Am I sulking?

(36 Posts)
Bibbetyboo Mon 10-May-21 22:10:12

DH spoke to me in a way which felt incredibly dismissive and like he had no respect for me.

I mean, I screamed back at him but his whole attitude towards childcare and household stuff is basically deep down that I should be doing everything and if he takes on some childcare stuff (which he has been a lot recently) I feel like I ‘pay’ for it with his constant moaning etc. We both feel completely strung out. Frankly I think I have post baby depression which he has been oblivious to - no joy in anything for months and just feeling angry all the time (but that’s a very common feeling in 2020/2021!).

In the last 2 days I have taken the attitude of I’m just going to behave like I’m a single parent and not rely on him at all. Or cook for him.

He is now in a spare bedroom and it feels a bit like a trial separation. It’s only been a couple of days but I’ve just been not talking to him as much as possible. He said to me tonight how long was I going to carry on sulking for, I said I didn’t know. He said well do you want a divorce I said, well this is sort of a trial separation.

I don’t want a divorce. But our relationship doesn’t feel good at the moment. Don’t know how to fix it either. Don’t know how to go forward except feel the need for a bit of space.

What to do?

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Bibbetyboo Wed 12-May-21 13:15:39

We might have different interpretations of misogyny but I interpret the fact that men and women are socialised to expect women to pick up more of the work involved in families and caring (whether mental labour or actual labour) to mean that most men are that way. That’s my experience based on the sector I work in etc. I’ve also never had a partner or boyfriend that wasn’t the same.

But it’s a bit besides the point anyway. I don’t want to split from him but even if I did frankly, I wouldn’t be after a replacement.

I have my 2 babies and earn enough to be able to pay rent on a small place for us. I don’t need a man. The point of having this one around is so that life is meant to be more fun etc with a partner. It doesn’t feel very fun at the moment but that’s because our kids are small and we have communication or whatever issues that we need to work through.

Frankly, I wouldn’t do better anyway because I’m no prize myself! I might have been 10 years ago but I’m older, fatter and much more bitter than when we got together!

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Shoxfordian Wed 12-May-21 06:00:30

I don’t agree that the vast majority of men are misogynistic. He sounds lazy and you said he was in an earlier post so I’m just repeating what you said. Why do you think it’s ok for one person to opt out of housework or childcare? Did he want a child? Does he live in the house? There’s really no excuse for it.

Yeah there are worse things but there are also better things, doesn’t mean you have to put up with this

Bibbetyboo Tue 11-May-21 22:55:24

A number of really constructive messages explaining how counselling would help and has worked for them - thank you. I will explore.

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Bibbetyboo Tue 11-May-21 22:53:32

@Shoxfordian - you say why stay married to a lazy misogynist? Well:

- I think 95% of men are misog. to a greater or lesser degree.
- lazy - he’s not really lazy, not any more than me. Rare is the person who really wants to scrub the loo when they could just...not, and society will allow them to just get or let someone else do it.
- there are worse things than being those things and no one is perfect.
- risk/ change aversion.

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Bibbetyboo Tue 11-May-21 22:49:35

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I think that’s true but think it’s also true in life. You lose the argument if you lose your temper.

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Iminaglasscaseofemotion Tue 11-May-21 10:37:58

Jfc as soon as anyone raises their voice on mn THEY become the one in the wrong. Sometimes people get to a point where they just lose their temper because they are being treated like shit but this iss MN where no matter what happens you should keep your voice at a talking level and no louder 🙄

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Shoxfordian Tue 11-May-21 06:08:42

He sounds like a knob
Why stay married to someone you acknowledge is a lazy misogynist? Raise the bar a bit

Nitpickpicnic Tue 11-May-21 04:42:21

I think there’s a place for ‘retreating to your corner’ to get some space and consider things, after an argument. I don’t call that sulking.

I’ve never liked that ‘don’t let the sun go down on a disagreement’ thing, because sometimes their face just makes you want to scream and a bit of seperate time (even a couple of days) can be more useful.

There’s worse around than sulking- my STBEX wipes the whole argument from his mind- refutes it ever happened. Cue having the same argument endlessly, and never processing or solving anything in 12 years...

OP I think counselling is the only way forward for you guys. Don’t ask him, just set it up and present it as a fait accompli. Tell him it’s cheaper than a solicitor, and if he doesn’t give it a go you’re walking. Remind him that he’ll have to confirm to everyone, forever, that he let the marriage go rather than have counselling. Ask him if he wants to be ‘that guy’, and what other women will think of it?

andivfmakes3 Tue 11-May-21 03:56:17

You both sound as bad as each other - you can hardly take the moral high ground here when you've screamed in his face, sulked off and giving the silent treatment

MrsTroutfireVII Tue 11-May-21 03:46:50

SpringCrocus

How is she sulking? Really?

He was rude and dismissive to her, she said she didn't like it, he ignored , so she is not cooking etc for him for two days. She is talking to him, just not much. He's gone to the spare bedroom. He came in to her room (where she was with a baby) and turned on the light at night, with a baby asleep in the room, to force conversation OP did not seek or want

Seriously, and SHE is the one sulking? No.

Looks more to me like the man child is upset and having a tantrum, because bad wifey has dared to argue with him.🙄🤔

OP, carry on you are doing the right thing.

Maybe in a day or two sit down with him and have an honest chat, but don't let him brow beat you into submission.

You seem to have omitted the screaming in his face bit.

1forAll74 Tue 11-May-21 03:40:05

You surely don't get divorced for these reasons, you are just going through a bad and annoying patch. that needs to be talked about and discussed between you both.

Bibbetyboo Tue 11-May-21 03:22:40

He is a lazy misogynist but there are lots of them around. He isn’t a dick though.

Fairly messed up parents and their divorce so I can imagine he feels triggered by this too.

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Iminaglasscaseofemotion Tue 11-May-21 03:04:42

Doing everything for him, not you

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Tue 11-May-21 03:04:02

SpringCrocus

How is she sulking? Really?

He was rude and dismissive to her, she said she didn't like it, he ignored , so she is not cooking etc for him for two days. She is talking to him, just not much. He's gone to the spare bedroom. He came in to her room (where she was with a baby) and turned on the light at night, with a baby asleep in the room, to force conversation OP did not seek or want

Seriously, and SHE is the one sulking? No.

Looks more to me like the man child is upset and having a tantrum, because bad wifey has dared to argue with him.🙄🤔

OP, carry on you are doing the right thing.

Maybe in a day or two sit down with him and have an honest chat, but don't let him brow beat you into submission.

I agree. I'm not sure what everyone else is reading, but he sounds like a lazy misogynistic dick. I don't think you are sulking OP. Jist at the end of your tether and need space but can't get it at the moment. He shouldn't be allowed to dismiss your feelings and manipulate you into doing everything for you again by telling you to stop sulking.

Bibbetyboo Tue 11-May-21 02:46:04

I woke up because DD was crying - I don’t think he saw/ read my note. I didn’t want him going to sleep thinking I wanted a divorce but seems he did.

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Sleepingdogs12 Tue 11-May-21 00:25:30

It sounds like it has all got a bit much. It is a new day tomorrow. Can someone have the children and you go out for a walk and have a chat? It isn't about winners and losers, what do you both want to achieve and how can you both build respect ?

SpringCrocus Mon 10-May-21 23:52:00

How is she sulking? Really?

He was rude and dismissive to her, she said she didn't like it, he ignored , so she is not cooking etc for him for two days. She is talking to him, just not much. He's gone to the spare bedroom. He came in to her room (where she was with a baby) and turned on the light at night, with a baby asleep in the room, to force conversation OP did not seek or want

Seriously, and SHE is the one sulking? No.

Looks more to me like the man child is upset and having a tantrum, because bad wifey has dared to argue with him.🙄🤔

OP, carry on you are doing the right thing.

Maybe in a day or two sit down with him and have an honest chat, but don't let him brow beat you into submission.

mainsfed Mon 10-May-21 23:51:35

I agree that you need to talk, but don’t let his threat of divorce force you into conceding and doing the majority of housework/childcare if you’re both working as well.

He could be calling your bluff or saying it to get a reaction to break the stalemate, it’s difficult to say.

therocinante Mon 10-May-21 23:50:40

You're both just... At the end of your tether.

Saying horrible things you probably don't mean in the hopes of getting a reaction from each other because you're not getting what you actually need off each other.

You've made a start in communicating properly with your paper plane.

Now try again tomorrow and tell him: I feel X about work; I am going to see a doctor about PND; when you X I feel Y and I'd like us to do Z to move forward.

Be honest without escalating to get the response you want. Give him space to tell you things you might also not want to hear. Agree on the problems - your mental health, the share of domestic work, not feeling connected, the way you communicate - and think of ways to tackle them together. If he doesn't respond how you hope initially, set the conversation down - "I want to talk about this with you but I can tell you're angry so do you want to talk about this later when you've had time to think about it" or whatever - and come back to it before it just escalates to divorce papers again.

I know this probably sounds really patronising but it's not meant to - it's just that both DH and I are naturally very reactive, childish, shouty, 'low blow' communicators when we're upset. Saying the awful things to get a reaction, storming away, escalating wildly til you can't turn it back or you feel a dick. That type of arguers... Very unhealthy.

It got us nowhere, and we agreed, before we got married, we'd get counselling seperately and then later, together, to learn how to communicate. Turns out our equally fucked up childhoods had made us really poor communicators when we were scared or our boundaries were being crossed, so we had to actually learn how, like kids learning to ride a bike. It's the best thing we've ever done for ourselves and we're MUCH better at tackling big stuff now.

Bibbetyboo Mon 10-May-21 23:41:37

Just to add the kids wouldn’t have been aware of any of it as we have only crossed paths when they were asleep/ not around today. So they won’t have picked up on anything I don’t think.

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Bibbetyboo Mon 10-May-21 23:40:05

@Nevergiveupneversurrender I had started to type out the detail but I bored myself with it and deleted.

I take on board the comments above. I was sulking, I didn’t realise it. I was trying to get him to apologise. Not that it would undo the hurt. He said things that were hurtful precisely because they are things that I worry about.

He is normally kind and he is normally good to me. He is useless around the house and so am I. He is impatient and overwhelmed with the kids and work, and so am I (with work looming anyway).

Have taken a note to him. Attempted to fold it into a flag and somehow failed, turned it into a plane instead...

Now can’t sleep. Life just a bit shit at the moment.

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Nevergiveupneversurrender Mon 10-May-21 23:21:07

You phrased your post in a way that makes you sound very unreasonable. So you must be tired and stressed

Definately Mon 10-May-21 23:12:22

Yes you are sulking. He's pushing you to discuss divorce to try and put an end to it. It's torturous having someone drag out an arguments for days on end. Go and talk to him properly. Tell him how you feel. Ask how he feels. No screaming. Discuss your mood and how you're going to see a GP. Discuss the division of labour and how to make it fairer. Talk about the resentment that is there between you and how to get past it. Go and do it now and make a plan of how to get through this. This isn't unusual when there's a new baby, it's so bloody hard and stressful, but you have to thrash it out because it's not doing the baby any good the pair of you getting on like this.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 10-May-21 22:51:44

Is he nice to you in general?

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 10-May-21 22:47:38

He’s clearly got his faults but you say you screamed at him and are now giving him the silent treatment so you’re behaving extremely badly too. What a horrible toxic environment for a child.

If you’re struggling and think you have PND then you need to seek help. That’s your responsibility as an adult and a parent. You can’t use it as an excuse for treating him like shit.

As a spouse, you need to stop stropping and talk to your husband like a grown up.

Yes, of course you’re sulking. You know how corrosive and cruel being blanked or ignored is so you’re hoping if you keep it up he’ll come and apologise. It’s no way to behave.

Either face up to the issues between the two of you and have a calm reasonable conversation or admit defeat and file for divorce. You can’t attempt a trial separation while you’re living under the same roof and haven’t bothered to tell the other person what you’re doing.

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