Page 2 | To copy his wife into email?

(33 Posts)
greengrasshut Fri 07-May-21 01:41:40

This week I received an email from a leader in a charity I volunteer at. It was an email sent to a group of us, asking for feedback on a particular issue.

I would like to copy in his wife (who is also a leader in the charity and would be interested in the feedback - they will definitely discuss the results with each other to make decisions going forward) when I reply to him, not because there’s anything inappropriate or because I don’t trust him, but because I know her better and feel I could be more honest/open in my feedback if the email was also sent to her. There is one point in particular that I don’t feel I could raise if I just send the email to the husband.

Would it be ok to copy her in?

OP’s posts: |
AnUnoriginalUsername Fri 07-May-21 09:36:07

I think if it was reversed it would be a big no.

DH and I run a company together. If I was dealing with something and a male customer/employee/dealer/whatever felt the need to add my husband to the conversation I'd think it very rude and as though they felt they were going over my head, like I can't handle it as well as him.

They have obviously agreed its something for him to do, you then assigning it to his wife because you think she's better suited comes across poorly I think.

SchrodingersImmigrant Fri 07-May-21 09:38:12

AnUnoriginalUsername

I think if it was reversed it would be a big no.

DH and I run a company together. If I was dealing with something and a male customer/employee/dealer/whatever felt the need to add my husband to the conversation I'd think it very rude and as though they felt they were going over my head, like I can't handle it as well as him.

They have obviously agreed its something for him to do, you then assigning it to his wife because you think she's better suited comes across poorly I think.

Exactly.

What you can do is to say "I also have feedback about x but I would be more comfortable sharing it with ---, if it would be possible".

Though I am not sure what the feedback is that cannot be shared with the leader

greengrasshut Fri 07-May-21 20:59:35

Thanks for the responses.

I asked not because she's his wife - in fact it didn't actually occur to me that that could be an issue, so I definitely wasn't thinking that way! - but because I would feel more comfortable raising this particular point in the presence of another female. It just so happens that the two most senior leaders are married, but I would have felt the same way had the senior leadership team not had any type of relationship beyond the organisation. The only reason I even mentioned she was his wife was because that's how I know them both, and I wouldn't have said it had it occurred to me that it could, without this context, seem problematic.

OP’s posts: |
NoSquirrels Fri 07-May-21 22:43:34

@greengrasshut but unless the feedback is something about the male director’s behaviour in some way, then why can’t you raise it? It really does sound like you don’t trust him to react appropriately to it, but you say in your post that’s not it (trust or inappropriateness). A d he asked specifically for yours and others’ feedback on a particular issue. So any feedback related to that issue is what he needs to hear.

NoSquirrels Fri 07-May-21 22:49:42

And the thing is that because they are married it does seem more pointed to make sure she’s included. As I said, I’d be very puzzled if a male colleague of mine cc’ed my husband on an issue I’d requested feedback on. I’d be puzzled if I wasn’t married to him, but I’d take it more personally if I was, if you see what I mean.

I really think if you really want to raise something with her as well then you need to say something like ‘Thanks for asking - it’s timely because I do have thoughts and I’d considered raising something in particular with X (wife) - would it be OK to bring her into the discussion too?’

emilyfrost Sat 08-May-21 03:43:29

NoSquirrels

*@greengrasshut* but unless the feedback is something about the male director’s behaviour in some way, then why can’t you raise it? It really does sound like you don’t trust him to react appropriately to it, but you say in your post that’s not it (trust or inappropriateness). A d he asked specifically for yours and others’ feedback on a particular issue. So any feedback related to that issue is what he needs to hear.

This.

It’s just not appropriate to copy her in.

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Monty27 Tue 11-May-21 01:50:34

IMHO OP you don't involve a 3rd party to an email unless they work for you

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