Page 2 | Am I sulking?

(36 Posts)
Bibbetyboo Mon 10-May-21 22:10:12

DH spoke to me in a way which felt incredibly dismissive and like he had no respect for me.

I mean, I screamed back at him but his whole attitude towards childcare and household stuff is basically deep down that I should be doing everything and if he takes on some childcare stuff (which he has been a lot recently) I feel like I ‘pay’ for it with his constant moaning etc. We both feel completely strung out. Frankly I think I have post baby depression which he has been oblivious to - no joy in anything for months and just feeling angry all the time (but that’s a very common feeling in 2020/2021!).

In the last 2 days I have taken the attitude of I’m just going to behave like I’m a single parent and not rely on him at all. Or cook for him.

He is now in a spare bedroom and it feels a bit like a trial separation. It’s only been a couple of days but I’ve just been not talking to him as much as possible. He said to me tonight how long was I going to carry on sulking for, I said I didn’t know. He said well do you want a divorce I said, well this is sort of a trial separation.

I don’t want a divorce. But our relationship doesn’t feel good at the moment. Don’t know how to fix it either. Don’t know how to go forward except feel the need for a bit of space.

What to do?

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1forAll74 Tue 11-May-21 03:40:05

You surely don't get divorced for these reasons, you are just going through a bad and annoying patch. that needs to be talked about and discussed between you both.

MrsTroutfireVII Tue 11-May-21 03:46:50

SpringCrocus

How is she sulking? Really?

He was rude and dismissive to her, she said she didn't like it, he ignored , so she is not cooking etc for him for two days. She is talking to him, just not much. He's gone to the spare bedroom. He came in to her room (where she was with a baby) and turned on the light at night, with a baby asleep in the room, to force conversation OP did not seek or want

Seriously, and SHE is the one sulking? No.

Looks more to me like the man child is upset and having a tantrum, because bad wifey has dared to argue with him.🙄🤔

OP, carry on you are doing the right thing.

Maybe in a day or two sit down with him and have an honest chat, but don't let him brow beat you into submission.

You seem to have omitted the screaming in his face bit.

andivfmakes3 Tue 11-May-21 03:56:17

You both sound as bad as each other - you can hardly take the moral high ground here when you've screamed in his face, sulked off and giving the silent treatment

Nitpickpicnic Tue 11-May-21 04:42:21

I think there’s a place for ‘retreating to your corner’ to get some space and consider things, after an argument. I don’t call that sulking.

I’ve never liked that ‘don’t let the sun go down on a disagreement’ thing, because sometimes their face just makes you want to scream and a bit of seperate time (even a couple of days) can be more useful.

There’s worse around than sulking- my STBEX wipes the whole argument from his mind- refutes it ever happened. Cue having the same argument endlessly, and never processing or solving anything in 12 years...

OP I think counselling is the only way forward for you guys. Don’t ask him, just set it up and present it as a fait accompli. Tell him it’s cheaper than a solicitor, and if he doesn’t give it a go you’re walking. Remind him that he’ll have to confirm to everyone, forever, that he let the marriage go rather than have counselling. Ask him if he wants to be ‘that guy’, and what other women will think of it?

Shoxfordian Tue 11-May-21 06:08:42

He sounds like a knob
Why stay married to someone you acknowledge is a lazy misogynist? Raise the bar a bit

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Tue 11-May-21 10:37:58

Jfc as soon as anyone raises their voice on mn THEY become the one in the wrong. Sometimes people get to a point where they just lose their temper because they are being treated like shit but this iss MN where no matter what happens you should keep your voice at a talking level and no louder 🙄

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Bibbetyboo Tue 11-May-21 22:49:35

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I think that’s true but think it’s also true in life. You lose the argument if you lose your temper.

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Bibbetyboo Tue 11-May-21 22:53:32

@Shoxfordian - you say why stay married to a lazy misogynist? Well:

- I think 95% of men are misog. to a greater or lesser degree.
- lazy - he’s not really lazy, not any more than me. Rare is the person who really wants to scrub the loo when they could just...not, and society will allow them to just get or let someone else do it.
- there are worse things than being those things and no one is perfect.
- risk/ change aversion.

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Bibbetyboo Tue 11-May-21 22:55:24

A number of really constructive messages explaining how counselling would help and has worked for them - thank you. I will explore.

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Shoxfordian Wed 12-May-21 06:00:30

I don’t agree that the vast majority of men are misogynistic. He sounds lazy and you said he was in an earlier post so I’m just repeating what you said. Why do you think it’s ok for one person to opt out of housework or childcare? Did he want a child? Does he live in the house? There’s really no excuse for it.

Yeah there are worse things but there are also better things, doesn’t mean you have to put up with this

Bibbetyboo Wed 12-May-21 13:15:39

We might have different interpretations of misogyny but I interpret the fact that men and women are socialised to expect women to pick up more of the work involved in families and caring (whether mental labour or actual labour) to mean that most men are that way. That’s my experience based on the sector I work in etc. I’ve also never had a partner or boyfriend that wasn’t the same.

But it’s a bit besides the point anyway. I don’t want to split from him but even if I did frankly, I wouldn’t be after a replacement.

I have my 2 babies and earn enough to be able to pay rent on a small place for us. I don’t need a man. The point of having this one around is so that life is meant to be more fun etc with a partner. It doesn’t feel very fun at the moment but that’s because our kids are small and we have communication or whatever issues that we need to work through.

Frankly, I wouldn’t do better anyway because I’m no prize myself! I might have been 10 years ago but I’m older, fatter and much more bitter than when we got together!

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