To stop my dd from seeing her bf

(376 Posts)
lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 21:51:09

Dd is 14 nearly 15. She has a bf of the same age who at first was charming, sweet and kind to her. I allowed them to hang out together at our house and he sometimes stays over. I know not everyone agrees but in my opinion it was better to have them where I could see them.

Fast forward 6 months and there are loads of very worrying things happening. First I discovered he has been expelled from 4 schools for fighting and violence.

He is also very controlling and has called her screaming and ranting at her for example when she went to hang out with a group of mixed boy and girlfriends in town the days after the two of them broke up. Dd says this was her fault as of course it made him jealous and she shouldn't have done it.

He keeps her hanging on to confirm plans, last night she was at a friends house and he said he might see her but didn't show until 11.30pm. She dropped everything and left with him to come back to my house but on the way he decided she was "annoying him" and he just left her on a deserted road 20 minutes from home at midnight. She called me very scared and crying and I had to keep her calm whilst she made her way home. It was terrifying for both of us.

I've had long talks and heated words with her telling her I think he's abusive and that I don't want her to see him but she just points out all the nice things he does and says I don't understand their relationship and that's all the times he's been cruel it's because she's deserves it. I've explained that even the worst most abusive men can be the kindest amd most charming when they want or need to be but she just says I have nothing good to say about him and don't know the real him.

On top of this she is suffering from anxiety and refuses to go to school most of the time. They are looking in to putting her in to a PRU but guess who goes there too... yup. She took an overdose last month after she found he had spent time with a girl at his house and "did stuff" with her although it was also related to the fact she didn't want to go to school the next day.

Everything in me is telling me to not let her see him anymore. But I'm so scared that she'll go underground and see him anyway. Away from the house where I can at least protect her in some way. She's very head strong and there's no way she'll comply.

But if I let her see him I know I'm not protecting her.

This is all causing huge rows between me and her and having an effect on our relationship which I know is what abusers want.

I don't want to play in to his hands, push her closer to him and have her left feeling like she has no one to turn to when things are bad.

I'm sat here sobbing not knowing what the hell to do for the best.

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lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 21:51:52

They're about to arrive back at my house and honestly I can't bare it.

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Stompythedinosaur Sat 08-May-21 22:01:10

He sounds awful and I wouldn't be condoning or supporting their relationship in any way.

I also think 14 is way too young to be condoning a sexual relationship though, I would be saying no staying over until she is a little older.

lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:01:40

But how do I go about "not condoning" it without pushing her away and underground?

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isittimetogotobed Sat 08-May-21 22:02:16

Oh dear this is tricky as you don't want to make him more appealing if it's all ‘forbidden’
But this is not a healthy thing for her.
Teeagers are so hard, much harder than toddlers that's for sure.
I think you need to break down the issues.
Poor mental health
School issues
Bad boyfriend
If you can support her with the mental health and try to keep her on in mainstream school I think this would be better? Even if its a part time timetable. I think you might want to ask the school for an early help assessment and plan of support

lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:04:28

Yes school are involved and CAMH too but help is so thin on the ground the counselling is months away and all the school seem to do is tell her to "try" to go in. I'm hoping the counselling will help her to work through her attitude towards this boy but mental health services seem so lacking

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lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:05:30

I've tried to ask her how she's feel if she saw me in a relationship being treated like this but she can't seem to understand

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Hankunamatata Sat 08-May-21 22:06:45

Start putting some gentle boundries in place. Curfew of 10pm to be home. He can visit but must go home by 10pm weekends, 9pm school night.

lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:08:20

I wonder if that might start to push him away actually. Without the offer of a warm bed and somewhere to go maybe it'll seem less appealing to him and he'll just fuck off.

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Hankunamatata Sat 08-May-21 22:08:47

www.childsvision.co.uk/what-we-do1/freedom-programme/
Teen version

lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:09:25

But she'll rebel against any boundary I try to put on place. I don't want her staying out Kate breaking curfew to see him and being even less safe

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Hankunamatata Sat 08-May-21 22:09:47

I'm thinking with boundries then its not like your telling her not to see him but just giving her some healthy space.

Hankunamatata Sat 08-May-21 22:10:38

Talk to her. Ask her to try it for a couple of weeks?

Redwinestillfine Sat 08-May-21 22:12:52

It sounds tough op. 14 is very young to be out until midnight. You are perfectly within your rights to ask her to come back much earlier. Tread carefully on the relationship but maybe do stuff with her in the evenings, knock the staying over on the head, support her in calling him out when he behaves badly. Involve school I all the red flag behaviour. Keep up educating her on what good relationships look like. Hopefully she will get bored of him soon.

dalmatianmad Sat 08-May-21 22:13:25

I can't get past why you thought it was ok to let home stay over?

Why is she allowed out until 11.30pm and then wandering the streets? Couldn't you go and pick her up yo ensure she was safe?
The whole thing sounds a mess. This kid needs boundaries ASAP. Stand up and parent her properly

dalmatianmad Sat 08-May-21 22:13:59

*him stay over

lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:14:41

@Hankunamatata thank you, I have filled in the referral form

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Gymsmile21 Sat 08-May-21 22:14:48

It’s a tricky situation and your destined to be on the loosing team.

If she wants to play adult then that’s fine, but she has to take what comes with it. No more things like over dosing. More effort to get to school, even though that’s hard etc.

Just wait for him to break her heart and be there the best you can to pick the pieces up. It will happen you just need to wait it out.

Lollypop4 Sat 08-May-21 22:15:37

Awful.
I'd go with the rule set above - out by 9pm.
What are his parents like?
You could speak to them and tell them exactly what their son is doing to your DD.
Can you pay for Counselling yourself

lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:16:57

@dalmatianmad she was at a friend's house and staying there. She left and went out because he came round to get her then they made their way back here. I would never let her out at midnight.

I feel very much like I'm not parenting her properly. I just don't know how to go about that without pushing her away and making things worse.

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lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:17:11

I also don't drive

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LaCerbiatta Sat 08-May-21 22:18:33

Hankunamatata

Start putting some gentle boundries in place. Curfew of 10pm to be home. He can visit but must go home by 10pm weekends, 9pm school night.

I think that's really late, maybe I'm over protective but I wouldn't let my 15 yo be out until 10pm... Obviously ok for a sleepover or maybe a bday party if I was then picking her up but in no way with the possibility of her making her way home at that time. Maybe I'm over protective..

Gilead Sat 08-May-21 22:19:07

Enrol her in the online Freedom Programme.

lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:19:10

I can't pay for counselling, I am a single parent on benefits (Health related).

I don't know his mum but it's well known that she beat him for many years, apparently doesn't any longer. And isnt from what I can tell an engaged parent in any way

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lanatolater Sat 08-May-21 22:21:37

I don't allow her out after dark on her own. The agreement always was that she could be out until 10pm if she was with people. At first when he was lovely I was pleased he could walk her home and felt she was safe that way to stay out until 10. Now I don't feel thats safe so I've gone back to the rule that she has to be gone before dark even if she is with him.

But they're out together now and she refused to come home despite me calling her plenty of times and telling her to come home.

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