Help me curse the scumbag who stole from me

(183 Posts)
CautiousPractice Mon 19-Apr-21 14:23:11

Today I discovered that some utter scumbag has manged to obtain my bank details and spent my money on betting sites over the course of a day. This money was the deposit for my wedding.

Obviously I am dealing with getting my money back, and the other stuff you have to when this happens, but this asshole will probably just get away with it.

So, i've spent my lunch coming up with imaginative curses to wish upon him.

I curse him to always drop his toast topping side down on the hairiest patch of carpet.
To always be 1 digit out on the lottery numbers.
To get explosive diarrhoea whenever he's in a high stakes situation, like meeting a pretty girl, or a job interview.
To get intense crotch itches whenever hes chopping chillies, so that he ends up with fire crotch.
To never get an erection when he needs/wants one, but to always have one when he does not, like at a funeral, or a school or playground.
For his trousers to always be just a little bit too small and short, no matter how well they fit in the shop.

If you have anymore, I would welcome them.

OP’s posts: |
EscapeDragon Mon 19-Apr-21 14:25:15

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their armpits.

Hoppinggreen Mon 19-Apr-21 14:25:18

May his next shit be a hedgehog

ArnoldJudasRimmer Mon 19-Apr-21 14:32:07

@Hoppinggreen got there before me 😁 but similarly... May all his shits have antlers.

CliffordTheBigBlueDog Mon 19-Apr-21 14:34:40

"May his next shit be a hedgehog"
Brilliant. LMAO

FelicityBeedle Mon 19-Apr-21 14:36:16

May his car never start before an important appointment

Gingernaut Mon 19-Apr-21 14:36:34

May his streak always be losing

May his favourite bands split up

MangoBiscuit Mon 19-Apr-21 14:39:34

May his tea drinking always be interrupted, until it is just a little bit too cold to really enjoy, but not enough to bother making a new one.

Lubiluxe Mon 19-Apr-21 14:42:18

Eurgh how utterly annoying. I hope he / she gets what they deserve.

Carishina Mon 19-Apr-21 14:42:44

May all his socks have annoying holes.
May his shower never be at the right temperature.
May he always have something stuck in his teeth.

EvilHerbivore Mon 19-Apr-21 14:43:58

May every step he takes feel like he's stepping on Lego

Lsquiggles Mon 19-Apr-21 14:45:30

May he never find a parking space anywhere he goes!

IEat Mon 19-Apr-21 14:48:41

Have to curse a woman too, he could be a she otherwise you’re wasting a curse

Crayfishforyou Mon 19-Apr-21 14:49:07

May he have terminal crabs

CiderWithRosiee Mon 19-Apr-21 14:50:41

@IEat raises a good point! I hope that they always find half a grub after taking a bite from an apple.

CiderWithRosiee Mon 19-Apr-21 14:51:41

The scumbag thief, that is, not IEat blush

tenlittlecygnets Mon 19-Apr-21 14:53:06

May his Christmas turkey rot.

May all his teeth fall out.

CautiousPractice Mon 19-Apr-21 14:53:09

@IEat - Woman I spoke to with the first betting company accidentally confirmed it was a He. Second betting company also said He. Ive yet to speak to a real person at the last one, but its safe to assume male just based on the type of site.

OP’s posts: |
lolacola77 Mon 19-Apr-21 14:54:02

That he/she gets uncontrollable farts when in public, on a date and any important appointment!

Tooshytoshine Mon 19-Apr-21 14:54:06

May his toes nails always be uncomfortably long or painfully short.
May his nose always tickle and ears always be waxy.
May his car always be damaged in supermarket carparks by opened doors and feral trollies.
May none of his shoes ever be waterproof and he stands in every puddle.
May he never one day plan out a life and marry the person he loves in front of all his family and friends...

You have already won OP. I am sorry this happened to you but the greatest revenge is a life well lived. Enjoy your special day when it comes

toffeebutterpopcorn Mon 19-Apr-21 14:54:51


May his next shit be a hedgehog

Yes that’s the one I came to say!

toffeebutterpopcorn Mon 19-Apr-21 14:55:20


That he/she gets uncontrollable farts when in public, on a date and any important appointment!

‘And follows through!’ 🤣

AnneShirleysNewDress Mon 19-Apr-21 14:55:54

@Hoppinggreen has it

Flaunch Mon 19-Apr-21 14:56:33

May he always need a wee.

CrazyTitsLiz Mon 19-Apr-21 14:57:26

May his work days always drag.

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