like. I was able to see the dysfunction on my dads side of the family from very young, like age 10, and I was pretty happy to be at a remove from it. It sounds like your DHs family dynamic is messed up and I'd think carefully about to what extent you're replicating that for your children. Do you want then to be brushing things under the carpet? If they do start to notice, I think you should say: what a shame, they don't know what they're missing out on, silly them for not wanting to put more effort in but lets not waste our time worrying about it. Or else you run the risk of effectively gaslighting your won children - 'Oh of course they love you the same, so tricky with the distance, I'm sure they'll come and stay at easter.'

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Grumblesigh · 11/05/2021 14:40

Okay. YABsuperU.

These are not your parents, and you need to remove yourself from your husband's relationship with his parents. He doesn't want to talk about it as it's too painful or simply unimportant? Fine, then stop prodding.

They are your DC's grandparents, true, but let's face it, sometimes that's a close relationship and sometimes it's not. Your DH is not particularly close to his parents, so why would you expect a cosy relationship with your DC? Your own Mum sounds wonderful, so celebrate that.

Your jealousy of SIL comes through loud and clear, as does your resentment of your PIL. Which I do not get. They are not being horrible to your DC. They have suggested a visit. It's obviously a holiday essentially and meant to benefit SIL and her DC, but they do want to see your DC as well. Just take it for what it is.

If their own son does not set up visits or pursue a closer relationship, I have no idea whatsoever why you are wasting emotional energy on this. You are creating a problem that does not exist. Your DC are fine - they have a Nan who loves them to bits. They do not feel resentful or jealous. They may never feel that way.

Back off, let your DH take the initiative in all things PIL, and be happy to see them when you see them.

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Musntgrumble2021 · 11/05/2021 14:40

Thanks all. Seems to be a consensus that this is unlikely to change and I should back off which I think I will do (I’ll let go of my image of baking them nice things and arranging fun activities to make them love us! Grin)

They can come to us when needed.

Thanks for the MIL perspective. I think distance is a key in terms of simple explanation but it does run deeper than just that. It is hard for it not to feel personal.

Yes. I think DH will always carry it with him. That was one of the big blow ups - him trying to address their relationship. Took two years to heal enough to see each other. Which on reflection makes me wonder if MIL is avoiding us to avoid the pain of her distant relationship with her son? Avoidance is their ‘go to’ coping strategy when difficult emotions come along.

Any way - it’s not my business and not my family. I’ll support DH if/when it comes around again. I’ll let him organise and sort stuff. I’ll back out. Venting here has helped to let out a bit of the hurt and anger.

Thank you all for replying. Much appreciated Smile

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girlywhirly · 11/05/2021 14:44

OP, make the stay lovely for your DH and DC first and foremost. In light of your later posts, the ILS will never change, they sound deeply dysfunctional.

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