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Worried about my little girl so much(83 Posts)
Name changed for this, posting here for advice..
My little girl and I fled severe domestic abuse.. Her father is an extremely violent and dangerous individual. We are now in hiding through a protection scheme.
I've been court ordered to make her available for interim contact in a contact centre where he has seemingly won over the staff and gets glowing reports.. It twists my stomach inside. Several times the supervisors have said contact is positive because of me and that I haven't denigrated him in front of her..
Our next hearing in a finding of fact hearing in the summer. He's denying all of the abuse and of course blaming me. He abused his daughter also.
I'm now scared because my daughter keeps saying she's scared of him, she's been having the most horrific night terrors when I go in to her she's sweating and shaking and clings onto me.. She says she's scared and I ask what she's scared of and she says daddy the damage he's done is irrevocable and he deserves to rot in hell for what he's done to her.
What can I do, how do I tell someone about this. This has been recurring for weeks now. My daughter is nearly 3 and was around 18 months when the domestic abuse was at its most horrific point, she's witnessed and heard her father do the most horrific things to me.. She's been subject to physical and emotional abuse from him also.
I don't know what to do.
I'm represented by a solicitor who is of the firm belief it'll all go wrong for him at the fact finding stage as he's denying abuse that was documented by the police and children's services, the court in itself will find that disturbing.
I'm just so worried about my little girl and don't know what else to do except reassure her and keep her safe.
Jesus I'm so sorry. I don't have any practical advice unfortunately but I'm sure some will be along soon. In your shoes though I think I'd probably move far far away and tell no one
I'm so very sorry that you and your daughter have been through such trauma. You are a brave and strong woman -you escaped and are not giving him the satisfaction of seeing you get upset
It is good (in a way) that his abuse is documented with the police and children's services. Obviously not good that it occurred but this will be strong evidence against him.
Can you speak to someone about your daughter's night terrors? I know you know what causes them but I am thinking of more evidence that you can demonstrate. Perhaps your GP? A social worker? Could be worth filming if at all possible so that you can show the GP/SW. Also mention it to your lawyer as they may have advice.
Your daughter is still very little. In terms of what you can do for her -keep doing what you are. Loving her and doing your very best to protect her.
I wish you all the best with the next hearing
Have you posted before ?
If so you've lots of reports all saying the same thing - he's dangerous. He will be the one who looks deranged when professionals say how bad he is.
Is your daughter on a child protection plan? Has she a social worker. The child's voice and best interests are at the forefront of any decision. She can have a court appointed advocate to put her voice forward.
If talking to officials don't talk of your needs but of hers.
Go to gp
Ask for referral to child psychologist
She's 3 nearly, but she's very alert and very verbal. When I take her for contact she never wants to leave me but i always assure her mummy is waiting for her and going to come back. Her contact seems to go OK in a supervised setting, he seems to think it's a fast track way of getting what he wants. I don't trust the contact supervisors either. My friend said to call the gp tomorrow and get her behaviour re night terrors documented. It's just heartbreaking seeing her so distressed
I am so sorry.
Could you film them on your phone to show your GP to get a referral.
I think the difference between describing and actually seeing is huge and you can not be accused of exaggerating.
There’s a new law which means children have more protection from violent fathers (towards the mother) www.gov.uk/government/news/landmark-domestic-abuse-bill-receives-royalassent
Definitely document everything (in terms of taking her to the doctors so it's all on record) & who ever suggested videoing her when she's having/waking from a night terror, I think that's a good idea too. Just build up as much proof as you can. If you talk to her in the videos don't ask her leading questions but let her talk freely if she wants too. I hope things get better for you both. X
I think you are a very brave woman and I wish you and your daughter good things. 2 points, one for her and one for you.
For her, please make sure everyone knows about her fears and the night terrors. GP, health visitor, your lawyer, social services and so on. It needs to be on record so that you can use it if you need to: if he is the perfect parent now, he hasn’t been and your daughter has been traumatised by him.
Second, I hope you have support for you, because dealing with your DD’s terrors and having your history can’t be easy. Look after yourself as well. You are really strong and very resilient. Find someone you can talk to.
How on earth is he allowed contact ?
I am so sorry OP. He sounds incredibly manipulative as well as violent.
I feel utter fury on behalf of you and your tiny girl . This should not be happening.
I'm scared for the future to be honest. He has no idea where we've relocated to I've had to tell the gp both where we left and where we are to not disclose any information as it will put us in immediate danger. I have no idea how his contact will progress outside of a contact centre if he doesn't admit to what he's done. Taken responsibility, shown remorse and for me to feel we'll both be safe. If he finds out where we are he will stalk and harass me and we'll have to move again. After I fled he used to call my work phone 100 times a day and my with ended up having to block his numbers. It was horrific. I'm terrified of him and what he's capable of.
How has he managed to even get supervised contact?
Did you press charges?
Speak to your HV, local DV service and children’s social care. Your daughter needs more support as she’s clearly affected.
If there's any pattern to the night terrors related to her contact visits, it would probably be worth recording that too, and sharing it with your social worker/whoever organises the contact visits. If the visits are making things worse, I can't see anyone would want to facilitate that.
This makes my blood boil. Court ordered to see her dad who has abused her and is giving her night terrors. The system is just not fit for purpose.
You are very strong and brave and so is your daughter. I agree with taking her to the GP to get the night terrors documented and seek as much help from as many agencies as you can get in your corner to stop this.
Praying for you that the fact finding hearing will expose him for the monster he is and contact will cease.
I just feel like taking her and running.. Far, far away 😢
I would probably do that if I was you and wouldn't blame you in the slightest.
These revolting abusers using the kids as a last way to twist and try and exert control. Horrible !
Did he ever get convicted etc for any of the abuse ?
You must feel so tormented by it all.
@ellie56 no I never once pressed charges because I was so scared of him. In the final years it was with him the police call outs went into double numbers and different agencies made child protection referrals. When we relocated she was put on a child in need plan but immediately got taken off it as the local authority where we transferred her to deemed her as safe as she was with me.
*@ellie56* no I never once pressed charges because I was so scared of him. In the final years it was with him the police call outs went into double numbers and different agencies made child protection referrals. When we relocated she was put on a child in need plan but immediately got taken off it as the local authority where we transferred her to deemed her as safe as she was with me.
Self refer back to social services. Tell them you are being forced into contact and the effect its having on your daughter.
Hopefully they may be able to have an input into proceedings from there on too
I’m so so sorry OP. If I was you I’d run. Your daughter has all she needs- YOU! ❤️ I hope everything works out for you both x
I agree you should see your GP and ask for a referral to a child psychologist. In your shoes I would move to another country and change my name quite honestly.
@Worriedmummy7878 Firstly, well done you for getting you and your little girl out of there ❤️ You’re an amazing Mummy ❤️
Secondly, I agree with what’s been said by others - you need to document everything here. It will all help you. If it were me - I would keep a diary of the night terrors etc and anything being said by your daughter about being scared etc. As someone else said, would also try and record one of her night terrors so that you have video proof of it happening. I would also get as many involved as I could - take your daughter to the GP and make sure it’s documented there, her social worker, health visitor etc.
I completely understand wanting to take her and run OP ❤️
You poor thing OP. How can this be allowed? It’s shocking!