AIBU SIL history not quite right

(67 Posts)
madanne Tue 11-May-21 11:29:41

Bear with me, as this may get a bit longwinded. Brother met a woman at work just before covid. She moved back up north. They kept in touch and he left a good job to live with her. I went up to stay with them in the summer. he seemed really nice and they appear to be a happy little family. Over a few drinks, she told me her history. She had had a relationship with an older married man who left his wife for her but his wife was a nightmare and he was mentally abusive and they ended up splitting up but stayed friends. I wasn't too impressed as my husband had left me for another woman but I let it go. Fast forward to this week. The married man has died from covid and she has put a big status on fb with a photo of them together about how she misses him and how special he was. This seems a bit odd to say the least. I spoke to my brother and he was a bit annoyed but he doesn't like confrontation and won't say anything to her. I now work where my brother worked (the main employer in our town). It seems her story is not quite as she said. They all refer to her as the Bunny boiler. She did have an affair with one of the managers. However, she would not leave him alone and would follow him everywhere he went. She tried to stop him from seeing his kids and used to ring his ex-wife when she was drunk. She then had an affair with another married man after that and he ended up leaving the company and moved away because she wouldn't leave him alone when they finished. People said no one wanted to work with her because she was so difficult to work with and caused arguments. My issue is not really that she had these affairs(always 2 sides) but that she is not honest with my brother. He gave up a great job and is now reliant on her completely. It is all her family, her friends. He has only managed to get the odd casual bit of work and relies on her financially. He has only been to see his son once in over a year, saying he has no money (I offered to give him the money but he refused). If this was a girl in this relationship I would be concerned that it was quite controlling. He doesn't appear unhappy but I just don't have a good feeling. The fb post was a red flag for me. Am I being foolish? or should I take more notice of my gut?

OP’s posts: |
ZaraW Tue 11-May-21 11:35:42

He's only seen his son once in a year? That would be my main concern. Why are you blaming it on your brother's girlfriend?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Tue 11-May-21 11:38:54

I felt a bit bad for him until you said he's oy seen his son once in a year.

Youdoyoutoday Tue 11-May-21 11:40:59

If you spoke to him about this, how would he react? Is he likely to listen to you or think you're meddling etc. It also doesn't sound like a conversation to have over the phone either.

You're right to be concerned as it doesn't sound great, especially the FB post of praising her ex, obviously it's sad but she has worded it in an odd way for an ex.

Youdoyoutoday Tue 11-May-21 11:41:55

Also, does he have regular contact with his son at all, video calls etc?

MindtheBelleek Tue 11-May-21 11:41:55

I think you're blaming this woman for your brother's poor judgement. She's the one who moved to another part of the country by herself -- it was his decision to follow her, quit his job in a pandemic, make himself financially vulnerable and only see his son once in a year.

Whether her story stacks up is largely irrelevant.

Shoxfordian Tue 11-May-21 11:42:29

It sounds like you’ve already made your mind up about her, and you seem quite judgmental

He needs to see his son, why should she pay for that? He should be working so he can afford it


theemmadilemma Tue 11-May-21 11:42:50

Your brother is going to rightfully get ripped to shreds here.

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 11-May-21 11:43:28

If he voluntarily gave up a good job and his son for a woman he really barely knew at the time then that makes him an idiot. The fact that his girlfriend’s history is coming as a surprise to him just reinforces that he didn’t know her anywhere near well enough to make such huge decisions.

You’ll have to let him realise his mistake, and be as supportive as you can when it eventually ends.

UhtredRagnarson Tue 11-May-21 11:44:47

He has only been to see his son once in over a year, saying he has no money (I offered to give him the money but he refused).

Your brothers an asshole who thinks with his dick. His child is better off without him.

FilthyforFirth Tue 11-May-21 11:44:56

He is entirely in charge of whether he see's his child or not. Regardless of potential dodgy gf he sounds a deadbeat dad. So no sympathy.

Gazelda Tue 11-May-21 11:46:01


I think you're blaming this woman for your brother's poor judgement. She's the one who moved to another part of the country by herself -- it was his decision to follow her, quit his job in a pandemic, make himself financially vulnerable and only see his son once in a year.

Whether her story stacks up is largely irrelevant.

Yep. He's made choices. He's prioritised his relationship over his son.

You can quietly ask him if he's like to stay with you you for a weekend so he can visit his son, and then gauge whether you think she is exerting control over him.

Is he generally weaker in relationships, open to being controlled? If not, then this is all on him and you should be criticising and judging him rather than her.

toocoldforsno Tue 11-May-21 11:49:19

Your brother chose a crazy woman over his own kid and everything else, he deserves whatever he gets.

InTheNightWeWillWish Tue 11-May-21 11:57:41

I’m always cautious about believing the office rumours about who is to blame in office relationships, especially where one is a male senior manager. A bloke in our office fancied my friend, neither were in management so it was slightly easier to handle, she made it clear that she didn’t fancy him at all. When it came out in the office because he blabbed, she was at fault for leading him on, teasing him. She was a flirt despite saying repeatedly that she wasn’t interested. She should give him a chance. Had it been the other way and she fancied him and it wasn’t reciprocated then she’d likely have been classed as a bunny boiler like your brother’s girlfriend has.

What specific behaviour has she displayed to show that she’s controlling your brother? Rather than your brother just following her blindly.

MishMashMummy Tue 11-May-21 12:00:39

He has only seen his son once in a year?! That is awful. How much did he see his son before? Has he changed from a previously involved dad to a totally absent one? If this is a sudden shift in behaviour I would worry he is in a controlling relationship. Most people don’t go from being good parents to shit parents overnight unless something else is badly wrong.

Imissthegym Tue 11-May-21 12:08:30

So he packed in his job (or gave up his benefits) to move in with a woman he barely knew to play happy families whilst neglecting his own son who he no longer sees and presumably doesn’t pay anything towards his support if he’s got no money?

He deserves everything he gets.

EasterEggBelly Tue 11-May-21 12:13:34

He moved miles away from his son, has only seen him once in a year and your primary concern is a Facebook post?

He alone is responsible for his relationship with his son. You have offered him money to facilitate this and he has declined.

Sorry but she sounds like a convenient scapegoat here. It’s clear two men have previously ‘left’ her. Your brother is also able to if he wishes.

Flugbusters420 Tue 11-May-21 12:16:46

Why did he give up his job? Good dads don't just give up seeing their kids because they "don't have the money". You even offered him money which shows his reasoning is bullshit.

What evidence is there to show she is controlling? Does she stop him seeing his own friends and family? Is he afraid of her?

PragmaticWench Tue 11-May-21 12:17:05

So your DB has given up a decent job where he, presumably, paid for his son's upkeep, and now doesn't work so, presumably, doesn't pay for his son?


2bazookas Tue 11-May-21 12:22:56

If there is one thing my siblings taught me, it was that

A) they were experts at fucking up their own lives
B) I am not responsible for the above

Aquamarine1029 Tue 11-May-21 12:23:54

Your brother had chosen to be a horrible, absent father, quit his job to move for a relationship, and you're blaming this woman? Your brother is 100% responsible for the position he finds himself in.

PriestessofPing Tue 11-May-21 12:24:38

I would also be looking a lot harder at my brothers choices if i were you. Giving up a good job, moving, losing financial stability (and therefore unable to offer his son financial support it sounds like if he can’t even afford to travel) plus only seeing his child in a year? To move in with a woman he barely knew during a pandemic?

That’s outrageously shitty choices to put it mildly.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Tue 11-May-21 12:26:22

What they all said

madanne Tue 11-May-21 12:27:59

i do agree with everyone. He is an idiot but he is my brother and I love him. He speaks to his son most days but he hasn't been back to see him or our mum. This is not like him. He did say the girlfriend had an issue with him seeing his son without her but she is always too busy when he makes plans. I have told him to grow a pair but he seems to have lost any spark. I dont want to push him and then he stops talking to me. I think I will just have to shut up and hope for the best, whatever that may be.

OP’s posts: |
FrankButchersDickieBow Tue 11-May-21 12:29:58

So your brother packed in his job to follow this woman, moved away from his son. If he is out of work - is he paying any child maintenance?

He refused money from you to visit his on for the first time in a year.

Oh my word. What a loser. He's lucky he has someone to support his sorry ass.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in