Naming daughter after mum & sister but not MIL.

(70 Posts)
merlanguis Thu 06-May-21 17:24:53

My husband has always hoped that we would give any future daughters the middle name Maria as both my mother and mother in law share it as a middle name. The truth is that I don't really like the name that much.

My husband chose our sons name. There was only one name that he would consider (which included his own name as a middle name) and I didn't mind but I didn't love it but knew how important it was to him. I probably would have chosen a combination of my grandfather and his dads names, a lovely vintage combination. Anyway, I agreed to go with what he wanted on the condition that I got the deciding vote on our next child.

We're expecting a girl. We have a couple of front runners for first names but not discussed middle names yet. My husband is not particularly fussed this time round. I really like the combination of my mum and sister's names (Anna Elizabeth) for middle names.

I haven't floated this to him yet. What do you reckon? Do you think it's a bit much choosing two names from my family? Do you think I'm going to put noses out of joint?

OP’s posts: |
takealettermsjones Thu 06-May-21 17:27:03

There's honestly no way to know without talking to your husband. Congratulations on your pregnancy! flowers

Overthinkingalways Thu 06-May-21 17:27:26

I think it’s fine. He had his choice last time and this time you get yours. Plus I assume they have his surname too so not like there isn’t any connection to his side

Spied Thu 06-May-21 17:30:51

Yes, you are very likely to put noses out of joint.
Question is - do you care enough to not use them?
( I personally would delight in pissing off my MIL- sorryblush)

Didiusfalco Thu 06-May-21 17:32:00

You might, but he’s shot himself in the foot a bit by insisting on his choice last time, so I would go with what you wanted given what he agreed and let him explain to mil.

Northofsomewhere Thu 06-May-21 17:36:53

I do think it might be a bit having 2 first names from your side if he would like the middle name instead - also most people don't use their middle names so in the long run it probably doesn't matter that much.

I'm not a fan of using family names anyway, I think it's a very easy way (sometimes without intending to) to upset people. While your husband got final say on your firsts names I still think you need to run it by him and be aware that you may upset some people by just using names from your side. I also think naming a child after yourself is a bit different, it's less contentious than naming a child after someone slightly more removed. I'm still not a fan but it's less likely to upset anyone.

1starwars2 Thu 06-May-21 17:41:01

Middle names really don't matter. If it matters to him let him have the Middle name he wants. The first name and surname are much more important, make sure you are happy with those.
My children hardly know what they're middle names are, although they both have grandparents first names as middle names.


saraclara Thu 06-May-21 17:44:44

Why not give your child a name of her own?

My name and two middle names are, in turn, my GGM's, my GM's and my DM's. Even as a child I wished I had a name that was mine. And at 65 I still do. I vaguely resent that I wasn't seen as my own person when I was born.

frazzledasarock Thu 06-May-21 17:47:33

He chose your sons name on the condition you get to name baby number two.

Call your daughter whatever you like. He did with your son.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Blogdog Thu 06-May-21 17:51:12

I feel you OP. We had agreed DS1’s name would be a name we both liked and my dad’s name as the middle name. When he was born DH had a wobble and really wanted his own dad’s name in the mix too. So DS now has two middle names as I didn’t want to die in a ditch over it.

It was a bit of a mouthful at the time but 12 years later it’s a bit of a non issue really as the middle names are only used when applying for schools and the like.

Naunet Thu 06-May-21 17:52:57

It’s fine OP, he got the choice last time, you do this time. Will both children have his last name too?

MollysMummy2010 Thu 06-May-21 17:54:40

I gave my daughter my mums name as a middle name - she has died nine months before my day was born. Mil didn’t like it but I really don’t like her name - it is really dated and not suitable for a child today. Husband really didn’t care. She has his last name.

SummaLuvin Thu 06-May-21 17:57:01


I think it’s fine. He had his choice last time and this time you get yours. Plus I assume they have his surname too so not like there isn’t any connection to his side

This sort of, if there was such agreement then I think you should lead the way with names this time. But I would caveat that by saying he must be at least neutral feeling about the names. It would not be fair to push names that he dislikes just because it's 'your turn'.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels Thu 06-May-21 18:02:33

Why are you so fixed in using family names? Sorry, that sounds much more abrupt than I meant it to. I just wondered if there's a reason why you can't use completely different names you both like?
Otherwise, no there is no issue with you choosing whichever names you want for your daughter. You let him choose your son's name with no reference at all to your family on the understanding you could do the same next time. That's what he agreed to.

Bagamoyo1 Thu 06-May-21 18:06:41

I wouldn’t do it. It looks like a deliberate snub, to use 2 of your family’s names but not MIL’s.
Remember that when your son is an adult he’ll probably marry and you’ll become a MIL who MN encourage people to hate. The attitude to MILs in here is horrible.

Mydogisagentleman Thu 06-May-21 18:07:11

I hate family names.
I say that as a woman who was named after my dad, grandad, great grandad, great great grandad.....

AmyLou100 Thu 06-May-21 18:12:31

Why don't you give your dd her own name without having someone else's tied to it and her own identity?

Spring2021 Thu 06-May-21 18:13:32

Given your DH picked last time you choose this time.

Our DS has his own name and I wanted my dads name as a middle name (as he wouldn’t have my dads surname). But when he was born I also wanted to give him DH’s name as a middle name which we both agreed on. I wasn’t sure we would have another child as it took so long to conceive DS so it was important we both agreed.

Then DD came along again she has her own first name (and had to have the same number of middle names as DS). I wasn’t keen on mil’s first name as a middle name so I decided on MIL and SIL’s middle name which are the same and my name. But with hindsight and applying the same logic she should really have had her name, my mums name and my name. But the age gap was so short and I was wrecked but it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Talk to DH, I’m surprised you haven’t.

EmpressSuiko Thu 06-May-21 18:13:40

Your child, your choice!
My DD was given a family name from my side which I also share.
I know DH’s family were hoping we’d use a name from their side for our DS but we didn’t want to and went with our own choices instead, yes there was some slight disappointment but nobody made a fuss or voiced it to us.

LadyJaye Thu 06-May-21 18:14:59

I am the youngest of a familial generation, and have FIVE middle names (I presume as a sop to those who were left out of previous siblings'/cousins' names). grin

It really doesn't matter. They only appear on my birth certificate and passport, I don't use them on a day to day basis.

babytops Thu 06-May-21 18:15:19

We gave my daughter my mums name as middle name, and my sons my dads middle name (my grandads name) as his middle name (because my dads name is awful haha)

we discussed if second child was a girl I wanted the middle name to be my grandmothers name and he wanted his mums name as middle name.
I said no for a few reasons, first being his mum has grandchildren whom her daughters have used her name as middle names for. Second, she is not a regular feature in our lives and I didn't think she deserved the honour.
We had a boy anyway and hell would have had to freeze over before I used my FILs name.

littlebillie Thu 06-May-21 18:18:15

Why not go for Marianna Elizabeth

Naunet Thu 06-May-21 18:19:49

I wouldn’t do it. It looks like a deliberate snub, to use 2 of your family’s names but not MIL’s
Remember that when your son is an adult he’ll probably marry and you’ll become a MIL who MN encourage people to hate. The attitude to MILs in here is horrible

Is it a snub to a woman’s family, when children get his families last name? Seems like double standards to me.

ThatIsMyPotato Thu 06-May-21 18:25:54

Up to you, rules are rules. I'd think about giving her her dad's last name maybe so there is a link there. Personally I'd hate not having a name of my own when I was older so I'd think of giving her two middle names maybe?

Elllicam Thu 06-May-21 18:27:55

I also love Marianna or Marianne. It’s up to you though, he picked last.

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