AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

(245 Posts)
user1466068383 Tue 11-May-21 12:32:33

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

OP’s posts: |
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Tue 11-May-21 12:36:25

I would want my dh to go, but I can understand how the quarantine and additional stag weekends then places extra burden on you.

Does he have to quarantine somewhere else? Cant he just come home and quarantine there?

Do you see the adult time evening out somewhat in the future? Or is he the type that wouldnt support you having a couple of weekends away with friends?

PragmaticWench Tue 11-May-21 12:37:17

Weighing it all up, in normal times I'd be tempted to say 'go' to DH, but with the return quarantine it's just too much. If you had local support, or grandparents could come and stay for part of it then maybe.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Tue 11-May-21 12:37:53

He also needs to factor in the added costs of the additional testing he would need before, during and after his trip.

The cost of this alone would mean the trip would likely not go ahead for us as this can run into the hundreds. It would be out with our budget - but you and he may he able to absorb these extra costs comfortably.

PragmaticWench Tue 11-May-21 12:38:15

I'm presuming he can't return-quarantine at home or your DD won't be clear to go to her father's wedding?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Tue 11-May-21 12:39:25

Eldest dd could go to her fathers before OPs husband returns from his trip though?

CornishGem1975 Tue 11-May-21 12:40:28

Hmm it's hard. Is it a place that might end up on the travel list? There's talk of more places being added to it over the next few weeks. That would probably be the biggest factor in it for me.

But in short, I don't think you're being unreasonable but I would probably agree for him to go if it's his best friend and he's meant to be best man. I'd just be sure to get myself a nice long spa weekend booked in with a friend as soon as a could!

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AryaStarkWolf Tue 11-May-21 12:40:30

I can see both sides, neither choice is the wrong choice. If it was me I would probably tell him to go and just suffer on because it's a big occasion for them (not just a weekend away with the lads kind of a thing) but that doesn't mean I'm right and someone who would say no is wrong either

Coldties Tue 11-May-21 12:43:52

Is the amber country on the list that’s an exception for leisure?

If it isn’t then I was told that TUI are cancelling the flights unless proof is provided for work etc. I would assume other airlines are doing the same.

sweeneytoddsrazor Tue 11-May-21 12:46:23

Cant DD go and stay with her Dad the week before the wedding so you only have 1 to look after? I would say to DH go but you owe me further down the line.

Aebj Tue 11-May-21 12:49:04

Does he have to go to the stag parties? Maybe he can give them up in exchange for the wedding

Rainbowqueeen Tue 11-May-21 12:49:18

If he goes on his own can they make space for him in a villa at the last minute rather than booking him a space now? Or could he get his own accommodation elsewhere?
I think it would make more sense to make a decision closer to the time

user1466068383 Tue 11-May-21 12:51:24

PragmaticWench

I'm presuming he can't return-quarantine at home or your DD won't be clear to go to her father's wedding?

@PragmaticWench Exactly. Our custody agreement is that DD stays two weekends a month with her father, and he wouldn’t be able to have her stay with him for the days ahead of the wedding as he has work etc. I don’t want to risk DD being prevented from attending her dads wedding if she does come into contact with DH and he does test positive during the 10 day quarantine.

OP’s posts: |
andivfmakes3 Tue 11-May-21 12:55:30

The quarantine requirement might have changed by the summer - i thought it could be reduced if they have a negative test on returning?

JesusIsAnyNameFree Tue 11-May-21 12:56:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's just too much with the quarantine. I would never even consider spending so much of my time off away from my husband and son. I live for those days with them.
I may love my closest friends but I'm not sacrificing quality time (that we really only get when we are both off work) with husband and son for their weddings.

I do think I'm in the minority though 🤷‍♀️

user1466068383 Tue 11-May-21 12:59:22

@Coldties The country is not exempt - so technically no one should be travelling there for the wedding. I assume a lot of people will be bending this rule over the summer - but it did make me wonder what the airlines would do.
I’m not even sure there’ll be many flights at all, or they may be cancelled. Frankly life would be easier if everyone just feel followed the covid rules, but I do understand that people want to get on with their lives, and I can see this couple are in such a difficult position - if they cancel they’ll loose their whole wedding budget etc. and it’s now very difficult to book a UK based wedding this summer. They’re very in love, have family ties to the country and are so keen to be married and getting on with life - it’s such a tough situation.

OP’s posts: |
BramStoker Tue 11-May-21 13:00:21

I agree with CornishGem - the likelihood of the destination being added to the green list before the trip would be a big factor in making a decision

If there is a good chance if this then I'd be more inclined to encourage my DH to go

Either way I would let my DH make the final decision, I would give my opinion if I thought it was a daft plan but wouldn't be saying "you can't go". It's give and take when parenting small DC with no extra family support so I was always happy to encourage DH do go off for weekends etc as I knew then I wouldn't feel guilty if I wanted to go on a hen weekend or some other trip with friends.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov Tue 11-May-21 13:00:42

He'd only need to quarantine away from you until your exes wedding though would he not? I'd say go for it, but not for a week, and see if there's somewhere he can quarantine on return until your dd is at the wedding .

PlanDeRaccordement Tue 11-May-21 13:02:00

I’d just highlight all your concerns and say something as to give. That if he does the wedding and the stag dos, that leaves no family holiday time or time off for you at all. That you understand the wedding is a priority and you’d like him to go, but what about the stag things? Suggest he not go to them or just make an appearance for a few hours instead of taking whole weekends so that you can have family holiday time.

minniemomo Tue 11-May-21 13:02:52

Quarantine is 5 days then a test to release if that helps. It's a tricky one, it kind of depends where as some may turn to green

JustCatting Tue 11-May-21 13:04:14

Will quarantine definitely be in place by then?

Can DH not just fly out for 3-4 days?

JimBobNoJob Tue 11-May-21 13:05:34

You are no being unreasonable for all the reasons you stated. Especially as it means you won’t get a family holiday.

EmmaGrundyForPM Tue 11-May-21 13:06:50

It's a tricky one. I would say he should go. When our dc were small dh quite often travelled to the US for conferences etc and would be gone for 2 weeks. It's doable although hard work. But I wouldn't agree to the stag do as well. One or the other.

SuperMonkeys Tue 11-May-21 13:09:01

I would say he should go, but I probably wouldn't quarantine from you on return

mindutopia Tue 11-May-21 13:09:12

I think he should go, but not for the week. Dh was best man in a childfree wedding that was abroad (don't get me even started on the concept of childfree weddings abroad hmm ). I couldn't attend obviously as two dc, one of whom was small and bf, as we have no one who could even have dc overnight, let alone for a weekend.

I think if he's going to generally be around and supporting you (this would mean giving the stag do's a miss), then it would be lovely to be there to support his friend, but only for the shortest time possible. If wedding is on Saturday, surely he can fly out Thursday and fly home late Sunday/Monday. I think a week is excessive - though I think a week for a wedding is excessive, COVID or not.

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