Cant get over the birth of dc

(113 Posts)
Leaveitinthepast Sat 08-May-21 13:13:39

It's taking me a long time (nearly 6 months infact) to admit this. I've had a mental block from speaking about it, and when I do get sudden thoughts on the matter I freeze up with sadness so I try to dismiss is. But I need to talk about it. I dont want it to haunt me forever or get in the way of parenting dc. On paper I guess my birth wasnt anything crazy but the management and neglect I dealt with is what I cant get over. Any help?

OP’s posts: |
Mamamia456 Sat 08-May-21 13:17:15

I don't mean to sound dismissive but would talking to a counsellor help?

BowserJr Sat 08-May-21 13:21:33

Counselling or a birthing debriefing would help.

I was similar OP. I ended up with an emergency c section and I found it very difficult afterwards. I felt like I had been torn in half and no one cared about me, just my baby. I found it very difficult. Having DS2 helped. I reviewed my birthing notes and found out what went wrong the first time. I realised it wasn't my fault and feeling much more informed, I felt in control. I had a positive elective c section.

What I also didn't realise until after I was pregnant again was that a lot of people didn't realise I'd had a section. DH didn't tell any of his family! Once I started talking more about my experience, people apologised to me saying they wouldn't have visited so soon etc if they'd known.

Leaveitinthepast Sat 08-May-21 13:21:35

@Mamamia456 in all honesty from my previous experience of counsellors I wouldnt even bother. I feel like posting on an anonymous website such as mns may help me more ... if that makes sense? Guess I just finally wanted to talk about it out loud even if it is only online

OP’s posts: |
HumunaHey Sat 08-May-21 13:22:13

Would it helped if you talked about some of your experience here? Other eomen might have gone through similar. Or you could searchvorher threads.

FakeTanandProsecco Sat 08-May-21 13:23:05

You can contact the hospital you gave birth at and ask for a debrief, some women find this helpful. Or as above, counselling could be useful too. Your reaction to your child's birth is very common in women and partners who found it traumatic, and often talking about it is beneficial. flowers

Dixiechickonhols Sat 08-May-21 13:23:57

Ask for a debrief. I had one with a midwife counsellor after it was helpful at hospital I delivered at. Requested via Gp.

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Checkingout811 Sat 08-May-21 13:25:14

@BowserJr why wouldn’t people visit you after a c section? That seems really odd? I’ve had 3 and always had visitors

Leaveitinthepast Sat 08-May-21 13:25:37

What is a debrief? Would it been an overview of how my birth was handled

OP’s posts: |
Leaveitinthepast Sat 08-May-21 13:26:55

@BowserJr I'm sorry to hear about that. I understand how you feel, once you've given birth the focus does shoft to the baby which I guess is fine for most women but for those that have particularly gone through something traumatic we also need alot of care and consideration.

OP’s posts: |
ThatIsMyPotato Sat 08-May-21 13:28:52

Checkingout811

*@BowserJr* why wouldn’t people visit you after a c section? That seems really odd? I’ve had 3 and always had visitors

Because you might want a bit of time to recover and get back on your feet after major surgery.

Checkingout811 Sat 08-May-21 13:29:35

@ThatIsMyPotato yeah I suppose. Not something I’ve ever known.

TurquoiseDragon Sat 08-May-21 13:32:53

Leaveitinthepast

What is a debrief? Would it been an overview of how my birth was handled

Yes. You can request it via the head of the midwives department, I think. The head midwife or a senior one who specialises in debriefs can go through your notes and talk you through what happened, and your experiences.

I didn't need one, but my cousin's daughter did and said it was very helpful.

modgepodge Sat 08-May-21 13:34:58

Yea, I had a birth debrief. It was with a senior midwife and she had my birth notes. She went through them and explained why certain things happened and I asked questions about things I didn’t understand. I did find it helped.

EverdeRose Sat 08-May-21 13:36:09

I really would advise going into a birth debrief with very low expectations, in fact I think I'd advise against one as a tool to heal yourself.
They're often an arse covering exercise. I had one after suffering with similar thoughts to you. Personally I felt I'd failed, If I couldnt birth my baby right how could I be a good mother? I had unrelaiatix expectations of myself (today I won't let my baby cry, I will be perfect, she will be happy, never cry, drink all her milk, sleep soundly for every nap). It all stemmed from the birth.

I had a debrief, instead of making me feel better it showed how shocking my care was. I was repeatedly lied to by the medical staff during my labour so they had an easier time and coerced to make decisions with half truths. The matron who phoned to follow up acknowledged I'd been lied to but told me that it was okay to lie to me as they cared about my baby and needed me to make the right decision.

I can tell you what did help. I had an in depth and private debrief with a doula who specialises in birth rewind services, so focused on my entire labour, delivery and after from my point of view, everything I said was validated and at the end I felt like a new woman.

I'd also add to you, I heard a lot of 'you've got your baby, they're healthy, what more could you want?' It made me feel guilty and selfish. You are allowed to be happy your baby arrived safe and love them completely while also grieving for the birthvyou wanted but didn't get.

I'm happy to discuss further if you want to PM me.

Piglet92 Sat 08-May-21 13:36:44

Speak to your GP, I was offered counselling, which I actually didn't take up in the end but just speaking to her and one of the midwifes helped me. I had, I guess you could call it mild ptsd from being stitched after birth.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 08-May-21 13:38:50

@Leaveitinthepast do you want to post here and explain what happened that you are struggling with?

freckledsloth Sat 08-May-21 13:45:40

@Leaveitinthepast have you considered contacting the Birth Trauma Association? I think they could put you in contact with others who have had a similar experience, so not full on counselling but more peer support. Their website also includes a section about how to go about getting a copy of your hospital notes if you prefer to read them through yourself-I successfully got copies of mine using the information on there.

CaveMum Sat 08-May-21 13:49:39

I had a traumatic birth with my second child 4 years ago. I had a debrief about 5 months later which did help a bit but I was still having trouble processing it. Finally late last year I got in touch with my workplace health insurance provider who referred me for CBT. It’s been a massive help and I can now at least talk about the birth without bursting into tears.

I’d also recommend getting in touch with PANDAS - pandasfoundation.org.uk/ - they offer support for prenatal/postnatal/perinatal depression as well as for birth/pregnancy related anxiety and birth trauma. They have their own Facebook page too.

DinoMamasaurus Sat 08-May-21 13:51:16

Definitely book a debrief appointment. It might be that they can clarify somethings and that will help, or they may be able to acknowledge that some things were not usual or ideal (or were plain wrong). You’ll be able to ask questions and voice all the thoughts and concerns.

Also maybe try writing it all down - that could be therapeutic in itself and then you can decide if you want to share it with anyone or somewhere like on here or put it in a complaint, file it in a drawer, shred it - whatever feels right.

Mostly just be kind to yourself. Giving birth might be a beautiful thing but it’s also shocking and life changing in many ways. Everyone who has done it has a story and your feelings are totally valid regardless of what others have experienced/how it might seem to compare.

Leaveitinthepast Sat 08-May-21 13:52:10

I will try to keep it short. I am a ftm. During my pregnancy I had alot of mess around with appointments not followed through or being booked for me and tests that should have been done for possible complications weren't done in the right way. This meant alot of distress and worry on my behalf because I never really knew what was going on with me or if I was being treated for the right thing. I was blamed upon for alot. I am a small woman with a tall partner so form about 20 weeks my baby was identified as big. I was given lots of growth scans and was told from there on out I was looking at an early induction no later that 38 weeks to help me stand a chance of a natural birth. I was okay with that. I never had any expectations for my birth nor had a plan, I just wanted what was best for me and baby.

Fast forward to being 37 weeks pregnant. I had heard nothing and was wondering what was going to happen about the birth of my baby considering she was still measuring too big for me. I rang up numerous midwives and finally was told I was put on a big baby trial. I was furious. I was meant to be done for an induction. Anyways after alot more chasing up i finally spoke to a dr and turns out I was never mean to be on this trail due to my (never confirmed) gestational diabetes and the fact that I was meant to have an induction by 38 weeks. I was told I would be booked in for 38 weeks on the dot and that was that. I could finally breath abit after having a peace of mind now I knew what was going to happen. So then the day before my induction comes along....and I still hear nothing. Again I rang up and chased people. Finally during the end of the day a midwife comes back to me and tells me I had never actually been booked in! It was a reoccurring theme that who ever was telling me things wasnt putting it on my notes or doing anything about it. They then said the only induction time they had available was for when I would be 38 plus 7 days. I explained how all during my pregnancy I was told specifically I need to have my baby by 38weeks to stand a chance. the midwife on the phone reassured me it would be okay. That was that.

Now come my induction. I get called into hospital the night before as it was quite and they wanted me in..due to covid I went In alone and done labour all by myself. The "dr" struggled to put a balloon catheter up me 4 times. It became traumatic. Apparently I was the only person she had this problem with (trying to make me feel like I'm the issue) because my cervix was high. She gave me a sweep and left me alone for the rest of the night and said she would try again in the morning..yaay.
I was alone on the ward all night and the sweep kicked started my show. I was in labour all night on a ward on my own. During the morning the dr came back and gave me a pessary. That really got things going. A nurse that was there expressed her concerned because I was so young that she thought I wasnt going to be able to cope with labour (how reassuring and comforting to hear NOT). Then later that morning, unawaringly to me a group of drs came. There was about 5 of them. They circled around my bed and was introducing themselves to me. I found the whole thing imitating. They then started accusing me of things. Telling me I should of been having a c section and who was it that told me to have an induction. I explained to them all during my pregnancy that I was told this was the best route. They spoke to me in a horrible tone like it was my fault. They told me since I started the induction process and was 5cm dialated I might as well continue and left. I was horrified. I rang my mum crying because I was so scared that I was doing this all wrong. She rang the ward I was on furious and a midwife nurse came to apologise on the drs behalf. She said their intentions wasnt to scare me blah blah. Anyways....

Leading onto the birth. I was finally dilated enough to go to the birthing ward. My partner could be here for this bit which made me feel better. I ended up taking gas and air and was to wait till 5 to see if I progressed. I took pethedine and was completely out of it. Then all the sudden I snapped awake from my out of consciousness. I knew something was wrong with me. I was feeling a gushing sensation from down below and couldnt stop it. My partner rang the alarm button and before I knew it all those same drs were filling the room once again all looking at me. One was examing me, another was trying to comfort me as I was shaking uncontrollably the others were all sitting back and watching. I was so disoriented and thought me and the baby was going to die. The dr explained it was my hind waters coming through. I was so out of it but I heard them say babys heart rate dropping. They put a monitor on her head. There was poo in my waters. She was stressed. Stressed because she should of never been birthed this way into the world. I didnt stand a chance pushing her. She was stuck. She was too big. Surprise surprise. The drs explained and asked for consent to do emergency c section. Of course I agreed and she came into the world healthy thank god. But I had been through 8 hours of unnecessary labour, and my baby went through trauma unnecessarily. I was a wreck. My partner had to leave me due to covid restrictions and I could barely stop my eyes from rolling after she was born. I was taken up to a ward and left my baby. I couldnt feel or move the lower half of my body and was expected to suddenly look after this newborn baby whilst I was in out and out of consciousness all alone. I had a button to press to ask for the nurses but they rarely ever came. I had a lady opposite me on the ward with her baby and the nurse that wheeled me into my spot never closed my curtain so I was naked on display to everyone walking by. 4 times I kept ringing and asking the midwifes to put my baby in her crib as I was so out of it and scared she would fall but they kept saying for that they would need to dress her first and would leave to get clothes and not come back, or they would tell me she was best with me and left me alone.

I know this was long and I'm thankful if you made it this far. I just need to keep in all these key details even writing it made me sick with rage and upset. I've started shaking again. My healthvistor is useless. She took 3 months to get back to me the first time ( excused herself as she had to go away from work and I thought understandable since we was in the middle of a pandemic) but we had an appointment and I lightly explained my mh wasnt good so she booked me in for another check up. It's been another 3 months and I've heard nothing. I even messaged her inbetween as my dc had a hernia and I was worried it was a block in her stomach and I got no response or apology back. Its pathetic. I understand the situation we are living in but there is no excuse for this. They have ruined my first birthing experience. They have traumatised me and my DC's entry into the world. I want to scream at them!

OP’s posts: |
SittingAround1 Sat 08-May-21 13:59:22

Giving birth can be brutal.
It sounds like you need to get what happened out there, either writing it down here, telling someone you trust or a counsellor, anything that helps.

Do you have any other new mum friends you can confide in ? I made friends with a neighbour who happened to give birth just after me when I was on maternity leave.
The first time I met her she poured out her whole birth story, I really didn't mind listening to it. There were elements she really wasn't happy with, as she'd had forceps instead of an ECS.
Much later she told me I'd really helped her, all I'd done was listen.

otterbaby Sat 08-May-21 14:00:58

I am so sorry your birth experience happened that way 😔 it sounds traumatic and like you were made to feel guilty for decisions that weren't yours. I have a 7 month old and I was also referred for growth scans after 25 weeks and was told I would need to be induced early as she was too small....until one day the consultant checked my notes and said everything was absolutely fine and they would let me go into labour naturally. It's like they couldn't make up their minds. I feel like there is a huge lack of communication between consultants/sonographer/midwives and that's contributed to a lot of your experience as well.

I would not hesitate to put a complaint in if I was in your shoes. I'm so glad that you and your baby are okay after that ordeal!

Silvercatowner Sat 08-May-21 14:01:57

I'm not surprised that you are feeling like this - the whole experience sounds horrific. I would suggest that you contact the Head of Midwifery at the hospital you gave birth in, for a debrief, as a previous poster has suggested. That would be a start and may give you access to further support.

EverdeRose Sat 08-May-21 14:02:03

@Leaveitinthepast

You don't need a debrief, you need to make an official complaint through PALS.

They way you were treat throughout your pregnancy and labour is horrific. You deserved much better.

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