What level of miserable is normal?

[whyohwhyisthishappening]

I have recently taken a promotion at work which has led to more responsibility and more work in general. I really did want the promotion and am happy to have got it but am increasingly feeling overwhelmed and wondering if it was the right choice.

If I stick it out for a year or two and put in a lot of effort, I know I will absolutely reap the benefits. However every night I'm feeling more and more anxious about work and constantly thinking about everything that I need to do. Until maybe a month ago, I would work every single day and would work into the early hours of the morning to keep on top of everything. But even then I wouldn't be able to keep on top of everything. I don't have a team or anyone under me I can delegate to so every single part of my job basically falls to me. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. DH and I have had many discussions about my workload and how little I've been present in family life so I've been doing less to try and have more of a work life balance which has been great. But its also increased my feeling of overwhelm and my anxiety about work.

I have DC and we are thinking of trying again early next year for another. I'm enjoying my time at home much more but as soon as Sunday night rolls around, I start feeling sick and stressing about work. I think daily about quitting and finding a stress free job (I know this perfect unicorn job doesn't actually exist). However I know I am paid incredibly well and after grafting for a year or two, my pay will rocket even further.

I just don't know whether this level of misery is fairly usual or whether it's a sign I should just cut my losses. My industry is fairly large but the company I work for a well known and I would seriously harm my chances of further career progression if I was to leave. I dont know whether I just need to suck it up and deal with it for a year or two to make it worthwhile or whether how I'm feeling is actually worth paying more attention to. For what it's worth, when I'm at work, I don't have these feelings as such. I definitely feel overwhelmed but not as anxious and stressed as I do before going if that makes sense.

DH and I have been talking tonight and we think that most people don't love their jobs and that to get to where they are, lots of well paid jobs require a few shitty years before they become worth it.

I know this AIBU and definitely don't need to be flamed so mine is this. AIBU to stick with a job that's currently making me feel shit to make it worth it a couple years down the line?

[whyohwhyisthishappening]

Ahhhh, I did have paragraphs when I typed it out but they seem to have disappeared...

[Slippy78]

I gave up a £70k job that was making me stressed and miserable. Am now on minimum wage in a job I love and a would never go back.

Most people underestimate the value of a stress-free life.

[Hotcuppatea]

I always give myself a good 3 months to feel comfortable in any new job. I think it just takes that long to get your feet under the table. Give yourself a chance to grow into the job.

In the meantime, keep a notebook by your bed. If you have the same thought going around in your mind, write it down. So sometimes getting it out of your head and down on paper can really help to quiet the mentals.

[Mehoooole]

To some people it would be worth it, to others it would not. I'm in the latter group. I think you only live once and you really don't know how long for and I wouldn't be miserable for years if I could help it and I wouldn't spend ALL my time working especially if I had children. Other people will disagree and say a career is everything. You need to work out which type of person you are. Nobody else's opinion will really help you make that decision.

[MatildaTheCat]

It sounds as if you need an assistant to get the job done efficiently. Working 16 hour days isn’t an efficient way to work.

Can you put together a proposal for this?

[ClareBlue]

Plenty of us do jobs we like or even love. So not everyone hates their work
Feeling like you have described can not be worth whatever pay you get.
What would be the actual impact on you and your family if you gave it up.
What rewards are you seeing from doing it and do they make positive differences
You seems to be looking at this as a step to better things, but do they come with more stress. Will you be burnt out before the next step.
I would only do this if there was a clear goal and the rewards made significant positive impacts on your family life, which is not just bringing more income into the family.

[MrsTroutfireVII]

Most of my reasonably well paid office jobs have been this way tbh. Much prefer being in an operational role now, where I'm pretty much left alone as long as the fleet is running smoothly (and if it doesn't I just speak with the relevant people - mechanics, suppliers, etc).

When I was managing projects/bids/etc, hard work would just end up with me being given the next project earlier (which was already waiting in the pot for the next person to become available). I could never 'get it all sorted' then sit back and watch everything running smoothly like I can now.

[Rosebel]

Do you get a good maternity package? If so and you are planning on having another baby soon I would try and stick it until then.
Once on maternity leave you can start looking for something else, although by that stage you might enjoy your job.

[1forAll74]

It would depend on what kind of person you are,. if you are already feeling anxious and bothered, and stressed about your job, and losing sleep about it, then it will begin to wear you down and maybe affect your wellbeing later. Some people can handle some stressful times, make lots of money and have a good family life too. If you are career and money driven, you have to be prepared for whatever stresses may come your way in the future.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I don’t think there is a level of miserable that is normal in a job. I would generally recommend getting out if your job makes you feel that way. But...

There are a few careers that have developed over time to have a sort of “testing” period that is miserable for a few years (sometimes a fair bit longer). It’s like they think they are weeding out the weak or something, though I don’t agree that’s what it does. Women tend to be poorly represented because men on average, aren’t prepared to support their female partners the same way women support their male partners.

If your career is one of these then I think you just have to decide between you if you really want to be on the other side of that hump. If the grass really will be greener than it may well be worth it (at least for you, your DH, maybe not so much). Can you buy in support to make things easier at home?

[MrsTroutfireVII]

Women tend to be poorly represented because men on average, aren’t prepared to support their female partners the same way women support their male partners.

Women do pretty well in Law though, which is defo one of those careers where you get tested and put upon as a trainee. I think a big part is that women supported by a man are often able to go permanently part time after having kids, but it's not socially acceptable for men to do so and women don't seem to like it either - e.g. likelihood of wife leaving them rockets when bexoming a SAHD.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

@MrsTroutfireVII

Women tend to be poorly represented because men on average, aren’t prepared to support their female partners the same way women support their male partners.

Women do pretty well in Law though, which is defo one of those careers where you get tested and put upon as a trainee. I think a big part is that women supported by a man are often able to go permanently part time after having kids, but it's not socially acceptable for men to do so and women don't seem to like it either - e.g. likelihood of wife leaving them rockets when bexoming a SAHD.

Bit off topic, I mention that only to reassure OP that her currently struggling with the commitment wasn't anything to do with her ability to do the job.

If you want to start another thread on whether men or women play the support role more, I'd happily contribute towards it. I certainly think there's more nuance to it than my quick statement would suggest.

[MSQuinn]

I don’t think it sounds normal. I think it sounds awful. My dh has just started a new job around an hour away. He’s leaving home at 7am as he’s expected in the office just after 8 to be on Teams calls with Australia. He’s spent the entire day in back to back meetings and still has work to do for tomorrow.

What’s the maternity package like? Could you stick it out? But if it’s causing you extreme anxiety you need to think whether it’s worth it. Maybe start looking for something else. Always easier to find a job when in a job.

[Bluntness100]

Generally op rhe first year is learning, the second you start to deliver. How long exactly have you been in the role, what is “recently” exactly.?

[Tal45]

I don't understand people who don't put boundaries in and work all hours. My OH was like this in the past, it didn't get him anywhere except more people dumping stuff on him and assuming he must be happy doing it all because that's what he did, he was totally stressed out a total people pleaser but got no appreciation. Recently he's started pushing back, only doing what he can do in the time he should be working, and declining meetings that are outside his hours, speaking up when he needs help or saying what there isn't time to get done. Instead of behaving like a skivvy his whole way of doing things has changed and he Ironically he won an award for his dedication to the company! Instead of behaving like everyone's skivvy his whole demeanor seems to have changed as a result and he now behave like he knows what he's doing and should be respected for that and not taken advantage of.

I think you've allowed your company to develop completely unrealistic expectations of what you can do in a day. I think it's time to start pushing for some assistance with your role and look to build yourself a team perhaps.