Should I apologize again? Is it me?

(66 Posts)
babayjane67 Fri 16-Apr-21 09:37:22

I have/had? a friend,not a close one,that lives about an HR&a half away.She always used to msg me first,at least once a day,if not 3 or 4 sometimes!
We both have a daughter,hers is 11,mine is 12,that were home schooled in first lockdown.We both work in a school(not teachers or ta).
We had a disagreement about the home schooling.Her school were very strict on them doing set work,ringing them if it wasn't done to find out why.Our school was not.There was set work,of a kind,but it didn't matter if any of it was done or not.They were very supportive &took a hands off approach but always kept in touch via a Class Dojo system.So we could share things like any work,stories,recipes,photos of them baking,gardening etc.Theyd get points for whatever they did.
They're both primary schools.
My daughter found it very hard in the first lockdown,to do the work,we were both getting stressed about it&arguing.It got very stressful&also at the same time,was dealing with the loss of a close family member.She wasn't dealing with it very well&we ended up having to get help for her.I never told this friend that.
Anyway,she got on her high horse about my daughter not doing the work&that her daughter had to whether she wanted to or not! She told her there wasn't an option! She said&that I could have googled&downloaded resources of work for my daughter to do,even if school hadn't sent any.
I just said well I didn't know the particular sites she mentioned even existed&that we didn't have a printer at the time anyway&that school was more than happy for her to not be doing the work.We baked,etc instead.She wrote the recipe &method out,so was spelling& punctuating..She was weighing things out&changing grams to ounces so that's maths.So school was happy with that.
This disagreement happened exactly 10 weeks ago today&I haven't heard a word from her since!
I just assumed she'd msg me the next morning,as usual,but she didn't&hasn't at all since.
This has happened once before,few months ago,where we disagreed on something else.I expected her to msg,as usual,the next day but nothing.That lasted for 6 weeks til I thought this is ridiculous &msgd her asking why she wasn't speaking to me&saying look we're both adults,this is silly.She said well I could say the same about u! I said sorry,she didn't,but just carried on messaging me again like nothing happened!
Until 10 weeks ago.
Is it me? Should I bite the bullet&msg her apologising again or should I just leave it?
I have thought about doing it a couple of times but then I think no sod it why should it always be me!?
She is also friends with a close friend of mine,who we haven't seen for a long time,even before Covid &also hardly ever messages,but she comes down to stay with her or family that live here&so have days out with her&so is still in my circle of friends so will be difficult as time goes on&we are allowed to go bk to normal life again.
Sorry for the long post!

OP’s posts: |
Templetreebalm Fri 16-Apr-21 09:42:59

Why would you need to apologise?
She should stop dictating what your daughter * should* be doing .
Theres no should needed as you parent your way.
I would be quite glad that this might be a chance to cool things and distance yourself.

OrangeRug Fri 16-Apr-21 09:43:29

I wouldn't apologize. She seems petty and interfering.

NormanStangerson Fri 16-Apr-21 09:45:05

Maybe she was fed up with always being the one to message so thought she’d leave it to see how long it would be before you checked in with her.

Turns out it was six weeks.

Maybe she’s reconsidered the friendship.

NormanStangerson Fri 16-Apr-21 09:46:47

Oh I misread. The first fall out lasted six weeks. This one is ten weeks.

Why are you waiting for her to message you? Why does she always have to be the one to message? Maybe she’s waiting to see if you’ll message her for a change. confused

Mellonsprite Fri 16-Apr-21 09:48:29

Don’t apologise, it’s none of her business why your DD didn’t do the work, you don’t need to provide any explanations for that!
My DD’s friend in the same class did none in 1st lockdown and my DD struggled but did hers -I wouldn’t dream of pulling her mum up on it as it’s ‘none of my business’.

BunnyRuddington Fri 16-Apr-21 09:49:01

I also think it's odd that she always does the messaging and you've left it 10 weeks. It doesn't sound like much of a friendship from her point of view.

OppsUpsSide Fri 16-Apr-21 09:49:44

I don’t see why you need to apologise but I also don’t see why you want her to always text first? That is a bit odd.

Floobydo Fri 16-Apr-21 09:51:34

You don’t have to apologise but why on Earth haven’t you messaged her in 10 weeks? That’s mad when before you were speaking every day. You are just as capable of messaging as she is

fistasledge Fri 16-Apr-21 09:53:33

Agree. She could rightfully post on here about being fed up that's she's always the one to initiate contact with a friend.

You and a difference of opinion and she left it to see if friend would contact. It's been 10 weeks and she hasn't bothered.

I think I'd write off the argument. Everyone was so frazzled with home schooling that although she was wrong to dictate to you, I can imagine she was also pulling her hair out to get her DD to do anything and was frustrated that your school weren't asking the same

Just message her and ask if all's ok. You don't need to apologise

MiddleClassProblem Fri 16-Apr-21 09:53:39

I’m not sure why she would be the one that has to message first. It sounds like you always expect her to initiate the messaging.

Don’t apologise unless there is something you are sorry for. I hate receiving an empty apology.

If her DC is 12, were they held back in primary? Maybe that adds to her feeling the pressure.

Idontgiveagriffindamn Fri 16-Apr-21 09:54:06

Friends disagree and lockdown has put strain on many things - relationships, friendships. She shouldn’t have interfered with or tried to dictate what homeschooling your daughter was doing. Maybe they were struggling and didn’t have the school support that you did and wanted some empathy. Maybe she just wanted your homeschooling experience to be as hard as yours. We don’t know her so can’t tell.
What did stand out though is you expect her to text you. Have you text her - not to apologise bu to say Hi. Maybe she’s decided she wants to see how long it would take you to initiate the communication and it’s now got to 10 weeks. Her message the first time seemed to suggest this.
If you want to stay friends with her text her, don’t apologise but just initiate communication.
It annoys me when I’m the one that has to initiate communication all the time. So much so I’ve stopped with some people and I’ve not communicated with them for months and it’s made me realise that they’re not really friends and don’t value me.

merryhouse Fri 16-Apr-21 09:54:09

(a) unless you were rude about her or her daughter, you don't need to apologise. She told you you'd been doing things badly, you told her why you disagreed.

(b) I'm with pp wondering why she always messages first. Why don't you send her a quick text asking how the first week back has gone? Don't mention the argument: if she tries to, brush it off.

(c) except if you're actually annoyed because you think she should apologise: either tell her so or don't bother messaging.

OolieMacdoolie Fri 16-Apr-21 09:54:33

I don’t think you have anything to apologise for but I do think it’s a bit odd to always leave it to her to message first. It’s a bit rude to always make her do the running imo.

Oldraver Fri 16-Apr-21 09:57:08

Just move on from her, you dont need this kind of drama

Whatisthisfuckery Fri 16-Apr-21 09:59:15

What is it you feel you might need to say sorry for OP?

VettiyaIruken Fri 16-Apr-21 10:01:19

You have nothing to apologise for.
Let her sulk. Don't reward this sort of behaviour.

babayjane67 Fri 16-Apr-21 10:10:57

Just to clarify things a bit,She's just always msgd first,always on FB messenger&alot of the time its before I've even woken up&gone on there!
I have messaged her first sometimes but mostly it's her cuz she's so early.
About 3/4 ISH years ago,my daughter&I went down to hers to stay for a week in the holidays.The next year,they came to us for a week.So the following year,I asked about either us going down or them coming up,she said she was too busy,had already booked up the whole of the 6wks summer hols in Feb! So I thought ok no worries &tried again the following year,again in Feb.I got the same reply.We're busy the whole of the 6wks.So I didn't bother to ask again after that&she's never has either.
We all got on well both times&had a lovely time so there was no falling out. to say that was the cause.
It always seems to be me making the first move for people,I thought of as friends,one of them close,to contact me or spend time with me&I get fed up of it to be honest!

OP’s posts: |
babayjane67 Fri 16-Apr-21 10:12:41

Fuckery Just the disagreement itself.Im a people pleaser really & I'm trying not to be so much of a one.

OP’s posts: |
Northofsomewhere Fri 16-Apr-21 10:20:19

But this time, in this incidence, with this friend you hopefully understand that it's come across as she does the running around/first contact most of the time and it's you who has let the contact slip after this disagreement. She possibly thought the same as you - she's sulking after the disagreement so I'll wait for her to contact me as I normally contact first. Now it's been 10+ weeks and neither of you are any closer to talking.

I think it was clearly a silly disagreement over differences in parenting and homeschooling. It's not important to the relationship on the whole if it's the first time you've had a disagreement like this.

Also, if the first holiday together was 3/4 years ago, you only missed out on one prior to covid and she may have genuinely booked up the 6 weeks holidays with other activities and other people. I think you're putting more emphasis on this than is needed.

If you want to keep the friendship then reach out and make contact and start chatting again without any pressure. However, if I was her I'd be reconsidering how I felt about the friendship and if I felt it was more one sided than I'd realised.

Topseyt Fri 16-Apr-21 10:21:27

Do nothing. It doesn't sound like much of a friendship to be honest. More like hard work and it has run it's course.

Nobody has any right to dictate what anyone else's child should or shouldn't have been doing during homeschooling. That was some major overstepping of the boundaries. Bollocks to that.

MiddleClassProblem Fri 16-Apr-21 10:23:08

It always seems to be me making the first move for people,I thought of as friends,one of them close,to contact me or spend time with me&I get fed up of it to be honest!

This makes very little sense in this context when you say she mostly contacts you first and have been waiting for her to do so in both examples or the arguments.

I’m not saying she was right in the disagreement but I think you may not be wholly aware of your own behaviour, as there was certainly something that irked her during the visits. Ideally she’d tell you why but it sounds like she doesn’t want to upset you over something small so is just not doing it again.

babayjane67 Fri 16-Apr-21 10:29:25

North of no it was probably linger than I thought then as it's been good couple of years since we had the hol before Covid.
Middle-class nothing went wrong in either of those 2 hols.As I said we all got on very well together &had a lovely time both arguments, nothing not even the kids.

OP’s posts: |
starfishmummy Fri 16-Apr-21 10:32:17

I think I'd just draw a line under the friendship.

Carbara Fri 16-Apr-21 10:36:14

So some woman is angry (!) that your kid was doing different homework than her kid and has been sulking for months....and you want to apologise?🤣🤣🤣🤣 sounds like you both need to have therapy (not together) get a grip.

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