AIBU to tell DH to stick it up his arse?

[CP24miles]

Background: DH doesn't like my mum (99.9% unreasonably). There's been a lot of tension between the two of them.

Me and DH have two DC of 2 and 7, we both work, him full time, me part time NHS.

The pandemic meant he wasn't working but I was, so childcare was all on him when I was at work. I say childcare, I mean looking after his own kids while I was at work.

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself. There is one of my shifts that doesn't fall on his day off so I've suggested my mum looking after the DCs .

He immediately got funny and started saying he will use one of his annual leave days to get the day off so that my mum doesn't look after them. His reason: he doesn't want to come back home from work to a messy house. (Background to this, he likes things tidy and has mentioned a few times over the last few years that my mum has had them at our house and it's been "messy" when he came home - my mum PLAYS with the kids, she's very hands on, DCs love her, so yeh there might be some collateral mess from this but it's mainly toys and not much more than the kids produce daily anyway which we have to tidy up 😏)

Due to prior commitments he only has 2 days Annual leave to use and if he used one of those that could potentially mess us up further down the line.

AIBU to tell him to stop being such an ungrateful prick????

[MayorGoodwaysChicken]

Hmmm. My immediate thought was that it’s VERY unusual for a man to want to use up what little annual leave he has left rather than have his mother in law do free childcare. So he clearly reeeeeeally doesn’t want her looking after your children. It’s hard for anyone here to know if his feelings really are 99% unreasonable as you’re clearly not impartial. The fact is, the children are 50% his and if he feels that way your starting point needs to be that you respect it. Imagine if the bloke was insisting his mother did childcare but you didn’t like how she did it...you shouldn’t be forced to leave your kids with anyone you aren’t comfortable with and that’s that. Mother or father.

A big question for me is whether he has this particular issue about your mum and is otherwise easy going and reasonable, or if he has views you don’t agree with about a lot of people. If he’s generally easy going and gets on with people but feels strongly about your mum, perhaps he’s not as unreasonable as you think.

If it genuinely is the mess, could she look after the kids at her house so he’s not bothered by it?

In any case, at least he hasn’t just said no to her looking after them and expected you to find another solution. He’s willing to use leave and look after the children himself so can’t you just shrug and let him get on with it?

[Merryoldgoat]

Why doesn’t he like her? Seems fairly extreme.

[sunflowersandbuttercups]

Could your mum look after the DC at her house instead?

[Aprilshowersandhail]

He can pay for a cleaner then... Free good child care is gold dust..

[CP24miles]

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Hmmm. My immediate thought was that it’s VERY unusual for a man to want to use up what little annual leave he has left rather than have his mother in law do free childcare. So he clearly reeeeeeally doesn’t want her looking after your children. It’s hard for anyone here to know if his feelings really are 99% unreasonable as you’re clearly not impartial. The fact is, the children are 50% his and if he feels that way your starting point needs to be that you respect it. Imagine if the bloke was insisting his mother did childcare but you didn’t like how she did it...you shouldn’t be forced to leave your kids with anyone you aren’t comfortable with and that’s that. Mother or father.

A big question for me is whether he has this particular issue about your mum and is otherwise easy going and reasonable, or if he has views you don’t agree with about a lot of people. If he’s generally easy going and gets on with people but feels strongly about your mum, perhaps he’s not as unreasonable as you think.

If it genuinely is the mess, could she look after the kids at her house so he’s not bothered by it?

In any case, at least he hasn’t just said no to her looking after them and expected you to find another solution. He’s willing to use leave and look after the children himself so can’t you just shrug and let him get on with it?

He really DOESN'T want her looking after them. I think he would find any excuse really, and on reflection I think he has loved the pandemic because we haven't had to use her

He's unreasonable about her, it's a personality thing. He's introverted and she is an extreme extrovert. he just doesn't like her, and any time we have talks about this they are not problems that most people find reasonable (i.e. he hated her having a key to the house when she was doing regular childcare - so I got the key back, he didn't like her taking DC7 to McDonald's after school 2/3 a month - so I stopped it, he didn't like her bringing magazines round for them - so I stopped it, she once bought a gnome for the garden for the DC and he hated it - so I gave it back. He finds her intrusive, because she's "all over the DC" when she's with them - this is ridiculous, there are many more reasons but all on this level really. The only 0.1% where he has been reasonable is that she has been unlucky in relationships and has had 2/3 boyfriends since eldest DC was born. 3rd current boyfriend now lives with her, due to the pandemic we don't know him , so understandably he doesn't want the DCs to go to hers to be looked after as we don't really know who this guy is (we've met him in the garden a couple times lately ). This lastbit is reasonable so the DCs can't be looked after at her house to not have the mess in our house, so our only choice is for her to come here but he thinks she makes too much mess + he hates her.

And he's not generally easy going with other people, particularly my family and friends. It's very difficult tbh, but we have had issues about this a lot and o have told him he needs to make more of an effort if I have someone over, lily my Dad or brother for example.

[CP24miles]

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Could your mum look after the DC at her house instead?

Nope.see comment above

[OnlyInYourDreams]

I’d be interested to hear his side.

I suspect that this isn’t as straightforward as you’re trying to imply here. Either way, he’s damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t.

There will be posters here saying he’s unreasonable for not wanting your mum to look after the kids, but I guarantee that if you’d posted here that he wanted his mum to look after the kids and you didn’t want that he would be unreasonable as well…

At the end of the day, he’s prepared to use his annual leave to look after the DC, so he’s not actually doing anything wrong, or are you so controlling that you tell him how to use his annual leave as well?

[CP24miles]

@OnlyInYourDreams

I’d be interested to hear his side.

I suspect that this isn’t as straightforward as you’re trying to imply here. Either way, he’s damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t.

There will be posters here saying he’s unreasonable for not wanting your mum to look after the kids, but I guarantee that if you’d posted here that he wanted his mum to look after the kids and you didn’t want that he would be unreasonable as well…

At the end of the day, he’s prepared to use his annual leave to look after the DC, so he’s not actually doing anything wrong, or are you so controlling that you tell him how to use his annual leave as well?

But his reasoning was due to not wanting to come home to a mess. There's no question about the children's safety when she's with them.

No I'm not controlling in the slightest, we had just had a conversation an hour ago about using those two days, to add to his other already set days off, so we could potentially get a 4/5 day UK break over the summer... And then I mention this childcare day and he immediately wants to throw it out the window because of the mess?

[Lou98]

The fact is, the children are 50% his and if he feels that way your starting point needs to be that you respect it. Imagine if the bloke was insisting his mother did childcare but you didn’t like how she did it...you shouldn’t be forced to leave your kids with anyone you aren’t comfortable with and that’s that. Mother or father.

I agree with this!

We're hearing the issues from you without hearing his side of why he has a problem with it, but the fact is he isn't comfortable leaving the kids with her and in this instance, there is a choice not to. He hasn't said no and expected you to make different arrangements (which would of course make him unreasonable). He's said he doesn't want her to so he is using his own annual leave to look after them, which is his choice.

At the end of the day, nobody should be forced to leave their kids with someone they don't want to when they are able to watch them themselves.

[Fyredraca]

So he has a problem with most people?

[Ohsugarhoneyicetea]

If your DCs love her, and its hardly very often, I think he's being unreasonable. He's at work presumably, so he's not having to talk to your mum. Its just the mess when he gets home he's unhappy about? For one day, that your kids will enjoy. That's sounds controlling to me. Its about excluding your mother, not the mess, and I dont think thats fair on your or your kids.

[Zzelda]

To be honest, your mum does sound very full-on, especially for an introvert, so I do wonder whether there isn't quite a bit more to this than just the tidiness issue. Might it be simplest just to hire a temporary nanny or something?

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Then you take the kids away with your mum.

Or he hires a cleaner an hour before he’s due home

Or he asks his family to help out

[Lou98]

@BluebellsGreenbells

Then you take the kids away with your mum.

Or he hires a cleaner an hour before he’s due home

Or he asks his family to help out

Or he uses his annual leave which he has done?

[SaltAndVinegarSandwiches]

YANBU unless he has concerns about the kids coming to some harm with your mum he's being outrageous. It's absolutely right they should have a relationship withtheir grandma even if he finds her personality grating. It also sounds like he's been quite rude to her and you've enabled it. Unless they weren't age inappropriate why did you stop your mum bringing magasines round? If the gnome was really that ugly couldn't he hide it somewhere out of the way? Actually returning a gift is unspeakably rude. I can understand not wanting the kids having too much Mcdonalds - that's a personal judgment thing but the rest is very unreasonable on his part.

[Lauz841]

I am quite introverted too, and most of those examples you’ve given would annoy me too. Why would she need a key to your home? And why does she leave the house a mess? My man looks after my son and plays with him but she washes up what she’s used and packs the toys away before I get home. Id be annoyed to come home after a full shift to find my house a tip too so I get his views on that. He’s not asking you to sort childcare, he has stated his solution in that he is going to look after them himself. That’s fair enough.

[SaltAndVinegarSandwiches]

@Lou98 Doesn't solve the problem of him not wanting his kids to spend time with their grandma though does it. He's being massively unreasonable to try and prevent a relationship unless he has concerns about her safety.

[Songsofexperience]

Is he trying to isolate you and DCs from your friends and family? Because that would be a red flag. She's your mum. Him being unpleasant to her for no apparent reason doesn't sound very nice to me.

[SaltAndVinegarSandwiches]

@Lauz841 There's a difference between being an introvert (I am one too) and being a massively entitled knob. If someone provides you free childcare and you complain there are a few toys lying around you're a giant arsehole. You sound unbelievably entitled.

[Lou98]

@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches it sounds like they spend plenty of time with her - he just doesn't want them doing anymore childcare than they have to so he has came up with a solution for that day.

Again, I'd be very keen to hear the issues he has from his side

[CP24miles]

@Zzelda

To be honest, your mum does sound very full-on, especially for an introvert, so I do wonder whether there isn't quite a bit more to this than just the tidiness issue. Might it be simplest just to hire a temporary nanny or something?

Oh yes she is full on! But in a generous and kind way. But I do appreciate the complete ends of the scale that their personalities sit on

Sole MNers have said about what if shoes was on other foot and he wanted his mother to care for them and I didn't, then yes you're right, but the question isn't about their safety while the children are with her, and they certainly have a lot of fun with her, and he has allowed her to pick them up and take them to the beach lately etc etc so OUTSIDE the house he appears "fine" but as it will be in his house and he's a neat freak, this literally is what is it about, the mess.

[katy1213]

He sounds a bundle of fun on all counts. Let him use up his annual leave. Hang on to yours and book a few days away without him. Invite your mum and laugh and be loud and be make a mess! No wonder your kids love her when their dad is a joyless arse.

[CP24miles]

This isn't just me saying "why do you hate my mum"

He openly admits that he hates her.

[CP24miles]

Eldest DD often says when DH is not around that "we can be loud now" /"put music on"

[Lauz841]

It didn’t sound like a few toys lying round from the original post, she said there was collateral mess. I wouldn’t go to someone’s house to take care of their children and leave it a mess. When I look after my niece at her house I say half an hour before my sister in law is due in ‘come on, let’s get tidied up’ I wouldn’t want her to come in to a mess. That’s just how both my family and my husbands family do things.