Children apologising: who IBU in this situation?

(514 Posts)
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop Wed 05-May-21 00:43:06

Disclaimer: I’m neither family in this but my friend is.

A year 2 (age 7) girl gets shoved in the playground by a boy when they were playing cops and robbers. This really upsets her but she's not forthcoming with standing up for herself. When she gets home, because she knows the boy lives around the corner, she gets her (6ft tall and stocky - this is relevant) dad to take her to his house so she can knock on the door and ask him to apologise. The boy’s mum is a widow, an older mum (early 50’s) and it’s just the two of them living there. The dad/family of the girl know this.

When the girl and her dad arrive and say Thomas shoved her today and they’d like him to come to the door and apologise, Thomas’ mum says no because “it’s just what happens when children play sometimes they get shoved” and that the dad was out of order to come round as it’s intimidating for her living on her own to have an unexpected and ‘burly’ man knock on her door making demands.

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries.

Who is in the right?

OP’s posts: |
ludothedog Wed 05-May-21 00:48:32

Both. Dad should've phoned school and encouraged the DD to speak to teachers and the boy should've apologised. I wouldn't be happy at someone turning up at my door like that though!

steff13 Wed 05-May-21 00:50:46

This is something that should have been dealt with at school. I would have wanted my son to apologize, but I wouldn't have wanted them to turn up on my doorstep.

VimFuego101 Wed 05-May-21 00:52:44

I agree with the mum - very intimidating to have a random man showing up on the doorstep demanding apologies. This should have been handled via the school.

SmokedDuck Wed 05-May-21 00:55:22

The mum. The dad should have asked the daughter why she didn't ask for an apology at the time.

MissingTheMoonlight Wed 05-May-21 00:55:36

The dad IBU without a doubt. Overstepping the line and acting like a bully.

viques Wed 05-May-21 00:57:51

Good for the mother, standing up to intimidation, which is what it was. They knew her situation and the apology was that important to them the girls mother could have accompanied her daughter to the boys house.

Girls parents need to

A) teach/tell their daughter to speak to adults at school

B) get school to deal with school stuff.

Boys mother needs
A) to remind him to say sorry if he hurts someone unintentionally.

B) pat herself on the back for standing up to a bully.

scotsllb Wed 05-May-21 01:00:35

Ridiculous. Girl should have said at school to teacher. Kids do shove etc when playing to so parents should be teaching their dd to be more assertive and stand up or herself and tell a teacher or tell the boy to apologise herself.
Turning up a his mother's doorstep over a shove from a 7 year old in the school playground is not appropriate at all

Anordinarymum Wed 05-May-21 01:05:43

scotsllb

Ridiculous. Girl should have said at school to teacher. Kids do shove etc when playing to so parents should be teaching their dd to be more assertive and stand up or herself and tell a teacher or tell the boy to apologise herself.
Turning up a his mother's doorstep over a shove from a 7 year old in the school playground is not appropriate at all

Agree, and tantamount to bullying.

If anyone ever came to our door and accused my children of anything I always thanked them for telling me and asked my child what had happened. Nine times out of ten it was the tell tale child who was lying anyway.

Howyoudoingirl Wed 05-May-21 01:07:00

Wow, so they are teaching her to stand up for herself by having a man go round to a woman's house & intimidate her on her doorstep?. If anything they should have gone via the teacher.

BluePeterVag Wed 05-May-21 01:18:28

viques

Good for the mother, standing up to intimidation, which is what it was. They knew her situation and the apology was that important to them the girls mother could have accompanied her daughter to the boys house.

Girls parents need to

A) teach/tell their daughter to speak to adults at school

B) get school to deal with school stuff.

Boys mother needs
A) to remind him to say sorry if he hurts someone unintentionally.

B) pat herself on the back for standing up to a bully.

This exactly. Cringe over the Dad being such a bully.

BlackCatShadow Wed 05-May-21 01:26:53

I think a lot of men don’t realize just how intimidating they can be to women. I don’t think the dad set out to intimidate the mom, so hopefully this will be a lesson for him. In the future he should just call the school and ask the teacher to deal with it.

voovayclickwot Wed 05-May-21 01:38:10

They're both BU, the dad for turning up unexpectedly at her door and the mum being dismissive of violent behaviour from her son.

No point in the mum standing up to intimidating behaviour in a man if she's going to inculcate it into her son.

TableFlowerss Wed 05-May-21 01:41:31

Dad IBU.

It was a 7 year old child and who is to say what the definition of shove is? If they were playing ‘tig’ and he leapt forward too forcefully in his ear ambition to catch her and she fell, is that the correct definition of ‘shoved’.

At 7 it’s subjective anyway and accidents do happen without any malice or intent.

Schools should haven called and teach told you deal with it the next day. Tell the boys to be careful etc

No need whatsoever for daddy big bollcks to try to intimidate the mother

Embracingthechaos Wed 05-May-21 01:42:36

Thomas should have apologised for shoving, but it should have been dealt with at the time, in school.

Absolutely ridiculous to take this girl round to somebody's house later that day to demand an apology. Very overdramatic and silly behaviour from the dad.

Milkshake7489 Wed 05-May-21 01:45:11

So the dad tried to teach his daughter to stand up to boys by intimidating a women?

Completely unreasonable to turn up at her home unannounced like that. He should have spoken to the school.

NoNever Wed 05-May-21 02:01:44

So they’re teaching their 7 year old daughter to stand up for herself by having her very large father go over and intimidate a woman in her own home? The boys mum did more to teach her about standing up for herself by refusing to cower for bully-dad.

Next time maybe they should roll play with their daughter and teach her to say “don’t push me!”

StamfordHill Wed 05-May-21 02:03:49

It would appear the mum taught the girl by example how to stand up to men.

BoomBoomsCousin Wed 05-May-21 02:04:10

The dad was BU. Not for going round as someone who is big and burly - saying someone shouldn't speak to others or do something because of their physical size seems entirely unfair, how is he ever supposed to ask for things he wants if his very existence is construed too intimidating? If his manner or wording was intimidating that might be different. Though the mum clearly wasn't too intimidated to tell him no, so it sounds like more of an unnecessary attempt to shame him a bit.

But I think the mum has a point about a game like that being physical and that by playing you consent to a degree of physicality. And if the shoving did cross a line in someway then it's something the school is far better placed to deal with.

asprinklingofsugar Wed 05-May-21 02:19:49

The dad was the one being unreasonable. And I hope if your friend is the mum in the story that she's not too shaken up by a big burly man confronting her on the doorstep of her home

AndroidsAliensAndWizards Wed 05-May-21 02:36:01

The family of the girl say they think this is out of order and an apology should have been given, they’re trying to teach their daughter to stand up for herself especially when it comes to boys being rough and crossing physical boundaries

Ironically it's probably the boys mothers who has taught the daughter how to behave when a male tries to intimidate you. What a pity it's her own father demonstrating the crossing of boundaries. Why didn't he phone the school? Or teach his child to tell a teacher? If anyone just speak to the other parent maybe it should have been the girls mum, do you think the dad would have gone marching round the single parent was a man twice his size?

The Dad could apologise for turning up and intimidating the boys Mum and show his daughter the correct way to behave when you've been an arse. The boy shouldn't have pushed the daughter, he's a child though, a grown man knows better.

Imnotbent Wed 05-May-21 03:02:40

Exactly what @AndroidsAliensAndWizards and @StamfordHill said.

MyDogIsDrivingMeMad Wed 05-May-21 03:06:45

It should've been dealt with at school or through the school. On that basis the father was unreasonable.

StoppinBy Wed 05-May-21 03:35:20

100% the Dad was wrong.

Kids can get a bit rough when they play those kinds of games. If it was my daughter I likely would have told her to just let the teacher know if it happens again or just casually mentioned it to the teacher so the teacher could remind the kids to be mindful of each other when playing.

If I knew my child (son or daughter is irrelevant) had gotten rough I would remind them that even during games that involve chasing/catching etc they still need to be gentle and said that if they do accidently get too rough they need to both apologise and help the other person who they got rough with then left it.

It's really not a big deal at all if it played out how it is written.

Workingfromhomeishell Wed 05-May-21 03:49:59

The poor mum!

Dad is waaaaaaay out of line .

Totally unacceptable behaviour from him. Who the hell does that!!? He sounds like a nutter

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