Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

[elsaesmeralda]

They sound like typical 11/12 year old girls to be honest ! Not saying it's nice for your dd because it isn't, but three is a crowd at that age and young girls argue and bicker over absolutely everything. I would get your husband to speak to her about this and see if he can sort it

[aprilanne]

Simple just you do whatever your daughter wants on the days step daughter isn't there and let her father deal with tantrums. And tell your daughter her room is hers is she doesn't let sd in to bad .sounds like a spoilt madam but maybe she just wants more of her dads attention how often does he see her .

[AlfieMoonhead]

but three is a crowd at that age and young girls argue and bicker over absolutely everything
But there isn’t 3 of them, there’s 6 of them in their group. There’s no arguing either, just deliberate exclusion.

I’m tempted to rearrange our plans for my DD’s birthday to the weekend SD isn’t with us.

[PomBearWithoutHerOFRS]

It may have been her mum who stopped her inviting your DD to be fair.

[Oldraver]

Scale back on including her

[LaceyBetty]

Does your DD love with you full time and your DSD come for visits? If so, it could be a matter of feeling a bit jealous that your DD sees your DH more that DSD sees him, her own father. That probably would have bothered me at 12 if my dad had a stepdaughter my age living with him full time when I visited EOW.

[Sycamoretrees]

It doesn't sound like they get on at all, perhaps time to reassess your view of their relationship?

[aprilanne]

Do exactly as your update says .then when sd moans you say well you know how it feels .

[AlfieMoonhead]

No it was definitely SD @PomBearWithoutHerOFRS because SD last night took great pleasure in going into detail about how amazing her party was going to be and all the things they were going to do. Whilst my DD sat there crestfallen.

I took my DD out to get a Starbucks afterwards so we could get out of the house for a bit because I could see DD wanted to cry but wouldn’t in front of SD. As soon as we got into the car she burst into tears.

[Happycat1212]

They don’t get on by the sound of it and she isn’t her half sister (I think it would be different if she was) they don’t have to get on and be friends or invite each other to things if they don’t want to.

[AIMD]

I think it sounds in a lot of ways fairly typical behaviour for that age that is maybe complicated and more difficult because of the family set up.

I like the ethos of trying to think about what feeling is trigger someone’s actions. What is your sd feeling that led her to exclude your daughter? Maybe she’s jealous or sad or angry? Was it her choice or might her mum have not wanted your daughter there?

Maybe there is something to do with them around boundaries. Eg their own things are there own, they have to ask and get permission if they want to use someone else’s things and there is no pressure from adults to force sharing. There’s no reason sd should be using your daughter clothes etc.

With regards to the party I would just leave it for today but then be clear that neither girl is obligated to invite the other to events/hang outs unless they want to.

Are they at the same school?

[AlfieMoonhead]

@LaceyBetty no, my DD is here more though because I’m the resident parent

[Notaroadrunner]

Has your Dh not said something? I'd be livid if there were mutual friends invited and not your dd. Your SD does not get to pick and choose when she wants to hang out with your dd and then drop her when is suits. From now on you organise whatever you want for your dd and don't even factor SD in unless it's her contact time. Perhaps it would be an idea to stop the girls messaging each other for a while so that little madam SD doesn't have the opportunity to harass your dd. And stop them seeing each other's SM posts. If she cannot see what dd is up to on tic toc or other SM then she won't need to know about it. How did she even know you were at the farm to see the horses?

[AlfieMoonhead]

@Happycat1212 no I even said she’s not obligated to invite her, however she can’t have it both ways now and kick off about things my DD does without her.

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

I’m not sure where you’re based but if you’re in England the rule of 6 applies to children so I’m assuming the party had a number limit and your SD wanted to invite her closest friends from school. It does tend to be more about your friends than family/siblings at that sort of age...

Take your DD wherever you want and as a PP said, let DH deal with her tantrums. They do sound like typical girls of that age to me.

[Happycat1212]

How do they Have mutual friends? Are they at the same school? Maybe the friends are actually more your sd friends rather than mutual? I’m guessing she met them through sd?

[AlfieMoonhead]

DH is really upset about it but has no control over the situation because it’s his ex who has organised it. He did text his ex explaining it would have been nice to include my DD, she just said “SD doesn’t want her here” and that was that.

I honestly feel like stopping going over and above for her now.

[Alsohuman]

I feel for you. I have three stepchildren and a son, all adult now. Our family has been blended since the youngest was five, two of the three regard my son as their brother and the third doesn’t. It’s taken a long time to shrug it off and dismiss it as their loss. It hurts.

[Flowerlane]

It’s great if step siblings get on and you do things together but the kids also need to do some things apart.

I would do more things with out step daughter as it’s not fair on your daughter it sounds like a majority if not all the things/days outs you do she has to share while step daughter doesn’t. If your daughter wants to add it to her social media then block step daughter.

Also your husband should be telling his daughter her behaviour is unacceptable and not catering for her every whim. He should be dealing with the situation.

Hope your daughter is ok do something fun together

[SarahBellam]

I presume you DSD found out about the visit to the farm because one of you posted it on Social Media. Do you really need to advertise your whereabouts so much? I’m not saying you should keep things from her, but you must realise that posting things all over SM must make her feel excluded in the same way that your daughter feels excluded now. I think it’s important that your DSD feels part of her fathers life and your family life together, but he should be taking the lead in all this, and perhaps it’s time to encourage the girls to be a bit more independent from each other.

[SandyY2K]

I’m tempted to rearrange our plans for my DD’s birthday to the weekend SD isn’t with us.

Do this. Then SD can't complain and if she does, she should swiftly be reminded of how she excluded your DD.

[AlfieMoonhead]

@SarahBellam no it’s because she rang my DP and he has no reason to lie. He just said “oh we’ve just popped over to Jim & Katie’s farm to drop off a welcome to your new home card”

[Devlesko]

Well make sure your dd doesn't include sd, don't tell her what she is doing then mother can't turn up.
Get a lock for her door.

[Hankunamatata]

SD mum organised party. You have no control over that as your daughter is nothing to do with your husbands ex. Different scenario for you are SD step mum - if you organise a party without SD it's actually more vindictive as she is part of your blended family. However you dont have to include SD in all activities you do with your daughter, though if they are family activities involving your dh then would he be happy to exclude his own daughter?

[DelphiniumBlue]

SD is making a point here, she's deliberately excluding your DD, probably because she felt excluded from whatever DD was doing that she found out about.
I'd try to create some distance between them, and lock down social media so that neither of them can see what the other is doing. And don't let your DD post anything that shows her doing fun stuff ( or anything at all) with SD's Dad.