To expect woman to not pop in to see DH at work

(92 Posts)
Padmail Sat 08-May-21 14:31:09

I thought a woman and my DH were getting a bit too close. DH and I had a major falling-out over it. In the end, DH agreed to cut ties with the woman. AIBU to expect the woman to not pop in to see DH when he's at work when there's some major local gossip she wants to talk to him about?

OP’s posts: |
DeathStare Sat 08-May-21 14:34:36

I don't think theres anywhere near enough information for anyone to answer that. Are/were they friends? Does she know you banned them seeing each other? Does your DP want to stop seeing her? What's his job and does his boss mind?

I would say though that if you need to ban him from seeing other women - whether you have genuine reasons not to trust him or not - your relationship is doomed.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 08-May-21 14:34:54

Well, he hasn't cut ties with her if she's still popping in at his work, has he?

HilaryBriss Sat 08-May-21 14:37:02

Where does he work? I mean if he works in a shop then I can't really see an issue, she could be going in anyway. If he works in an office/factory or similar, then it's odd.

Padmail Sat 08-May-21 14:39:50

She knows damn well that circumstances surrounding her brought us to the brink of divorce. I suspected EA but DH strongly denied. Maintained that they were just friends. I never banned him. He came to the decision himself that it would be best to sever ties with her. I nearly had a nervous breakdown over the event. He had to explain the situation to her because he had to get something back from her which he'd given her.

OP’s posts: |
Dishwashersaurous Sat 08-May-21 14:41:30

Well he clearly hasn't explained to her that he is unable to see her anymore because of your concerns

WorraLiberty Sat 08-May-21 14:42:40

Where does he work?

In a shop? In another public place?

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ComDummings Sat 08-May-21 14:42:57

Do you think he’s still encouraging this contact? If not then surely she’s stalking him if he’s made it clear he wants nothing to do with her.

PegPeople Sat 08-May-21 14:45:26

WorraLiberty

Where does he work?

In a shop? In another public place?

This is what I was wondering. Ii cannot see it being somewhere like an office especially with Covid restrictions still in place so if its a public building like a shop surely he cannot ban her from coming in?

Padmail Sat 08-May-21 14:47:27

It's not the sort of place where you'd just happen to go in, like Tescos. It's not privately secure either, not like an office. She'd be making a special trip to pop in as she could easily avoid it if she was bothered about my feelings. He's definitely not encouraging contact. Maybe he didn't explain it properly to her. If it had been me in her shoes I would have taken the hint that the wife had concerns and I would have just walked away - there are plenty of other friends you can gossip with. Why antagonise the situation? I just feel better then she pops up again.

OP’s posts: |
ThatIsMyPotato Sat 08-May-21 14:49:19

Yes. It isn't your DH's fault though if she turns up. He can't run away from his workplace. I assume he has told her to leave him alone?

TakeYourFinalPosition Sat 08-May-21 14:49:51

He had to explain the situation to her because he had to get something back from her which he'd given her.

So he told her that you didn’t want contact?

He clearly didn’t say he thought it was inappropriate and didn’t want contact, or she wouldn’t be popping in to talk to him, she wouldn’t think he’d be interested.

It doesn’t sound like he’s in agreement with you that the contact should stop. He’s stopped it, but it sounds like he’s hidden behind you as the reason why, and that’s created this weird loop where they feel they can have contact away from you.

It’s him that needs to be on side here. If he didn’t want contact with her, she wouldn’t pop in to chat to him, nobody wants to talk to someone who isn’t interested in talking to them.

MadMadMadamMim Sat 08-May-21 14:50:10

To be honest, it sounds like he hasn't been clear enough with her. He's obviously given her some wishy washy story of Padmail's a bit stressed about our friendship.

Popping into his work to see him with a bit of juicy gossip shows that she's taken not a blind bit of notice that ties are severed between them. Even if it's a public place if someone had told you that they wanted absolutely no contact with you ever again then surely your own dignity would ensure that you avoided the place they worked in. You'd shop somewhere else. Or take your car to a different garage.

Whatever.

ThatIsMyPotato Sat 08-May-21 14:51:29

He shouldn't be saying it's because you are uncomfortable it should be because he is uncomfortable and thinks it's for the best.

Padmail Sat 08-May-21 14:52:16

TakeYourFinalPosition

*He had to explain the situation to her because he had to get something back from her which he'd given her.*

So he told her that you didn’t want contact?

He clearly didn’t say he thought it was inappropriate and didn’t want contact, or she wouldn’t be popping in to talk to him, she wouldn’t think he’d be interested.

It doesn’t sound like he’s in agreement with you that the contact should stop. He’s stopped it, but it sounds like he’s hidden behind you as the reason why, and that’s created this weird loop where they feel they can have contact away from you.

It’s him that needs to be on side here. If he didn’t want contact with her, she wouldn’t pop in to chat to him, nobody wants to talk to someone who isn’t interested in talking to them.

Thanks. That makes sense.

OP’s posts: |
Dishwashersaurous Sat 08-May-21 14:52:42

Well he clearly didn't actually explain to her that he wasn't allowed to see her at all. Maybe he should text her and be crystal clear that he is not going to have any contact with her ever again. And you can see the message he sends for reassurance

Padmail Sat 08-May-21 14:53:02

MadMadMadamMim

To be honest, it sounds like he hasn't been clear enough with her. He's obviously given her some wishy washy story of Padmail's a bit stressed about our friendship.

Popping into his work to see him with a bit of juicy gossip shows that she's taken not a blind bit of notice that ties are severed between them. Even if it's a public place if someone had told you that they wanted absolutely no contact with you ever again then surely your own dignity would ensure that you avoided the place they worked in. You'd shop somewhere else. Or take your car to a different garage.

Whatever.

This makes sense too.

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Padmail Sat 08-May-21 14:54:44

ThatIsMyPotato

He shouldn't be saying it's because you are uncomfortable it should be because he is uncomfortable and thinks it's for the best.

Thing is, I think he is uncomfortable about it. He sounded uncomfortable last time he told me she'd popped in. Maybe he's a coward and hasn't been clear with her and is hoping she'll just go away after a while.

OP’s posts: |
EmeraldShamrock Sat 08-May-21 14:55:37

She is aware there was an issue? she should back off too, very defiant by the sounds of it.
He let her get close now he needs to be firm, it sounds like she doesn't care for the warning.

Padmail Sat 08-May-21 14:58:07

EmeraldShamrock

She is aware there was an issue? she should back off too, very defiant by the sounds of it.
He let her get close now he needs to be firm, it sounds like she doesn't care for the warning.

She's narcissistic, likes to be the centre of attention, bossy.
She would have hated losing contact with him. I think he was a bit of a lapdog around her so she's lost that attention.

OP’s posts: |
drspouse Sat 08-May-21 14:58:19

Can't he tell her "the boss" has said no more visitors due to COVID, and then block her number?

AcornCups Sat 08-May-21 14:58:50

He either still likes the contact
Or is a spineless twat

Neither is attractive is it.

ThatIsMyPotato Sat 08-May-21 14:59:50

He needs to make it crystal clear in writing so he can go to the police if she turns stalkery

JenerationH Sat 08-May-21 15:01:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EmeraldShamrock Sat 08-May-21 15:03:16

You both need to get serious as a team.
I know her type as I was reading your OP I'd an image of a person I'm acquainted with, given the update my suspicions are correct.
Living in fantasy land while the world moves around her.

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