Moral Dilemma

(425 Posts)
freerunner75 Sat 08-May-21 15:56:03

My partner and I have been together 12 years. Both married previously, my marriage ended horrifically, my husband blew a tonne of my savings and left me in £25k debt. My partners marriage was similar, his ex left with an extremely large settlement.

We moved in together to a rented place with a view to buying something together. His marital home was sold to settle the divorce agreement, but he had one other property in his name at the time which he kept and rented out. The house we now live in - was bought at an extremely low rate from family. I had no say in this and was not given the option to be a part of it as he classes it as his 'inheritance' and is protective over the equity given what happened with his divorce. I pay half towards the bills and we have both designed and improved the house since we have been here - i have paid for only soft furnishings and a few bits of furniture as I earn a lot less than him and most of my money goes towards the bills and my kids. The house we live in has tripled in value since we have been here and made improvements.

So, we are not married, no mortgage together, no life insurance for each other, nothing. Together 12 years.

The whole lack of financial security is a big issue to me and has caused us endless arguments over the years. But he won't budge. Recently we had a huge bust up and I was looking into my options but they are few given my current situation and budget limitations.

Am willing to take a bashing on this - however am I being unreasonable to request for him to set aside some money for me in case our relationship does break down irretrievably so that I have a safety net? I was thinking perhaps £1000 per year for every year we have lived together - signed and agreed by both and by a solicitor so we both know where we stand?

I am currently earning more than I have for a while and am starting to be able to save again - but my biggest concern is that if we do finish.. i am out on the streets with nothing to my name despite contributing for years... yet he is sitting pretty. I know it sounds bloody awful, but it would take a lot of stress off me and our relationship and I don't think I am being unreasonable.

But I am expecting to be told that I am..... thoughts please.

OP’s posts: |
toucantoucaninatree Sat 08-May-21 16:02:54

I'm slightly confused, are you now living in the property that he owns or a different rented property?
If it's the one that he owns, do you pay him "rent"?
Do you have children together?
Are you going to get married at any point?

meditrina Sat 08-May-21 16:03:17

I'm afraid that by not being married, and by not being a co-owner of the property, you are high an dryy..

You have no right to a settlement on separation, and only you can judge what sort of reaction your DP would have if you did put a proposition of that kind to him.

But you are absolutely right that you need to re-establish some financial independence. All your savings to you now.

Do you still have receipts which detail how much money you put into items for his house?

Have you been living rent free? If so, what happened tomtthe money you would otherwise have had to pay in rent? I'm guessing you didn't save it in your own name.

Do you have a pension?

CoRhona Sat 08-May-21 16:04:09

When did the 'view to buying something together' stop being a reality?

iseefarts Sat 08-May-21 16:05:40

Did you put any money into the purchase of the property?

Is there a mortgage that you pay towards, or do you just pay bills?

In theory you are renting. You're not legally entitled to anything by the sounds of it.

WellLarDeDar Sat 08-May-21 16:05:52

Are you saying you want him to sign a contract forcing him to give you 12k if you break up... and you're not married? I find that completely bizarre.

DPotter Sat 08-May-21 16:07:37

Well - you could ask but, and it's a big but, are you prepared for the fall-out if he says no, and / or takes umbrage at being asked. And from what you have mentioned about previous attempts at reasonable conversations, I don't think he's going to react well.

Legally you have no standing on the house or his savings, pensions etc. It's really down to you to build up savings and pension. I'm not sure about the legality, but could you take out a life insurance on his life that you pay for? Of course that will only cover if you live longer than he and if you don't split up. You could encourage him to make a will which is always a good idea but of course that doesn't guarantee he will make provision for you and again it only comes to mean anything if he dies before you.

In all honesty I think your time and emotional effort would be better spent building up your own financial position.


Mistressinthetulips Sat 08-May-21 16:07:51

You could take out life assurance policies at the very least. Clearly he has been "stung" before but you could have many, many years together and then be slung out on your ear at any point? That's no good.

araiwa Sat 08-May-21 16:08:03

Holy fuck

AmyLou100 Sat 08-May-21 16:08:10

Op sorry to say that you haven't learnt from your first bad experience. Yes he could pretty much kick you out and all you would have is your soft furnishings. Why would you not have ensured security for yourself this time around? You are contributing half to something you have no claim to.

PlanDeRaccordement Sat 08-May-21 16:09:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

meditrina Sat 08-May-21 16:10:57

Recently we had a huge bust up and I was looking into my options but they are few given my current situation and budget limitations

It rather sounds as if she wants him to agree to give her £12k just before she tells him she's off.

Only she can tell if he's so gullible he would do this. OP might be better establishing if she can recover any money she put into home improvements or can sell any items she bought.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 08-May-21 16:11:35

What are you doing with your money if you're paying no rent or mortgage ? confused

Isn't your bills a couple of hundred a month? Do you get maintenance from your ex for your kids?

RainbowBriteUk Sat 08-May-21 16:12:56

It is so wrong. Your poor DH! He's done nothing wrong! I'll have him and charge him nothing! Send him over here!

VodselForDinner Sat 08-May-21 16:13:01

Please ask him and give him a draft document. Seeing it written down in black and white might give him the shock he needs to continue protecting himself.

If I’ve read it right, you’re currently paying no rent to keep you and your children housed.

What’s stopping you buying your own property from the money you’ve saved on rent, renting it out, and using the equity in that in the future?

ThatIsMyPotato Sat 08-May-21 16:13:42

Don't buy anything else for shared use/the house and save every penny you can in your own name

UserAtRandom Sat 08-May-21 16:14:46

It sounds like you haven't actually contributed towards the house if you have only paid bills and bought soft furnishings and furniture (which you would be able to take with you if you did split up). So essentially you living rent free? I don't think your partner has any obligation - moral or otherwise to give you a lump sum if you split up. If you hadn't been together, you wouldn't be in any better a place surely?

araiwa Sat 08-May-21 16:16:00

£1000 a year plus free house and share of bills for you and your kids. Fucking lol.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl Sat 08-May-21 16:16:23

It sounds like he learned a lesson from his first marriage but you haven't.

I'd forget him and his assets and concentrate on saving every penny you can for you and your children.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 08-May-21 16:16:30

I had no say in this and was not given the option to be a part of it as he classes it as his 'inheritance' and is protective over the equity given what happened with his divorce

Of course you did. Please own something agency here.

You knew he didn’t want to get married, you’ve benefitted from his inheritance in lower living costs and not having to fund the roof over yours and your children’s heads.

Are the children his or your exes?

You can ask him to put aside some money for you but he’s unlikely to agree. Why would he?

You’ve been extremely foolish.

ThatIsMyPotato Sat 08-May-21 16:17:09

Are you able to get a better paid job? I think you've had it quite good as you and your kids have been housed for free and only paid bills. I would suggest leaving if you are looking for someone who wants to get married though. Why did the buying somewhere together not happen?

MayorGoodwaysChicken Sat 08-May-21 16:17:36

Recently we had a huge bust up and I was looking into my options but they are few given my current situation and budget limitations

So you’re basically admitting that he funds your existing life, if you can’t afford to leave him. But you expect him to fund you if you break up as well confused What have you been doing with all your money while not paying rent or mortgage? Have you been working? You had choices, you could have set yourself and your kids up as financially independent after your first horror relationship break down. He has been sensible and learned his lessons and looked after himself. I don’t understand why you see yourself as entitled to what he has had from his family and his work?

Justmuddlingalong Sat 08-May-21 16:18:31

It seems like he's learned from his previous financial experience. He's been stung badly before and is unwilling to be taken a lend of again. I can see his thinking and would do the same.

Blossomtoes Sat 08-May-21 16:21:26

but my biggest concern is that if we do finish.. i am out on the streets with nothing to my name despite contributing for years..

And this is what happens to women who don’t protect themselves financially. It’s what MN warns women about again and again.

MiddleClassProblem Sat 08-May-21 16:22:45

If you weren’t with him, wouldn’t you be paying more? Rent/mortgage plus full bills, kids etc?

Surely the problem is you can’t afford to be independent and that’s what you should focus on.

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