AIBU to be hating my child?

[byathread20]

My DS is 4 and has what I believe to be undiagnosed autism. Strong family history including his older sibling.
Truth is, I find myself wishing I had never had him. I know how that sounds and I hate myself for it but he is so spiteful, unreasonable and just generally unpleasant to be around. He splits our lips on a regular basis, has given us black eyes, has broken £££‘s of our belongings. He doesn’t respond to behaviour techniques and joke of it is, in my line of work, I am very confident in these strategies.

He is making his sibling’s life miserable to the point where they recently said they wish he’d never been born. I just don’t understand it, he can’t enjoy being like this either, surely.

I have asked for support for whoever will listen: HV, GP, child development centre, social services. All I’ve been told is “in your line of work, you know what you’re doing with him. You’re doing a good job.” Clearly I’m not given how violent he is!

He’s had a stage one assessment for autism but they said as he’s so friendly, it’s unlikely (which is rubbish as was told sake about older child and they received a diagnosis some years later once school picked up on issues.)

I had a call from SS after I self-referred from help and they literally sent me some links through for autism support (even though he doesn’t have a diagnosis) and a link for a local care charity that can fit door alarms. (We’ve had to put locks on kitchen door as he turns oven on in the middle of the night and had locks fitted on windows as he gets out onto the roof if left alone for more than a couple of minutes).

I found the HV infuriating as she said “clearly you just can’t leave him alone at all.” He took a knife out the drawer and tried to cut a melon open when I ran upstairs (literally ran) to have a wee.

I don’t have a second to myself except for work but I dread every weekend as it’s always the same.

Sorry for the long post but hugely struggling with him. Of course I love him but I genuinely feel that I cannot cope with him anymore.

Please can anyone offer any pearls of wisdom?

[ThePearSquare]

Oh OP I’m so sorry, you sound very overwhelmed. I have no pearls of wisdom, but I didn’t want to read and run, I hope others come along to help in some way.

[An0n0n0n]

Can you appeal for respite assistance? You are doing your best. Obviously you wouldnt want to give him up but if you raised it as somewhere your mind is going then Social Services may consider additional assistance to help manage your circumstances? Xxx

[funnylittlefloozie]

Go to social services, say you cannot cope with him and want him taken into care. Its drastic, but if you genuinely hate him and can't cope, its the best option.

Or... demand help. Cry at them if you have to. It sounds truly awful, and I do genuinely sympathise, but if he is that difficult, you absolutely need help.

[byathread20]

@An0n0n0n after he smashed my coffee cup against the door this evening, I found myself googling how to give your child up for adoption and then felt so dreadful that I sat in the bathroom and cried. I hate this so much. I have spent time with pregnant friends and they all talk excitedly about having babies and I just feel jealous that they will probably have lovely children. So immature I know but my mind is literally hanging by a thread.

@ThePearSquare thanks for the acknowledgement. I was so scared of posting for being faced with an onslaught of “your poor child, you’re a horrible mum.”

[byathread20]

@funnylittlefloozie

I’m so scared of saying anything I can’t take back. I don’t want to give him up, I would never do that to a child but I can’t carry on like this. I used to have a history of self-harm in my teens and literally sat in the bathroom with a blade this evening trying to battle against doing it.

[Lottielovescake]

Is there anything going you can do to get more support OP? Wrap around care?

[Hankunamatata]

Is he in school/nursery?

[CirqueDeMorgue]

It is hard. My 8yo is autistic and he is a different boy to his 4yo self. I agree with pp about demanding help and being completely honest about how you feel. Also, my 9yo really didn't bond with his brother until fairly recently and that seems to have come about as he's grown to understand him more. Maybe for your little boy's siblings, Young Carers would be helpful?

[KarmaIsAnAngel]

YANBU at all. You’re in an incredibly difficult position and trying your absolute best, I honestly can’t imagine the strength it takes to get up and keep going every day while having to cope with this. You’re not a shit mum, you’re dealing with a very difficult situation and trying your hardest. You can love your child and feel like you dislike or hate them at the same time, emotions are complex things!

As hard as it sounds you may have to let things reach crisis point to get anywhere. As in, ring social services and tell them you don’t think you can safely care for him in the home anymore, it’s too dangerous for him, you, and another child in the home who deserves to be safe too. Ask to explore respite care urgently. Demand, demand, demand help and tell them if they can’t help you’re going to have to explore adoption. Sounds extreme but your mind is going there already, this is unsustainable and the more you keep it together the more they’ll be able to wash their hands of you because you’re coping.

I know that’s not what you want, you want to be able to find ways to care for your child and his behaviour be manageable. But I don’t think you have pulled out the big guns yet it seems. You shouldn’t have to do this to get help, it’s downright wrong. But it’s the system, and only the most severe cases get any support. And this clearly is that, even if processionals aren’t recognising it yet.

Is he at school yet? If not then I hope if you can cope until he starts school you might have a new host of options and professionals involved. Maybe I’m being naive. Just really hope you can find a way forward, you’re doing so much here and you should be kind to yourself, not many could cope in your shoes

[DeeplyMovingExperience]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Nobody ever knows who they will get when they have a baby. You are not alone. It's not your fault.

You need help, and you need it fast. I really hope you can access family support and respite. Hang on in there.

[CirqueDeMorgue]

Sorry, just seen 'undiagnosed.' I don't know how to go about pushing for a diagnosis but I think a diagnosis would be very useful of course.

[baldafrique]

You need to push for another ASD and/or ADHD assessment. He is clearly neurodiverse and you need that diagnosis to get more support. Dont be fobbed off. This is unsustainable. How does your DH find things?

[Vallmo47]

I’m so sorry OP. I have no experience but grew up with an older brother who has severe mental health disorders. Your children may say these things in the heat of the moment but they fiercely love their sibling and know it’s not by choice he struggles. As for what to do, I honestly couldn’t tell you. Take it one baby step at a time and keep asking for help. 💗

[baldafrique]

(Other differential would be attachment disorder - anything significant occur in his very early years e.g. separations, traumas, major family stresses?)

[KarmaStar]

for you op,I've got no answers but didn't want to read and run.You've had years of this and you're at the end of your tether,time to make a lot of noise until you get heard.
I really hope you get some hands on help very soon.🌈

[Chillychangchoo]

YANBU. You need to get the ball rolling for a diagnosis though.

I work with adults who are autistic in supported living. Love my job but after a long shift I am so drained. I often think of parents who must be at breaking point with their kids. Must be very tough.

[KarmaIsAnAngel]

@Vallmo47

I’m so sorry OP. I have no experience but grew up with an older brother who has severe mental health disorders. Your children may say these things in the heat of the moment but they fiercely love their sibling and know it’s not by choice he struggles. As for what to do, I honestly couldn’t tell you. Take it one baby step at a time and keep asking for help. 💗

This isn’t necessarily true. We have no idea how OP’s other child feels about their younger brother. It’s entirely possible for siblings to hate and resent each other deep down. I know you’re trying to make OP feel better but honestly, most children aren’t experienced or mature or introspective enough to recognise their sibling’s behaviour isn’t a choice. By nature children think about their own experience of the situation and how it affects them. It would be unfair to expect what you describe from a child living with a violent aggressive destructive sibling.

[Pinkypink]

No advice. But so sorry for the terribly difficult situation you are in.
You do not sound like a bad person. You sound like a lovely person who is broken and drained.
So sorry and really hope someone has some good advice or can direct you to getting some support.

[Lindylou2703]

YANBU in any way shape or form. It may not feel like it but you are doing amazing. I agree with others, you need support (like anyone in your position would). Cry, scream, kick off, do what you need to be heard. I am so sorry. I can't imagine it. Hopefully things will get better as he gets older and you get the help you need xx

[minipie]

Huge sympathy OP

I will echo the PP who said their child at 8 is totally different from their child at 4. My DD has a different condition not autism but her behaviour has got so much better and generally managing her has got so much easier. The big improvement happened around age 5-6, around y1 of school.

How does he sleep? If sleep is an issue then that will have a big impact on behaviour.

[Cobb121]

Sending hugs I have 2 autistic sons so know how hard it is it.

We’ve recently started getting respite which is a lifesaver, definitely contact social services for a carers assessment.

Is he starting school
In September? Hopefully they will be able to help you with a diagnosis and extra support.

[TragicRabbit]

You’re in the exact same situation I was in. My ds is 16 now but when he was 4 -6 I was beside myself. I phoned everyone I could, begged for help, and also reached out to mumsnet.
I was advised by the doctor who had assessed him for autism (but refused a dx) to put him in care as I clearly couldn’t cope. I didn’t. I took one fucking hard day at a time, exercised, drank too much, cried a lot, researched, researched, researched. I grew a really tough skin and chose to help him navigate through his childhood.
He turned out to have PDA. He was violent, frightening and absolutely nothing that anyone ever recommended worked until I started using PDA techniques with him.
I’m not saying that that is what your little boy has but it does sound like he’s in distress and maybe something a little less conventional is needed.
Just to give you a point of hope, my ds is due to start college in September. He’s funny, very empathetic and intelligent.
Take one day at a time. You do not have to do this alone. You are stronger than you think. His potential is incredible.
You are incredible. You’ve got this 💐

[Cantrecall]

Yadnbu

[Tal45]

Take pictures of your injuries, video him without being obvious when he's having a melt down and use this as evidence, write down everything since birth that suggests autism - read up on it if needs be. Go back to your GP with lots of evidence and ask to be referred again. Being friendly is absolutely irrelevant to an autism diagnosis, nowhere on the criteria is freindliness mentioned, it might even be a sign if he is overly friendly with strangers. Having a sibling with asd is a strong case in itself, they're just trying to fob you off the bastards. xxx

[byathread20]

Thank you all so much for your kind words, you’ve all brought me to tears with how understanding and empathetic you all are.

To answer a few questions:

He is currently in nursery and due to start school in September however nursery is a playgroup so a huge room with loads of toys in which he can just play all day so they don’t experience many difficulties with his behaviour as he plays alone with his own choice of toys.

He was referred for a review of school starting regarding support he may need. He was born with a cleft lip and palate and has a very rare genetic condition, diagnosed at birth. His speech and language is good but he has been referred for grommets. They feel he will be able to cope at school without an EHCP but only time will tell.

My husband is beside himself too. He spends most evenings crying once we put my son to bed. He is on melatonin which we purchase online (we have told the professionals this) as he will only sleep for 4-5 hours per night. Obviously being sleep deprived isn’t helping with out wellbeing either.

We have to know where he is every second which is obviously stifling for him but as soon as he is unsupervised, he is up to no good (climbing out of windows onto the roof, flooding the bathroom, pouring perfume down the toilet etc) it’s all completely destructive.

He is so malicious to his sister. If he gets told to stop doing something by us, he will take it out on her by pulling out a lump of her hair or slapping her in the face. He knows it gets to us. We get told to ignore unwanted behaviour but his is so severe that we can’t ignore it because he’s a risk to himself and to others.

He punched me so hard in the face last week that he knocked a crown out and damaged the root of my tooth so can’t be fixed.

SS said they were going to call me in a week to discuss the resources they’ve emailed me so will reinforce all of the things you lovely lot have suggested.

I absolutely hate feeling like this and was so certain this morning that we would have a better day. We went to the shops, treated to the odd colouring book etc and then walked past some trampolines in the town centre and he threw such a wobbly that we couldn’t take him on them that he started kicking us, biting us and spitting on us in the middle of the street. I just don’t know how to help him because he must hate this too but his cognition is not great so I don’t seem to be able to explain to him that we don’t want him to behave like this.