Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

(492 Posts)
HuxleyDog Sun 18-Apr-21 11:16:03

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP’s posts: |
BeardieWeirdie Sun 18-Apr-21 11:18:54

I’d say I wouldn’t be able to come and absolutely not apologise for it. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

OldEvilOwl Sun 18-Apr-21 11:19:44

I wouldn't go. They are being ridiculous

Nutrigrainygoodness Sun 18-Apr-21 11:19:57

I just wouldn't go. Just say 'sorry, unfortunately I can't come, have a lovely day.'

Piglet92 Sun 18-Apr-21 11:21:02

I would decline their invitation.

MoveOnTheCards Sun 18-Apr-21 11:21:09

To be honest I think I’d politely decline. For a start as it’s so close to your due date you could be in any state or even still in hospital (I was in for a week 2 weeks after my due date).

You SIL sounds a bit obsessed with ‘distractions’, does she expect guests not to talk to each other about anything else?! It may be the first time some have seen each other in more than a year!

LagunaBubbles Sun 18-Apr-21 11:21:25

They are being completely ridiculous, just dont go. What is it about weddings that sends people mad like this? It would change how I feel about the relationship to.

Holly60 Sun 18-Apr-21 11:22:25

Oh lovely! This is awful! How cruel! They clearly have no idea about newborns and you have been more than accommodating to say you will come to the ceremony without your baby. Especially as the baby might only be a few days old! As for saying your DH is no longer invited... are they suggesting they don’t see him as family?? Is your future SIL going to be happy to not be invited to family events in the future because she is not a blood relative??? It sounds like they are more concerned with having ‘attention’ on the day than making the day wonderful for everyone involved. How sad for them.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 18-Apr-21 11:22:35

Don’t go. Why on Earth would you? You’ll either by the size of a house and will want comfy clothes and rest and food or you’ll be post birth and need your baby as much as they need you.

Your brother having had a shit year is no excuse for treating your family like crap. Sorry, but nothing does.

Say as space is obviously tight you’re giving up yours and then send a card.

Utter twats, both of them.

MinnieMountain Sun 18-Apr-21 11:22:48

It’s pointless saying anything. They’ve obviously made up their minds.

My sister didn’t invite any of her family to her small second wedding. There was no reason why she couldn’t have.

Terminallysleepdeprived Sun 18-Apr-21 11:23:21

Your brother and his future wife are idiots and deeply unpleasant.

However for harmonious relations I would leave baby outside with dh. Attend the ceremony (assuming you are medically able after birth) and then both leave and enjoy your newborn

TakeYourFinalPosition Sun 18-Apr-21 11:23:26

Don’t go.

He’s had a rough year. My wedding was cancelled twice too. Then it was a weekday, outdoors, 30 people... and it wasn’t realistic for it to be child free anymore, so we had a baby and four toddlers, who all counted in numbers.

They’ve basically disinvited you... which is bizarre if they’re worried about attention not being on you. Having you not there will cause far more chatter than people having a momentary gush over the new baby and then settling in to the wedding...

MotherofTerriers Sun 18-Apr-21 11:23:51

Just don’t go. You’ve tried to fit in with their plans but it’s not going to work. Better to say no now than to be worrying about it, and if baby is late you may well not be up to it anyway

Angrypregnantlady Sun 18-Apr-21 11:24:33

They're being selfish and childish. Don't go. They've said they don't your baby stealing their limelight. I couldn't be arsed with people like that.

OwlinaTree Sun 18-Apr-21 11:25:19

I think I'd politely decline this one. It's a real shame for your brother regarding the re arrangement, but it is ridiculous to not let you bring a tiny baby to the wedding.

SnuggyBuggy Sun 18-Apr-21 11:26:33

I wouldn't want to go anyway personally but I had a hard time with my first baby and a social event so soon after the birth woikd have been the last thing I needed.

Don't be drawn into arguments, if you can't go, you can't go.

Angrypregnantlady Sun 18-Apr-21 11:26:34

Sounds like your mum is on your side though, which is good.

MarcelinesMa Sun 18-Apr-21 11:26:37

I wouldn’t go at all. They are causing these problems by expecting you to be separated from your newborn baby, possibly days after their birth. It’s a shame they’ve had to cancel their wedding twice already but it surprises me that that alone hasn’t put things into perspective for them.

Motnight Sun 18-Apr-21 11:27:22

Don't go. Your mother understands, the rest of the family will too.

osbertthesyrianhamster Sun 18-Apr-21 11:27:32

So you don't go. That's it sorted. Decline and don't feel guilty. I was dripping milk, still bleeding and my bladder still leaking in the first couple of weeks after birth. All the more reason to sit on the sofa.

Ifailed Sun 18-Apr-21 11:28:14

Having a child is far more important than going to a party, don't go and crack on with your life.

Radio4Rocks Sun 18-Apr-21 11:28:58

Don't go. SiL is stupidly precious. I feel sorry for your bro.

Vetyveriohohoh Sun 18-Apr-21 11:29:06

I’d definitely just decline, your attendance obviously isn’t a priority for them because if it was they wouldn’t be being so ridiculous (and I’m normally in the ‘their wedding their rulez’ brigade flowers congratulations on your pregnancy

An0n0n0n Sun 18-Apr-21 11:30:26

I just wouldn't go.

SIL is worried and jealous over a baby. A BABY. So let her have her day. Your brother will see how silly she is being even if he doesn't voice it.

Just say you don't want to be an added stress and want them to have the day they want and leave it at that. She will be so sore at you looking like the bigger person and not feeding into the drama.

AutumnLeafDance Sun 18-Apr-21 11:31:47

Honestly, you'll probably feel so exhausted in the first few weeks/months of caring for a newborn, the last thing you'll feel like doing is dragging yourself out of the house to attend the wedding. You'll potentially still be healing from the birth as well. The priority in those early days is you, your baby and husband. All the best!

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