Weekend away and other people's kids

[MrsAldoKane]

Me and DP are getting married and we weren't going to bother with stag and hen parties because of covid and not knowing what's likely to happen - plus we're just not really party people.

His best man asked DP if he was sure though, and offered to organise something anyway, even if we had to postpone. Best man suggested we do a weekend away in a big house somewhere with friends as a joint hen/stag do and after some chat, me and DP agreed, and thanked best man for suggesting it and organising etc. It's much more our style, lots of sport and cooking, less partying/drinking/penis straws/strippers. So far, so good.

Me and DP agreed we wouldn't invite children. I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and although I'm 90% fine and our friends have some really lovely kids - I'm not really sure I want to spend the stag/hen do setting up activities to suit young children while I'm still childless and sad about it.

My DP was talking to his best man who said 'if you don't have children Mrs best man won't be able to come because our daughter can't be left with anyone else' - I can't imagine it was a guilt trip type thing but that he said it in quite a factual way. I don't know him that well but from what I know of him a guilt-trip just isn't his style. I'm not annoyed with him.

My DP instantly said 'oh no, we'll deff want Mrs best man there - I'll speak to MrsKane and sort it out'. Sigh. So now I think I've got a few options.

1. Get on with it, invite kids and suck it up.
2. Tell DP to have a stag do without me - I'll do something else with my friends.
3. Accept I'm going to look like the bad guy who banned kids and Mrs best man from the stag/hen do.

I think I'll end up going with 1 because the other options just make me look a bit petty - but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with DP? I never asked to have a joint hen/stag do - when it was suggested I specifically asked whether he'd rather do something with his friends where he didn't have to worry about accommodating me he said he'd rather have me and our friends from my side there.

[JorisBonson]

I'm sorry, but who brings kids to a stag / hen / adult weekend away like that??

YANBU. I'd take option 3 all day long. It sounds like a brilliant weekend.

[Samcro]

why would you want children at an adult weekend away?

[MadeForThis]

Most couples will be glad to be child free. It's not a break if you are looking after your kids and watching to noise at night.

If best mans wife can't go then she can't go.

[Cheeseandlobster]

I would do somthing separately on different nights. Then Mrs Best Man can still come. Its your hen night and why should you spend it feeling sad or resentful

[Eyevorbig0ne]

Option 3.
Some things are just for adults. Kids get plenty these days.

[JorisBonson]

@Eyevorbig0ne

Option 3.
Some things are just for adults. Kids get plenty these days.

This, all day long!

[Returnoftheowl]

I'd either go with 2 (if I wasn't fussed about the weekend away) or suck it up and for for 3. Depends on the circumstances could your DP speak to the best man and explain why it's a no kids thing?

[HTH1]

3 if Mr Best Man will still come without his DW. If it’s just a one-off weekend they may not mind.

[Soubriquet]

I would do number 3 tbh

I wouldn’t want children on an adults trip even if it isn’t a traditional stag/hen do.

You will look like the bad guy if you do number 2 so if that’s a risk you’re willing to take, do that other wise I would do something different with your own friends

[Chamomileteaplease]

Mmmm, I would go for 3 too. This is meant to be a party for you not your friend.

Also, I would check the best man has the same ideas as you two as to what constitutes a nice weekend away in a big house. He may have completely different ideas as shown by the fact that he thought kids were coming.

It's also a lot for him to organise - I bet he has absolutely no idea what he has got himself into!

[Shoxfordian]

That’s a shame for Mrs BM but doesn’t mean you have to invite kids

[TokenGinger]

This is a problem with your DP, rather than the BM and MrsBM. It sounds like he said it quite matter of factly, as in it's just one of those things. She might not even be too bothered about going. Just say to your DP you want to stick to the original plan.

If I was MrsBM in this situation, I really wouldn't mind staying home. We genuinely don't have anybody who could have DS overnight for us so we couldn't both go, and the idea of taking DS along and feeling stressed every time he's messing around, playing up etc., when everybody else just wants to relax wouldn't appeal to me at all. She might not want an enforced weekend away with DC in tow.

I'd honesty much rather my DP go along and enjoy himself and stay home with DS in his comfortable environment.

[minniemomo]

He made a statement, his partner couldn't come without their child, fair enough nothing unusual there. You have a choice, have kids there or some can't come

[Clymene]

A weekend away with friends when it's for hen/stag do for people WITHOUT CHILDREN should be WITHOUT CHILDREN for everyone.

If their kid can't be left with anyone else, then Mrs BestMan can't come. Tough.

[Ukholidaysaregreat]

How about he goes with his friends and you go with your friends? I assume that wouldn't include the wife of the best man. You can have a nice relaxed friends weekend one with your friends and him with his. Good Luck!

[pastabest]

I have small children and the idea of going away to a stay in a house with mine and other people's small children after spending the last year locked in a house with my own children is my idea of hell.

I would decline an invite to anything other than option 3.

[FeistySheep]

Stags and hens are NOT for kids!
I wouldn't necessarily invite MrsBestMan, UNLESS she is your friend and you would have invited her on your hen if you were having a separate one? If that's the case, Mr&Mrs BestMan will have to choose which of them attends.
Tell DH to make a list of the men he'd invite on his stag, and you make a list of the women you'd invite on your hen. Then invite those people. Just because it's a joint do doesn't mean you have to invite all your stags/hens husbands and wives too! If you want to that's fine, but they don't then get to complain and bring their kids too!
Ask them how many other stag dos their children have accompanied them on?

[Crunchymum]

You don't know the best man very well so presumably you don't know his wife very well either?

Why is she even invited to begin with? Surely it's for your friends and family?

[MiddleClassProblem]

It’s not her hen and she’s not part of the wedding party. If you were having regular stag and hens she probably wouldn’t be at those either.

Surely it’s meant to be about the two of you and if you don’t know the best man very well, then you probably know her less so no biggie if she can’t come...

Is DP particularly close to her? Could it be somewhere that she and DF just come for a bit in the daytime if she is important to DP?

[dancinfeet]

Stag and hen dos are not for kids. Mrs Best man will have to suck it up one way or another (either leave her kid or stay at home)

[LagunaBubbles]

Why are you inviting her in tbe first place to your hen party, surely your DP isnt inviting her to his stag?

[RogueMNerKnowsNoShame]

2 or 3. No brainer .

[2bazookas]

The "do " is for you and DP.

Its absolutely fine to say "It's our do; and we really do NOT want any strippagrams, children, anchovies or porn",

[katy1213]

Your first instinct to do nothing was best. Why do you need a weekend away to celebrate your wedding? Surely turning up for your (child-free) wedding is celebration enough.

[YellowTwinklyStar]

Are there other people with kids who would be invited? If so your husband could say sorry but he can't let BestFriends bring their kid or others will want to bring theirs and it's meant to be an adult holiday?