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AIBU?

To want assurance that it will come good for my baby in the end?

70 replies

guiltguiltguilt · 10/05/2021 08:38

Perhaps not AIBU, but posting for traffic so be gentle please!

My DS is now three months old and was born at 39 weeks by section after a difficult birth first time around. His sister was born at 42+2 by EMCS after a long induction. My son has reflux and a clear diastasis - he has had feeding issues.

Since he was born, I have realised that I simply got him out too early. I had hot flushes I didn't have first time round, he had an outie belly button and tiny scrawny little legs with a relatively much bigger head, he had feeding issues. I am wracked with guilt for getting him out early for my own convenience rather than his (partly, due to my experience first time round where the midwives and junior doctors ignored me and pushed vaginal birth until very late on I just didn't believe that if I went into Labour early the doctors would honour the section but also due to Covid and childcare issues 39 weeks was easier than 40). My pre section consultation with a junior doctor was all about mode of delivery and the doctor was respectful but clearly would have preferred me to try a VBAC and her suggestion that I leave him in to 40 weeks to give me a chance of that persuaded me to stick to my guns for a 39 week section. If anyone had suggested him staying in earlier FOR HIM but definitely having a section regardless I really would have done.

He was 8lb 13 at birth, so I was right that he was a decent weight, but I now realise that it's not just about weight. He struggles a lot more than my DD did and we have both had a difficult start as a result. He has dropped centiles. It has been a lot harder managing two kids than it might have been.

I know that I am lucky to have a broadly healthy baby and that other babies are born properly premature, but I can't stop thinking that he was probably born 2-3 weeks early based on how long I carry a baby to term for. I am kicking myself for not doing more research.

Is there anyone else out there who has had an undercooked baby and felt like this? Will it all come good in the end?

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Sexnotgender · 10/05/2021 08:41

39 weeks isn’t premature.

In the nicest possible way delivery at 39 weeks isn’t an issue.

Are you ok Flowers

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AhaShakeHeartbreak12 · 10/05/2021 08:45

I agree with above poster. These things could've happened after 39 weeks. He isn't premature

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andivfmakes3 · 10/05/2021 08:46

39 weeks is considered full term.....in fact 37 weeks is classed as full term for a c section.

In fact going over 42 weeks as you did first time round is much more dangerous and rates of stillbirth have decreased in the UK because the guidelines were introduced that women don't go more than 2 weeks overdue

He was a good weight so can't see how you can say he has scrawny legs? An outie belly button is also not an issue at his age.....

In the nicest possible way I think you are overthinking all of this

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Couldhavebeenme2 · 10/05/2021 08:49


I had the same issues at 41w3d with a vaginal birth, smaller birth weight. 39 weeks is a perfectly acceptable term to be born, and yes, it's harder to deal with a newborn and toddler than with the first who was able to have 100% of my focus.
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guiltguiltguilt · 10/05/2021 08:49

Probably not. Thank you for asking.

It has been a tough start. Jaundice, feeding issues, reflux. I guess he just looks very different to my daughter, who was so robust and so happy by this stage. He looks younger than he is. He has slipped down the centiles (though GP says he is fine and may improve once TT is snipped) and he is just simply less happy - he is on omeprazole, which has improved things for him and he no longer screams and winces all the time (we had two weeks where he just refused to feed due to pain), but he is a tentative feeder.

I suppose I just want some reassurance that things will come good. From people who have been there.

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LouiseTrees · 10/05/2021 08:49

I had an induction at 39 weeks. She’s fine, no issues at all at anything. Any time from 37 weeks is full term. Babies aren’t born to be exactly the same as their siblings, you could have had him 3 weeks later and him be exactly the same. I’m sorry you have had a difficult start but it just is that way with some babies. I think you need to speak to your HV.

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ChairmansReserve · 10/05/2021 08:50

This is an odd fixation. Your baby was nowhere near early. As his weight indicates. 39 weeks isn't 'premature' by any stretch of the imagination.

I never got anywhere near 39 weeks in any of my pregnancies (all 36 or 37 weeks). My sister was born at 34 weeks and my mum at 32 weeks (in 1949!)

Perhaps the fact that your first baby went so overdue is giving you a funny idea of what newborn babies usually look like?

Actually premature babies have all sorts of issues from jaundice to lack of body fat, what you describe is nothing to do with (imagined) prematurity.

It sounds like you need some support and you've fixated on this wrong idea.

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guiltguiltguilt · 10/05/2021 08:52

Thank you all. I don't have a lot of family support and things have been a bit tough. My GP has been amazing, so I will speak to her about how I am feeling.

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user648482729 · 10/05/2021 08:53

I think I know how you feel; I had my DS at 39 weeks by planned section and he’s obviously not premature but I also think he’d have preferred a couple weeks more. He was very very sleepy the first few weeks and there have just been various things that suggested he could have done with a little more time if it hadn’t been medically decided.
However he’s 14 months and he’s fine and those early issues have passed. I remind myself that despite what I think he might have decided to come the day after my planned section anyway and the same for you; you just don’t know and you did what you thought was right at the time. Parenting is full of wondering and worrying if you did the right thing but you can’t beat yourself up when you don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t had your planned section.

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ChaBishkoot · 10/05/2021 08:53

As someone who has a premature baby (at 26 weeks) I think you have to accept that his feeding issues are possibly just that...and not a result of an extra week or so in the womb. I had a full term child with scrawny legs. He's nearly 10 and still has scrawny legs- that's just who he is. He's perfectly healthy, eats like a horse but is scrawny. I think that you have, understandably, had a rough start and you are trying to think of WHY. The same issues may have arisen at 41 weeks. What help are you getting with his feeding issues? Are you under consultant led care?

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LouiseTrees · 10/05/2021 08:53

@guiltguiltguilt

Probably not. Thank you for asking.

It has been a tough start. Jaundice, feeding issues, reflux. I guess he just looks very different to my daughter, who was so robust and so happy by this stage. He looks younger than he is. He has slipped down the centiles (though GP says he is fine and may improve once TT is snipped) and he is just simply less happy - he is on omeprazole, which has improved things for him and he no longer screams and winces all the time (we had two weeks where he just refused to feed due to pain), but he is a tentative feeder.

I suppose I just want some reassurance that things will come good. From people who have been there.

My friend has a baby like yours that she had at 41 weeks. Her baby might initially have been a pain with feeding etc but once things evened out actually has been one of the less cry-ey babies, the first to walk, the first to climb the stairs etc.
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Donotgogentle · 10/05/2021 08:53

I had an elective c-section second time around for similar reasons to you. First baby was induced at 41 weeks and 4 days. C-section for DC2 was at 38 weeks +5 days. After 38 weeks is not considered premature, your baby is not undercooked.

Rationally you must know this is true, the hospital wouldn’t have scheduled a c-section too early. Plenty of babies are born much earlier and are completely fine.

You need to consider why you’re feeling so guilty, nothing whatsoever went wrong and you delivered a healthy (and heavy!) baby. It’s your feelings which are the issue here, not the birth.

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minniemomo · 10/05/2021 08:54

Try and get an appointment with your health visitor for reassurance. 39 weeks isn't early and you had a big baby (mine were 6lb3 and 6lb5 at term no induction!) some develop differently to others that is just normal, please don't worry

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guiltguiltguilt · 10/05/2021 08:56

@user648482729

Thank you. That is just how I feel.

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SunnySpringVibes · 10/05/2021 08:58

I understand this OP. I was induced at 38 weeks and for a long time felt similar. My baby also had feeding issues and I blamed myself for my hypertension which led to the induction (ie I should have stopped work sooner, I shouldn't have gone on that last walk etc. But DS is now 6 months, most of the feeding issues have gone, I had to FF as I didn't have any milk due to the traumatic labour and loss of blood. Which is another thing I blamed myself for.

I felt a lot of guilt and heaped blame on myself. I even blamed myself by saying he's going to hate his birthday date - near a major holiday. I kept wishing I could have held on 1 more week, 3 more days etc. I was diagnosed with PND when DS was 4 months. Started therapy and anti Ds, weirdly what I felt help was to think about all the decisions I took and really consider if I would made a different choice AT the time. The answer has been no every time. I took what I considered to be the course of action (staying in hospital to be induced). You took what you though was the best decision for you and your baby -having a section.

The other poster is right, where I am, you don't go over 40 weeks. The risk to baby and mother is too high.

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October2020 · 10/05/2021 09:04

This is nothing to do with him being 'undercooked'. My baby was born at 32weeks and had none of these issues (but loads of her own).

This is to do with your mental health and how you are coping with a baby with 'issues'. I've been the same and my anxiety fixates on certain issues and tries to find ways to blame myself. For me, I fixate on her head shape, her legs being 'uneven' and her having symptoms of leukemia. NONE of these are real - it's my anxiety. And when I've convinced myself they're an issue, I blame myself for causing them by the way she was born. Which is also not true.

You need support for your mental health. You can be referred to the perinatal team until your baby is a year - ask your GP or health visitor for support. You might also find the birth trauma association helpful for support, or PANDAS have a helpline to talk things through.

You will get through this. Having a baby with challenges is so so hard. This won't feel like this forever x

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TimeIhadaNameChange · 10/05/2021 09:05

My dd was born at 39 weeks, induction. Like your son she had feeding issues and dropped from the 75th to the 4th percentile. By about 9 months she'd zoomed up and now sits around the 95th. From being so concerned she was falling down the centiles that she referred me to the paediatrician my hv now keeps telling me my dd should stop putting on weight and can't believe her earlier worries.

I'm sure your son will be fine.

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Mysa74 · 10/05/2021 09:08

Don't blame yourself op. As the others say the feeding issues probably aren't due to his birth. I'd be pushing for the tongue tie to be resolved sooner rather than later if I were you. If he can't eat properly of course he won't be happy and will drop centiles, if he's taking in too much air with his milk that'll make him uncomfortable too... Good luck!

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ElphabaTWitch · 10/05/2021 09:09

Had a late baby screamed ALL THE TIME. feeding issues, omeorazike, reflux, colic , you name it. Little bugger squeeled every waking moment. Nearly 14lb. It will pass. Nothing to do with being born at 39 weeks. Stop punishing yourself. It gets better.

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BeneathYourWisdom · 10/05/2021 09:15

39 weeks is full term and 8lb a good weight so I don’t think any issues are caused by being born earlier than your other child. Generally doctors don’t like you to go over 40 weeks MAX as there’s a much higher risk of stillbirth (often caused by the placenta not working as efficiently at this stage or the baby’s size compressing the cord and thus reducing the flow of oxygen and nutrients).

I had one at 36.8, perfectly healthy 7lb DD.

I’ve known friends with babies born at 40+ weeks with colic, reflux, jaundice, feeding problems etc so I wouldn’t assume it’s an age of birth thing.

Hope it gets easier for you soon.

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Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/05/2021 09:15

Things will absolutely get better for him. He's not scrawny, he's just a different shape to your previous baby. Also an outie belly button tongue tie and reflcan happe to any baby, and if he's having trouble feeding he is bound to lose weight. Nothing to do with being born at 39 weeks.
Things will definitely improve OP.

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FrozenCucumberPresse · 10/05/2021 09:17

As others have said, 39wk is absolutely full term. Your baby is in no way early, you didn't 'get him out early', you gave birth full term.

I might be totally off here, but there's a sense running through your posts of... you imagined a 'perfect, healthy baby', but you got one with perceived defects, and struggling to come to terms with that. Am I right? Like you're struggling to adjust to the reality that this is the baby you have rather than a copy of his older sibling who you perceive to have been healthier, more robust, more attractive.

Lots of babies have feeding issues, it's extremely common!

I think you really should speak to your GP about a referral for some mental health support, this could be an expression of postnatal anxiety, worrying excessively about things that aren't really problems, or postnatal depression, ruminating and overthinking and feeling down about everything you feel is wrong with him, and blaming yourself as a result. Both of those things are super common and both are very treatable with support.

Your son is absolutely perfect as he is, I know you think things would have been magically easier if he'd been born later as that's the only 'difference' you can think of, the only practical thing you're clinging onto when you imagine having got a baby who was less difficult. But ultimately things happened how they did, you can't go back in time and birth differently, or change the challenges your son has had, you can only go forward. Please do seek some professional help and be honest about what you've told us here

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Rosebel · 10/05/2021 09:18

I was in hospital at 36 weeks with my son and he was born 5 days last by EMCS. I feel this was more or less forced on me by the doctor.
He's had issues with feeding, had jaundice, was admitted back to hospital at 2 weeks old. He's 11 months now and I feel he's behind in his development. He isn't crawling, although he's close and babbles lots but only says a few words. He's done everything late from sitting up to rolling and now crawling. He seems to have a cold all the time and often has, infections.
I spoke to the HV a few weeks ago and she was pretty dismissive. Nursery haven't actually said anything but it's I'm pretty sure they know he's behind.
I know how you feel. I wish I'd been firmer but 37 and 39 weeks are not considering early. I think no matter what we always suffer mum guilt
It sounds like your baby is doing well so you shouldn't feel bad. No matter what you created and are caring for another life and that's a pretty big achievement.

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Iworry2021 · 10/05/2021 09:18

My son was born at 42 weeks last year in August . He's now almost 9 months old and my hot flushes only stopped about three weeks ago.

I think 39 weeks is perfectly acceptable and I think your issues have nothing to do with when he was born.

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Thatisnotwhatisaid · 10/05/2021 09:18

39 weeks is full term as everyone else has said. Plenty of babies are naturally born at 39 weeks and plenty of others born via c-section for all manner of reasons. My two youngest DC were born at 39 weeks and the youngest was 9 lbs 12. They’re both fine.

Your DC’s problems have nothing to do with being born at 39 weeks so please don’t beat yourself up.

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