I was 19 and dating then living with a 33 year old

(149 Posts)
whiteblinds Mon 10-May-21 07:34:34

Shouldn't my parents have at least said something to me? AIBU?

Surely that age gap should have rung some alarm bells?

OP’s posts: |
DisgruntledPelican Mon 10-May-21 07:42:46

It’s not ideal, but how did you meet the 33 year old? Did you have the kind of relationship with your parents where you took advice from them? Would you have listened if they’d expressed concern?

flowers though. I had a short relationship with a smaller but still significant age gap when I was 18 (he was 27) and I think about it a lot.

whiteblinds Mon 10-May-21 07:44:54

He was my driving instructor!

OP’s posts: |
Ughmaybenot Mon 10-May-21 07:45:44

I don’t think that’s actually that bad, and to be honest, at 19, if my parents tried to have a word with me about my choice of partner, that wouldn’t have persuaded me to think their way, and they’d have known that... if anything I suppose it may have pushed me further towards him.
Was it an unhealthy relationship in other ways, and perhaps that’s why you’re focusing on the age gap / feeling like your parents should’ve done more?
Fwiw I started seeing a 35 year old when I was (just turned) 20. It was great fun.

mdh2020 Mon 10-May-21 07:45:57

Honestly, would you have taken any notice of your parents if they had said anything?

beela Mon 10-May-21 07:47:08

I was too, it makes my skin crawl to even think about it now. My poor mother (I wouldn't have listened to her).

Thankfully I saw sense.

SpiesRUs Mon 10-May-21 07:48:08

I agree. At that age not many people worlds listen to their parents and would go the opposite way, as I did at a similar age but with a smaller age gap.

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giletrouge Mon 10-May-21 07:49:50

Did he groom you do you think? The fact that he was your driving instructor makes him seem really dodgy, but only you know if that was the case OP.

Wiredforsound Mon 10-May-21 07:50:46

You were legally an adult. What could they have done? At that age I’d probably have gone out of my way to prove my parents wrong and stayed with him longer just to annoy them.

Gumbo Mon 10-May-21 07:51:10

Similar here... I was 19 when I started dating a 36 year old. I had already moved out of home and had a poor relationship with my parents so certainly would have ignored any input from them. I didn't see any higher wrong with it...although now if my DC did that I'd be horrified!

Jet22 Mon 10-May-21 07:52:22

I agree, I was abused for year's without realizing it from age 19. My parents were happy because he had money and appeared to take care of me.

Rainbowqueeen Mon 10-May-21 07:54:01

I know I would be really upset if my DD was in your situation but I’d also be worried that she wouldn’t listen and I’d just alienate her. It’s a tough one.
I think in your parents shoes I would have tried to get another family member or friend who I knew you respected to say something in the hope you would listen.
If I thought there was abuse though I would have spoken up and taken action.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear Mon 10-May-21 07:54:21

I wouldn’t be happy if my 19 year old daughter (or son) had a relationship with someone that much older but they’d be adults and I’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past with someone who was 10 years older than me when I was teenager where I was cut off from my family and friends so would be anxious that that didn’t happen to my child therefore I like to think I’d be careful what I said about it and how I said it.

Out of interest, what’s your relationship with your parents usually like? Is this the only thing they’ve done that bothers you or is this part of a whole load of other instances?

MrsTroutfire Mon 10-May-21 07:54:25

I think it's creepy but people don't listen to their parents. I'm pretty sure that my mates who were sniffing coke in their late teens would be horrified if their sixth form daughters were to do the same.

HerBigChance Mon 10-May-21 07:55:34

I had a similar gap and I didn't listen to my parents. It was fine, but that was more down to him being a decent bloke, even though we were ultimately incompatible and at very different life stages. When I look back I shudder at how wrong that could have gone in so many ways.

CrazyNeighbour Mon 10-May-21 07:56:07

Because teenagers are so well known for listening to good advice.

The fact you are now trying to shift the blame onto your parents is really unfair.

Can you try to be honest about how open you are to advice and listening to anything you don’t want to hear?

Maybe they took the least worst option of saying nothing and letting you work it out for yourself.

Part of being an adult is the freedom to make shit choices that you either live with, or decide to change your mind on.

Timeforabiscuit Mon 10-May-21 07:56:33

Happened with my best friend, her mum was worried sick but there was not a thing anyone could do about it. I remember her mum asking me what was going on and to talk her out of it - but from naive 18 year old perspective he was a perfectly nice bloke, at least he set off no ick alarms, and she was happy.

She outgrew him after her first year of university.

QuestionableDanceMoves Mon 10-May-21 07:58:55

I was 16 and in a relationship with a 29 year old, my parents tried everything, I didn’t listen and even ran away to be with him.
Makes me feel sick when I think back.

Would you have listened to your parents at 19 if they’d said anything?

4amWitchingHour Mon 10-May-21 07:59:19

There was a 13 year gap between me and my ex - me 21 and him 34. My parents and brother did say something and I ignored them. They were right though, he was an abusive fuck.

Iamsodonewith2020 Mon 10-May-21 07:59:31

My parents met when my mum(17) and my dad (35) worked in the same office. This was more than 50 years ago. Nothing seen as out of the ordinary then at all. She was his secretary until I came along when she was 21. Not a problem in the office either in those days, almost expected my mum said to meet your partner at work! How times have changed!

AmyLou100 Mon 10-May-21 08:01:28

Honestly, would you have taken any notice of your parents if they had said anything

Agree. So many threads here are supporting these age gaps, and posters saying they are adults so can do what they want etc. It's most certainly probable that you would have dated him anyway thinking you knew best.

AuntieDolly Mon 10-May-21 08:03:02

At 21 I was living with a 33 year old man I met through work. Throughly nice, decent chap - just didn't work out. What would you expect your parents to do?

Wiltshire90 Mon 10-May-21 08:04:09

Would you have listened if they had said something? I was in a less than ideal relationship when I was 20-23 and remember feeling hurt and unsupported when my family tried to steer me away. You were a (young) adult and capable of making your own choices, even if they were bad ones. What were they supposed to do or say?

EmeraldShamrock Mon 10-May-21 08:13:18

Yes it is shit when you look back.
You were an adult too living with someone who had a steady job.
Alarm bells would ring but they probably couldn't stop you or get involved.
If it helps I was worse living with an unemployed psychopath who was 38 when I was 18. Sirens and Alarm bells were ringing, my parents tried to stop the relationship and I moved out to be with him.
It still gives me an occasional nightmare.

flashylamp Mon 10-May-21 08:16:25

I don't think it the 'would you have listened' to your parents is relevant. I was in a not too dissimilar situation when i was 17-19 and nobody tried to stop or help me. That hurt more as an adult when I began to see the 'relationship' for what it was, than the actual situation itself.

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