Feel differently about DP now re a money thing

(147 Posts)
PurplePinkParade Tue 20-Apr-21 14:57:13

Very recently found out I'm pregnant. Big shock to us as I have problems with my ovaries and doctor estimated it would take years for me to get pregnant yet it happened quite quickly. Absolutely over the moon. It's a reasonably new relationship, we dated for a while at first. We've been living together for 9 months, he moved into my rented home with me and 4yo DD, splits the bills etc. Everything has been great so far.

I want to stress how much of a brilliant partner this man is. Kind, helpful, hardworking, just the greatest person I've ever met. Cares for my child as his own. I knew I'd met the right person immediately. It wasn't love at first sight it was just a comfortable, I'm home, feeling. Sorry for sappiness just wanted to stress I have never in over a year had a single worry about this man. Until now.

Baby is due in December so we were doing some planning, discussed the idea of buying a house next year. DP very excited for all of this. I decide to speak to a mortgage advisor to see what we can afford. Did all my side of it. Suddenly DP starts stalling, busy at work etc.

A few days later were on a walk and he tells me he has a CCJ, from 5 years ago. He says 2 weeks ago he did a credit check and found it, didn't know how to tell me. It's due to expire in December. He says he had no idea he had this or what it's for. He says he's never chased it or been to court and promised me he had no idea. He has moved 8 times in 10 years and lived all over and claims he must have had a forgotten bill from a gym membership or phone. It's only for £450. He earns a decent salary and doesn't have credit for anything, doesn't even have a credit card. If he got a £450 bill he'd just pay it, nowadays at least.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack as my ex had a lot of hidden debt, he lied about it for months and then I found out he was £11k of debt and eventually took out an IVA. And he stole from me repeatedly, gaslighted me. I'm having flashbacks to this now and completely panicking.

I have no reason to believe he's lying about not knowing. But how can a 35 year old man have never checked his credit score? How's he never had letters etc? He's rented 5 properties, surely it flagged up on a credit check?

He does have a dodgy ex who constantly got herself into debt years ago, and the CCJ is from 2015 when he was with her, so could it be something she'd done?

The thing that's worrying me most is, he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him. I don't know what to do.

I'm now panicking so much. I'm having a baby with this man. It's even making me reconsider that... DP would be heartbroken if he knew this.

YABU - stop worrying, it's a mistake from 5 years ago, help him sort it and move on

YANBU - be wary, he's lying about something

OP’s posts: |
timeisnotaline Tue 20-Apr-21 14:59:55

I can easily understand not checking your history, I never have. Tell him about your ex, say it’s making me a bit stressed about this, and I really want you to come with me to do a credit check. I’d much much rather see the results than have you just hide things from me because it feels easier for you. I can’t live that way again.

HotToddyColdSauvignon Tue 20-Apr-21 15:00:39

It’s two separate issues. The ccj I can actually believe maybe a letter got lost and he didn’t realise. I certainly don’t go around credit checking myself all the time, the last time I did was before we reapplied for a new mortgage.

It’s the second bit that would worry me - the “not wanting to do a credit check” now bit. If he’s owned up to the ccj then what else is there to hide?

I’d want to sit down and have a frank talk about finances with bank statements

TheQueef Tue 20-Apr-21 15:04:21

Saying you will be disappointed
Disappointed why? Did he elaborate on that?

Ireolu Tue 20-Apr-21 15:05:00

I am late 30s and have never done a credit check on myself. I think what he has said is entirely plausible especially if he moved around alot. My friend had one and she had no idea about it until she was trying to get a mortgage. It happens.

Maray1967 Tue 20-Apr-21 15:05:08

In the middle here. It doesn’t sound as though it is a major issue if he addresses it - and I’m pretty sure my DH has never checked his credit record. I only started a few years ago and we are 50+, we’ve never had any problems. I checked mine out of curiosity.
But - he does need to address it. You need to make it clear that he has to deal with this if you want to move forward together. I don’t know anything about CCJs - didn’t know they expire. Is he thinking it will disappear from the record if he waits a bit longer? Hopefully someone else will know more.

Ireolu Tue 20-Apr-21 15:06:23

The second bit about not wanting to do the checks for the advisor is odd and needs unpicking with him..

Hereforthedramaz Tue 20-Apr-21 15:07:07

I really feel for you OP even without your past experiences, for me at least, untrustworthiness with money is one of the biggest red flags.

As pp said I can see how someone could have a Ccj without knowing but his reaction is a bit telling to me. If I were to discover I had one I'd be obsessively finding out from what/when and how to sort it. It's not something I'd casually accept and move on.

His comments around you will be "disappointed" is quite telling, it sounds like he is well aware of what's lurking in his past.

But that said we are all capable of sticking our heads in the sand so a really open and non-judgemental conversation sounds like the only way forward. Hopefully he is willing to do that.

Angrypregnantlady Tue 20-Apr-21 15:08:17

He'll have done a clearscore credit check and found his ccj I think. And also found that his credit score is fucked. He's worried and ashamed.

I really wouldn't be bothered though, in fact my husband has one, we've just been working on his credit score. Started paying debts off, got him a credit card etc and it's slowly rising.

Just be a team, don't be mad at him and work on a plan to move forward together.
We bought the house we live in now in my name only, he gifted me the deposit. But that took a massive amount of trust, he would have nothing if I'd have left him.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Tue 20-Apr-21 15:09:00

I've never done a credit check on myself and I'm 35. I'm on my second mortgage, rented 3 properties before we bought, have the usual phone and utility bills etc.

I once had a tiny credit card bill missed for ages and ages because the statement was going to my mums house and she was just dumping it in a pile of crap in my room. I was lucky it didn't escalate to something on my record.

I'd be a bit worried about the reluctance to do the credit check now but if you've got your hopes up about buying together and he knows the CCJ could fuck it up he's probably worried.

PurplePinkParade Tue 20-Apr-21 15:09:10

Thanks everyone, this had calmed me down a bit. I think the mix of pregnancy hormones combined with the sort of PTSD from being with my ex has made me overreact quite a lot.

Genuinely surprised people don't check their credit score though, I really thought everyone did but maybe it's because my dad's a financial advisor I've just been brought up to keep absolute tabs on everything money-wise. I love checking mine, maybe I'm just a massive geek blush

OP’s posts: |
Lou98 Tue 20-Apr-21 15:13:28

As PP's have said, it is a lot more common than you would think to not check your credit score. Especially if he's been able to rent properties with no issues then he's probably just assumed that everything's been okay. Equally, if he's moved around a lot then chances are any letters sent about the CCJ would have been sent to an old address so can see that he would have missed them.

With regards to not wanting to do the credit check, is it possible that he just thinks it would be pointless as with the CCJ would be unlikely he would get a mortgage? I assumed that was what he meant by you would be disappointed. I wouldn't assume he was hiding anything based off of that.

Obviously you'll know him better than we do but from your OP it sounds as though he's an honest, reliable man. I think it's probably your past relationship with your ex that's causing you doubt, can you talk to him about that and just express that it makes you worried because of that?

It's obviously not ideal having to wait until after the baby but if the CCJ is up in December then perhaps it is best to wait until after that to look at a mortgage. Unless he could contact the company that put it there and see if there's anything he could do?

Abouttimemum Tue 20-Apr-21 15:14:15

DH had a CCJ for his water bill after moving flats just after we got together and not receiving the letters. He was 21 and a bit naive. He paid it off in full once he found out about it and It didn’t impact on our mortgage application.
The only time we’ve done a credit check of our own volition since then was about 5 years ago (I can’t remember exactly why that was) and both histories were good. We’ve been together more than 20 years.

So on the face of it I wouldn’t be massively concerned but your alarm bells are ringing for a reason.

I’d be more concerned about his reluctance to go and see the mortgage advisor as CCJ’s aren’t really anything to get that upset about.

Xiaoxiong Tue 20-Apr-21 15:15:20

he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him

This is the red flag. If the CCJ was the only thing, then he wouldn't mind doing the credit check. There's something else on there. I think he told you about the one CCJ to gauge your reaction.

The only thing you can do is sit down with him and ask him to do a full cards-on-the-table financial MOT - you've been burned once before by your ex, and you're not having it again. Don't panic, don't get emotional, just stating that this is just what you need to do in a calm unemotional manner.

You don't even need to link it to him disclosing the CCJ really, it's actually a good time to review all your financial outgoings and debts, and discuss how you're going to manage finances together when the baby arrives as well - eg. is he the kind of man who expects you to cover childcare costs out of your own salary if you have the temerity to go back to work and keep your financial independence. There's a lot to discuss - bill spitting, are savings/account/credit card going to be joint or separate, life insurance, mortgage, etc etc.

PurplePinkParade Tue 20-Apr-21 15:15:33

@Angrypregnantlady I think you've got it in one there.

I'm happy to work through it with him but his reluctance to do the proper credit check is worrying. I'll have a proper sit down and try to sort it tonight.
I would be happy to buy the house just in my name the issue is I wouldn't be able to get a mortgage for more than 100k due to my salary. We really need both of us together. sad

OP’s posts: |
alpenguin Tue 20-Apr-21 15:17:23

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to worry, especially given your park experience. Unless you’ve seen with your own eyes what this debt is and what his credit report says I’d be wary.

My partner is shit with money. Gets into debt when there’s no need. He had a Mental illness which is the trigger for his spending but he never lets on until I find out in other ways. He was always able to explain away things like failing a credit check and I stupidly Believed him. He’s a good earner, functions well in society has no reason to be in debt but he is and the things he spends on are laughable but it’s no way to love.

Get him to Show you his credit report and force honesty from him. His Ex’s are irrelevant. He’s the one with the issue.

I wish I knew what it was with men and debt.

blueshoes Tue 20-Apr-21 15:17:33

OP, you say he did a credit check 2 weeks ago and suddenly found a CCJ he was not aware of. Then you say he won't do a credit check for the mortgage advisor. Why would he do a credit check by himself and not for the mortgage advisor?

Does he want to hide the result from you?

If I found out about a historical CCJ I was not aware of on a (random) credit check, I would be furious and find out how to get rid of it, especially if I was about to apply for a mortgage. I won't be ashamed.

He knows more than he is letting on. Make sure you do a full credit check before you commit to a mortgage with him or any form of joint finances. You don't say whether you are married/going to marry. Again, full credit check first.

I'd be as disappointed in the lying as in the CCJ (or whatever is lurking). You are right to feel differently.

Xiaoxiong Tue 20-Apr-21 15:18:37

Also just to say as well - I didn't do a credit check until we got a mortgage and I'm in my 30s. Just assumed that if there was a problem I wouldn't have been able to do various other things like get a mobile phone on a contract, take out a credit card or rent a flat.

Susannahmoody Tue 20-Apr-21 15:18:45

He needs to do the credit check.

Toilenstripes Tue 20-Apr-21 15:21:14

The thing that sticks out for me is that you are building a life with a man you barely know and aren’t married to. You are very vulnerable and need to protect yourself. I hope he finds the strength within himself to sort this out. Financial problems can be very embarrassing.

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 Tue 20-Apr-21 15:22:23

My DS got a CCJ without his knowledge for something related to Uni debt. It was issued in his absence and he had moved address. He paid it in full and whilst it is on his record for 6yrs it states that it has been paid off so lenders can see that. If he can afford to pay it off then he needs to pay it.

ShyTown Tue 20-Apr-21 15:24:34

he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him.

This is the bit that would worry me and make me think there’s possibly a lot more to it than just one mystery CCJ from years ago. Trust your instincts. A cards on the table/full disclosure chat about finances ahead of the baby and any potential house purchase would be sensible regardless of circumstances. If he’s not willing to do this then I think that would tell you everything you need to know.

gooseygoosey12345 Tue 20-Apr-21 15:24:59

DH got a ccj for a debt he didn't know he had, it was genuinely a misjudgement on his part, it wasn't for a lot and he could've paid it, so I don't disbelieve that the same could've happened for your DP. However, I would definitely want to know his full financial situation before moving forward, you can't have a relationship that's not open and honest and it be successful.

PurplePinkParade Tue 20-Apr-21 15:25:26


The thing that sticks out for me is that you are building a life with a man you barely know and aren’t married to. You are very vulnerable and need to protect yourself. I hope he finds the strength within himself to sort this out. Financial problems can be very embarrassing.

I know... This concerns me. I don't know if I've just been completely blinded.
We planned to marry either this year before the baby or next year at some point. Not interested in a big wedding or anything just wanted to be married. I'm glad this came up first as I need to know what I'm getting into. Could be nothing or could be huge. Luckily I'm okay for now, currently he lives in my house and I have the tenancy, though we split the costs. If it went south, I'd kick him out. I have my own savings and am financially secure.

I honestly felt like I knew him through and through, I'd never had any reason to be concerned, he works hard and earns a good salary. I'd ask him any question he'd tell me any answer, no secrets, until this. Now I feel like I'm questioning everything.

OP’s posts: |
YellowTwinklyStar Tue 20-Apr-21 15:26:10

We all do things we are embarrassed about but if you are going to move forward as a team you both need to know what's going on, good or bad. I guess you just need to try and stay really calm with him and let him know even if it's really bad it's not like he has killed someone.

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